Ignoring texts from lesbian ex's partner...

[sea_of_wounds]

My back story is so complicated... .too much to write in this space... .

But I keep getting texts from my ex's partner, wanting to know how I am, wanting to know why I am not responding to her texts.

I keep ignoring the texts, trying so hard to detach from this whole mess.  But I feel like such a jerk.  I hate ignoring kindness.  I feel like such a mean, insensitive person, but this partner has alternately sent me snide, manipulative texts, then really sweet, seemingly caring texts.  I never know what is behind this contact, and why she keeps trying to stay in touch.

So much more to this, but it would take forever to explain.

How do I stop feeling mean and cold for ignoring these texts?  I am not used to being this way at all---I always respond to people, always want to reach out when someone is kind.

But if I respond, I am just staying in the damaging cycle with both B and her partner---and I need to heal.  I need to heal and feel ok not offering an explanation about why I am out of touch.

I know it seems sudden on my part, but I had to just cut contact for my own sanity.

I tried in February to say "I am going to be out of touch for awhile.  I will be in touch when I can"  But that just got me a barrage of questions from the partner, asking me why I was doing this, etc.  And it was too much to take.  This time, I had to just disappear.  Both B and her partner used to come at me from both sides--so much manipulation and guilt-tripping---I can't even begin to explain it all here.

Just needing to know if it is ok that I did this so abruptly, without really any explanation, and that it is ok to keep ignoring these attempts at contact, even though they seems so sincere, so warm and concerned... .:'( :'( :'(

[Tolou]

Sea... .

I see it in different way, eventhough you are not repsonding to the texts, that it is your response, and says all it needs to say.  The fact the person keeps texting shows they do not care for your boundaries, only their own motivations out of getting what they want from you.  Sometimes, doing the what is best for you may not seem right, but that because we associate doing right things with "good" feelings, however, sometimes doing what's best doesn't always feel that way, so we associate that negative feeling with something "bad"... .Your doing what is best for you, if you are detaching and do not want to get tangled into webs, continue to ignore as you have been doing, there is a good reason you began ignoring, even though those intial reasons may not be as strong as they were, you will surely remember why when you get caught up again. Nothing wrong with doing whats right for you!

[Mutt]

I keep ignoring the texts, trying so hard to detach from this whole mess.  But I feel like such a jerk.  I hate ignoring kindness.  I feel like such a mean, insensitive person, but this partner has alternately sent me snide, manipulative texts, then really sweet, seemingly caring texts.  I never know what is behind this contact, and why she keeps trying to stay in touch.

Hi Sea,

I'm sorry that your struggling through this. We tend to worry about other persons needs if we're not used to setting boundaries. It takes time to get to that place where your comfortable with the and it becomes second nature. You have a right to not respond for your emotional healing and say nothing. It's also easier for someone else to understand where your line is by telling them. You could simply tell them, please don't message me and keep me in the loop. I'm doing well but I would like that the messages stop please. I need space and time alone for my wellbeing. It's a boundary and I would like that you respect it.

If they continue messaging after that, continue to stick to your boundary. There's no right or wrong here, but it's easier for the other person to understand if you tell them. They can't be expected to know. The texts should stop for you completely.

[trappedinlove]

I keep ignoring the texts, trying so hard to detach from this whole mess.  But I feel like such a jerk.  I hate ignoring kindness.  I feel like such a mean, insensitive person, but this partner has alternately sent me snide, manipulative texts, then really sweet, seemingly caring texts.  I never know what is behind this contact, and why she keeps trying to stay in touch.

Hi Sea,

I'm sorry that your struggling through this. We tend to worry about other persons needs if we're not used to setting boundaries. It takes time to get to that place where your comfortable with the and it becomes second nature. You have a right to not respond for your emotional healing and say nothing. It's also easier for someone else to understand where your line is by telling them. You could simply tell them, please don't message me and keep me in the loop. I'm doing well but I would like that the messages stop please. I need space and time alone for my wellbeing. It's a boundary and I would like that you respect it.

If they continue messaging after that, continue to stick to your boundary. There's no right or wrong here, but it's easier for the other person to understand if you tell them. They can't be expected to know. The texts should stop for you completely.

I'd like to second Mutt's advice.  I would do exactly that.

TIL

[Changingman]

How about changing® your number? I know you are talking about your feelings, but this is not acceptable. If you need some time to heal it is your right to take it. They are not being Nice or Good, they are stepping all over you. It's probably manipulation.

They will not 'give' you the time you must 'take' it.

It's yours.

Think of your future self and aim for that, people don't want other people to change, it reminds them that they haven't and you may turn into a ( gasp ) stronger, happier person who has their own needs.

[trappedinlove]

My back story is so complicated... .too much to write in this space... .

But I keep getting texts from my ex's partner, wanting to know how I am, wanting to know why I am not responding to her texts.

I keep ignoring the texts, trying so hard to detach from this whole mess.  But I feel like such a jerk.  I hate ignoring kindness.  I feel like such a mean, insensitive person, but this partner has alternately sent me snide, manipulative texts, then really sweet, seemingly caring texts.  I never know what is behind this contact, and why she keeps trying to stay in touch.

So much more to this, but it would take forever to explain.

How do I stop feeling mean and cold for ignoring these texts?  I am not used to being this way at all---I always respond to people, always want to reach out when someone is kind.

But if I respond, I am just staying in the damaging cycle with both B and her partner---and I need to heal.  I need to heal and feel ok not offering an explanation about why I am out of touch.

I know it seems sudden on my part, but I had to just cut contact for my own sanity.

I tried in February to say "I am going to be out of touch for awhile.  I will be in touch when I can"  But that just got me a barrage of questions from the partner, asking me why I was doing this, etc.  And it was too much to take.  This time, I had to just disappear.  Both B and her partner used to come at me from both sides--so much manipulation and guilt-tripping---I can't even begin to explain it all here.

Just needing to know if it is ok that I did this so abruptly, without really any explanation, and that it is ok to keep ignoring these attempts at contact, even though they seems so sincere, so warm and concerned... .:'( :'( :'(

It is certainly ok to cut your bonds abruptly if you feel that you have to do it for your own sake.

If you feel bad about not responding (I would certainly) I suggest you respond to the texts with an unemotional assertive "mantra" that you appreciate her concern but you need your space and it's not up for negotiation. Every time you reply you must demand that she does not contact you for the time being until you feel ready and you will let them know if and when this time will come.  Take ownership over the process!

If tge texts do not stop after that you can then escalate your response and ignore then block then change number without feeling bad about it as you played your part to its fullest.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Sea -

I would agree with the feedback presented here already and offer also this... .

We cannot take the things that people do at face value or give them the benefit of the doubt especially when they have proved that they are manipulative.  Ask yourself if you are really seeing things and people (especially your ex GF and her now partner) for what or who they really are as opposed to how you might like or hope them to be.  It has been difficult for me to change my mental concept of my exGF - but its finally changing.  I have to accept that she knows that she inflicts pain but she chooses to lie, manipulate, triangulate, use and abuse instead of trying to change herself because she doesnt want to do the work to change.  What you said it telling "they seem so sincere, so warm and concerned"  You wouldn't need to detach if they were truly those things, then you also wouldn't be in this situation either.

There are great women (and men) out there that treat other people with respect, loving-kindness and are honest.  These women are none of those things.  Take care of yourself first.

-Phoenix

[sea_of_wounds]

I am so appreciative of all of these responses--so much, more than I can even express right now.  So much wisdom here---life-saving.  I realise it is true---if the correspondence was loving, warm and kind, I would not feel the need to disconnect from it.  My gut is telling me that those nice, caring words are not authentic.  I have ignored my gut time and again for both of these women.  And I have paid a much too heavy price in the past.

What I value most about the responses here is the loud and clear message that it is ok to do what I need---I have been sublimating my needs for so long, it feels scary and foreign to finally decide I need to do what is best for me, and give myself the permission to do it.  And then not condemn myself for needing to protect myself.

Thank you all so much    I am reading these posts many times over, gaining a tremendous amount of comfort and strength from them... .