Update - hearing next week

[Waddams]

Having a hearing on uPDxw's Motion for Attorney's Fees Wednesday.  My L had originally gotten a motion for temp custody added to the agenda, but it was just taken off.  The paperwork stated a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo that I think basically came down to the other L was on a leave of absence and didn't get notice, discovery responses were just delivered and discovery isn't complete yet, and L forwarded me an email from teh judge's assistant saying the court had messed up some procedure in scheduling the custody stuff but they acknowledge that there's some urgency regarding custody/school for S9, so they'll discuss hearing the custody thing ASAP at the Hearing Wednesday.  School starts Aug. 5th.

In the mean time we've got uPDxw's Financial Affidavit back now.  It's incomplete, unsubstantiated and ridiculous.  But it still shows she has an ability to pay her own legal expenses because she did list $40k plus in assets, mostly in house equity.  She can pay on her own legal expenses by leveraging her assets.  Not to mention she's purposely underemployed (which she admitted in deposition), has a 4 year degree, prior work experience making a lot more money, etc.  I've still got old W-2's of hers from when we were married.

I took her FA to my tax guy too.  He quickly determined the information she said was tax documents could not have been accepted by the IRS as the proper SSN/EIN spots weren't filled out.  It was all also incomplete.  He said the IRS would have a field day if she couldn't provide more documentation to substantiate her income - either invoicing or 1099's.  She admitted in deposition she had no invoices, 1099's, etc.  Her and the people she work with don't keep acceptable accounting.  He also figured out from what she did send in she's at least not accounting for expenses due to liability/workers comp insurance, business licensing, etc.  So it looks like she's running her tree service unlicensed and uninsured (she only sent her 1040 Sch C and a P&L sheet that didn't add u right, not a complete 1040).

So I'm faced with a decision.  I sense a chance to really improve the future for me, my SO and our blended family by doing some dirty things that would make it very hard for SO to cause further legal/custody issues that would have a material impact on me and mine, both now and in the future. She also chickens against county ordinances at her house.  $1000 fine.  Per chicken I think.  So if I were to:

-Turn her in for the chickens

-Tax guy recommended we turn her in to the IRS, wouldn't get much in finders fees but in addition to the tax issues, she's just plain running a dangerous operation.

-Turn her in for not being licensed and insured properly.  You can search my areas licensing databases, and she's not in it and her company name isn't in it.

The idea is that if (and using the honest word for what it really is here) do these things and just plain trigger a lot of damage in her life, she'll potentially be in a spot of not being able to fight my custody case right now, and it could potentially take her so long to recover that by the time she could realistically be able to start another custody issue, S9 will be old enough it wouldn't matter.  Not only would it help me win now, it would also help me win the future. 

These issues with her not only effect me, but SO and our blended family as well.  My logical brain has been thinking I might have a very real chance to drastically reduce or eliminate those issues for a long time, if not forever.  A few close friends are encouraging me to "go for the jugular" so to speak.

I've just prided myself on "being the bigger/better person" through all this (over 7 years now).  Yeah I have the moral high ground but I'm still hobbled lifestyle wise and partly because I haven't fired all the ammo I could have in the past.  If I had, maybe I'd not be in present circumstances.  It is affecting others besides just me. So I'm wondering... . should I stop trying to be the better person in my own mind and start being meaner and dirtier in this fight.  She never quits.  She never backs down.  She never gives an inch.  She never quits trying to badger and cajole.  I'm tired of it.  Some people never back down, not matter how wrong they are.  They are just too entitled and narcissistic.  They always come back for more fighting, unless you just plain destroy them so they can't anymore. 

Should I turn her in for these things and make an effort to just plain hurt her beyond the effects of this custody case?  That's what it really comes down.  Do I change to fighting dirtier, which I've avoided so far or not?  A friend pointed out she would in a heartbeat if she had the chance.

[Forestaken]

If you hurt her financially before the dust (divorce) settles, it could come back to haunt you.

The more money she has now, the less you may have to pay.  Report her later (I didn't say don't report her ever   )

Has she completed a job skills assessment?

[Waddams]

If you hurt her financially before the dust (divorce) settles, it could come back to haunt you.

We've been divorced for 5 years already.  This is a custody modification case.  It's our 3rd major case overall.

Has she completed a job skills assessment?

No.  She has plenty of job skills and training.  She's just a liar and is lying about her finances.

[PlumPug]

I am the current wife of DH who has an uBPDxw.  We are in the middle of a seemingly unending court battle with his ex.  They have 2 kids DSD 15 and DSS 13.  His past strategy was to find a settlement.  This has been unsatisfactory to say the least.  They have been divorced for 4 years but spousal support and child custody issues will be never ending as it gives her a stage and attention.  I am a divorced mother of 3.  My divorce was uneventful and for 6 years my ex and I have co-parented peacefully.  I am BIG on taking the high road and settling, I perhaps in the past have given in too easy to avoid drama.  Since I have been involved in my DH situation (2 years) I have mad a complete 180 in my feelings about how to deal with pwBPD.  I am not an attorney, but we have spoken to one recently who himself was a victim of BPD divorce and has since become an advocate for those divorcing form these people.  His advice is to crush them.  They do not stop until they are stopped.  I am truly sorry that you and your family have to deal with this.   

[ForeverDad]

They do not stop until they are stopped.

Yes, another boundary angle.  Set a boundary for honesty to the court.  Yes, the court likely won't care either way unless you make it an issue and provide documentation otherwise.  Reminds me of that famous Pilate quote, "What is truth?"   Tip:  Change your perspective, switch it around and look at it this way, if you don't report to the proper authorities then effectively you're hiding what you know from them.  Generally hiding things about the ex sabotages us.

The chickens, I don't know if that's worth reporting, it might seem a bit petty.  But the insurance and registrations, that's got substance since besides you, employees, contractors and clients can also be impacted.

[Waddams]

The chickens, I don't know if that's worth reporting, it might seem a bit petty.  But the insurance and registrations, that's got substance since besides you, employees, contractors and clients can also be impacted.

Well - regarding the chickens, they sh!t all over the yard and make a mess.  Then my S9 is out playing in it.  S9 tells me the neighbors complain about the smell and the chickens wandering around their yards too.  Depending on how alarmist one can be, the ordinance exists because without proper grazing/roaming space, a flock of chickens creates a big, dirty, smelly area that can get to be a health concern.

[PinkieV]

My DH's uBPDew had so many issues going on in her life that she basically couldn't afford her lawyer and was so stressed she couldn't focus on just the custody case.  She had just been released from jail, her house was being foreclosed, and she was fired from the job she had while in work release.  I truly believe the case would have gone on for much longer had she not had so much on her plate, and I'm really, really thankful we pushed her hard and made her settle.  She signed the settlement 36 hours before court after her lawyer threatened to withdraw from her case if she didn't.  Team player!

The only thing that would have worried me is if SS14 had visitation at the time.  We live two states away, so it wasn't an issue.  But I would have worried about what she could have done if she had him, as she had threatened suicide numerous times.  So that's something to think about.

[Nope]

Use everything you have. It doesn't matter if it's petty. Your best bet at getting some peace for a little while is for her life to become totally unmanageable so that the situation with you and the kids must be put on the backburner. You didn't spin the web of lies and deceit, you are just helping it come unraveled.

[Matt]

I think the right focus is not to "hurt" her or do anything "dirty", but to proceed according to the law, and to give her and/or her attorney every opportunity to take a wise path.

For example:

Get all the information together - make sure you understand it - make sure you know the ID of the chicken ordinance, the relevant IRS regulations, etc.  Make sure you know the range of penalties for each item according to the law.

Then have a very well-choreographed conversation with her.  Include the right professionals - maybe it's the two parties and the two attorneys, for example.

(I did this with my ex and our court-appointed parenting coach, a Ph.D. psychologist, so he could facilitate the conversation, and that worked well.)

Take the lead (or have your attorney do it).  Open something like this:

"We are set to resolve a number of issues in the coming weeks - financial issues, custody modification, etc.  In preparing for these, I gathered a bunch of information which is relevant.  Some of it you may prefer not to become public information.  I thought it would be best to talk openly about this today, and see if we can come to an agreement that will work out well for everyone, so we can minimize the legal costs and not have to go down a path that could cause problems for you.

"Specifically, there are three things that I think could cause you problems if they are disclosed.  First, my accountant says you are not in compliance with IRS code XYZ for 2013, and the penalties and fees for that could be between $10,000 and $30,000, plus thousands in legal fees.  Second, Mr. Attorney found that you are not in compliance with county ordinance XYZ which deals with licensing, and that could mean penalties from $5,000 to $20,000, plus thousands more in legal fees.  Third, I think you may be violating city ordinance XYZ, which relates to keeping livestock, and that could mean a fine of $1,000 per chicken.

"I realize this all could cause a lot of problems for you, and it will be worse if it all happens right now.  I have no desire to cause any of these problems or cost you all this money.  So I have prepared a proposal to settle both the financial issues and the custody issues, right now, here, today.  If you would like some time to read it, I have copies for everybody.  Let's see if we can settle all these issues and avoid all these costs for both of us."

[Hands out copies... . ]

For me, it worked very well;  after months of getting nowhere on a custody issue post-divorce, it got resolved in 24 hours, pretty much the way I had proposed several months earlier.  I think the key was that there were only two options - settle now or face serious problems (several crimes which I could prove she had committed).  And I think having a skilled professional present was essential too;  if it was just the two of us she would have argued.

This is a middle path between "scorched earth" and being a doormat.  But I think you have to be prepared to go with your information if she won't play ball.  But not with the intention of hurting her;  if you wanted to hurt her you wouldn't have tried for the settlement first.  Only with the intention of providing all the relevant, accurate information to the court, so the best decisions can be made.