BPD exes blocking you (social media, messaging etc) Thoughts? Experiences?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

After a disagreement about five weeks ago, my dBPDbf (clearly now ex!) took it upon himself to ignore me for a few days before abruptly blocking me on his Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp. There has been no contact by either one of us since.

Just as with my previous thread regarding BPD exes not returning your belongings, I discovered this is also relatively common BPD behaviour.

To fill you in on the background: After the disagreement I left it for a couple of days for both parties to calm down, then sent a kind message expressing my wish to talk about the issues like adults which he firmly rejected (the only communication he had with me), he ignored me for a few more days (I left him to it) and then BAM! B.L.O.C.K.E.D! It wasn’t even as if I had been bombarding him with messages! I haven’t tried to call, text or email so I’m unsure as to whether he has blocked me on those mediums as well although it wouldn’t be a surprise.

I did not react to the blocking. I decided that the best response was no response. He clearly did not want to hear from me so I did not go chasing and force him to communicate with me.  I also felt that he was expecting a reaction and I was not going to indulge him in that but whether ignoring this was the right thing to do I don’t know.

I also noticed the blocking wasn’t consistent, for instance he is still “following” me on certain things which I found very peculiar, indeed I took it upon myself to weed him out! If I was raging mad at someone and wanted them gone I would do it in one ruthless fell swoop!

I have quite jumbled thoughts on the matter. In my case I found it incredibly aggressive and unnecessary! It smacked of hatred and contempt, I felt I was being “erased”. I also found it pretty astonishing since there was still all the relevant “break up admin” to sort (see previous post regarding not returning belongings). To not only cease communication but actively block it shocked me.

I am just interested to get your thoughts on this behaviour and share any experiences of it. I find this behaviour very difficult to understand.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi all,

After a disagreement about five weeks ago, my dBPDbf (clearly now ex!) took it upon himself to ignore me for a few days before abruptly blocking me on his Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp. There has been no contact by either one of us since.

Just as with my previous thread regarding BPD exes not returning your belongings, I discovered this is also relatively common BPD behaviour.

To fill you in on the background: After the disagreement I left it for a couple of days for both parties to calm down, then sent a kind message expressing my wish to talk about the issues like adults which he firmly rejected (the only communication he had with me), he ignored me for a few more days (I left him to it) and then BAM! B.L.O.C.K.E.D! It wasn’t even as if I had been bombarding him with messages! I haven’t tried to call, text or email so I’m unsure as to whether he has blocked me on those mediums as well although it wouldn’t be a surprise.

I did not react to the blocking. I decided that the best response was no response. He clearly did not want to hear from me so I did not go chasing and force him to communicate with me.  I also felt that he was expecting a reaction and I was not going to indulge him in that but whether ignoring this was the right thing to do I don’t know.

I also noticed the blocking wasn’t consistent, for instance he is still “following” me on certain things which I found very peculiar, indeed I took it upon myself to weed him out! If I was raging mad at someone and wanted them gone I would do it in one ruthless fell swoop!

I have quite jumbled thoughts on the matter. In my case I found it incredibly aggressive and unnecessary! It smacked of hatred and contempt, I felt I was being “erased”. I also found it pretty astonishing since there was still all the relevant “break up admin” to sort (see previous post regarding not returning belongings). To not only cease communication but actively block it shocked me.

I am just interested to get your thoughts on this behaviour and share any experiences of it. I find this behaviour very difficult to understand.

[Ventus2ct]

I blocked mine straight away, couldn't take the snooping any longer, she de-friended me quite some time before she dumped me, as well as re-friending her last ex (despite all the horrible things he so say did to her!) I suspect she expected a reaction from me but I didn't even mention it.

So after nearly 2 months I unblocked her as thought I was fine and not able to look at her profile, which I didn't, but did notice several days later that she did block me instead, this I found out via looking at a photo she had "liked" she was not named.

I guess she either doesn't wish for any reminders or is just pissed off with me blocking her, what else did she expect!

I can understand the victim blocking the other but t'other way round just seems to me like he is trying to punish you etc etc

[AG]

In my experience the same thing happened on numerous occasions. They do not want any parts of responsibility. They are not about that life. The life that they are about is metaphorically speaking running someone over with the car while drunk. In theyre case drunk with rage. Only they do not call the cops to state they have run someone over. Instead they drive off to avoid jail consequences of any kind. Then they repeat the process over and over again. Constantly running people over with the car and constantly driving off. My BPD ex is a coward in this aspect and in my opinion anyone that does this is a coward. I get the reasons or excuses people will say of the diagnosis that westernized medicine has given them. Oh too much pain for them, Oh fear of abandonment, Oh they had a rough childhood, but at the end of the day what is the definition of a coward. Coward is coward. Child Molesters have a back story and so do rapists and so do serial killers. They are still what they are. Cowards

[Mutt]

It's difficult, insulting painful to feel as if we're erased   You're split black for the moment. How would you reciprocate if someone told you we need to talk like adults? He's testing the waters if he's not blocking you on everything and creeping.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Ventus! 

I can understand the victim blocking the other but t'other way round just seems to me like he is trying to punish you etc etc

Sure felt like it! I was like "woah! uncalled for!"

Hi AG! 

In my experience the same thing happened on numerous occasions. They do not want any parts of responsibility.

Yes, I wondered if this might be a factor too... .

Hi Mutt! 

How would you reciprocate if someone told you we need to talk like adults?

I was just trying to summarise and give the jist of the conversation above, I didn't use the phrase "let's talk like adults". (even though I was thinking it!) What I actually said was much nicer and more reasonable - that I loved him and am here for him and would like to talk to him.

[Mutt]

I was just trying to summarise and give the jist of the conversation above, I didn't use the phrase "let's talk like adults". (even though I was thinking it!) What I actually said was much nicer and more reasonable - that I loved him and am here for him and would like to talk to him.

I feel the same way BlondeRunner. It's disheartening and frustating when they cannot reciprocate in an adult manner due to arrested development and being stuck at the emotional level of a small child. I think the same about my ex.

My BPD ex is a coward in this aspect and in my opinion anyone that does this is a coward. I get the reasons or excuses people will say of the diagnosis that westernized medicine has given them. Oh too much pain for them, Oh fear of abandonment, Oh they had a rough childhood, but at the end of the day what is the definition of a coward. Coward is coward. Child Molesters have a back story and so do rapists and so do serial killers. They are still what they are. Cowards

It's hurtful when our exes run over us with a metaphorical car as you say AG.  

Borderline Personality Disorder is an attachment, emotional based disorder. It's not sociopathy. Sociopathy is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. BPD is emotional dysregulation and reliving core abandonment wounds.

I'm sorry your ex caused you so much hurt.

[enlighten me]

I would like to add my thoughts on this.

Since realising my exgf probably has BPD ive been analysing her behaviour.

The fact that BPD seems to lock a person in the emotional state of a child explains a lot of what Ive seen and am seeing.

The facebook blocking appears to be nothing more than a scolded child storming off to their room and slamming the door. The child will sulk and say how unfair they've been treated. Not take the responsibility for their actions. But they are still curious as to what their parents are doing. Listening at the door, maybe even sneeking out to have a peek. Waiting for the parent to come back and apologise or appease them.

I may be over simplifying this but sometimes the simple answer could be right.

[trappedinlove]

You don't need to second guess him but it's quite possible he blocked you since you triggered him and he has great difficulties dealing with his internal turmoil you merely triggered.

Yes, it's typical BPD dynamics and don't take it personally.

I know how much it hurts and how much this seems to be targeted at you, invalidating and completely ignoring your pain.

I wasn't officially blocked on fb but put of the blue I was painted black and was effectively wiped out of her life to the point she stopped any contact with me, we've physically met with common friends and I was ignored as if I wasn't there in front of her. Believe me it feels even worse than being blocked on fb.

Moreover, when I asked her very kindly if she can please share with me why she became so distant she utterly invalidated my feelings by replying "frankly, I've no idea what you're talking about" 

I really wish her to find the strength to help herself and get proper therapy. She is not a bad person deep inside but she acts in hurtful ways driven by her disorder. It's tragic but it's all theirs. We'll deal with our wounds and scars.

[AG]

I would like to add my thoughts on this.

Since realising my exgf probably has BPD ive been analysing her behaviour.

The fact that BPD seems to lock a person in the emotional state of a child explains a lot of what Ive seen and am seeing.

The facebook blocking appears to be nothing more than a scolded child storming off to their room and slamming the door. The child will sulk and say how unfair they've been treated. Not take the responsibility for their actions. But they are still curious as to what their parents are doing. Listening at the door, maybe even sneeking out to have a peek. Waiting for the parent to come back and apologise or appease them.

I may be over simplifying this but sometimes the simple answer could be right.

That metaphor makes alot of sense and resonates with me alot. I still do not excuse the behavior but this does make sense. They are not children though as much ass we would like to go off of the diagnosis. As Mutt said they are not sociopaths. They do know the difference between right and wrong. Mine was low functioning towards the end and she did know the difference between right and wrong. Remember they have lived into adulthood and had many social interactions with quote on quote normal people. They have to react accordingly to get what they want knowing damn well what the general consensus is of what is right and wrong. Doesn't mean they do not have issues that are hard to deal with because that is something even a blind man could see. They are still responsible for they're actions.

[Mutt]

are still responsible for they're actions.

Good point AG.

Don't rescue and don't validate the invalid. They are responsible for their own actions.

[lipstick]

Hi BlondeRunner,

I will share my personal experience with the FB games. Take from it what you will.

My exBPDbf dumped me in October of 2012. Two days before my birthday. Moved out on me while I was at work. Ran back to his spouse (don't ask!) and proceeded to give me the Silent Treatment from that point forward. I was not blocked on FB at that time. I "unfriended" him immediately - but I also did not block him. I wanted to keep that connection. All of my messages thru FB were read with no response. I gave up after about six weeks. However, I continued to "keep tabs" on him via his FB page. Co-dependent, much?

Anyway - around June of 2013 - he began putting up posts that were specifically directed at me. He was also reacting to things on my own page. Keeping tabs on me, too. This continued up until around the beginning of December. Then he began "Following" me on FB. No communication of any kind. Just "Following". I ignored it. Well, then he sent a "Friend Request" about two weeks later. I ignored that as well. I wanted him to get a taste of the damn Silent Treatment!  Again, no communication at all. I guess he didn't like my ignoring him, so guess what?  You guessed it... . he blocked me!  He also quickly deactivated an alternate account that he used to blog about me (gag!).  And I guess I'm still blocked to this day. I don't know. I don't try to find out.

However... . we still have mutual acquaintances. One or two of them know what happened between us. These folks have reported to me that he has just recently begun "reacting" once again to my FB posts. So what does this tell me? That he is, indeed, still keeping tabs on me. Spying thru his deactivated account, I would imagine. He has had ZERO activity since he blocked me. Now - kaboom! - he's back. And it is not a coincidence. What is he planning or thinking? I have no idea. I just know it's not good for me, whatever it is.

Again - take from it what you will . I believe my ex is (currently) too ashamed to contact me. And that I am also being "punished" for rejecting his Friend Request.

[Lion Fire]

My experience has been different... .

I have blocked my ex on every level, right down to my email now.

I never gave her a chance to reject and hurt me any more. She's the one that has reached out to me.

She has no gap to get to me any more.

I have to say that although it has been extremely painful to follow through with this, it has definitely given me my strength back. Also, there is a wee wicked part of me that feels satisfied that she is feeling the pain of rejection now. I know this isn't right but it's the truth. I can picture her, hysterical and obsessive, trying to find an opening to get through and it does give me some consolation. She was using a cellular phone contract she opened for me as an excuse to reach out for a month. That has been transferred and settled. There is now excuse any more and there is no way of her directly reaching me. I am in another country too.

The main benefit is that she no longer controls me and I am owning my power.

Peace

[push pull]

Consider it a blessing that your BPDex blocked you. First of all you wont be subjected to any further torture when they move on and rub their new victim in your face; secondly, had you have been the one who blocked them, they may have reacted very irrationally and started a hate campaign against you.

I'm a long time out and I healed very well (thanks to remaining NC). I look back at those dark times and wonder what planet I was on then and how the hell I landed there. The truth is, my BPDex was a clone of my first love who had narcissistic personality disorder. I'd never truly gotten over the pain after she dumped me for her boss, so losing my BPDex felt like I lost my NPDex all over again. This is what made me so susceptible to her come here / go away behaviours.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi Enlighten 

The facebook blocking appears to be nothing more than a scolded child storming off to their room and slamming the door... . But they are still curious as to what their parents are doing. Listening at the door, maybe even sneeking out to have a peek. Waiting for the parent to come back and apologise or appease them.

I may be over simplifying this but sometimes the simple answer could be right.

This made me giggle because when it happened this is EXACTLY what it felt like! An almighty tantrum with the expectation that I would go running to him with a "I'm so sorry! Please don't do this!" Funnily enough, since I started this post yesterday he has, for the first time in five weeks, very strategically "sneaked out" as you said above (in a wonderful BPD roundabout way) but I'll talk about that in another post, can't be bothered at the moment!

Hi Trapped in Love 

... . we've physically met with common friends and I was ignored as if I wasn't there in front of her. Believe me it feels even worse than being blocked on fb.

How awful for you, I'm so sorry  . I must admit I thank my lucky stars that we have absolutely no common friends. He's very much a tumbleweed blowing in the wind with very few connections... .

Hi Lipstick! 

I believe my ex is (currently) too ashamed to contact me. And that I am also being "punished" for rejecting his Friend Request.

Yes, I considered this as well. My friend has a theory that he threw his "blocking" tantrum to punish and upset me, expected a reaction/ an argument to follow and... . it didn't, I really didn't do a darn thing and now he's like "what the heck do I do?". I didn't even pester him to collect my stuff (I have quite a bit at his place) or anything like that (hence the little nudge he took it upon himself to send yesterday... . )

Hi Push Pull 

Consider it a blessing that your BPDex blocked you... .

... . I'm a long time out and I healed very well (thanks to remaining NC).

Funnily enough I do consider it a blessing, especially when I hear of some of the stories on here - I think I've escaped very lightly indeed! My sister recently commented on how well I'd been holding up and I said well he's made it so much easier by completely removing himself from the equation!


I just find it ridiculous behaviour! Almost laughable. When this all unraveled my family (who I hadn't really told about his diagnosed BPD) said "has he got a screw loose?"

[coldboy]

i do not use social media and we have not friends in common .I have never blocked her e-mail , tel or any other application .After the breakup for some reason we had frequent contact , then low contact .Then last time that we talk we had a big argue throught text messages and we went no contact for 3 months .

Out of sudden she reappeared to the only social media ( a general forum ) that we both used for 2 years and we were exchanging secret messages between us ( after the breakup she said that will never post again there , that we are all stupid etc etc ) and i still post .She started to post again and to any relevant topic as our story she was throwing "nails" to me .

So i broke nc through e-mail just to say to her that i am glad that she is posting again but for respect of the 2 years that we spend together to stop the pubblic insults .Guess what we exchanged 60 mails in 5 days , most of them just to hurt me and remind me that i am a self center person , out of reality .There was no apology , no remorse , only anger anger anger !So i stopped posting to this forum and i went no contact again .The funniest thing is that when i reminded her that last time i told her that i go no contact , she repplied that "yes you told exactly this but you broke nc because you were thinking that i was provocing you".So she knew what she was doing!

My therapist said that she wants me around to feed her ego .A twisted game that she has in her mind that i am still around for her but under her rules ( i never took answers to my questions , she was answering whatever she wanted just to hurt me ).The strange thing that still avoiding to speak with me to give the proper closure even after 9 months ( she used to say that she gets panic to the idea to meet me , that she will collapse , that she is mentally exhausted ).She told me that will come back some way in the future .

So i go again no contact but with no blocking.

sorry for my english guys .Eu resident

[Toys*R*Us]

They delete you from their existence & keep tangible objects that belonged to you.  I'm not even sure they invest in memories like we do.  Maybe just skewed facts they never call to mind because they simply don't care.

You were gone in the blink of an eye. Actions speak louder than words. Sure, pity them if you must then move along.

It hurts deep, but the sooner you realize your role was nothing but supply they can find anywhere, the sooner you can heal.  Second, accept there will be no answers or explanations.  Third, you may feel you're owed closure but you'll never get it from them. Don't waste your valuable life chasing circles in your head.

Breathe, forget, move on, keep living for you.  Being devalued & discarded by a PwPD does not designate your real intent and value. What you invested was real parts of your soul. Unfortunately the recipient was just full of momentary words.

[trappedinlove]

I'm not even sure they invest in memories like we do.  Maybe just skewed facts they never call to mind because they simply don't care.

You were gone in the blink of an eye. Actions speak louder than words. Sure, pity them if you must then move along.

Hmm, I'd be careful not to generalize but actually BPD emotional intensity and dysregulation is the root cause for them not being able to deal with the memories.  In certain cases, as far as I could tell from my own experience, especially when related to past abuse and (C)PTSD, this may cause dissociation and wiping out of anything related to the hurting past or present.

You can't understand a pwBPD using normal, non-disordered standards. It's just ain't true.

It might help you with the grieving process as it's easier to interpret the actions (that indeed speak louder than words) and to get angry and move along.  But it doesn't work this way for everybody.  For me at least, without looking at the disorder behind the actions and understanding it, the facts just didn't make sense and my mind couldn't get a hold of them, spinning endlessly trying to figure out "why" and "how come".  Understanding the BPD dynamics helps me get closure and self-assurance when realizing how much of what I dealt with has to do with me and how much of it her to do with her and her only.  My role in triggering her and her role triggering my and I my bag of issues.

TIL

[SybilVane]

Your situation reminds mine... .

Me and my (probably ex) BPD BF live in different countries (different continents!). The last time one of us travelled to seeeach other was from end-april, he came and stayed for 40 days. I was planned to travel in August and stay for three months, but since the circle of discussion and accusations started again, I told him it could be better if I could go for only one month a priori, see what happens etc. He told me this was because 'I had changed my mind' and wasnt engaged anough anymore. So, finally he gav mee an ultimatum: I should buy the tickets in 2 days or never more.

I declined the ultimatum and he simply said: 'wish you the best' and blocked me everywhere.

On the following day I sent him an email explaining that I havent changed my mind, but I could not accept an ultimatum. He blocked my email, since I know he never opened this message.

So some days after I created another account and sent him other email, basically the same. I havent changed my mind, I still want to go etc. He read this one, but no answer.

He has given me 'silent treatment' since then, its almost 2 weeks.

And I feel f***cking hurted, I feel violated, I feel raped, you know? The silence is the WORST he could do. It's psychological torture.

Its not the first time he does this, but he never did for so long.

So, I started to realize that this time, is the end.

And since this is probably the end and I still loving him and I still want to do my best, today I recorded a video telling everything. And I say in the video this is our last chance, since my vacation is scheduled and I can't change it. What I lose with this last attempt?- thats what I think.

I'm sure that even if he's inclined to try, he will take a longgggggggg time to answer, and maybe only will do it on the deadline of my vacation. Or maybe he will disappear forever. Anyway, I'll know until the end of the month what will be the end of this story. Until then, I'll be on stand by mode, and I will try to put in my mind that maybe the better is to let him go.

I dont have much hope, but as I said, its a last attempt, I simply can't give up, I invested a lot on this relationship. I know probably he turned the page, but until I be sure (since he can be simply punishing me because of the ultimatum), I will be here for him.

Whats matters is that in one month I'll be sure about what he decided to do. If the worst happens, at least I'll know its time to carry on.

Give us an update regarding your situation.

best regards

[BlondeRunner]

Hi SybilVane 

I am so sorry - what an awful situation for you. I don't like ultimatums at all and I think you did the right thing by refusing to give in. Nobody should ever try to blackmail someone like that.

Silent treatment hurts beyond belief. It drove me crazy at first and then when I realised I was actually blocked I felt physically sick! However I did get used to the silence and just went a long with my life as usual and, after reading some horror stories on here, I became quite grateful for the silence and the ability to move on unhindered.

Give me an update on your situation. What has happened?

Here is my update... .

Since I posted the below in June I didn't hear a thing from my ex. Then, out of the blue, he started doing something which sends a notification to my phone. We had been NC for about 8 weeks and I felt it was an attempt to provoke a response. I just ignored it. I posted about that here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229278.msg12464091#msg12464091

A few days ago I decided to email him since he owes me a large sum of money. Firstly, I assumed my email would be blocked (considering I am blocked on most other things!) and secondly, if it wasn’t blocked then I expected him to ignore my message and carry on with his silence. I couldn’t believe it when he replied within two minutes. Not only did he reply but he was almost “friendly”!  have to admit it sideswiped me as I was NOT expecting that! I also posted about that here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229622.msg12465327#msg12465327

[enlighten me]

I'm not even sure they invest in memories like we do.  Maybe just skewed facts they never call to mind because they simply don't care.

You were gone in the blink of an eye. Actions speak louder than words. Sure, pity them if you must then move along.

Hmm, I'd be careful not to generalize but actually BPD emotional intensity and dysregulation is the root cause for them not being able to deal with the memories.  In certain cases, as far as I could tell from my own experience, especially when related to past abuse and (C)PTSD, this may cause dissociation and wiping out of anything related to the hurting past or present.

You can't understand a pwBPD using normal, non-disordered standards. It's just ain't true.

It might help you with the grieving process as it's easier to interpret the actions (that indeed speak louder than words) and to get angry and move along.  But it doesn't work this way for everybody.  For me at least, without looking at the disorder behind the actions and understanding it, the facts just didn't make sense and my mind couldn't get a hold of them, spinning endlessly trying to figure out "why" and "how come".  Understanding the BPD dynamics helps me get closure and self-assurance when realizing how much of what I dealt with has to do with me and how much of it her to do with her and her only.  My role in triggering her and her role triggering my and I my bag of issues.

TIL

I think a lot of the time the memories are painful for the BPD. My exgf is living in my house and is wanting to move out when she can find somewhere that will take her and her menagerie and kids. She said the house has too many memories. I think what she means is that it is a constant reminder of me and what she did to me. Everything that I bought her became something she hated. The car she chose, the house she also chose even down to kitchen utensils that I bought. I think this is the underlying reason behind this type of behaviour. The fact that they feel ashamed at how they behaved and how these things are a constant reminder of it. It shows that they have feelings for us but just cant handle how they treated us. It also reminds them that they are not the person they truly want to be. They want the happy ever after ending but cant control themselves to get it.

[goingtostopthis]

The same thing happened to me.   Just blocked me, we were having an argument and instead of working it out he just said: it's over,    and then I was blocked.  Two days before this we were getting along just fine. They are a lot like children, if they cant have their way in the sand box then your blocked!  It "is" one of the most horrible things they do.  Just horrible.  Its abuse, there are no other ways to describe this.  

                  Ive tried to contact mine to no avail. Its been 24 days now.   Im thinking its coming around time for me now to start giving up on him.  Maybe create a whole new identity for myself or something since so much of my life has been surrounded around him.    

 Now, Im stuck with this blank spot in my head and in my heart to fill in : "Now What?" Ive seen videos of BPDs who claim they feeeeeeel  love soo deeply, more so then the average person.  Say What?    That's what I say.    Im the one who got caught up in feeling it too deeply.    I fell in love with an empty box.  I dont think he has any concept at all at the kind of pain he is creating in me right now. All he sees and feels his his selfish self.

                Getting through times like this is the hard part. I slipped and slipped many times over and kept trying to contact him.  Probably pushed him away even further maybe even for good. On many levels this wouldnt be a half bad thing.  I hope he's miserable,  but the absurd thing about it he most likely is because he all ways "is"  anyways,  miserable  (snort)  

                      I have to be sure from now on to not contact him again.  The last time he did this I went a week in quiet and I thought I was going to die but I did it.   For someone who all ways has a lot to say to him, I said nothing.    And on the 7th day low and behold, there he was on my message board acting like nothing had happened at all.     He had a patty man, bakers man relasp Id say.  

I think the key to this is to not take them seriously.  and to NOT play into their drama.  And I can say that because Im the Queen of playing into his drama and Ive gotten emotionally smashed around enough this time including to finally figure it out.   I have to buck up enough to know he may never contact me again.  I will learn for sure to never get into a relationship like this again.