Encouragement to stay the course

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was having a bad week, but yesterday I saw my T and he helped me get back on track a bit.  I wrote this for encouragement for all of us who have to deal with our BPD exes and cannot have NC.


It's like this.  You finally decide you've had enough. You decide you need to walk away.  She's sitting in the graveyard, and she's placed on you the responsibility of making the graveyard a garden of Eden for years and punished you for failing to do so for a long, long time.  Finally, you decide to leave the graveyard. 

But it won't be that easy.  First of all, you realize that leaving the graveyard means leaving her, because there is no way she is going to leave.  Despite how miserable it makes her and everybody else, she likes it there.  As long as she lives there, she always gets to have someone to blame for why the place she lives smells like death and rotten bones.  So, you have to contend with the loss of truly leaving her behind.

But there's more to it.  Secondly, she is constantly calling you back to her.  She doesn't really want you.  But she does want to know that you'll never leave the graveyard, not for good.  She wants to know that she can keep your heart on a string and pull it whenever she wants.  So, she acts out, she calls you back, she involves other people, she tries to take control of things and put herself at the center of the universe, and she even throws rocks at you... . literally anything to tug on you and get you to turn around.  She wants you to turn around, to be one of the many who are constantly running on the treadmill of trying to handle her and deal with her.

And sometimes you fall.  But if you have no goal ahead of you, you definitely will.  You need to know that you are leaving the graveyard toward something else.  Otherwise, the slightest pebble thrown in your direction will call you back, and soon you'll be running back saying, "You threw this pebble at me!  Why can't you see how you are?  I hate you!"  And she'll react.  There will be words, but her mission has been accomplished.  She put out a feeler.  She took your pulse, and she confidently determined that your heart was still tied to her string.  Well played.

If you really want to "get" her, which is really understandable, you do so by moving on.  When she sees your heart is moved on, she will feel it.  She'll still try to pull on you.  You'll do something to take advantage of you, perhaps.  So what.  If your heart is set on something better, something beyond her, then who gives a #$.  Let her have it.  She can play with her toys in the graveyard while you walk out and find a banquet feast in a sunny field.

She is wonderful at making the graveyard *look* like Disneyland.  She is wonderful at making it look like that is where all the fun is.  But you know that is where vanity and falsehood and manipulation and hell exist.  You know it is shallow and temporary.  It won't last.  What will last is heading forward toward your life apart from her.  Her graveyard will fall into a pit and be exposed for what it is in due time.  It will happen.  In the meantime, keep pressing forward and don't lose sight of your goal.  She offers you nothing you want -it is a lie.  Everything you want is ahead of you and apart from her.

[OutOfEgypt]

I was having a bad week, but yesterday I saw my T and he helped me get back on track a bit.  I wrote this for encouragement for all of us who have to deal with our BPD exes and cannot have NC.


It's like this.  You finally decide you've had enough. You decide you need to walk away.  She's sitting in the graveyard, and she's placed on you the responsibility of making the graveyard a garden of Eden for years and punished you for failing to do so for a long, long time.  Finally, you decide to leave the graveyard. 

But it won't be that easy.  First of all, you realize that leaving the graveyard means leaving her, because there is no way she is going to leave.  Despite how miserable it makes her and everybody else, she likes it there.  As long as she lives there, she always gets to have someone to blame for why the place she lives smells like death and rotten bones.  So, you have to contend with the loss of truly leaving her behind.

But there's more to it.  Secondly, she is constantly calling you back to her.  She doesn't really want you.  But she does want to know that you'll never leave the graveyard, not for good.  She wants to know that she can keep your heart on a string and pull it whenever she wants.  So, she acts out, she calls you back, she involves other people, she tries to take control of things and put herself at the center of the universe, and she even throws rocks at you... . literally anything to tug on you and get you to turn around.  She wants you to turn around, to be one of the many who are constantly running on the treadmill of trying to handle her and deal with her.

And sometimes you fall.  But if you have no goal ahead of you, you definitely will.  You need to know that you are leaving the graveyard toward something else.  Otherwise, the slightest pebble thrown in your direction will call you back, and soon you'll be running back saying, "You threw this pebble at me!  Why can't you see how you are?  I hate you!"  And she'll react.  There will be words, but her mission has been accomplished.  She put out a feeler.  She took your pulse, and she confidently determined that your heart was still tied to her string.  Well played.

If you really want to "get" her, which is really understandable, you do so by moving on.  When she sees your heart is moved on, she will feel it.  She'll still try to pull on you.  You'll do something to take advantage of you, perhaps.  So what.  If your heart is set on something better, something beyond her, then who gives a #$.  Let her have it.  She can play with her toys in the graveyard while you walk out and find a banquet feast in a sunny field.

She is wonderful at making the graveyard *look* like Disneyland.  She is wonderful at making it look like that is where all the fun is.  But you know that is where vanity and falsehood and manipulation and hell exist.  You know it is shallow and temporary.  It won't last.  What will last is heading forward toward your life apart from her.  Her graveyard will fall into a pit and be exposed for what it is in due time.  It will happen.  In the meantime, keep pressing forward and don't lose sight of your goal.  She offers you nothing you want -it is a lie.  Everything you want is ahead of you and apart from her.

[x1985x]

Yeah. That makes total sense. Thank you for sharing.

[JackBlacknBlue]

That is just what I needed to read today OOE.  Thank you for taking the time to write it for the rest of our benefit.

[OutOfEgypt]

You got it, my friend.

Here's something else I wrote in my journal today.  I hope it encourages you... .



I know how it goes.  You feel like she doesn't deserve to be liked by people, believed in by people, looked up to by people, or the center of attention for anything.  She doesn't deserve to be liked more, trusted more.  She doesn't deserve to have the people you love also love her.  And you are right.  She doesn't.  You know that behind all of her behavior is a sick craving to gain attention and control.  But you know what?  You aren't going to stop her from inserting herself into situations and taking charge or getting involved or garnering attention.  So you need to reach a point where you decide it isn't worth caring about anymore, because caring about it is only hurting your life -it certainly isn't stopping hers.  Her glory and power and control is only temporary, fleeting, and foolish.  Just be yourself.  You don't need to be #1 all the time.  They do.  What a futile and exhausting game that is to live by.  Choose peace.  Let her go.  You don't need to live by her games.  You can live by peace.  Let her gain all the power and control and notoriety and fame and money and adoration she wants.  She's still going to be a black hole of a person.

Lots of crappy people climb to power and success and adoration every day, so why is she different?  She's different because it is personal, because it involves her hurting and destroying you, and because it involves people you know.  But you've gotta let it go.  This is about survival.  You want to really wound her in the heart?  Let it be that she is out doing her thing and having everything revolve around her, but then she comes and finds you and you are perfectly content sipping on a beer with a friend, completely unphased by how many minions she has following her false charisma.  Unphased how and why?  Because you chose to let it go.  You chose to accept that it doesn't really matter, that being free and having peace, no matter the "size" of your life, is worth infinite weight in gold.

I remember one time I was living in an apartment during our divorce (because she filed a restraining order on me with false allegations in order to maintain control of the divorce).  I had to get something for our girls, something they needed for the next day for school.  I called my soon-to-be ex.  She didn't answer.  I figured, as usual, she might be sleeping.  :)efinitely not out of character for her to sleep all day.  So I went over there.  I rang the doorbell.  No answer.  So, I let myself in and ran up to take what I needed.  I heard loud music coming from the master bedroom, however.  And then I realized that she had company.  I tried to get what I needed and leave quickly.  It killed me because I knew she was screwing someone in our bedroom at that very moment.  But in that moment, something happened.  All the stress reached a head and I broke.  I decided I didn't care any more.  Nope.  :)on't care.  I let go.  And then she came out of the room, dressed only with a white neglige top.  I identified myself and explained what happened, and she had this smile on her face... . like she was a little girl caught being bad by daddy but also like she enjoyed it... . enjoyed being caught, enjoyed that I walked in on it.  She said she was sorry, but her smile said it all.

But in that moment, I was free.  It hurt, but I felt an immense burden lift as I broke and decided I didn't want to care any more about who she was sleeping with.  

And today, I'm having a moment like that about how she tries to insert herself into every situation and be the #1 person in it, like recently with the advent of our first grandchild.  My daughter sees her mom's behavior as "caring and wanting to be involved," but I know better.  I know its for attention, to be #1.  After years of neglect of her children in our own home, as she runs out to the public to appear as Miss Helpful, I know what she really is.  So, naturally it really bothered me to hear my daughter say that (even though she knows better when it comes to other things).  And I was angry.  I wanted to set her straight and tell her what an awful person her mom is.  And then I realized... . No, I don't want to care any more.  I don't want to care about how much adoration she gathers for herself.  I don't want to care about how many people get it wrong about her.  Nope.  I want to be the one who has let go and can really enjoy peace in a life that is my own, no matter what the "size" and no matter how much attention I get.  Playing her games is foolish and fleeting.  She needs to be #1 all the time?  Good for her.  I don't.  This is about letting her go.  Let them all get it wrong, and I will forgive them, too, but let me be free.

In a sense, let go so that I can almost be happy for her.  Let her enjoy herself in these shallow and vain ways.  She wants to pose herself as some kind of altruistic, wise, helpful, larger-than-life movie star, then let her.  That's about the best she'll ever get, and heck... . someone else might get something good out of it for a time.

[OutOfEgypt]

I always really enjoyed this poem, too:


Letting Go (poem)



To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring,

it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,

it’s the realization that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,

I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for,

but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,

but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,

but to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,

but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,

but to take each day as it comes.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

From “The Grace Awakening” by Chuck Swindoll

[JackBlacknBlue]

I should hire OOE as ghost writer for my own journal.  I feel same way on so many things.  

It's so hard to let go - let go on so many counts that are really about our own needs, ego, and wishes.  I go in phases - wanting to set the story straight with all these people who think she is an amazing, gracious caring person while I see the dragon lady that she's reserved to show me;  wanting for her to be remorseful and apologize; wanting her to 'just be normal'; etc.  

I had two days last week where I felt like I had 'let it go' for those two days.  Where I didn't care anymore and so there was no more anger or hurt; just peace and ability to reflect without anger, without resentment, and without longing.  And then I was triggered back into the smallness of the universe that revolves around her and I lost the expansiveness and strength I felt when I was at peace.   While I have never had this done, I am told people can be tested for food allergies by holding up their arm and if it becomes weaker against resistance while the person is presence of that food, it is sign of allergy.  I feel that way about upBPD.  I feel weak, dependent and angry when I let her into my universe.  I use that as a litmus test on my own healing process.  When I think of, here from, or see her - if I still maintain my feeling of strength and expansiveness, I know I am in a good place.   Not there yet consistently, but working on it.  

thanks again OOE for posting.  it is things like what you're posting that really help me.

[x1985x]

She's still going to be a black hole of a person.[/quote]
This is what matters most at the end of the day. Our time is up. Let them hurt the next ones now.

[Alex86]

If you really want to "get" her, which is really understandable, you do so by moving on.  When she sees your heart is moved on, she will feel it.  She'll still try to pull on you.  You'll do something to take advantage of you, perhaps.  So what.  If your heart is set on something better, something beyond her, then who gives a #$.  Let her have it.  She can play with her toys in the graveyard while you walk out and find a banquet feast in a sunny field.

Preach it bro... I'm looking forward to that!

Scott Stapp - Proof of Life - Break out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbAMWHhUcS8