I broke NC except...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This doesn't have to be a "back to square one" moment if I don't make it so. Right?

I saw on Facebook that she was going to Florida where the guy she's seeing lives. And I lost it. There's a lot more to the story. But basically. I am hoping for support. If doesn't have to be a game changer. I can still continue my road to recovery. I dot want to feel I am all the way down the ladder all over again

Advice?

[JohnThorn]

This doesn't have to be a "back to square one" moment if I don't make it so. Right?

I saw on Facebook that she was going to Florida where the guy she's seeing lives. And I lost it. There's a lot more to the story. But basically. I am hoping for support. If doesn't have to be a game changer. I can still continue my road to recovery. I dot want to feel I am all the way down the ladder all over again

Advice?

[woodsposse]

Hi.

I dont know the entire back story of your r/s... .but dont beat yourself. Up too badly. Remember its a process not a switch. You are human and normal and in the bigger picture it happens.

Just know we all have good days and not so good days.

[Tausk]

Hey JT:

Take it easy and give yourself a break.  And breathe.  It hurts like hell. 

If it helps you at all,  we all look.  We search facebook for glimpses of our exes.  We all hope for some kind of connection because the pain of being abandoned and forgotten sucks!

It hurts like hell. 

But taking a peek is just that.  And our emotions are things to learn from.  Perhaps now you'll be able to close the door to any more suffering and stop looking. 

But regardless, know that we understand and care.  Just type facebook into the search engine and you'll see billions of hits on this website. 

Be well,

you're not alone. 

T

[christoff522]

This doesn't have to be a "back to square one" moment if I don't make it so. Right?

I saw on Facebook that she was going to Florida where the guy she's seeing lives. And I lost it. There's a lot more to the story. But basically. I am hoping for support. If doesn't have to be a game changer. I can still continue my road to recovery. I dot want to feel I am all the way down the ladder all over again

Advice?

Of couse not John, you can restart no contact any time. You just lost the plot, now you've regained your sanity. Just go NC once again.

[x1985x]

I know exactly how you feel. My ex has already dated/slept with at least two people in the two months we've been living separately. It really hurt to think about, even though I knew it was going to happen. Then, I started to think differently. Remember, you were first. They will not be experiencing anything that you haven't, nothing at all. I know how it feels to wonder if they will be happier or better in the next relationship. They won't. You have to know this, not think it, know it. Your ex, my ex, all of our ex's on this site, are toxic people who leave pain and suffering in their path.

We are all in this together, but beating yourself up with the wrong thoughts makes it worse. Let your mind think only TRUE thoughts, not fantasy. KNOW that they aren't right for you. KNOW that they will continue to hurt and belittle and lie. KNOW that you deserve better, that you won't find it with her.

You know the truth. Fixate on that! It will get easier.

[JohnThorn]

I KNOW she thinks about me.  She's constantly leaving clues on her facebook.  She called me on her birthday... .

What was the point of reading and not responding to me?

Also... .why can't I just move on?  I'm courting this other BEAUTIFUL girl. It's been months and months since I've been with my ex. I can't seem to move on though in my head, in my heart.  I seek therapy.  I attempt NC, but I still constantly gaze at her facebook.  Why am I hurting myself.  Why do I feel like she's worth this pain? I hate this feeling.  I feel like it will never end.  Like, I feel THIS is my life now. 

[woodsposse]

Good question.  Why are your hurting yourself do you suppose?

[LettingGo14]

Also... .why can't I just move on? 

I can't seem to move on though in my head, in my heart.  I seek therapy.  I attempt NC, but I still constantly gaze at her facebook. 

Why am I hurting myself.  Why do I feel like she's worth this pain? I hate this feeling.  I feel like it will never end.  Like, I feel THIS is my life now. 

I'm going to give you the conclusion I reached for myself.  I don't know if it will resonate with you, but I have a sense of why I remained stuck for so long.  My relationship with my ex-girlfriend has become my personal zen koan [with a koan defined as, "a paradoxical anecdote or riddle to be meditated on to achieve enlightenment."]

I met my ex-girlfriend after divorce.  Immediately, I felt a "connection" with her and  suddenly, after a difficult marriage, I felt myself validated in ways I had not previously.  [The impact of "mirroring" and "projection" is clear to me know.  In the early days I felt a surge of "self" and a huge relief, even going so far as to call her my soul mate.  Even if she "mirrored" me, I definitely "projected" my deepest yearnings for love onto her and our relationship]. 

I created a garden of eden in my heart and mind.

It was not sustainable.  The red flags were everywhere.  It's amazing to me now, in retrospect, how much the stories we tell seem similar.

In the end, all I became was a trigger for her.   Other people have described the disordered thinking more articulately than I can, but it boils down to the fact that she was triggered by me.  Period.

So she abandoned.

And I was devastated emotionally.

It scratched my primal "abandonment anxiety" and I had to face it.   I started to wonder how and why do we "identify" with certain objects, people, and ideas and not others?  How do we attach more meaning to certain things than other things?

The end of my relationship left me facing a deep narcissistic injury.  Meaning, it was an injury to my sense of self.  I clung to her, even idealized her post-abandonment, because I did not want to give up that "self" I identified so closely with after divorce.

So, instead, I circled and re-circled my pain.  Because it gave me something to cling to.

In the end, I realized I was attached and enmeshed to another person because I assigned her such deep meaning.   When I became willing to sit with myself, and when I learned to self-soothe, I started to have minor epiphanies.   The main epiphany has been that I can let go of her and be okay.  That all answers are within me.

[enlighten me]

I believe there are a number of reasons we find it so difficult to let go.

Firstly they mirrored us. We found what we thought was our soulmate. They had the same dreams, values, beliefs as us. Letting go of them feels like trying to let go of yourself. In actual fact who she portrayed was you.

Because of the mirroring and our own foolish pride we ignored the red flags. We wouldn't do that so therefore they wouldn't. Finding out that they have lied and cheated feels like a personal attack because you where wrong. You were totally taken in. A bit like when someone wont report a crime when they've been swindled because they don't want to look stupid.

We also don't think like them so their behaviour doesn't make sense. As it doesn't make sense we look for anything that is logical to us why this happened. We start to believe what they said about us. Start to question our role in it.

You need to remember they were not the person who you thought they were. Why waste your time on a total stranger.

[Tausk]

Also... .why can't I just move on? 

I can't seem to move on though in my head, in my heart.  I seek therapy.  I attempt NC, but I still constantly gaze at her facebook. 

Why am I hurting myself.  Why do I feel like she's worth this pain? I hate this feeling.  I feel like it will never end.  Like, I feel THIS is my life now. 

I'm going to give you the conclusion I reached for myself.  I don't know if it will resonate with you, but I have a sense of why I remained stuck for so long.  My relationship with my ex-girlfriend has become my personal zen koan [with a koan defined as, "a paradoxical anecdote or riddle to be meditated on to achieve enlightenment."]

I met my ex-girlfriend after divorce.  Immediately, I felt a "connection" with her and  suddenly, after a difficult marriage, I felt myself validated in ways I had not previously.  [The impact of "mirroring" and "projection" is clear to me know.  In the early days I felt a surge of "self" and a huge relief, even going so far as to call her my soul mate.  Even if she "mirrored" me, I definitely "projected" my deepest yearnings for love onto her and our relationship]. 

I created a garden of eden in my heart and mind.

It was not sustainable.  The red flags were everywhere.  It's amazing to me now, in retrospect, how much the stories we tell seem similar.

In the end, all I became was a trigger for her.   Other people have described the disordered thinking more articulately than I can, but it boils down to the fact that she was triggered by me.  Period.

So she abandoned.

And I was devastated emotionally.

It scratched my primal "abandonment anxiety" and I had to face it.   I started to wonder how and why do we "identify" with certain objects, people, and ideas and not others?  How do we attach more meaning to certain things than other things?

The end of my relationship left me facing a deep narcissistic injury.  Meaning, it was an injury to my sense of self.  I clung to her, even idealized her post-abandonment, because I did not want to give up that "self" I identified so closely with after divorce.

So, instead, I circled and re-circled my pain.  Because it gave me something to cling to.

In the end, I realized I was attached and enmeshed to another person because I assigned her such deep meaning.   When I became willing to sit with myself, and when I learned to self-soothe, I started to have minor epiphanies.   The main epiphany has been that I can let go of her and be okay.  That all answers are within me.

Thasnk you