Prodigal Son with uBPD Wife Needs Advice

[ATLandon]

Hey folks. I primarily have posted on other boards (Undecided/Leaving) as most of my topics are relevant to my personal dealings with my uBPD wife but I'm working toward eventually divorcing her and want to quietly reconnect with my family in the meantime. Advice from parents and in-laws of BPD children would be most helpful at this point.

My uBPDw and I have been together for almost 9 years, though we just got married last year. I didn't really figure out the possibility of her having BPD until right after we got married last year. Also, I decided to get sober 6 months ago and that has helped me sort through a lot of the mess with my wife from over the years. Anyways, here's the background info. to my family: dirty south (American) based, Catholic-when-convenient, and hispanic family that lived in rural/suburban areas. Both of my parents are very smart and educated; mom is a registered nurse and dad as a Ph.D. in mechanical engineering. I believe my mom's mother had BPD and so my mom has some BPDish characteristics, though she is generally a very fun and open minded person. Dad is very uptight, quick to anger and socially conservative, though he has always claimed to be laid back and open minded. I also have two older sisters I have had issues with over the years as well but for now I would like to concentrate on my parents. It is easier for me to work on one or two relationships at a time.

I think our relationship started off in a classic way: supposedly my parents were never kind or friendly to my wife from the day they met her and my wife still won't let that go. Though there were a lot of private issues and evolving dynamics taking place in my family at that time and my parents' indifference toward my relationship with my wife had more to do with their issues with me on a very personal level. It would also help to include that at this time that I'm a transgender man (simply put, born female and now live as a man), although from my adolescence until two years ago I presented as a lesbian. My parents were not accepting of that aspect of my life and so they rarely liked any woman I dated because of that. I received a lot of discrimination from my parents and sisters over the years simply for their dislike for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people. However, my wife being BPD took their indifference toward her as a personal assault on her character. I tried a few times after that to bring my wife to family parties but she was always reclusive and wouldn't be bothered to introduce herself or go out of her way to talk to my family. Yet, she always says that they were the unfriendly ones. I never argued with her about it much because of her rages and didn't want to deal with it. I quit bringing her around my family after that.

Then, we moved in together after about 9 months of dating/knowing each other. Not my best move but it is what it is. Once we moved in together my wife had tabs all me all the time and made it difficult for my family to visit or for me to visit them (we live about 3 hours away). Every time I would leave to visit my family, which was about 3 times a year, my wife text and call me to know when I was going to be home, what I was doing, why was I not answering my phone immediately, etc. It became a nightmare to try to maintain a relationship with my family because both my parents would put down my relationship with my wife because of her controlling nature and then my wife would harass me just for spending time with them. I always felt like I was being caught in the middle of a bad situation.

Things were already rocky at this point but then my father and I had a falling out over taxes (he wanted to claim me on his taxes and take my return even though I was an adult living on my own). He cut me off and because I was so angry at him I ended up taking out my hurt feelings on my entire family. I think I was just so pissed off with all of them being so unsupportive of me in general over the years that this point was straw that broke the camel's back. I went no contact with my family for a couple years and lived miserably with my emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive wife. I told my oldest sister about my wife threatening to commit suicide when I tried to leave her and how I felt guilty/pressured to stay. I wouldn't be surprised if my sister told my mom about this at some point. I then went no contact with my sister because she hated my wife for what she was doing to me and I didn't want to hear the nasty things my sister said about my wife. I had never felt so isolated before in my entire life.

Both my parents and I had periods of reconciliation and peace in our relationship over the last 5 years but those times never last long. My wife always finds a way to meddle and somehow manipulate me into saying and doing things I'm ashamed of. Things were going really well between me and my parents up until a couple years ago. Then I disclosed to them that I was transgender and would be legally changing my name and starting testosterone that year. After that things went downhill again quickly. I told my family I was getting legally married last year and no one was happy about it and said they disapproved, yet when I told them we were having a private wedding without any family or friends they became all upset about not being invited. That didn't help our relationship, to say the least. My mom and I have just started exchanging e-mails recently but I haven't heard from my dad in over 2 and half years. They are still married. He just doesn't want to have communication with me.

I feel like I have messed things up so badly with my family that I will never be able to make it right. I know that I can never get back to how things were before my wife came into my life. I don't want it to, but I'm afraid my family will always resent me for what I've put them through. I'm not even sure where to begin. I have been thinking more and more about disclosing to my mom that I suspect my wife is BPD but I'm afraid of either burdening/scaring her with this information or she just flat out won't really care. I'd also like to tell my mom that I plan on divorcing my wife once I finish school but I'm also not sure how good of an idea this is since I haven't told my wife about my plans to divorce. God knows, I wish I had never met my wife and I wish life had a reset button!

Sorry this was so lengthy but I felt it was best to give details. Thanks for any advice you may have.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Landon!      

had to laugh at myself when you mentioned transgender - I have some cognitive stuff going on when I read due to a stroke some years back - so this was actually more of the mundane "whaaaaa?" type of cognition I bet you see too often -

To say the least... .you've got a whole lotta stuff going on. I feel for you, and want to send you a big hug and say... .if you're on the same roller coaster I seem to have been riding lately in life, hold on tight! things get so bumpy!

I mostly want to address where you say, "I'm afraid my family will always resent me for what I've put them through."

WHAT have you put them through? Yes your parents are intelligent folks very well educated and successful. They aren't suffering, they just don't act very nice all the time when you make choices in your personal life.  Your sister complicating things and turning narc - sort of a pile-on feeling I bet for you.

I am not transgender. I am not gay. I am just a good ol' divorced WASP-y yard lady who hears you really really pretty much apologizing for your existence and identity most of all. That saddens me. I can't imagine the ins and outs of choosing to pursue the hormonal steps it takes to cross over... .that has to be as nuts as it can get with your body morphing. Only comparison I could make is the pregnancies I had where you wonder when you get your real body back - yours waiting for you on other side of treatments.   Not entirely the same of course but as close as I can get to trying on your shoes for a minute.

What have you put them through?

Answer that for me, I haven't even started about your possibly BPD'd wife... .because I think you are struggling with things that go alot further back than her being in your life. And I don't mean your orientation/identity, I mean just being in your family like I was in mine - invisible maybe? always trying to please? blaming myself when other people weren't happy or got upset?

I meant please answer that for me sorry! geez... .51 yr-old cantankerous onerous me !    Congrats on your sobriety - that is so cool... .whatever you do, don't let anything take that away.  

I'm not a parent nor inlaw of a BPD child so I don't know if you want my thoughts or not. but rooting for you just the same.

[ATLandon]

I mostly want to address where you say, "I'm afraid my family will always resent me for what I've put them through."

WHAT have you put them through?

To answer that question, I let myself be manipulated/coerced by my wife into treating my family badly, ignoring them when they tried to reach out to me, didn't send Christmas or birthday presents some years, and was generally unpleasant to be around when I would visit. I really changed a lot for the worst after I met my wife.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hi again.   

I read over your initial post, Landon... .and there are all kinds of things jumping out about your family that have little or nothing to do with your wife. I am so sorry she has enflamed that situation, and has held onto alot of stuff. But based on what you first wrote, your mother's got control issues in my opinion, your father wanted to do something illegal taxwise and punished you for saying no - etc.

I hear you about feeling like you became someone you weren't due to your wife's influence or trying to pacify her. And you feel like your family lost out. But I am wondering how they acted like family towards you regularly - they seem to have left you high and dry as well.

But that might be my take on it. Punitive parenting is way too familiar to me. And where you can't win either way - they don't like the person you're marrying but don't let them know you're thinking of small wedding - then they feel left out - I get that.

I'm clueless how to advise you about your marriage and what's ahead... .I just think there are nuggets of stuff you need to excavate about your FOO in order to get a better grip on the stbxw.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Landon,

Most of us here have parents or siblings with BPD, though there are also quite a few people with BPD in-laws here. We do have some experience with broken family relationships, so maybe we will be able to help you a little bit.

I think I am hearing a lot of the same things as lucyhoneychurch in your post. You sound like someone who just longs to be loved and accepted by your family--and that is a need that was there long before your wife came into the picture. To me it sounds like now that you are feeling the pain of your relationship possibly coming to an end, you are still longing for that familial support and validation. I think that's a natural desire.

You sound worried that you will not be able to make things right with your family. That is possible, and it is also possible that you will be able to restore some of those relationships. It will depend on both you and them. What would it be like to take responsibility for your choices and behavior in your relationships with your family, beyond just "I let myself be manipulated." Can you own your feelings and actions, and make amends where necessary? What would that look like in your situation?

You mention you are thinking about telling your mother your wife may have BPD. What would be your reasons for doing this--what are you hoping to achieve?

Do you currently have a therapist you can talk to for support with your relationships? That can really help a lot, too.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[ATLandon]

... .What would it be like to take responsibility for your choices and behavior in your relationships with your family, beyond just "I let myself be manipulated." Can you own your feelings and actions, and make amends where necessary? What would that look like in your situation?

You mention you are thinking about telling your mother your wife may have BPD. What would be your reasons for doing this--what are you hoping to achieve?

Do you currently have a therapist you can talk to for support with your relationships? That can really help a lot, too.

I'm at the point where I am confronting my truths and being accountable for my past behavior. In fact, its very easy for me to be amendable to owning up to my wrong doings and going out of my way to make things right with others. This is probably something I need to start working on in AA with a sponsor to get a better handle on making amends. I'm honestly not sure what it would look or sound like at this point in my life because I have tried making amends before with my family only to get in another fight with them and for long periods of silence. I think my family is tired of this and probably won't take my apologies too seriously at this point.

My reasoning for telling my mother about my wife possibly having BPD is that since she is nurse and has some experience with mental health, this may give her a much better understanding of what I have been dealing with for the past decade and to help understand my explanation of why it has been so hard for me to maintain close interpersonal relationships while with my wife. I neither want nor need anyone's sympathy on this front, but rather just an actual person I can trust that will actually understand the situation. I quit trying to explain BPD related issues with my wife to friends simply because they just don't understand how difficult and deeply rooted the issues are with people with BPD. I just need a little empathy.

I do have a therapist that I have been seeing for years but she is very expensive and my income is very small at this point in my life. I have worked through marital and family issues with her for years now and she has helped tremendously but I really cannot afford to see her regularly these days.

P.F. and Lucy, you're both right about existing issues on my end concerned with acceptance and always trying to be the peace-keeper. I grew up in a loud, high conflict household and often found myself caretaking for my mom and oldest sister (both with BPD traits) when they should have been taking care of my needs as a developing and easily influenced adolescent. My oldest sister ran away from home when she was 14 (I was 5 at the time) and stayed away for years while living (and being abused) by older men. My parents were always worried about finding her and when they did find my sister, trying to get her help, get her to graduate high school, etc. I didn't really understand everything completely. I just missed my oldest sister and clinged/deeply bonded to her when she finally came home for good when I was 14. She often took advantage of my adoration of her. My parents often left her to parent me since they went back to working full-time and caring for my grandparents. So... .yeah, I often felt very emotionally neglected and invisible growing up, though I only realized that until recent years. I think that's been a huge part of our conflict as a family; they feel I should have always been around to take care of them and put my life on hold.

[P.F.Change]

My reasoning for telling my mother about my wife possibly having BPD is that since she is nurse and has some experience with mental health, this may give her a much better understanding of what I have been dealing with for the past decade and to help understand my explanation of why it has been so hard for me to maintain close interpersonal relationships while with my wife.

What I hear is that you would like to feel validated and understood. Has your mother been able to help you feel understood in the past? It sounds like maybe not:

So... .yeah, I often felt very emotionally neglected and invisible growing up, though I only realized that until recent years.