Six Years Since My Last Post - I Survived Read My Story And Learn From It

[Numbnut]

It has been six years since my last post.  Search my posts . . . You can find my story starting here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=46045.0

First, this support group saved my life and my career.  I learned about what is called the "universality of the BPD experience," which simply refers to the fact that what you are going through in your relationship right now, thinking that you are alone, it's your fault, there must be something that you can do better, etc., is virtually the same thing that we have all gone through, often right down to the exact phrases that your BPD uses to emotionally manipulate you.  I am smart, well-educated, handsome, well-liked and a successful attorney.  I went through what you are going through . . . for almost four years. I read, I posted, I saw shrinks, I talked to my friends, I tried to work on things . . . Guess what (and this is the harsh reality)?  No matter what you do, it will never change.  Looking back on what I went through, I can't even believe it.  It truly is a "fog" that you are living in.  Staying or leaving?  LEAVE NOW while you can still think rationally about it (if you can) and are not in jail and still have a career.  Seriously.  As my shrink first said after session no. 2 of couples therapy, give her $5,000 and run, don't walk, in the opposite direction.  I wish I had listened!  Read as many posts as you want.  You are going to see that your BPD is not going to change.  You deserve happiness.  You deserve peace in your life.  You deserve to be able to relax around your significant other.  You will not have any of those things in your current BPD relationship.

I am a BPD relationship survivor.  I made it out and it was tough.  Friends stayed with me to stop her from coming to the house, they answered the phone for me, they picked up my mail, just in case she tried to write.  I changed my telephone numbers, I blocked her email addresses. NO CONTACT.  Don't even listen to the voicemails, read the texts, etc.  Use blocking software.  And life slowly became wonderful.  I was happy. I no longer worried.  Then I actually got into a functional relationship with a woman that I had originally been introduced to by my BPD and with whom I had been best friends with for years and who ended up getting divorced a couple of years after I went NC.  I married her.  We are perfect together.  We have not even raised our voices to each other in four years!  Every day we both smile, laugh, and love each other. We never argue. We always have fun together. There is no stress.  It is bliss.  We are happy. Life is as good as it can be.  THAT, my friends, is what each of you deserve.  I wish you to have it.  You DESERVE to have it. You are NOT going to have any chance of having what I have if you choose to stay in the relationship.  Please, read my story.  See how it fits your own experience.  And if what I went though, as chronicled here, saves even one of you, or gives one of you the courage or strength to leave and join me as a successful survivor, I will have returned the favor that I received from so many of the wonderful people I found here, people who took the time to listen to my crazy, unbelievably insane stories (I think the "jumping off a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean when I refused to marry her" story is an astounding classic, LOL!), and tell me that it wasn't my fault, I wasn't doing anything wrong, that I had to leave, that being alone is better than being with a crazy person.  Without you all, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I am a BPD relationship survivor, and my story is proof that if I can do it, you can too.

[enlighten me]

Hi Numbnut.

Nice post thank you. I too have survived a BPD relationship. I didn't know at the time about BPD but we went to couples therapy and had a little chat. My ex wife went a few times then stopped all of a sudden. I then went to see the therapist on my own after the split and she asked me what I wanted. I said my wife back and she said the best thing I could do is forget about her. I now realise that she knew my ex wife had BPD and was warning me off.

I am happily over my ex wife. I can even spend time in her company and not want anything to do with her.

Unfortunately Ive just split with my gf who is uBPD. What Ive learnt from my past experience and from everyone on here is helping me through it and my healing process is going very well. Only 2 months since the split and Ive got past the anger stage.

One day I hope to find the happiness you have I just need to stop being such a BPD magnet 

[Numbnut]

Congratulations on both counts!  I am particularly impressed that you are capable of spending time with your ex and not get sucked back into the insanity.  I can do that now (although I would never want to bring that negativity back into my life), but only because of where I am.  You are not a "BPD magnet."  You are most likely what I call a "compulsive helper," someone with a big heart, that likes to help people, and can see the good in people, even if buried underneath some layers of stuff.  You are (as I was) particularly suited for a BPD to latch onto, and often they are particularly vivacious and enchanting at first, so you can easily overlook the warning signs.  I think that with two BPD relationships behind you, you can start spotting them -- that seems to be the key.  Just don't ignore your gut, and get out as soon as you see the warning signs.  Ironically, after my break-up, I met a clinical psychologist and we started dating.  We talked about my experience, and she said that clinical psychologists can spot BPDs a mile away -- as soon as they walk in the door!  My shrink said the same.  So, can you stop being attracted to a BPD?  Probably not.  But you can recognize the warning signs and this time, pay attention to them!    Good luck, and things get easier!

[peiper]

I guess I like being the guy on the white horse, it just sucks how fast that horse turne black.

[Numbnut]

I guess I like being the guy on the white horse, it just sucks how fast that horse turne black.

Join the club!  I definitely loved being that knight in shining armor, saving the damsel in distress.  And there lies the problem!  It's OK to be a knight, just win a fair lady's hand.  Leave rescuing the damsel in distress for another knight! 

[peiper]

I guess I like being the guy on the white horse, it just sucks how fast that horse turne black.

Join the club!  I definitely loved being that knight in shining armor, saving the damsel in distress.  And there lies the problem!  It's OK to be a knight, just win a fair lady's hand.  Leave rescuing the damsel in distress for another knight! 

no there  lays the problem, she wasnt such the fair lady

[peiper]

Reminds me of the old joke, thats no lady, shes my wife. Which is sad.

[half-life]

Thank you for returning It is so inspiring to hear there is life after BPD. I'm losing faith in humanity after endless failure to fix thing. I just need to hear that normal and loving relationship actually exist.

[enlighten me]

Hi Numbnut

Yes I am a compulsive helper. My friends have even said to me that I need to be more selfish. I realise that theres probably some underlying child hood cause to this. At the end of the day though I can say no to people when they start to take advantage but it is so much harder when BPD is involved.

The fact that I want to help has made me the go to guy in my work. I have been told by my bosses that I am indispensable and the fact that I go that extra mile to help has led to me being chosen over others for key projects. So in a way even though I know that I am kind of being taken advantage of it works in my favour.

Your comment about people being able to spot a person with BPD a mile off interests me. Was there anything in particular that was said? Its funny as I looked at some pictures of my ex yesterday and I noticed her imperfections. They were no longer endearing but made me wonder why I thought she was beautiful. It was almost like a spell had been lifted and the wicked witch was revealed.

[Changingman]

Hey Numbnut,

A great post, hope and wisdom for everyone.

My xmother in law said to me after 14 years and 2 kids with her daughter... .it'll get better after the menopause! wow, just keep being with her till death. Now that's manipulation.

After when it was obvious I had 'had it', and a couple of years had passed, her daughter finally found a new victim ( I've met his mother, yes she is one, ) and moved him and his kids in  ... .

xMIL said to me... .'this is a much better relationship, she learned a lot when you left'. She said this in a sweet voice but I knew what she meant.

My kids, and his kids have to hear my xW shouting at him constantly, he disappears often to the country for a week to get some peace from her.

Change?

When I realised my last RS was the same but different I found out about BPD, I read about it in relation to alcoholism, then the rest started ringing bells with my xwife. She shops instead of drinking, she is not hypersexual, but uses it as punishment and reward.

But the main thing I realised was the idealisation/devaluation cycle my X did with everyone... ."She is my soulmate", "He is so amazing" to "They've let me down", "they aren't loyal". The recycles were too many to count.

My xGF was much more undercover about this but it was just as strong I realised.

This inability to love is a key element to accept, drifting from one shallow attachment to the next... .building it up, tearing it down.

My son said of his mother... "she's a b___ and hasn't got any friends".

Not nice, but how can I deny what he knows/feels to be true.

For me I cannot be in a RS like this, it is to painful and damaging, you have to annihilate yourself to stay, they are like terminators, programmed for one mission. I'm nearly a full year out. Lord save me from crazy before I die.

[ldeora]

That's exactly where I am now. I'm out of the FOG since four years after a "relationship" of one year. I'm approaching 40, had two long-term relationships before (still friends with both) and wasn't prepared for what I experienced with the (u)BPDxgf. Now I'm in a relationship that is just... .normal.

[Numbnut]

Thank you for returning It is so inspiring to hear there is life after BPD. I'm losing faith in humanity after endless failure to fix thing. I just need to hear that normal and loving relationship actually exist.

That's why I came back . . . to let others know that normal and loving and lasting relationships do exist, and it is even possible for those of us that have been in one (or more) BPD relationships to break free of that cycle and find true happiness.  When I was in it and breaking up/reconciling/breaking up, I was not able to see what was possible outside of the insane asylum.  I never dreamed that I could have what I have.  Some of it is luck, but my wife (who knew my ex BPD very well) and I often marvel that perhaps it was what I went through in that relationship that actually prepared me for the real one that I have now had for the last 4 years! You just need to break the cycle, and leave that old stuff behind.  Then you will be ready.  And need I emphasize again the importance of hard core, strict, unwaivering NC? I would probably still be trying to get her out of my life if I hadn't done it! 

Lest any of you reading this think that I am a success story because my BPD "wasn't as bad as theirs" or I was somehow special, smarter, tougher, whatever, and that is how I came out on top, I again encourage you to read my story starting with the link above and you will see that I went through the same exact insanity (or more) that is the "universality of the BPD experience." When I read my old posts, its like reading a book about someone else.  Sure, I remember those things when I read about them, but now, I can't even make sense of why I put up with any of it.  You can be the same.   Good luck to all of you and best wishes on this INDEPENDENCE DAY!

[Numbnut]

That's exactly where I am now. I'm out of the FOG since four years after a "relationship" of one year. I'm approaching 40, had two long-term relationships before (still friends with both) and wasn't prepared for what I experienced with the (u)BPDxgf. Now I'm in a relationship that is just... .normal.

Odd isn't it?  I was a semi-prolific poster in those days because it was cathartic and people really paid attention to the craziness and tried to help.  Reading those old posts . . . shocking.  If you were posting, or kept a journal, check it out some day. It is empowering to see how far you have come!

[bewildered2]

hey numbnut,

i remember you well... .and i am glad that you got yourself out of the fog and back to kansas in one piece!

it is the ultimate mind f--k, isn't it? just like "the wizard of oz", where the good witch tells dorothy that she had always had the power within herself to go home, but that she needed to realize and discover that for herself in order to do so.

having good friends and family around you is wonderful, and it is important. these are the people who will reassure you that the problem is with the borderline in your life, that they won't change, and that it is best to get away and stay away from them. as a great friend of mine said to me, when i was stuck on my borderline gf, "she's broken beyond repair".

as for us and why we succumb to the charms of a borderline, yes, we are helpers, but maybe the issue is more complex than that... .i wonder if we "nons" are also a little bit too gullible... .or a tad too needy... .and perhaps too tolerant... .which would explain why we put up with their s--t?

after my experience 10 years ago with a "rock chick" style borderline, i recovered, and then enjoyed a great time for the next 7 years... .and then i met a "waif" style borderline. after a few weeks i suspected that she was a little bit "off", and the suspicion of BPD crept into my mind, but because it presented itself in a different way, and because she was very good at masking it with clever little lies and explanations (for her inconsistent behavior) i let it slide... .kept giving her the benefit of the doubt... .my friends were taken in too... .they thought she was sweet and innocent and i was "scarred and defensive"... .and the outcome was the same again... .i got hurt.

so, the moral of the story is... .even if it becomes easier to spot a borderline... .it might not be so easy to resist his/her charms the second time around... .because they are that good at playing their game... .and because i/we are too needy/gullible/tolerant... .

borderlines inflict pain. they are experts at it. and that is the warning sign that should not be ignored. 

healthy people do not intentionally hurt the people they love. and healthy people do not take the pain for too long.

as much as we analyze our borderline's atrocious behaviour, we should remember to be equally analytical when it comes to our own behaviour... .why we put up with it... .why we kept giving the borderline 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th... .chances... .the stories here are all the same... .lies... .cheating... .pain... .lack of ability to empathize... .selfish behaviour beyond belief... .inconsistencies... .sensitivity that is all one-way... .a desire and ability to hurt the one they say they love... .

your story is inspirational. thank you so much for sharing it with us.   

b2

[Numbnut]

Hey B2!Great to see that you are still active on here.  I remember we were struggling at about the same time . . . You were a little ahead of me as I recall!  I think that I will be on here more to help in this section, although I think that this thread pretty much sums up my advice, LOL!

the moral of the story is... .even if it becomes easier to spot a borderline... .it might not be so easy to resist his/her charms the second time around... .because they are that good at playing their game... .and because i/we are too needy/gullible/tolerant... .

I think that it is easier for others to spot a BPD coming, but maybe not so easy for us to do so.  Sorry you got sucked in for a second round!  I think for us, that initial burst of deep love, "instant connection," "you're my soulmate,"  "I want to be with you all the time,"  often "rockin' sex," fulfills something in us that we desire and perhaps didn't have in high school, when relationship concepts were forming.  I know that looking at myself, that was definitely true.  It's not that we are gullible, or "needy" per se, I think people like us resonate to the immediate message that is a BPD's stock in trade.  Sometimes those phrases may be true, but 95% of the time, they are simply the way that a BPD spins a spiderweb to ensare the next victim that will be able to satisfy whatever deep-seated needs and fears of abandonment have caused them to be the way that they are.  It's not generally malicious, I don't think . . . I think that it is all they know. "Malicious" implies some sort of consciousness about why they are doing things, and I think that BPD's generally lack that type of self-awareness.  Been covered many times, I'll bet, but if you met someone and

1.  that night or the next day they profess their undying love for you;

2.  You are their soulmate;

3.  The relationship seems to be moving at warp speed and maybe even suggesting moving in;

4.  appearing to be everything that you are looking for in a companion within the first week or two . . .

These are the early warning signs that she has BPD and it is time to back way off.  If the above are really true, backing off and taking some time will not do anything in a normal beginning relationship.  A BPD will never be able to handle the "backing off" because that is how you get sucked in.  Then, when the real unmistakable signs appear, you are already stuck in the web.  Then you need strength and experience to sever ties. Otherwise you will be in for the rollercoaster ride down.  I've been there and it ain't fun!  They are tricky and come in many forms at the beginning, but they all end end basically the same - the "universality of the BPD experience" is called that for a reason!  Glad you got out twice!

[charred]

Hey B2!Great to see that you are still active on here.  I remember we were struggling at about the same time . . . You were a little ahead of me as I recall!  I think that I will be on here more to help in this section, although I think that this thread pretty much sums up my advice, LOL!

the moral of the story is... .even if it becomes easier to spot a borderline... .it might not be so easy to resist his/her charms the second time around... .because they are that good at playing their game... .and because i/we are too needy/gullible/tolerant... .

I think that it is easier for others to spot a BPD coming, but maybe not so easy for us to do so.  Sorry you got sucked in for a second round!  I think for us, that initial burst of deep love, "instant connection," "you're my soulmate,"  "I want to be with you all the time,"  often "rockin' sex," fulfills something in us that we desire and perhaps didn't have in high school, when relationship concepts were forming.  I know that looking at myself, that was definitely true.  It's not that we are gullible, or "needy" per se, I think people like us resonate to the immediate message that is a BPD's stock in trade.  Sometimes those phrases may be true, but 95% of the time, they are simply the way that a BPD spins a spiderweb to ensare the next victim that will be able to satisfy whatever deep-seated needs and fears of abandonment have caused them to be the way that they are.  It's not generally malicious, I don't think . . . I think that it is all they know. "Malicious" implies some sort of consciousness about why they are doing things, and I think that BPD's generally lack that type of self-awareness.  Been covered many times, I'll bet, but if you met someone and

1.  that night or the next day they profess their undying love for you;

2.  You are their soulmate;

3.  The relationship seems to be moving at warp speed and maybe even suggesting moving in;

4.  appearing to be everything that you are looking for in a companion within the first week or two . . .

These are the early warning signs that she has BPD and it is time to back way off.  If the above are really true, backing off and taking some time will not do anything in a normal beginning relationship.  A BPD will never be able to handle the "backing off" because that is how you get sucked in.  Then, when the real unmistakable signs appear, you are already stuck in the web.  Then you need strength and experience to sever ties. Otherwise you will be in for the roller coaster ride down.  I've been there and it ain't fun!  They are tricky and come in many forms at the beginning, but they all end end basically the same - the "universality of the BPD experience" is called that for a reason!  Glad you got out twice!

I have survived two sets of go rounds with my pwBPD... spanning 30 years... and concur ...   life gets better.

Have a question for you, there is love (real love)... but I have not had the intense attraction and fireworks except in the PD r/s.

The very definitions of Romantic... include idealized and mystery and make it sound like the early ego driven fireworks are not real love... but is the attraction very strong? I have read lots of posts about having trouble with not being excited with normal (healthy) r/s and the sex and connection being bland after the intense but horrible BPD r/s.  Any encouraging words? So far I am doing better, head is okay... but its all pretty bland.

[Numbnut]

Charred, that's a tough one.  The BPD is adrenaline, and "normal" is a tough comparison.  All I can tell you is from my personal experience, and your mileage may vary, that yes, excitement, passion, a crazy sex life, are all possible in a "normal" relationship.  After four years of marriage, we have a great and frequent sex life, with fireworks. We have an active social life and go out to parties, and we love to do the same things and we make each other laugh all the time.  It is so much better, and then you throw in a deep love and respect for each other as people.  But one thing I can definitely say, is that companionship and friendship make the relationship over the long run.  The joy of doing things together, laughing together, watching TV together, etc.  .  . Those things are the foundation of a great relationship.  Often having that keeps the passion too.  Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, having a super-hot open-minded wife AND who is well-adjusted, smart and normal doesn't hurt either, LOL!  They are out there.  Just keep your eyes open for the warning signs. 

P.S.  No, she doesn't have a sister.

[Narellan]

Thankyou numbnut   truly an inspiring story and I'm so happy for you. I've been over 4 months NC and this week is the first week I haven't cried. At all! That's my success story. It's a slow road to recovery but I'm on it.

[Numbnut]

Hang in there.  It gets better.  I promise you.  And when you have some time, try to think about what exactly it is that you are crying about.  I know that break-ups are very hard, and especially hard when a BPD firmly has his/her hooks in you.  But really . . . Should you really cry because you are not being driven insane?  That is the sad, but harsh reality that I can say looking back on my posts, my journal and my own memories. I must have gone back for another round at least 4 times, but each time, the honeymoon was shorter and shorter, until I could finally get off the merry-go-round and rebuild my life and my career. Do the things that make YOU happy . . . reconnect with your friends that may have been driven away, post here and get support for your decision, anything but mourn the loss of a relationship that was doomed to drive you crazy.  I don't care who you are.  The fact that you are here means you deserve better!

[bewildered2]

hey numbnut,

don't worry... .the second one was not nearly as bad as the first... .but one thing did become painfully apparent... .and it was backed up by a conversation i had with a psychologist... .

borderlines are malicious... .in fact, they are deeply malicious. it is their express intent and desire to hurt that separates them from others with pd's such as npd.

both my rock chick and waif borderlines went out of their way to hurt people. they said that they want to make other people feel as badly as they do.

they know exactly what they are doing, and often plan every attack down to the tiniest detail. the lack of closure at the end of these relationships is just the final expression of that desire to hurt.

remember that borderlines are abusive. and the abuse they inflict is not accidental. we've all experienced and read about the cheating, lies, and overt flirting with the opposite sex that goes on in front of our very eyes... .an accident? i don't think so.

they know exactly what they are doing.

but remember, anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

best of luck to you, numbnut!

b2

[enlighten me]

Hi B2

I have to agree about the maliciousness. Ive also had 2 BPD relationships.

My ex wife was the waif type. Hardly any arguing but everthing else was there. She once told me that if she was ever annoyed with me she would pee in my bath. She did so many things that to me seemed spiteful that I couldn't work out what was going on. Most of this happened after the split and during the divorce.

My exgf on the other hand has yet to go as far. She has still done some horrible things but Im waiting for the backlash to happen.

Whilst I agree they do plan hurtful acts I don't think it is because theyre bad to the core. I think in their eyes its more revenge. You hurt me so Im going to hurt you. Unfortunately a lot of the time the hurt they think weve caused them is imagined or blown way out of proportion.

If you go onto a forum for BPD sufferers and have a read then you can see what I mean. Read one where the bf had mono, BPD thought that he had cheated on her and was ready to do all sorts of things. Only when other members had said it didn't have to be caught through kissing and that some of them had caught it before did she calm down.

[Forestaken]

It has been six years since my last post.  Search my posts . . . You can find my story starting here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=46045.0

First, this support group saved my life and my career.  I learned about what is called the "universality of the BPD experience," which simply refers to the fact that what you are going through in your relationship right now, thinking that you are alone, it's your fault, there must be something that you can do better, etc., is virtually the same thing that we have all gone through, often right down to the exact phrases that your BPD uses to emotionally manipulate you.  I am smart, well-educated, handsome, well-liked and a successful attorney.  I went through what you are going through .

Congratulations!

Let me echo you, These boards were my lifeline from 2004-2013.  I decided to divorce her in May 2012.  (Spent more time on the Law baords then).  Yes, there is life after a BPD r/s: A better one!

[charred]

Charred, that's a tough one.  The BPD is adrenaline, and "normal" is a tough comparison.  All I can tell you is from my personal experience, and your mileage may vary, that yes, excitement, passion, a crazy sex life, are all possible in a "normal" relationship.  After four years of marriage, we have a great and frequent sex life, with fireworks. We have an active social life and go out to parties, and we love to do the same things and we make each other laugh all the time.  It is so much better, and then you throw in a deep love and respect for each other as people.  But one thing I can definitely say, is that companionship and friendship make the relationship over the long run.  The joy of doing things together, laughing together, watching TV together, etc.  .  . Those things are the foundation of a great relationship.  Often having that keeps the passion too.  Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, having a super-hot open-minded wife AND who is well-adjusted, smart and normal doesn't hurt either, LOL!  They are out there.  Just keep your eyes open for the warning signs. 

P.S.  No, she doesn't have a sister.

Rats.

[lifechangingdecision]

Numbnut thank you so much for sharing your story and update! You have just given me hope that I so desperately need. I just joined this site. Married 10 years. Husband has BPD & BP. The past couple years have been hell. I lost myself, my confidence and my self esteem.  It not only effects me but our 2 boys which kills me. I am so unhappy, worn out and literally sick for the past couple months due to the long term chronic stress. I want to leave. So bad but havent found the strength to do so yet and it pisses me off. I feel so stupid and like what the heck is wrong with me. Why cant I just leave. I recently started seeing a therapist by myself and pray this will help give me the strength and courage to leave. I am so happy you found true love, laugh all the time and are in a healthy relationship :-) thank you so much for being an inspiration and giving others hope!  I wish you the best and a lifetime of love and happiness! ! You deserve it!

[ugghh]

Thank you!  I am less than six months out from the divorce finalization and still working toward full N/C, only held up by a child not yet 18 but will be turning soon.  I have blocked her phone and texts, but allow email as a form to communicate about the soon to be adult child.  And yes she has abused even that.  I keep coming here and working to make myself better each day.

As with both you and Forestaken, the board has been the lifeline that saved me and let me know that there is a better way.  But your post so beautifully summed up what we all deserve.  Thank you again for coming back to share.

[Samuel S.]

Not only am I so very happy for you and for your new life, I am also very envious. Yes, we nonBPDs have gone through the wringer over and over again without hardly any resolve and without hardly any peace. "Welcome to the BPD world" should be posted on their foreheads.

You stated to leave IF YOU CAN. Financially, I am very dependent on my BPDw. Yeah, I know you might think that is a way to rationalize staying; however, I am just about to turn 70. She still works and has good health benefits for the both of us. I have very limited health benefits without her, and the same certainly does apply to me in terms of cash on hand. I had played the lottery to see if I could win money; however, I haven't been successful, and I suppose I never will be. So, I have stopped.

In the meantime, I have done the counseling which is just a way to cope. Also, my BPDw comes across very strong, just like a bully, a selfish one at that. I just go into a shell. I become defensive saying I am sorry, etc., until she mellows somewhat, at least until the next time.

I don't know what to do.

[hattrick]

It has been six years since my last post.  Search my posts . . . You can find my story starting here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=46045.0

First, this support group saved my life and my career.  I learned about what is called the "universality of the BPD experience," which simply refers to the fact that what you are going through in your relationship right now, thinking that you are alone, it's your fault, there must be something that you can do better, etc., is virtually the same thing that we have all gone through, often right down to the exact phrases that your BPD uses to emotionally manipulate you.  I am smart, well-educated, handsome, well-liked and a successful attorney.  I went through what you are going through . . . for almost four years. I read, I posted, I saw shrinks, I talked to my friends, I tried to work on things . . . Guess what (and this is the harsh reality)?  No matter what you do, it will never change.  Looking back on what I went through, I can't even believe it.  It truly is a "fog" that you are living in.  Staying or leaving?  LEAVE NOW while you can still think rationally about it (if you can) and are not in jail and still have a career.  Seriously.  As my shrink first said after session no. 2 of couples therapy, give her $5,000 and run, don't walk, in the opposite direction.  I wish I had listened!  Read as many posts as you want.  You are going to see that your BPD is not going to change.  You deserve happiness.  You deserve peace in your life.  You deserve to be able to relax around your significant other.  You will not have any of those things in your current BPD relationship.

I am a BPD relationship survivor.  I made it out and it was tough.  Friends stayed with me to stop her from coming to the house, they answered the phone for me, they picked up my mail, just in case she tried to write.  I changed my telephone numbers, I blocked her email addresses. NO CONTACT.  Don't even listen to the voicemails, read the texts, etc.  Use blocking software.  And life slowly became wonderful.  I was happy. I no longer worried.  Then I actually got into a functional relationship with a woman that I had originally been introduced to by my BPD and with whom I had been best friends with for years and who ended up getting divorced a couple of years after I went NC.  I married her.  We are perfect together.  We have not even raised our voices to each other in four years!  Every day we both smile, laugh, and love each other. We never argue. We always have fun together. There is no stress.  It is bliss.  We are happy. Life is as good as it can be.  THAT, my friends, is what each of you deserve.  I wish you to have it.  You DESERVE to have it. You are NOT going to have any chance of having what I have if you choose to stay in the relationship.  Please, read my story.  See how it fits your own experience.  And if what I went though, as chronicled here, saves even one of you, or gives one of you the courage or strength to leave and join me as a successful survivor, I will have returned the favor that I received from so many of the wonderful people I found here, people who took the time to listen to my crazy, unbelievably insane stories (I think the "jumping off a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean when I refused to marry her" story is an astounding classic, LOL!), and tell me that it wasn't my fault, I wasn't doing anything wrong, that I had to leave, that being alone is better than being with a crazy person.  Without you all, I wouldn't be where I am today.

I am a BPD relationship survivor, and my story is proof that if I can do it, you can too.

numbnut, I don't mean to be a jerk and I'm glad you have found someone that makes you happy. But I was in a relationship with a woman for almost 6 years that was very much like you described. We never raised our voices at each other, barely disagreed on anything and when we did we talked it out in a matter of a few minutes. It was all love and happiness and good times for almost 6 years. Then one day out of the blue all the BPDness came out. She was a quiet borderline. She broke up with me out of the blue. Then I find out she had been lying and cheating on me. She had some red flags that only someone that knew what to look for would identify. Things like vilifying her ex-husband. Not having being able to keep any good friends for very long. And a social media addiction. Some others as well. For someone like me that throughout the last 6 years had no idea she was BPD, it was an even worse shock to my system. We seemed so in tune with each other. It was like the idealization phase lasted 6 years. Then bam she was gone. She turned into a totally different person in the flip of a switch. I just hope it doesn't keep me from being able to trust anyone else in the future. It may be hard for me to be able to give myself completely to another woman even if she is a sincere good person.

[Samuel S.]

Hattrick, I had a similar experience with my BPDw. She seemed so ideal for the first 5 years. Then, she became very manipulative and backstabber on top of it all. Before, she would degrade others for their negativity. Lo and behold, some 14 years later, she is being just as negative, if not worse. Now, I have been married to her for over 13 years. She has had a rough life with physical abuse and the death of her daughter and bad first marriage, and I empathize with her on those things. She has had counseling of one kind or another, but she still degrades others unjustifiably and has become extremely selfish.

All that being said, let's hope and pray that Numbnut's SO remains awesome. He nor the rest of us deserve to have negativity. All that all of us ever want is love. BPDs want it. We non BPDs want it. Yet, they do everything in their power to make it not so.

[Numbnut]

So, another year has gone by, and someone happened to write to me from the board and I logged in today.  I am pleased to report that married life is as good as it gets, and what I reported before is no different now.  Day in and day out, a perfect relationship, love, respect, great times and friendship, great sex, social life, and we still haven't raised our voices at each other or had an argument.  so 12 years of friendship, including 6 years of marriage . . . as i said at the beginning, if I can do it, you can do it!  I wish you all well! 

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks for your post Numbnut. I read your original post and some of the thread. I'm surprised you didn't turn tail and run when you got the response you did, so I'm particularly happy that you returned to share a little hope with us. I think your story indicates that it is not necessarily true that people who are in BPD relationships are as sick as their partners who have BPD. Yes, we all have problems, but BPD relationships dig out even the slightest weakness in us and bring it into full view. You have managed to find a person with whom you are compatible and I am truly happy for you. I worry that there is a little too much victim-blame going on around here. Yes, we all need to be responsible for our contribution, but I think this needs to be kept in perspective.

Thanks

Lifewriter x