It Aint Fair

[Blimblam]

the last 2 months for me have been a total meltdown.

On the other hand All the dreams I dreamed up and introduced to my ex she seems to be living and sharing with other people.  I know I shouldn't care, but its just not fair!  She stole my dreams.  A couple months back she wanted to hang out again I felt a recycle coming on.  At the same time she would sing songs about just letting her go. It was sadistic and twisted.  The inconsistancies were huge in her behavior.  It triggered when my mind had snapped.  The Push pull was very intense but it was all in inuendos and subtle behaviors and being gaslit the entire time.  Gas lighting me and seeing how far she could push it was something she loved to do she became a master of it. 

My gut told me this would kill me.  Like whatever I had left inside that was still there cried out NOO. don't take the bait. come with me if you want to live.  My inner conflict over pushing her away was huge but I just could not trust her. 

Anyway, I had a nervous breakdown which I am still in the throes of.  WHile her on the other hand seems to be living life to the fullest.  She got the job I wanted went the the music shows I wanted to see and a bunch of other ideas I had come up with just shes not doing them with me.  She seems happy go lucky and life is grand.  SHe has a steady supply of narcissistic supply etc.  She is a very pretty girl with a killer body just amazing really, young at 23.  Shes got everybody fooled.  This just aint fair.

[antjs]

remember that borderlines do not have a sense of self and that big part of their need for a "r\s" is to feel whole. a borderline is a chameleon. she just copies people. If you are doing something just because x does it would you enjoy it ?

away from the comparison you should look at yourself. this person that is giving you this "advice" right now is not following what he is saying but he knows that this is the right thing to do. i know it is hard not to think about her. i have been thinking about her every winute for the last 3 months since last contact. i know how it feels unfair. i know about the mixed feelings about her that is driving you crazy. i am suffering a lot this phase too. but there is nothing we can do regarding them. we just have to process these feelings and grow.

[OutOfEgypt]

Nope, it isn't fair.  But it won't last.  Wait until she's 33... . and then 43... . and then 53. 

And she doesn't have everybody fooled.  You aren't fooled any more.  And you won't be the only one who eventually sees it.

She just wants to know she can still have your heart on a string.  Take that away from her by moving on.  Keep going.  Envision your future, a future that is free from this hell, and run after it.  You know it is better than anything she could ever give you in a million years.

[BacknthSaddle]

Nope, it isn't fair.  But it won't last.  Wait until she's 33... . and then 43... . and then 53. 

And she doesn't have everybody fooled.  You aren't fooled any more.  And you won't be the only one who eventually sees it.

This is true, and not just because of the change in appearance that comes with aging.  People who are 53 usually want different things from life than they did when they were 23 because they have matured, grown, and had a number of gradual alterations in perspective.  This will not happen with someone with untreated BPD.  The needs will be the same 10, 20, 30 years from now.

Many people here talk about the adventure and the intensity of their relationships with their BPDxs as the things that drew them in. But ask yourself: when you're 67 years old, do you really think you'll still want to be with someone like that? Because, were you to stay with your ex, you would not be staying with someone who would grow along with you. 

What seems like a "grand life" when you're 23 can seem sad and pathetic decades later.  Allow yourself to grow, and be glad that you are out. 

[LettingGo14]

Anyway, I had a nervous breakdown which I am still in the throes of.  WHile her on the other hand seems to be living life to the fullest.  She got the job I wanted went the the music shows I wanted to see and a bunch of other ideas I had come up with just shes not doing them with me.  She seems happy go lucky and life is grand.  SHe has a steady supply of narcissistic supply etc.  She is a very pretty girl with a killer body just amazing really, young at 23.  Shes got everybody fooled.  This just aint fair.

Blimblam.  You are right -- it's not fair.   But, then again, nothing about life is fair -- ever.   And, this was a hard, but essential, lesson for me.  

I completely understand where you are right now.   And, you will survive this.

We have to turn the mirror back on ourselves.   This does NOT mean we shoulder blame or shame.   Instead, it means that the other person's "reality"  is not what our minds say.   The only way out is letting go of our ex-partners as reference points.  My imaginary ex-girlfriend does not match my real-life ex-girlfriend.  

It's not fair.  But we are here to go through this together, and -- ultimately -- to thrive, not just survive.  My ex-girlfriend has been my zen koan:  "A puzzling, often paradoxical statement or story, used in Zen Buddhism as an aid to meditation and a means of gaining spiritual awakening."

Keep posting.

[Conundrum]

Your dreams cannot be stolen. They can be imitated--which allegedly is the sincerest form of flattery.

af·fec·ta·tion

noun \ˌa-ˌfek-ˈtā-shən\: the act of taking on or displaying an attitude or mode of behavior not natural to oneself or not genuinely felt--which can be soothing to those afflicted, thereby making life easier to navigate by reducing stress and anxiety.

If all is fair in love and war, in a universe where entropy tends to the maximum, then the question for you my friend is what synthesis do you want from all of this--for yourself? After all, they do not imprison us. We imprison ourselves--by desire.

A good-man who is poor wins the powerball. With ticket in hand he gleefully skips down the street, slips on a banana peel, takes a tumble. The winning ticket escapes his grasp, gets carried off by the wind and comes to rest in the hands of a very bad man. The bad man becomes rich partying night and day. The good man remains poor. One day the bad man's lackeys conspire to rob and kill him. This they do, but the bad man had no heirs except for a long lost distant cousin--who by a twist of fate turns out to be the same good man who had lost his ticket to wealth. When learning that he was now rich, the good man remained stoic, and simply said that, "fortunes come and go, but what is essential is invisible to the eye."

J'aurais dû ne pas l'écouter, me confia-t-il un jour, il ne faut jamais écouter les fleurs. Il faut les regarder et les respirer.

"I should never have listened to her," he confided to me one day, "One should never listen to the flowers. One should simply look at them and breathe their fragrance."

Vous êtes belles, mais vous êtes vides... . On ne peut pas mourir pour vous.

"You're beautiful, but you're empty... . No one could die for you."

'Où sont les hommes ?' reprit enfin le petit prince. 'On est un peu seul dans le désert.'

'On est seul aussi chez les hommes', dit le serpent.

"Where are the people?" resumed the little prince at last. "It's a little lonely in the desert... . "

"It is lonely when you're among people, too," said the snake.

Ce qui embellit le désert, dit le petit prince, c'est qu'il cache un puits quelque part... .

"What makes the desert beautiful," says the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well."

All thing change... .

[Blimblam]

You know a lot of people seem to have this notion they cling to that they know there ex causes chaos wherever they go and they are lowfuncionting etc.  Mine is not no one of those. there are redflags but she does not cause chaos except for those capable that truly love her.  It makes is harder to justify not wanting her.  And looking and focusing on myself  recovering from this trauma is the most difficult experience of my life.  

I was in a relation ship with a BPD girl 10 years ago but she never brought me to the point where my mind snapped like a switch from brainwashing and torture.  That pain was bad really bad she was my first "love" as well.  BUt this is on another level  this is paralyzing.  Im left with a choice of let my business fall apart and tend my mind or try to push through working and most likely kill myself from  the anxiety.

[woodsposse]

 

I think it is at a time like this I want to share something.

Right now, the only person who is causing you pain is yourself.

I know exactly where you are in your grieving process... . as I was there for a long time in mine.  It was very difficult to get through - and all I wanted to do was think, think and think some  more.  I ruminated on this night and day - and late at night was the worst.  I could double myself up in a knot.  My concentration was shot!  And... . I too thought it was unfair what she did to me - to us.

But... . in the end - the only person who continued to cause my pain, was me.

Keep posting.  Process what you need to process - but the focus is on you.  Has been and will always be.

We can "put the blame" on them all day, everyday - but at the end of the day, the only person to keep you where you are is you.

What is it in your life which keeps you stuck - and/or keeps gravitating you towards r/s surrounded with dysfunction?  What is it you are consciously (or subconsciously) trying to attain?

Your happiness starts and ends with you.  So what is it you need?

[LettingGo14]

BUt this is on another level  this is paralyzing.  Im left with a choice of let my business fall apart and tend my mind or try to push through working and most likely kill myself from  the anxiety.

Blimblam -- the only solution I found to the anxiety was meditation.   It may sound insane, and new agey, and not true.   But, if you take a look at John Kabat-Zinn's books, or even read Dan Harris' new book, 10% Happier... . you may find some relief. 

I did.  It changed everything.

[Blimblam]

woodsposse,

Intelectually I know why.  My mom was separated form me at 1 year old and she is BPD.  I was raised with my dad who has anger and intimacy issues from being raised in an abusive family.  My step mom from age 3 on was very strict and she was not nurturing.  My older half brother is a sociopath or NPD and tortured me for years.  For example at age 3 he picked me up by my ankles and spun in a circle swinging me and let go throwing me into a wall. He was age 12 at the time.  I remember him thinking it was funny until he realized my arm was dislocated and he might get in trouble.  At age 8 my birth mom moved away.  My entire life my dad put big expectations on me and my step mom constantly invalidated me.  My birth mom  used me to triangulate against my dad and lied to me so much I don't even know what was true.

I never received any honest nurturing and no one ever listened to me and validated me in my FOO.

but that does nothing for me there is no light bulb.

[goldylamont]

woodsposse,

Intelectually I know why.  My mom was separated form me at 1 year old and she is BPD.  I was raised with my dad who has anger and intimacy issues from being raised in an abusive family.  My step mom from age 3 on was very strict and she was not nurturing.  My older half brother is a sociopath or NPD and tortured me for years.  For example at age 3 he picked me up by my ankles and spun in a circle swinging me and let go throwing me into a wall. He was age 12 at the time.  I remember him thinking it was funny until he realized my arm was dislocated and he might get in trouble.  At age 8 my birth mom moved away.  My entire life my dad put big expectations on me and my step mom constantly invalidated me.  My birth mom  used me to triangulate against my dad and lied to me so much I don't even know what was true.

I never received any honest nurturing and no one ever listened to me and validated me in my FOO.

but that does nothing for me there is no light bulb.

f(*&k. blimblam that is a lot of stuff to process. and it sounds like it's all coming to a head now that this latest r/s has ended. on top of ending an abusive r/s you also are working through other issues which you have acknowledged attract you to BPD women to begin with.

listen man, i won't try and give you any silver linings right now. and it feel patronizing for me to say "only you yourself can bring on your own happiness--so go do it!". just doesn't feel right. the truth is is that you are at a very low point. and in a way it sounds like you are very close to rock bottom. what i will say is to keep keeping on, just keep surviving and keep posting. don't worry about all this self-empowering speak until you have moments where you feel powerful enough to act on it. i think you realize that over time things will get better for you--after all you were able to recover from your first xgf with BPD so you will eventually recover from this one. i would use this time to do what you are already doing which is to use your anger to protect you and stay away from anyone who is emotionally abusive to you. try your best to hang in there with what you are doing with work--if you think creatively is there any way you could take time off just for a while? maybe even a few days of sick time just to re-up your power reserves? in essence i'm trying to brainstorm ways for you to be able to bridge this gap and give yourself at least a few days to heal some. just enough where you can make it through working hopefully. and from this point we can start looking at other issues and self empowerment.

your xBPD is out there surviving, and she's using her looks and her lack of empathy and ability to use people as a way to get by. it's all she has. she did steal your dreams, people absolutely can do this. **but you still have the ability to dream for yourself! never forget this. ever. and don't worry about dreaming up some la-di-da heavenly stuff right now. focus on the short term just to survive for a while and you will have plenty of opportunities later on to regroup and refocus, re-dream if you will. once you get to the other side of this beast my hope is that the lesson learned will be that you don't want to mess around with *anyone* who poses a threat to your well being like women you've chosen in the past. that's all any of this means, if anything. i wish you well blimblam wish there was more i could say, just writing from the heart

[woodsposse]

 

I would tend to agree with Goldylamont.  It is a lot on your head right now - and the silver linings stuff is great for when you are ready to hear it.  Doesn't change the fact that it is there - but it will be there when you are ready.

And it is true:

she did steal your dreams, people absolutely can do this. **but you still have the ability to dream for yourself!

... . which is tantamount to saying "Your happiness starts and ends with you."  (so it's there.  It's just waiting for you!).  And you will get there... . I promise you that.  Keep posting, keep being here among people who understand you and what you are going through - because we have (and are) going through it too.   

[Blimblam]

thanks I guess ill keep posting maybe some insight or whatever will arrive.

I remember My Dad yelling and swearing a lot at my brother.  My brother was sadistic though and just a really bad kid.  When my Dad would start yelling I would go hide behind his lazyboy and just create a fantasy land.

From around age 4 my step mom had my sweep mop, and dust all the furnature I could reach.  She expected it to be perfect and would double check all my work with a critical eye.  It was always "I guess that's good enough, but next week I expect (fill in the blank)" 

I always missed my mom and when I would see her she would take me on "adventures",  She had incredible road rage. One way my ex reminds me of my mom.  Also my Mom was always trying to pull some sneaky trick like seeing more movies in the theatre than paid for or sneaking food in.  I thought she was totally normal until about age 22.  She would rage at my Dad everytime I was there over the phone.  I was her "sunshine," She would always sing to me "you are my sunshine." I always felt good about that song but as I got older felt guilty when she would sing it.  She had a short temper but I always knew how to stay on her good side.  Untill one day I spilled my fruit punch on the rug and she freaked out and rged at me for like 45 minutes straight I was age   6  from that day on she would only let me drink out of sippy cups and would say because I am so clumsy and inconsiderate etc.  Everytime I wanted something to drink I would be reminded why I "needed" to drink out of a sippy cup. Eventually She moved across the country when I was 8.  I didn't realize she abandoned me until I was 22.  She always wanted me to move out there with her and I felt guilty my entire life about not moving out there with her.  WHen I would visit her out there her Rages had increased it was horrible.  SHe would sit me down and go through this 1 hour conversation of how shes is a victim how Im her sunshine and I just felt really guilty and trapped by it.  Every year the story would change a little bit more until I was the reason she moved out there, eventually it was because it was inspired by something I had said when I was 5.

In school as a child I had ADHD undiagnosed but would finish all my work very quickly and would get bored.  I was always in trouble for talking.  I had straight As though.  Once I turned 9 I got upset by always feeling in trouble and would stand up for myself against the teachers BS.  The teacher as the authority was often "not fair," or their reasoning was illogical or flawed.  Their were certain teachers that the kids would just think were a b___.  These teachers tended to really hate me and one day each year I would get fed up and tear into them.  They would usually end up in tears and the other kids kind of feared me.  I always tested about even with the super nerd Asian kid in the class so being 1st or 2nd place in test scores.  Because I had a reputation for being in trouble they never skipped me ahead even though they should have.  I was sort of a class clown but I had a sense of honor or justice.  It was about fairness for me. 

In high school I got shy because my brother told me for years once I got into high school I was going to get my ass kicked.

maybe this should be in the personal inventory board.

I had a rich fantasy grandois false self. I felt entitled because of my test scores and ability to understand the metaphors in the books the teacher had us read and the themes.  Often times the teachers would not understand the underlying message at all and I would even start teaching those classes.  The teachers usually just let me because they were learning to.

All this leads me to believe I may be the lonely child schema and have vulnerable narcissistc tendencies and schizoid tendencies because I am an introvert. 

But still no aha moments. 

I spent severel months alone in the woods after my frist exBPDgf and I totally cleared my slate.  Well as much as I could have I think all the things I didn take care of then have possibly surfaced now.  I was out there to protect a rainforest,  And I remember wanting to believe I was doing it for selfless reasons but the more I thought about it the more I realized the layer below would be selfish... In the end it was to be able to think of myself as a good person.  With that in mind I did what needed to be done to get the place protected even if it meant making enemies and foregoing status.

So maybe I am an vulnerable narcissist of sorts.  At the same time I can not stand overt narcs and histrionics. I like to think of myself as having a sort of deep empathy though.  Although with my current situation for sometime now I have felt the need to be selfish to survive.

[Blimblam]

so is there any self actualization or shedding of the false self that comes out of all this?

[LettingGo14]

so is there any self actualization or shedding of the false self that comes out of all this?

Yes.  Without a doubt.  This has been the most humiliating experience of my life -- but I kid you not, somewhere in the darkness, I saw a glimmer of something authentic.  It comes and goes, but I know it's there.  It's not dependent on any one except me. 

Perhaps you found it when you "cleaned the slate" years ago in the woods? 

It's a process, not a switch, and it's a slog.   But, going through -- which I never did before -- has given me hope.   

[Tausk]

woodsposse,

Intelectually I know why.  My mom was separated form me at 1 year old and she is BPD.  I was raised with my dad who has anger and intimacy issues from being raised in an abusive family.  My step mom from age 3 on was very strict and she was not nurturing.  My older half brother is a sociopath or NPD and tortured me for years.  For example at age 3 he picked me up by my ankles and spun in a circle swinging me and let go throwing me into a wall. He was age 12 at the time.  I remember him thinking it was funny until he realized my arm was dislocated and he might get in trouble.  At age 8 my birth mom moved away.  My entire life my dad put big expectations on me and my step mom constantly invalidated me.  My birth mom  used me to triangulate against my dad and lied to me so much I don't even know what was true.

I never received any honest nurturing and no one ever listened to me and validated me in my FOO.

but that does nothing for me there is no light bulb.

Thank you for this share.  It's very powerful.  Your honesty and courage inspires me to continue to search for meaning and compassion in my life.  Your post validates me, and for that I am grateful!

I was just this week in a teaching that discussed how important patience is one's life.  And the opponents of patience are hatred and anger.  So this week I've asked for patience and tried and be mindful of my anger and hatred levels.  It has helped me to let go a bit.

I remember when I was a child and short for my age.  I would look at the height markers on my door frame and just couldn't wait to grow taller.  But growth takes time.  

I hope myself and everyone on this board can find the patience to continue to grow and recover.

In gratitude,

T

[Blimblam]

Thanks tausk,

You know what it actually is helping to just vent this stuff out and be validated.  I guess this is my kind of aha moment.  It feels good to be heard validated And feel understood. Something I thought my ex was doing by mirroring. And when I started to sense that she didn't get me and her mirroring was a pattern I was in denial.

[Blimblam]

Dang it got a lot more clear.

I guess when the validation wasn't consistant with her actions she picked up on me going to see through the facade. And it triggered her.

[Blimblam]

It really lets me know how insecure she really is.  I guess that's proof that she did feel bad a

But has a really terrible set of coping skills

[Blimblam]

My search for understanding must have triggered her too so she acted out to test my Allegence which triggered Me.  

I eventually got bated into the caretaking role as the rescuer of the karmen triangle.

at the same time My expectations of equity exposed the shallowness of her attachment and My need for understanding to justify why I should continue in that role triggered her into the persecuter and me into the victim.

I knew this already though from research. I guess it takes a while for the body to experience the purging and internalize the information.

I guess I have vulnerable narcissist tendencies like 2010 writes about.

[Blimblam]

I guess I shouldn't be upset with her for being disordered.  My own issues drew me to her and now they are being exposed to the light of day which is a painfull process.  While she is doing the exact opposite so therefore is not processing them but she still has those same insecurities. 

Hope is whats getting  me through this but hope that I should believe in myself and my gut.  IN contrast it was hope that kept me In a toxic situation believing in the delusion created by my false self that my ex enticed me into creating.  The false self I had created as a coping mechanism to deal with my foo.  My own abandonment fears and need for understanding kept me chasing once things had gone sour to prove to her or perhaps myself that I was worthy of the validation she had once provided.

[LA4610]

you can get and feel better. she can't. she never will. EVER.

she isn't super happy. it is an illusion. she is miserable and will always be. her life is a living hell.

yours is not. the first step is to get her out your life completely. stop looking at pictures of her , erase her phone number, etc etc.

that seems pretty fair to me.

[antjs]

[quote\]

I eventually got bated into the caretaking role as the rescuer of the karmen triangle.

[quote\]

in my case, my ex's dad was a NPD. i think he sexually abused her as a child but i am not sure. but she told me a lot of stories of abuse and child neglect and that she had a miserable childhood. on the first day of devaluation, she made a crazy making incident followed by drama and being a victim. I remember very much that she kept on saying that she missed her mother (she split her parents black and escaped her country. she is a foreigner living in my country. her sister lives in the same country so thats a good balance between abandonment and engulfment that suits her). It strikes me now that in her mind i resembled her mother and triggered it. me and her mother were both having the caretaking role in the triangle and her dad was the prosecutor