depression feels like its literally killing me

[antjs]

i was diagnosed with ptsd. i was hospitalized once for severe panic attacks successively in one day during the first few weeks after the break up. my therapist taught me a technique to use when i am feeling that a panic attack is on its way. it worked well during use later. during the last few therapy sessions, i was feeling way better. my therapist dismissed me from therapy and said i have nothing wrong with me and that i am healthy just a "normal grieving process of a break up with BPD". for three weeks now,though NC is maintained and i can not find any triggers because of her (i still think about this thing 24\7 though) the depression kicked in just like the first few weeks maybe worse. what i feel now is not a panic attack. i feel like my body is physically getting hurt because of the intense long term depression. i am trying not to exaggerate but i feel like my physical body can not take it anymore. my break up (grieve starting) was last march. any experience ?

[woodsposse]

i was diagnosed with ptsd. i was hospitalized once for severe panic attacks successively in one day during the first few weeks after the break up. my therapist taught me a technique to use when i am feeling that a panic attack is on its way. it worked well during use later. during the last few therapy sessions, i was feeling way better. my therapist dismissed me from therapy and said i have nothing wrong with me and that i am healthy just a "normal grieving process of a break up with BPD". for three weeks now,though NC is maintained and i can not find any triggers because of her (i still think about this thing 24\7 though) the depression kicked in just like the first few weeks maybe worse. what i feel now is not a panic attack. i feel like my body is physically getting hurt because of the intense long term depression. i am trying not to exaggerate but i feel like my physical body can not take it anymore. my break up (grieve starting) was last march. any experience ?

Any experience?  Uhmmmm... . YEAH!

I know exactly what you are going through - as I went through the exact same symptoms.  It is not an easy process, my friend.  Not easy indeed.  There is the physical ... . and the mental ... . and the emotional. I stayed ruminating 24/7.  Waves of physical symptoms hit me throughout the day when the thoughts hit me.  Enough to make me want to curl up in a fetal position and rock myself to sleep.

But here is the thing - all of this... . is normal.

I promise you - I swear I promise you will get through this. 

The best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to stay NC... . and try and process the grief and mourn the loss.  Stay posting here... . let out what is in your head and heart.  This is a very safe and validating place to let go.  We are all in the same boat - and, at least, we all know exactly what you are going through.

Believe me, it does get better.

(And do me a favor... . don't forget to eat!)

Stay healthy my friend.

[antjs]

Enough to make me want to curl up in a fetal position and rock myself to sleep.

this is exactly what i feel i want to do. yes i know now that you have been through this by your comment of "don't forget to eat." yes i have to eat better cause i don't. i am very good at maintaining NC, i am not worried about myself breaking it. I believe that i will feel better at some point. I am just puzzled at that i was doing better gradually, dismissed from therapy, still no triggers or contact and then boom ! not back to point zero but it feels like negative even. i know that the process is not linear but i thought the initial weeks were the deepest pit.

[antjs]

not to mention that though dismissed from therapy with nothing my therapist could point at, i am ruminating a 6 week old r\s for 3 months now. I used to numb and run away from my feelings before the BPD experience. i feel like i am processing the pain of an unresolved issue without knowing what it is.

[woodsposse]

not to mention that though dismissed from therapy with nothing my therapist could point at, i am ruminating a 6 week old r\s for 3 months now. I used to numb and run away from my feelings before the BPD experience. i feel like i am processing the pain of an unresolved issue without knowing what it is.

In my experience... . and after being here on this site for a little while now - it doesn't matter if the r/s was 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years.  The feelings are the same.  I think you are correct... . there is some unresolved issue your subsconscious it tugging at you to get too.

Typically, a r/s like this (and a break up) re-opens old wounds... . pours salt on it... . then vinegar... . then hot sauce... . maybe some more salt... . and then kicks it!  (not necessarily in that order).

And... . just so you are ready for this - you could go a month or two and feel on top of the world then all of a sudden for no explained reason... . come crashing back down.

As was told to Auther Dent... . DON'T PANIC!

It's normal.

Just so you know... . my friends all jump on me because I have lost so much weight.  Heck, my grandmother even told me I need to stop loosing weight.  Don't get me wrong - I eat.  Heck, sometimes I eat like a pig.  But to be honest... . there were some times I totally forgot to eat for days.

It is the adrenaline associated with stress.  It's a physiological thing.  Trust me... . I researched that one on a scientific tip.  And... . again... . it's normal. 

so... . by all accounts, my friend... . you are NORMAL!  Yay!   

[Mutt]

not to mention that though dismissed from therapy with nothing my therapist could point at, i am ruminating a 6 week old r\s for 3 months now. I used to numb and run away from my feelings before the BPD experience. i feel like i am processing the pain of an unresolved issue without knowing what it is.

This has to be tough as hell. You're feeling deep pain from an unknown wound that you can't identify. You must feel frustration and confusion. What were your previous relationships like? You ran away from your feelings. How were you coping? Where you coping through new relationships? I ask because maybe wounds from previous r/s have surfaced?

[Infared]

AJ... . I heavily identify with you and WoodPosse... .

"Enough to make me want to curl up in a fetal position and rock myself to sleep."

Hard to believe I did that, too (and I never did fall asleep for two whole months... . didn't think that that was even possible).

Hang in there buddy... I did not think that I could survive the pain either, but you can and you will!  Just keep reaching out to all the help and support that is available to you (like you ARE doing by coming here!). it gets better!

[Lion Fire]

AJ, I know that feeling.

At the moment, I'm in a much more stable place.

I was forced to finally split with my BPDexgf 11 weeks ago (aye, I count the days still  )

It was all a huge mess but I won't go into the details now.

At first, the relief of being away from her (I moved cities) and the combination of anger and self preservation numbed my feelings and I actually felt ok.

After a couple of weeks reality hit. The emptiness and the damage was revealed. This traumatic relationship opened up ancient wounds and I had nowhere to run.

I reached out and entered Therapy. I bottomed out emotionally after a few sessions. This was a dark dark place and there were times I was hopeless.

I stuck with the process and little by little things improved. I am not hopeless anymore and I feel a lot lighter.

The keys to this healing for me have been No Contact- Faith-Endurance.

No contact has allowed me to detach and has given me the space and time to heal.

I can tell you it does get better but in my case there were no short cuts. I had to face this healing process head on without distractions.

All will be well... . detach.faith.endurance

Peace

[Blimblam]

Antony,

I am on the same page.  If you could please share with me the technique when you feel a panic attack coming on It would help me.  

I find digging into the emotions and crying as hard as I can to be one of the most therapeutic tools at my disposal.  Innitially I held off crying and it ate me up inside.  I had hope for the relationship and that at me up inside.  I find the song "The Patient" by Tool to sum up how I feel.  I actually recommend checking out the band tool and listening and reading the lyrics.  The music is a Tool for healing from trauma and addiction.  Listen to the album AEnema over and over.  The album is about digging into oneself to find answers and healing, as represented on the cover by a guy putting his head up his own ass.  

If you are feeling more angry start with the album Undertow which is about being dragged down by trauma and addiction.  Eventually the album Latteralus which is about being free of the pain is the album you want to arrive at.  Those three albums are one of the most powerful therapeutic tools I know of. There is a reason the band is called TOOL.

[antjs]

not to mention that though dismissed from therapy with nothing my therapist could point at, i am ruminating a 6 week old r\s for 3 months now. I used to numb and run away from my feelings before the BPD experience. i feel like i am processing the pain of an unresolved issue without knowing what it is.

This has to be tough as hell. You're feeling deep pain from an unknown wound that you can't identify. You must feel frustration and confusion. What were your previous relationships like? You ran away from your feelings. How were you coping? Where you coping through new relationships? I ask because maybe wounds from previous r/s have surfaced?

my previous r\s were good. i am on good terms with most of my exs. i was diagnosed with quarter life crisis. circumstances other than relationships were bad during the last 3 to 4 years. dad got sick, i failed an important exam, career is going the wrong way, unemployment, friends leaving the country for economical reasons. i used to blame myself for stuff out of my control then numb my feelings and do not process them. i was coping with the six packs with friends. i avoided sitting by myself alone and process my feelings or try to resolve any issue out of my hands. the BPD experience came like a crashing train to awaken me. now i feel like i am processing the pain of many years of ignoring myself and my feelings. but i can feel it, there is something very big that its causing my emotional turmoil now but i cant know it.

[antjs]

Antony,

I am on the same page.  If you could please share with me the technique when you feel a panic attack coming on It would help me. 

Blimblam

when you feel that a panic attack is about to happen. go sit on a chair in a silent room or place. while sitting lean your head on the wall behind the chair. stretch your legs and make them relaxed as much as you can and leave your hands relaxed and free on the side. start imagining that you are a sandbag. a real sandbag. you are not you. imagine that the sand is leaving through the tips of your hands and legs and that your sand is getting out of your body as a sand clock. and say to yourself inside your head the sand is leaving my forehead, around my eyes, my cheeks, around my mouth, my neck, and so on till it leaves your whole body. do it slowly. its not a placebo. i feel my heart pounding like crazy when i have a panic attack. as soon as i start the technique my heart rate begins to go down.

[Infared]

BlimBlam and AJ... . I also had the panic attacks. I got VERY depressed and had high anxiety along with the depression (I had experienced depression thru my life, but not this double whammy combo pack). I had never smoked cigarettes in my life and I started smoking 2-3 packs of Marlboro Reds a day!... .

I could have a panic attack in the strangest places with no real discernable cause.   A few of people I know had been thru this and elected to have access to some rather strong medications for the attacks. Since I have a history of substance abuse issues I felt that meds were not an option for me... . I just kept smoking(LOL! Not recommended), working thru my stuff and was counseled to really pay attention to my basics, like eating properly, resting as best I could, and being vigilant to keep myself out of ANY kind of stressful situations. Just minding VERY basic, simple things to keep my life simple and safe.  Sounds silly perhaps... . but it may have saved my life. I was at mess.

I feel for you guys. Truly.