does your sibling act like this?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sister has undiag BPD and all my life she has been jealous of me and is a master in passive aggressive behavior.  We can't talk or have a nice conversation, she basically talks at me.  We were on the phone yesterday and she was sharing something about her church and then I shared with her what my plans for the day were which included my dtr and her bf coming over to watch our local parade and then barbeque later.  Instead of a normal response of " Sounds like fun."  I got,  " Why would you want to go to that?  Doesn't your dtr hate that parade?  I thought her bf plays softball every day?  You mean he can come to this? and on and on and on it goes.  I don't defend anymore.  I used to do that.  Now I just answer in a very soft manner, " It's a tradition in our family."  It gets so old to hear the negative remarks all the time.  She genuinely doesn't care what I do or say.  How do all of you deal with the negative comments that never seem to end?

[fairly]

My sister has undiag BPD and all my life she has been jealous of me and is a master in passive aggressive behavior.  We can't talk or have a nice conversation, she basically talks at me.  We were on the phone yesterday and she was sharing something about her church and then I shared with her what my plans for the day were which included my dtr and her bf coming over to watch our local parade and then barbeque later.  Instead of a normal response of " Sounds like fun."  I got,  " Why would you want to go to that?  Doesn't your dtr hate that parade?  I thought her bf plays softball every day?  You mean he can come to this? and on and on and on it goes.  I don't defend anymore.  I used to do that.  Now I just answer in a very soft manner, " It's a tradition in our family."  It gets so old to hear the negative remarks all the time.  She genuinely doesn't care what I do or say.  How do all of you deal with the negative comments that never seem to end?

[Valley Quail]

Hi fairly,


It's great to have you here. Those putdown comments, jealousy, and passive-aggressive behaviors can be so frustrating. I'm sorry they're happening to you. My mom has done the same type of thing. What I like to do now is... . if I feel that a person isn't safe/respectful enough to share things with... . I share the bare minimum with them. I talk about what they shared or about news relating to mutual friends and family, or current events... . but I don't share much about my life. And then I search for people that are safe to have a two-way relationship with, where I feel safe to share without being negated or put down.


I'm very sorry that is happening. I think it is common for this disorder and you are not alone.

xoxo

-VQ

[fairly]

Thanks, Valley quail.  I do exactly what you recommend by not sharing too much with her but sometimes I forget and all the negative comments come at me.  I know the next time we talk she will ask about the parade, but not because she really cares whether we had a good time or not. I guess she asks because it is expected. It always goes the same way.  I will explain how our day was and then she will say nothing or go "hmm".    When we are on the  phone she does all the talking as I do not have much to share, so I just listen.  I would like to go VLC but she is caring for our 95 yr old father so I have to take the phone calls.  I know that after he is passed that things will be different.  Luckily we live 350 miles apart so that helps and I have a very supportive husband.   

[AnnieSurvivor]

Hi fairly,

I am also to sorry to hear how she treats you, and sorry to say this is also common with my mother, and frankly most others I know of who deal with a person with BPD.

I echo VQ's advice exactly - let them talk, offer little to nothing of your life, and if you do let something slip, be prepared to brush off the negative comments quickly.  Don't defend, deny, justify, etc.  Usually BPDs are more than happy to get back on a subject of interest to them so I have found interrupting and changing course is not problematic.  Or, mention that someone is at the door, on the other line... . pot about to boil over... . there are many ways to politely end the conversation and return to your normal life.

Hang in there,

Annie

[PleaseValidate]

My BPDmo acts like that. She always has. I learned at a pretty young age to divulge as little as possible. She wasn't listening much anyways and if she was, it was only to find and exploit my faults.

The worst example I can remember was me dropping, and thus shattering, a ceramic project I'd been working on for over a month. I was riding my bike an hour each way to the studio to work on it.

I was obviously very disappointed, angry at self, and flooded w many emotions for me to bring it up at all. Desperately looking for love in all the wrong places. Her response?  "Well at least now you know what loss feels like." (! ?)

Umm... .yeah, because of course I did not experience even one loss in my 20 yrs of life before this incident! (?) I wasn't digging for much, a simple and succinct "I'm sorry that happened to you," would have more than sufficed. (Seriously, who says sht like this?)

I really think social skills training should be a standard form of treatment in BPD just like with the autism spectrum. Of course it would only be useful for those with enough insight and courage to acknowledge they have a disease.  

[fairly]

Thanks Please validate.  I have learned to not expect any type of emotional caring or response from her.  I don't tell her anything  that is really important to me.  If a friend treated me this way I could walk away but because we are sisters I can't.  But I have grown a lot in the last few years and feel so much stronger.

[HappyChappy]

How do all of you deal with the negative comments that never seem to end?

... .If a friend treated me this way I could walk away but because we are sisters I can't.

In my view - you don't owe your sister anything for being bload, you owe her for her actions and deeds.

I've been NC with my Nark Bro for 7 months. I used to have loads of feer obligation and guilt towards him, but through therapy I'm please to say, I don't think I will ever see him again. Won't even go to his funeral. To be treated like family, you must behave like family. Also his "sibling rivalry" was getting dangerous - he lost me a job, through elaborate lies to my boss. I learn't about love and loyalty from friends not family. I've known people a few weeks, that have done more for me than my N Bro has done in a life time. I forgive my Bro - just don't want to ever see him.

[fairly]

Happychapp,

The only reason I keep in contact is my dad.  I love and care about him and he lives with her.  After he has passed it will be a whole different ball game.  If/when she acts up I will click the phone off and not respond to her messages.  I feel I will have more control then.  Time will tell.

[ItsNotYou]

How do all of you deal with the negative comments that never seem to end?

Wow, deja vue particularly your sibling's passive aggressive snipes. I don't reveal anything at all to my uBPD sibling. Still she finds out things from relatives and turns those into negative digs and put downs, I suspect I only hear the tip of the iceberg in her character assassination of me to others. As others have said, preserve your sanity, don't engage, don't try to rationalize or explain because the ground will keep shifting, you will make no headway against the inconsistency. When it starts, perhaps time to say "Hey, look at the time, gotta go, thanks for the call, bye" and hang up. You ended on a positive note.

[fairly]

Itsnotyou,

Thanks for your comment, so well said.   I am getting better at not defending but just this morning my sister was making a snide comment about my dtr's bf and I found myself wanting to defend.  This behavior can wear a person out !

[ItsNotYou]

  just this morning my sister was making a snide comment about my dtr's bf and I found myself wanting to defend.  This behavior can wear a person out !

Thanks Fairly, your observation lit a bulb for me on what's been going on, the snide remarks come out of no-where. That's what my sibling does, snide remarks, disparaging remarks, put downs of things of anything remotely connected to me. It's no concern of hers yet she takes the energy to make a negative comment. If I give something to someone, I'll hear her say "that thing is no good, it's cheap and doesn't work, he wasted his money getting it to you". My head spins trying to figure the linkages on where that comment came from, for most normal people, there is a progression of thinking linking one idea to the next. But with BPD's it seems so random like they bought a mega-box of put downs and they come out in random order. From your observation I realized there is no logical train of thought.

What do people think of calling the BPD out on their snide remarks? Something like "Oh that's an interesting comment, dtr's bf is a really nice guy, everyone likes him, what did he do to you that you don't like him"? Is there any value in calling her out on the comment? The key is to let the hurtful remark fly by without it landing and going for the core of the comment. So stop defending but getting the BPD to elaborate. Anyone try this approach, stopping the normal patterns we fall into?

[fairly]

Itsnotyou,

You are so right about the Mega box of put downs !  I never know when they are going to come out and of course I am not prepared for them!  I have found when she starts in on me or my family that silence on the phone works.  I say nothing and then she will say " Are you there?"  And then I will say something like, I don't want to discuss whatever she is talking about.  I have hung up the phone and told her the convo is over, she doesn't like that! It runs a typical  pattern of her asking me , "Why don't you want to talk about that, why ? why ? why ?... ."  Crazy making for sure !

[ItsNotYou]

I have found when she starts in on me or my family that silence on the phone works.  I say nothing and then she will say " Are you there?" 

I have a similar strategy when she does the put downs face to face, I don't respond, I just look at her with a "really, are you serious?" look on my face. That seems to end it.

It's like always fighting to go upstream against a river, except in this case, even if you turn around 180 to take another tack, you discover the river has turned too and you're still facing upstream into the current with a new set of objections why something won't work. This is a magic river. Nothing satisfies my uBPD sibling, it's a constant battle to try and organize anything. I guess that's why the enabling DF concedes and just goes with the uBPD sibling because it's  easier. In my case, no one in authority over the uBPD has put her in her place when necessary.

[kindsoul]

I, too, have a uBPD sister who only knows one way communication. I have tried to communicate my need for her to balance the phone calls with some positive topics but to no avail. I felt obligated to be there for her while my mother was ill and dying and then for a couple of years after my mother passed. The calls got to be too much for me to take and now I rarely answer the phone when she calls. I can't take all of the negative talk. She takes anything I might say and has too many opinions (which are rarely correct or helpful) which I just can't tolerate. I have missed the last 3 family gatherings which makes me sad in a way because my brother (whom I do love and get along with) and his kids are people whom I do enjoy spending time with. I feel isolated and lonely in my family. I have a wonderful partner and great friends whom I consider my family, but I am still trying to figure out how to deal with my uBPD sister. I am 50 and she is 56. My therapist and I have been working on my coping skills, boundaries and triggers for the better part of the last few years. Not sure how to deal with her. This board often helps just to know that I'm not alone. It is really really hard though. Exhausting, really.