Please excuse pity party - I will move on from this

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This most recent turn with my sister has really left me feeling quite discouraged.  I am trying to focus on the positive things in life.  I have such a small family and such little family support and the upcoming holiday is killing me.    My sister is giving me the silent treatment.  She is BPD.   There is a lot going on with her that I have no control over.  I keep "stepping up" and "being positive" and "taking the higher ground" and she still is hell bent on hating me.   So I can't do that anymore.  I realize now "stop trying".    My kids are with their dad thru Sunday and my husband has to work the whole July 4th weekend and I have to stop looking at all the facebook pics of family cookouts and parties becuz I have no family left. 

Funny as this isn't about facebook or NOW.   This feeling on "lonely" goes back to when I was 12.  My mom suffered from anxiety and depression (untreated) and my dad pretended and wasn't around a whole lot.    I was emotionally abandoned at age 12. No, I wasn't beaten, hit, smacked around.    I was just left in my room with basically no person giving a crap about me.    I made up my mind then that I was going to do everything in my power to become independent.   Babysat, saved for car,  got job,  went off to college at age 17 deciding I got robbed.  It always was so sad for me when my roomates talked to their family,  went home to spend weekends with family and I avoided going home and didn't get calls & basically no one really gave a darn.     

During this time my sister who is considerably younger than me continued on at home.  Got all the material things she wanted but continues to hold a grudge with me because I didn't step up and be a "good big sister" to her during that time.  Apparently I was supposed to be her MOMMY becuz our mommy wasn't good at that.   BOTH of my siblings feel they were mistreated and that somehow I was the queen.  Both are emotionally troubled and can't function on their own.  My brother in his 40's and still living with aunty.    Has spent most of life "living off" someone else and jumping from job to job.   He is also delusional - delusions of grandeur and has difficulty forming relationships.   My sister is making terrible choices, drinking & popping pills and is the BPD person.   

When my daughter was born I had limited time off.  I went to my parents house to visit and my sister had broken off engagement and she was upset.  I wanted to check on her.   I found the bottle of pills.  It was empty.  Prescribed that day.   My dad was walking in the room with a TALL glass of vodka to give her.  I said to both my parents - what are you doing?   The pills are gone and you are giving her booze.   They did NOTHING.   I called her doctor.  Took her to ER.  Then to mental hospital for help.     

I got off my subject a little.   But that moment stands out for me.    But!   I just wish I could completely let go of the feeling of loneliness from those years.  They come back to haunt me.   Feelings of rejection & abandonment.   My husband took his two kids out tonight and mine are with their dad so I know that is triggering the response.  But I have to "get over this".   

Let's just put it out there:  I am very angry cause I feel "ripped off".   I didn't get a normal family.  I didn't get a nice family.  I started to stand on the outside looking in (mentally) to the disfunction.  Read books about anxiety/depression.    I would feel sad when all my friends in college would go HOME for the weekend when I stayed alone in the apartment.   I remember this.

I moved 4 years ago and have somewhat rebuilt a support system here but not quite like I have build over 10 years in my previous home town.  It took me many years to have the friends that would invite me for holidays & were like family.    So I am doing a bit of a pity party and will snap out of this and am in process of planning and looking forward to my time off with NO family parties.   Good things will come my way even if it's a painting project or a good movie.     I am thankful for what I have.

I just wish life was kinder in respects to giving me a family.  Family around me that were kind, had some ounce of sanity.  I got a call yesterday from my aunt that I was very close to all these years.  She is a support for me & helped me thru my teen years.   My mom passed over 10 years ago and it was painful to watch but I had my aunt and now am losing her.    She has dimmentia and called and left this sobbing message on my voice mail that shook me up.   I finally was able to call her today to see how she was doing.  I spent 4 hours with her sunday.  I try my best but I have a lot of responsibility as a single (remarried) mom.   I am just so busy between working full time and caring for my kids.   And my kids are growing up.   I get very upset becuz THEY have been my support system.  I love their company and I can depend on their love and I have to allow them to grow up.   Make their own lives.   Part of that kills me becuz for once I got unconditional love.   

I am praying now that tomorrow life will bring me good things.  That my future has more love in it.   My husband and I have been thru a lot blending our families the last 4 years and I managed to marry into a family with a BPD M.I.L. that has done a number on me.  I got thru it.  She made my move here terrible.  Did so many bad things to create drama and divides with my step children.  It has been bad.

I just want God to bring me some loving, kind people.  People that will respond to my kindness.   When I hug them and buy them a cake and gift and give them my heart they won't stab me in the back and become friends with my husbands x wife.   My BPD MIL did that.   

So my husband and I came together for a reason.  WE both have dysfunctional families but BOTH want love and peace and kindness in our lives.     

Too many lessons.     Too many difficult people in our lives.    Please send me a couple strong ones.

[funfunctional]

This most recent turn with my sister has really left me feeling quite discouraged.  I am trying to focus on the positive things in life.  I have such a small family and such little family support and the upcoming holiday is killing me.    My sister is giving me the silent treatment.  She is BPD.   There is a lot going on with her that I have no control over.  I keep "stepping up" and "being positive" and "taking the higher ground" and she still is hell bent on hating me.   So I can't do that anymore.  I realize now "stop trying".    My kids are with their dad thru Sunday and my husband has to work the whole July 4th weekend and I have to stop looking at all the facebook pics of family cookouts and parties becuz I have no family left. 

Funny as this isn't about facebook or NOW.   This feeling on "lonely" goes back to when I was 12.  My mom suffered from anxiety and depression (untreated) and my dad pretended and wasn't around a whole lot.    I was emotionally abandoned at age 12. No, I wasn't beaten, hit, smacked around.    I was just left in my room with basically no person giving a crap about me.    I made up my mind then that I was going to do everything in my power to become independent.   Babysat, saved for car,  got job,  went off to college at age 17 deciding I got robbed.  It always was so sad for me when my roomates talked to their family,  went home to spend weekends with family and I avoided going home and didn't get calls & basically no one really gave a darn.     

During this time my sister who is considerably younger than me continued on at home.  Got all the material things she wanted but continues to hold a grudge with me because I didn't step up and be a "good big sister" to her during that time.  Apparently I was supposed to be her MOMMY becuz our mommy wasn't good at that.   BOTH of my siblings feel they were mistreated and that somehow I was the queen.  Both are emotionally troubled and can't function on their own.  My brother in his 40's and still living with aunty.    Has spent most of life "living off" someone else and jumping from job to job.   He is also delusional - delusions of grandeur and has difficulty forming relationships.   My sister is making terrible choices, drinking & popping pills and is the BPD person.   

When my daughter was born I had limited time off.  I went to my parents house to visit and my sister had broken off engagement and she was upset.  I wanted to check on her.   I found the bottle of pills.  It was empty.  Prescribed that day.   My dad was walking in the room with a TALL glass of vodka to give her.  I said to both my parents - what are you doing?   The pills are gone and you are giving her booze.   They did NOTHING.   I called her doctor.  Took her to ER.  Then to mental hospital for help.     

I got off my subject a little.   But that moment stands out for me.    But!   I just wish I could completely let go of the feeling of loneliness from those years.  They come back to haunt me.   Feelings of rejection & abandonment.   My husband took his two kids out tonight and mine are with their dad so I know that is triggering the response.  But I have to "get over this".   

Let's just put it out there:  I am very angry cause I feel "ripped off".   I didn't get a normal family.  I didn't get a nice family.  I started to stand on the outside looking in (mentally) to the disfunction.  Read books about anxiety/depression.    I would feel sad when all my friends in college would go HOME for the weekend when I stayed alone in the apartment.   I remember this.

I moved 4 years ago and have somewhat rebuilt a support system here but not quite like I have build over 10 years in my previous home town.  It took me many years to have the friends that would invite me for holidays & were like family.    So I am doing a bit of a pity party and will snap out of this and am in process of planning and looking forward to my time off with NO family parties.   Good things will come my way even if it's a painting project or a good movie.     I am thankful for what I have.

I just wish life was kinder in respects to giving me a family.  Family around me that were kind, had some ounce of sanity.  I got a call yesterday from my aunt that I was very close to all these years.  She is a support for me & helped me thru my teen years.   My mom passed over 10 years ago and it was painful to watch but I had my aunt and now am losing her.    She has dimmentia and called and left this sobbing message on my voice mail that shook me up.   I finally was able to call her today to see how she was doing.  I spent 4 hours with her sunday.  I try my best but I have a lot of responsibility as a single (remarried) mom.   I am just so busy between working full time and caring for my kids.   And my kids are growing up.   I get very upset becuz THEY have been my support system.  I love their company and I can depend on their love and I have to allow them to grow up.   Make their own lives.   Part of that kills me becuz for once I got unconditional love.   

I am praying now that tomorrow life will bring me good things.  That my future has more love in it.   My husband and I have been thru a lot blending our families the last 4 years and I managed to marry into a family with a BPD M.I.L. that has done a number on me.  I got thru it.  She made my move here terrible.  Did so many bad things to create drama and divides with my step children.  It has been bad.

I just want God to bring me some loving, kind people.  People that will respond to my kindness.   When I hug them and buy them a cake and gift and give them my heart they won't stab me in the back and become friends with my husbands x wife.   My BPD MIL did that.   

So my husband and I came together for a reason.  WE both have dysfunctional families but BOTH want love and peace and kindness in our lives.     

Too many lessons.     Too many difficult people in our lives.    Please send me a couple strong ones.

[SomerledDottir]

Hey, Funfunctional:

Don't know if this helps at all, but you are not alone.  I was abused by my stepfather when I was a kid, and my mum finally got a divorce when I was 16.  The extended family stigmatized my mother for getting the divorce even when they found out stepdad had been molesting me.  Of course they always treated me and my mum like less than them because she had me out of wedlock.  Not a big deal today, maybe, but things were different in the 60's when I was born.

The crappy treatment didn't abate after the divorce.  I never went to college, had a career (although I've been at the same job for 17 years, not bad these days), nor did I get married or have kids.  This makes me a "nothing" in their eyes.  My one uncle at least treated my mum well until he got very sick with his heart.  He died in 2010.  At this point there was no one except my mum and me, and she began to be concerned that when she died, I would have no family to fall back on, and it really bothered her.

Enter uBPDsis a year ago.  I've told my story elsewhere and will dispense with it here.  Suffice it to say, things went well for eight months until they didn't, and then the full-blown BPD behavior: rage, lying, taking confidences, twisting them, and using them as weapons.  I am NC and for the first time, I am taking stock of how little love there's been, and how little there will be, unless I find a way to change things.  Like me.

I have no answers for you, but like you, i long for peace and quiet.  I've never had that, either.  Always either going through some crisis, or recovering from one.  Maybe the good stuff will come from peace and quiet?

[funfunctional]

Hi Somer,

Yes.   What I appreciate most is that you said something.  A lot of people read my post but you were the only one so far to respond.  I think it was LONG and that is a post killer  LOL    Often when I see someone doing too long of a post it is difficult to read thru the whole post.

I think what you are saying is as little as ME (I) may think may have for family there are people with LESS.     Perspective is so big in life.   I see my girlfriend who has almost as little family as you.  She has two kids, divorced and struggles but focuses on job and making the best of it.     I am actually a support for her.  Friends are wonderful.   It is not always easy to make those great friends you can call anytime to talk to.   

AND SO THANK YOU for responding and taking the time to read my post.   For both.     So we are not allowed to do the pity party dance unless we do it together.  ha ha ha    I really am learning to focus on each day, sometimes each moment.   Think I may take up the piano again- music heals.

I actually have a sister (BPD) AND a brother not talking to me right now.  My brother shut me out first and then my dad out next.  Been two years he shut my dad out.  When my sister would not comply with his request to shut both my dad and I out of her life - my brother stopped talking to her.  That's been almost 2 years now.    My sister hooked up with her criminal addiction supporting boyfriend again.    Hence - why she isn't talking to me.   She knows we don't approve.    Sad all these divisions.

Thank you!

[P.F.Change]

I just wish I could completely let go of the feeling of loneliness from those years.  They come back to haunt me.   Feelings of rejection & abandonment.   My husband took his two kids out tonight and mine are with their dad so I know that is triggering the response.  But I have to "get over this".   

It is good you are aware that the feelings you are feeling have to do with pain from your past. The current situation probably feels worse because that pain hasn't been resolved. I find it interesting that you are telling yourself to "get over" it, as if your feelings are not valid. Is that a message from your childhood also? Have you ever considered talking with a professional about ways to resolve your childhood pain? It really helped me a lot to do that.

Let's just put it out there:  I am very angry cause I feel "ripped off".   I didn't get a normal family.  I didn't get a nice family.  ... .

I just wish life was kinder in respects to giving me a family.  Family around me that were kind, had some ounce of sanity. 

I think we have all felt that way at some point. It does seem unfair at times. And I'm not going to say "get over it." I will say, though, that chewing on those feelings over and over--ruminating--has been proven to make people feel worse rather than better. It can help to focus on things that you can control instead, to look for solutions. Are there any ways you can take charge of your own happiness?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[funfunctional]

Thanks PF,

I do talk about things.   Funny because talking helps but doesn't necessarily remove the emotional connection/pain.   I suppose I could find a counselor to tell my childhood pain to. Maybe I WILL!   I guess I see adults in my family over age 60 still going on and on about their childhoods and I just cringe.   

As far as "getting over it".   That is ME talking.  I want to move beyond the feelings.   I want to so bad that I say to myself "get over it".   I have had to be tough about a lot of things in life.      But thank you for telling me it's okay to acknowledge and share my feelings.  I do appreciate that.

I do a lot of focus re-direction now.   I mentally have been working on that.  I have read a lot of self-help books and energy healing books and I practice energy healing.     It helps me.   

thank you!        soo much.

[deux soeurs]

funfunctional, yet another thing we have in common beside a sister with BPD.  I had a similar childhood of being alone.  I am the youngest and I don't blame mom and dad, they had their own problems with bad marriage, sick child and BPD daughter, but, I always described myself as being born alone... .Fast forward to adulthood and now, I do know what you mean about holidays and family.  I have spent a few alone after my divorce.  But I also learned not all the "so called happy families are happy"... .Is that good?  No.  Does that make your situation better?  Not really.  But in the past you created a support system of friends.  You can do this again!  You also have a husband and kids... .even if they are growing up.  You were dealt a poor hand in the "family" game, that is for sure, I am sorry... .I have been in therapy almost three years, since my divorce and it does help!  I read a lot of self help too.  Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud is a great start!  Oh, and those with the great big family support system will never understand what we, the one's without go through emotionally.  I do understand how you feel.  You seem extremely bright and strong.  I know things will get better for you with or without your family.  Thank you for sharing your story.

[SomerledDottir]

Hi, Funfunctional:

No, I wasn't thinking about perspective or that some have less, I was feeling your pain and your sense of being ripped off as far as love and family are concerned.

As a child and even now, the majority of TV shows I have watched are all those ones with big, happy families -- Eight Is Enough, The Waltons, Little House -- just looking for a little of that for myself.  I try to look out for my "work kids" like they were my own, and I have two friends at work approximately my age that are like a brother and sister to me.  They've had their own hard lives and dysfunctional FOO's, but when the worst with uBPDsis happened, they were there for me.  I'm lucky there.

And as I read your post, and now PF and Pink's, I thought about how when things with Sis blew up, it was like the final straw in a long list of disses from unloving and abusive relatives.  I asked myself, "What is wrong with me?  Why don't they love me?  Am I unloveable?"  It exposed to my consciousness a root of feelings of unworthiness that were very deep and painful.  I'm dealing with that now, but some of your statements made me feel like maybe you're going through some of the same things.  You WERE ripped off; that feeling is justified.  I looked at the fruits coming from those who treated me that way, though, and in many cases they're not good, so I conclude the problem isn't me, it's them.  That root is still there, though; it's gonna take time to dig it out.  I don't know if any of this is resonating with you, but I do think PF and Pink's advice is right on.  Glad to hear you have your own healing modalities as well.  You hang in there!

[funfunctional]

Thank you again Pink.  Your post was very comforting.   I am happy I have new hubby and kids.  The divorce was hard.  I was alone for maybe 10 months before I met my husband now and we started talking on EHarmony and then dating.  I feel lucky to have him.    Thanks for the book referral.

You are right!  No One with a big family or even a moderate sized one understands what it is like to NOT have a family support system.

((hugs))

We do have a lot in common. 

[funfunctional]

Oh yes Somerled.   Definitely what you wrote is resonating with me.   I had those same feelings "what was wrong with me?"  "maybe I need to be more loving & kind to them".    Then I realized it is really not me.  I am a good person.  I think you see that now too.

Sometimes friends are the BEST and holidays are over-rated.   People like you, me, pink... .etc... .many of us here have to find out own family that is non-blood.     And I meant to tell Pink thank you for the vote of confidence in re-building a support system here.   I wish both of you the same.  More friends & love & good things.

The straw did break with my sis.   I realized I can't DO anymore.   She has to figure it out & change.

What wonderful helpful responses I got from everyone.   

[Torocat]

Sorry about your aunt. That is rough, I know. You are also not alone when it comes to having anger over the fact that our childhoods were robbed. In a very real sense our adulthoods are robbed as well.

Our job is to make peace with these facts and change the direction of our lives. I have chosen to get on an anti-anxiety/depression medication and see a therapist. Either that or Mother finally breaks me (something she's worked at for decades). I don't advocate meds for all, but I am sure I will need them while she is still on this earth. Unfortunately I have to have contact with her, to help her as she is in ill health. Otherwise I'd have no contact with her.