How to set boundary about not saying divorce/verbal abuse

[kiddfei]

For even little issues my BPD wife like to say divorce and I understand her true feeling at that moment was really sadness.

However, I see this as part of the verbal abuse and really want to set boundary on it. A typical email today from her.

I don't want to pretend happy while I'm not .

I even can't pretend strong while I'm not.

I am quitting .

Let's divorce . I will engage lawyer processing the property .

Let's separate from today . I will inform my lawyer . Please don't come back tonight or I will stay in XXX 's

So should I go back, and try to resolve or should I just respond in a hard way to set the boundary?

Another very sad/ironic thing is, just minutes after she sent me this email, she lost a very good job offer she was really looking forward to, and was given the verbal offer (position cancelled). So she then was begging me to comfort her and say it is the saddest moment etc and accused me of terrible partner because i didn't start to comfort very soon (but who will make it soon enough after have seen her email?)

I gave her a call and said I love her and will support.  But I don't know in this situation how to act.  I know this is a bit complicated.

Thanks all

Phil

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[kiddfei]

a bit background of my current situation before the incident today (above post)

I am a husband of a wife who is suspected BPD (or having traits). We are married for one year and half now and we had a very explosive episode two weeks ago, almost led to separation. She was suspected having BPD one year ago and has already started to see psychologist from three months ago, every another week.  She had made improvements but this time the trigger was maybe too much for her to hold off. We decided to get back together last week and I will start to see my psychologist from next week to have better coping skills, as I have endured both verbal and physical abuse from her (two weeks ago being the most aggressive physical abuse and police was involved).  

She also had serious issue with my parents and she thought they hate her.  (e.g. she was very upset after saw my picture with my mum on the bookshelf and asked me to hide the photo to somewhere else).

They liked her but after all happened and have seen their only son abused in the marriage now they are very upset.  They were even confronting my wife and asked us to divorce straight away.


Of course we love each other and she was high functioning, having a good job and a few friends and good personality when not having an episode.  I have tried to set the boundary of not having any verbal or physical abuse, but to no avail.  We are staying together and praying everyday hope God will help us to get recovered from all the damaged done in our marriage.

My wife recognizes her issue. After what happened two weeks ago, my wife has altered her attitude (at least according to her) and has been 'soften' on a few critical issues (my parents, life style).  I hope this could be sustained, however when her mood switches or is triggered by some unforeseen event in the future I am still expecting a outburst and so I need to learn how to cope with it.  I have also seen her lean towards the God a lot more than before, and we pray everyday and trust in God to look after us.  I was inspired by the following video and comments (see John's and his wife comments). www.counselingoneanother.com/2011/07/09/when-jesus-confronts-borderline-personality-disorder/

A next critical issue is that my parents are moving to Australia next month and I will at least spend a couple of weeks even staying with them to help them settle.  This is unimaginable/impossible for my wife before but now she seems ok with it.  I also need to relieve my parents from worrying too much on my marriage - as aforementioned that they insist us to divorce which does not help the whole situation at all.  

I have been reading threads here and found some are very useful.  I really appreciate this and will continue to work hard on the marriage.  Any comments are welcome.

Thank you

Phil

[an0ught]

Hi Phil,

For even little issues my BPD wife like to say divorce and I understand her true feeling at that moment was really sadness.

However, I see this as part of the verbal abuse and really want to set boundary on it. A typical email today from her.

I don't want to pretend happy while I'm not .

I even can't pretend strong while I'm not.

I am quitting .

Let's divorce . I will engage lawyer processing the property .

Let's separate from today . I will inform my lawyer . Please don't come back tonight or I will stay in XXX 's

So should I go back, and try to resolve or should I just respond in a hard way to set the boundary?

it is quite understandable that you don't want to hear about divorce being thrown in your direction casually and it is wrong and abusive . She is angry and want to get a reaction from you and it is hard not to give one. Generally it is best not to engage and take some timout  if she is doing too much venting type divorce calling or is calling divorce to hurt you.

"I don't want to pretend happy while I'm not .

I even can't pretend strong while I'm not.

I am quitting ."

Sound she is unhappy and exhausted and feels a lot of things (whatever they are) are too much her. That can be validated. Marriage has brought a number of disappointments with it - it sure is not exactly what was imagined - is it ever?

So: "You really sound down and exhausted. Even our relationship does not bring happyness. The new job is gone. There is too much on your plate. Where do you struggle?"

And remember your job is not to make her happy (even if she believes so) but to listen and understand. Only she herself can change the way she feels.

[LilHurt420]

I've had trouble getting my husband to stop threatening divorce every time he gets mad also.  The last time he did it a few weeks ago (while I'm pregnant with our 2nd by the way) was because I was upset that our car insurance has doubled due to an at fault accident that he "doesn't remember" and getting 2 tickets in the last year.  When I called him out on it he brought up all this stuff about me from the past and told me he wanted a divorce. I finally told him you know what I want a divorce too I'm tired of you treating me this way and I have nothing else to say to you.  I then ignored all his calls and texts for the rest of the day.  That night he came to me apologizing.  He's been cautious since then, but I still live in fear of his next out burst.  It seems no matter what tactics I try, drawing boundaries with them is really hard.  When they get into their episodes all boundaries go out the window.  Lately I find the more I just ignore the behavior the quicker it is to go away (though it doesn't stop it being unbearable while it is happening).

My husband does similar things like going to extremes of wanting to divorce and has even given me divorce papers before, but then changes his tune shortly after when he needs my help or support with something.  Some how in his head it's always my fault that he's acted this way.

[kiddfei]

Hi Phil,

For even little issues my BPD wife like to say divorce and I understand her true feeling at that moment was really sadness.

However, I see this as part of the verbal abuse and really want to set boundary on it. A typical email today from her.

I don't want to pretend happy while I'm not .

I even can't pretend strong while I'm not.

I am quitting .

Let's divorce . I will engage lawyer processing the property .

Let's separate from today . I will inform my lawyer . Please don't come back tonight or I will stay in XXX 's

So should I go back, and try to resolve or should I just respond in a hard way to set the boundary?

it is quite understandable that you don't want to hear about divorce being thrown in your direction casually and it is wrong and abusive . She is angry and want to get a reaction from you and it is hard not to give one. Generally it is best not to engage and take some timout  if she is doing too much venting type divorce calling or is calling divorce to hurt you.

"I don't want to pretend happy while I'm not .

I even can't pretend strong while I'm not.

I am quitting ."

Sound she is unhappy and exhausted and feels a lot of things (whatever they are) are too much her. That can be validated. Marriage has brought a number of disappointments with it - it sure is not exactly what was imagined - is it ever?

So: "You really sound down and exhausted. Even our relationship does not bring happyness. The new job is gone. There is too much on your plate. Where do you struggle?"

And remember your job is not to make her happy (even if she believes so) but to listen and understand. Only she herself can change the way she feels.

Thank you! I will learn to validate. One positive thing is she didn't have very strong emotional outburst when she lost this job offer, personally even I feel sadder after this incident because she worked so hard to get the verbal offer and then out of the blue it was cancelled after 3 interviews and health check and reference check.  And she also quits her existing job because she thought she 'definitely' got the new job - she is staying for another two to four weeks at the existing job though.

[Skip]

I was inspired by the following video and comments (see John's and his wife comments). www.counselingoneanother.com/2011/07/09/when-jesus-confronts-borderline-personality-disorder/

Very impressive video -  I've not seen it before.   Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavioral therapy, credits the beginning of her own recovery from borderline personality disorder to a day when she was kneeling at the altar in her church.

Recovery is clearly about finding strength from within and support from the outside.   If the two of you can come together to take on this challenge, I believe you can conquer it.

Glad to have you here.  Hope to see working here on the boards.