she made me break nc

[coldboy]

hello brothers and sisters (and sorry for my english once again)

i broke up with my ex 9 months ago .Actually she broke with me with a text msg ( the day before she was telling me that she is not a good gf , neurotic , how good and patient that i am and that she loves me and doesn't want to loose me ).The next 4 months we kept normal contact and lc ( there was possible pregnancy).She was telling me that she loves me that she missed me but she is not ready to see me , that she will collapse in front me , that she feels extremely stressed when she has to meet me .And i was waiting like a fool .In our last conversation on February she told me that there is no reason to see me that we will have always something to say to each other .I asked her why she didn't let me to move on and she repplied because she is stupid and something wrong to her head that she was acting emotionally and was confused.At that time i didn't know anything about her disorders but i was suspecting ( she had changes of mood , fear of abbandonment , anger , low self esteem and no trust to me ).

I went 3 months nc and suddenly she reappeared in a forum that we both used and post (when we broke up she said that will never post there again ).It is the only media that we could meet each other and read the posts (we used to exchange hidden msgs and inside jokes and i know that she was controlling all my posts even after the break up).I have no facebook or other media and we have not friends in common.So she started posting again and indirectly blaming me and teasing me .So i broke nc just to say that what she is doing is disrespectfull for what we being through tha last 2 years that we have been together .She answered that she wasn't refering to me and that i am not the center of the world .We exchanged 60 e-mails in 5 days and most of them were just to hurt or blame me for everything ( self center , manipulated , liar etc etc !).She was remembering everything that would like to remember just to put blame on me and nothing else .She never answered my questions .She said that this r/s is over , that is not healthy , that we weren't meant to be together because our values don't match.That there is no reason to meet each other (i never asked this), that she is emotionally exhausted after all these and she is on  the process to move on .

I asked her if this is a reaction of a logical thinking person and she said no .That she knows that she is not healthy .That she went to a therapist and found out that she has PTSD(his ex tried to kill her cause she didn;t want to move with him in another country) and BPD tendencies .She didn't tell me  if she makes any therapy , she didn't want to tell me , just avoided to answer .She told me also that there is a guy interesting in her but they are only friends for many reasons and that after 3 months that they know each other is like the first 5-6 days of our friendship ( i never understood why she mentioned that , it was like to give me excuses why she is talking with another guy , i never asked to know if she has someone else or intend to see someone else).All that happened 1 month ago and we are back to nc .

I am happy that i discovered her disorders cause i understood everything that happened between us and her behaviour in and out the r/s.



My therapist said that she is willing to reappear , not necessary because she loves me but because she has a bond with me and she needs validation that i am still there.She said also that she is typical BPD and that she needs treatment.

Why these people never ask at least a sorry?why they want to put the blame to others?and why they are trying to hurt us ?(the funny thing is when we were in the r/s we broke up for 1 day and she send me an e-mail to apologise writing that she knows that she is self centered and very critical in front of me , that she knows that she is far from perfect , that she loves me and doesn't want to loose me and will never hurt me again  )

She never gave me silent treatment , she never blocked me anywhere (i know that she did these to his ex ),always repplied (after few min or hours also )to mails or texts.

[OutOfEgypt]

My therapist said that she is willing to reappear , not necessary because she loves me but because she has a bond with me and she needs validation that i am still there.She said also that she is typical BPD and that she needs treatment.

Why these people never ask at least a sorry?why they want to put the blame to others?and why they are trying to hurt us ?(the funny thing is when we were in the r/s we broke up for 1 day and she send me an e-mail to apologise writing that she knows that she is self centered and very critical in front of me , that she knows that she is far from perfect , that she loves me and doesn't want to loose me and will never hurt me again  )

Yes, I agree with your T.  My therapist puts it this way... .she's going to constantly be coming around to "check my pulse" to just make sure she has my heart on a string... .if not falling over in love with her, at least hating her.  Either way, she knows she still "has" me hanging on her.  That is their game... .to have people wrapped up into them.  My ex would have lucid moments where she would admit/realize that she is "self-centered" or "narcissistic" or "insatiable" or was afraid of losing me or even "a crappy mom", but those were few and far in between. 

But those momentary and lucid realizations aren't enough, and you know it.

That whole thing with mentioning other guys... .she's probably hoping you'll give her another chance, but if you don't she wants to at least make sure you are thinking about her all the time and wondering what's going on with her and this other guy and why she told you those things, etc.  My ex sometimes still tells me things that make me think, "Huh?  Why did she even tell me that?"

[coldboy]

My therapist said that she is willing to reappear , not necessary because she loves me but because she has a bond with me and she needs validation that i am still there.She said also that she is typical BPD and that she needs treatment.

Why these people never ask at least a sorry?why they want to put the blame to others?and why they are trying to hurt us ?(the funny thing is when we were in the r/s we broke up for 1 day and she send me an e-mail to apologise writing that she knows that she is self centered and very critical in front of me , that she knows that she is far from perfect , that she loves me and doesn't want to loose me and will never hurt me again  )

Yes, I agree with your T.  My therapist puts it this way... .she's going to constantly be coming around to "check my pulse" to just make sure she has my heart on a string... .if not falling over in love with her, at least hating her.  Either way, she knows she still "has" me hanging on her.  That is their game... .to have people wrapped up into them.  My ex would have lucid moments where she would admit/realize that she is "self-centered" or "narcissistic" or "insatiable" or was afraid of losing me or even "a crappy mom", but those were few and far in between. 

But those momentary and lucid realizations aren't enough, and you know it.

That whole thing with mentioning other guys... .she's probably hoping you'll give her another chance, but if you don't she wants to at least make sure you are thinking about her all the time and wondering what's going on with her and this other guy and why she told you those things, etc.  My ex sometimes still tells me things that make me think, "Huh?  Why did she even tell me that?"

Yes ,i see the point of our therapists , it is more than true.

The thing that i cannot understand in my case is that she was keeping contact for long time saying that she loves but she cannot face me to give a definite closure.So the time has passed and still avoiding to confront me .She was just hiding behind e-mails with anger.So when i went no contact for 3 months she reappeared in the only place that she could find me!I didn't know what she was doing and i was healing.I do not use social media , i never phoned or text her.Absolutely nothing.

So she came back there just to piss me off , just to say that she is moving on and that she is emotionally dettached from me .My T said that if she wouldn't care she would never reply to these e-mails , she spend time over them ( 5 days 30 mails).So i don't know if she wants a chance but she is acting like not.

You can never know my friend what they think and what they are feeling and how they will.It is the nature of the disorder i guess

[OutOfEgypt]

The thing that i cannot understand in my case is that she was keeping contact for long time saying that she loves but she cannot face me to give a definite closure.

That's a pretty keen observation, actually.  She doesn't want to give you closure.  Not really.  If she truly is BPD, they don't.  Closure means cutting the cord.  They don't want the cord cut unless it is on their terms, and even then those terms might be "but I want to cut my side but have you keep yours in tact".

She probably does love you... .at least in the way she knows how.  But that doesn't make her NOT destructive.  Love isn't enough to have a relationship with.  I used to think it was.  So yeah, she probably came back to just throw one more little dart.  They want to provoke reaction.  Reaction means "this person still cares about me."  If she actually saw YOU move on, it would probably kill her inside.

[Tausk]

Cold:   Keep reading and sharing.  It sucks.  It's confusing and it's painful.  But we understand. 

We are here.  You are not alone,

T

[coldboy]

The thing that i cannot understand in my case is that she was keeping contact for long time saying that she loves but she cannot face me to give a definite closure.

That's a pretty keen observation, actually.  She doesn't want to give you closure.  Not really.  If she truly is BPD, they don't.  Closure means cutting the cord.  They don't want the cord cut unless it is on their terms, and even then those terms might be "but I want to cut my side but have you keep yours in tact".

She probably does love you... .at least in the way she knows how.  But that doesn't make her NOT destructive.  Love isn't enough to have a relationship with.  I used to think it was.  So yeah, she probably came back to just throw one more little dart.  They want to provoke reaction.  Reaction means "this person still cares about me."  If she actually saw YOU move on, it would probably kill her inside.

you know Out , she told me exactly that after the breakup , that she never understood why 2 people that love each other have to break up but now she knows .She told me that she was feeling terrible pain every signle time that we broke up (2-3 times for 10-15 days in 2 years ) but she was feeling the same pain when we were together , in body and soul .And in some point i can understand also why she never wanted to confronte me face to face .Because she was fragile in front of me , she couldn't tell me bull___ looking to my eyes .So her choice was to hide behind the e-mails .I said her many times that she has nothing to affraid from me (his ex try to kill her during their break up ) that she shouldn't act like coward and she only said that acting like coward is just for survival .

They were all so much complicated to my head but now is more easier to understand knowing about her disorders .At that time i didn't know anything at all.

That's why i don't understand why she appeared again , no to talk with me but just to blame me about everything that went wrong on this r/s .Last time that we spoke 4 months ago before the nc , i told her that this was the last time that i will get in contact with her .And when i told her in the recent e-mails that we exchange that i respected all that i said , she said yes you respect it but you never said that you will never answer to me if you think that i provoke you (so i guess that she knew what she was doing).

[coldboy]

Cold:   Keep reading and sharing.  It sucks.  It's confusing and it's painful.  But we understand. 

We are here.  You are not alone,

T

thank you Tausk , your support give me strenght to this painfull situation .I feel the family here.

[Arminius]

Her ex tried to kill her? Really?

My uBPDxgf claimed that her ex tried to drown her. All BS. Total fabrication designed to elicit pity and support form the new target... at that time ME. Now she's saying total BS about me...

[coldboy]

Her ex tried to kill her? Really?

My uBPDxgf claimed that her ex tried to drown her. All BS. Total fabrication designed to elicit pity and support form the new target... at that time ME. Now she's saying total BS about me...

unfortunately in her case was true .His ex was the best friend of his brother and he confirmed me the story ( and that's where is coming her PTSD ).She lost also her father in the tender age of 9 and she grew up with her mother in a very closed society (Start of the BPD -she was telling me always the story when his dying father wanted to embrace her for the last time and she got affraid of him ).She had a lot of issues when i met her ( shy , difficult to aproach people of the opposite sex , fear of intimacy , difficulcy to express her feelings ) and that was the reason that i felt for her .She played the victim  and tried to manipulated me in other cases .I saw the confusion in her and the fear of abbandonment when we were very very closed .Many times she asked me if i love her really so much or if i play games with her .Many times she asked me why i stay with her with anger because she was believing that i consider her ugly ( and was never true ),Other times she said that she is so confused and she believed that i will abbandon her and she will be devastated .

I thought that she had low self esteem and some bipolar tendencies .Instead of that i only recently discovered that she has PTSD and BPD tendencies .And this fragile loving girl has return to a cold cruel crature just because she couldn't face her fears .Something like Anakin Skywalker becoming Darth Vader in the revenge of the sith .All happened in the name of love .Sometimes good intentions bringing terrible results.

Very sad story.

[Arminius]

I didn't mean to offend as I'm sorry her story is true. It's horrible. My uBPDxgf though? Total liar and manipulator of truth. And that's why I question anything a BPD says

[coldboy]

I didn't mean to offend as I'm sorry her story is true. It's horrible. My uBPDxgf though? Total liar and manipulator of truth. And that's why I question anything a BPD says

You didn't offend me , don't need to ask sorry .I am coerent with the fact of lying by BPD people ,  in many occasions  she did it to me too.But Unfortunately these stories were true.