I could not resist and sent him an email - need support

[SybilVane]

Hello people

As some of you already know, I think my BPD BF decided to break our relationship after I have declined an ultimatum to buy the tickets to go to his country in 2 days (I live in South America, he lives in Europe).

On the folowing day after the ultimatum, I sent him an email, telling him that Ive declined the ultimatum because I could not accept him to impose me this, but my mind hasnt changed and I could travel.

It was about 10 days ago. He never opened this email. I decided just to wait.

But today, I awoke very anxious and feeling bad. I've had nightmares since then, I almost can not sleep. I come to work only to try to keep my mind busy, but I can hardly concentrate on other things. Many times I feel phisically bad, I start to cry.

I know that in long-term is better to let him go, but as many of you, I really love my BPD parter and I want to make effort to make things go right.

Sending him a second email makes me feel ashamed. Someone on this forum told me that probably he is avoiding me because he felt abandoned since I declined his ultimatum. I thought a lot about this, and this is one of the reasons I sent this email today: to make him understand that I don't want to leave him.

But I think he decided to leave me 'before I leave him'.

I really need support. I am feeling so sad. Today has been especially hard for me. I just want this day to end. I think he will not answer me. I need to find some motivation to go on with my personal things... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[formflier]

Hello people

As some of you already know, I think my BPD BF decided to break our relationship after I have declined an ultimatum to buy the tickets to go to his country in 2 days (I live in South America, he lives in Europe).

On the folowing day after the ultimatum, I sent him an email, telling him that Ive declined the ultimatum because I could not accept him to impose me this, but my mind hasnt changed and I could travel.

It was about 10 days ago. He never opened this email. I decided just to wait.

But today, I awoke very anxious and feeling bad. I've had nightmares since then, I almost can not sleep. I come to work only to try to keep my mind busy, but I can hardly concentrate on other things. Many times I feel phisically bad, I start to cry.

I know that in long-term is better to let him go, but as many of you, I really love my BPD parter and I want to make effort to make things go right.

Sending him a second email makes me feel ashamed. Someone on this forum told me that probably he is avoiding me because he felt abandoned since I declined his ultimatum. I thought a lot about this, and this is one of the reasons I sent this email today: to make him understand that I don't want to leave him.

But I think he decided to leave me 'before I leave him'.

I really need support. I am feeling so sad. Today has been especially hard for me. I just want this day to end. I think he will not answer me. I need to find some motivation to go on with my personal things... .

Hang in there. 

One of my boundaries for me is that I don't do threats or ultimatums.  I just walk away.

Sounds like you did something similar.

So... .I think you did the right thing. 

[SybilVane]

Hello people

As some of you already know, I think my BPD BF decided to break our relationship after I have declined an ultimatum to buy the tickets to go to his country in 2 days (I live in South America, he lives in Europe).

On the folowing day after the ultimatum, I sent him an email, telling him that Ive declined the ultimatum because I could not accept him to impose me this, but my mind hasnt changed and I could travel.

It was about 10 days ago. He never opened this email. I decided just to wait.

But today, I awoke very anxious and feeling bad. I've had nightmares since then, I almost can not sleep. I come to work only to try to keep my mind busy, but I can hardly concentrate on other things. Many times I feel phisically bad, I start to cry.

I know that in long-term is better to let him go, but as many of you, I really love my BPD parter and I want to make effort to make things go right.

Sending him a second email makes me feel ashamed. Someone on this forum told me that probably he is avoiding me because he felt abandoned since I declined his ultimatum. I thought a lot about this, and this is one of the reasons I sent this email today: to make him understand that I don't want to leave him.

But I think he decided to leave me 'before I leave him'.

I really need support. I am feeling so sad. Today has been especially hard for me. I just want this day to end. I think he will not answer me. I need to find some motivation to go on with my personal things... .

Hang in there. 

One of my boundaries for me is that I don't do threats or ultimatums.  I just walk away.

Sounds like you did something similar.

So... .I think you did the right thing. 

Hello formflier,

Ahaah, wasnt you who considered one of my BPD 'sentences' to be the most bizarre in the other topic? ":)on't you see everytime I perceive you think I am a monster I have to pretend to be one?'


I know I did right about the ultimatum, but I think he really could not deal with this. My problem is that I still want to try. I simpy don't know what to do/say to show him that I still engaged. In fact, I think he does not care anymore, I don't know, I have this impression. I am almost sure he will keep the silence... .

[formflier]

Hello formflier,

Ahaah, wasnt you who considered one of my BPD 'sentences' to be the most bizarre in the other topic? ":)on't you see everytime I perceive you think I am a monster I have to pretend to be one?'


I know I did right about the ultimatum, but I think he really could not deal with this. My problem is that I still want to try. I simpy don't know what to do/say to show him that I still engaged. In fact, I think he does not care anymore, I don't know, I have this impression. I am almost sure he will keep the silence... .

One and the same... .you got me!

And yes... .I've heard a lot of good ones... .but that takes the cake.

Now... .on to your current situation.

Occasionally reaching is probably ok.  Remember... you can't force him to do anything... .

Make sure you keep the reach outs simple... ."hey... .can we meet for coffee and talk"

Don't admit to or apologize or say things " just to get him back".

If you do set up a meeting... .make sure you are rested... .have your boundaries clear in your head.  And if they get violated... .enforce boundaries.

I wish you the best on this.  It's obvious that you want to make the r/s work. 

Either way... .remember to focus on self care.  Focus on learning about healthy r/s.  Learn about healthy boundaries. 

[SybilVane]

Hello formflier,

It could be easier if I could invite him for a coffee, the problem is, as I said, I live in Brazil, he lives in France, the last discussion ensued in the ultimatum exactly because he thought I was taking time to buy the tickets to go to FR in August, and he thinks (as he said) if I really havent changed my mind regarding him, I should have motivation 'by myself' to buy the tickets. Anyway... .

Thanks for the support. I still feeling very anxious, but instead of checking my email every minute, I've decided to go out and meet some friends. I know tomorrow I won't be totally fine, but I'll do my best to keep myself busy (its the only way to stop thinking).

I guess there are 2 possibilities:

1) he will really disappear;

2) he will contcat me only in the end of July (since he knows I only can travel in August), only to be sure that I still available despite his torturing silence and to check if I can pay a small fortune regarding the tickets (nearest the day of the ticket, more expensive) only because of him.

Again, thanks for the support )

[stuckgirl]

so sorry you're feeling this way.

i know its extremely hard but do try and not wait for him to contact,it will strin your nerves.talk to a friend about whats going on,tell them how you feel and what happened,that could make you feel loads better,give you a clearer picture of things.

maybe he's giving you the silent treatment,my bf doesnt much,but sometimes its almost unbreakable.

[SybilVane]

so sorry you're feeling this way.

i know its extremely hard but do try and not wait for him to contact,it will strin your nerves.talk to a friend about whats going on,tell them how you feel and what happened,that could make you feel loads better,give you a clearer picture of things.

maybe he's giving you the silent treatment,my bf doesnt much,but sometimes its almost unbreakable.

Its not the first time he does this, but the fact it has more than 10 days is really really driving me to go mad.

I realized he has read my email (the last one, not the first) but no reply until now... .

Which was the maximum of time your BF acted like this regarding you?

[stuckgirl]

He did this for about 6 days at one time,before i contacted him and he replied with obsceneties,i sort of sensed the second time he was about to do it 'the day before his birthday' and i just knew he was doing it to create drama so i could have no means of contacting him and no means of wishing him his birthday,so he could feel sorry for himself later and blame me for forgetting his birthday,i wasnt about to be made to feel guilty about something like that for a whole year so (yes i know a bit of a cheap shot) told him i would call his mother and ask her if she could could contact him for me,then he would have the job of explaining to her why he wouldnt let me talk to him (for him it was because my phone had lost battery for an hour) he acted all victimised but picked the phone after this,im his fiance so i could sort of do that.

When ive been in your situation,in which he will not talk or reply for days i really just usually sit around stare at the wall,check my phone,keep checking it,obsessing over him and thinking what he must be doing.im sure your boyfriend is also punishing you like this and will come around when he thinks you have been punished enough,or are happier on your own,try to stay with friends,tell someone close to you this happened.im sure he'll come around,fingers crossed for you i guess.

I learned this that if i acted his silent treatment did not bother me,he would hesitate to silently treat me... .as mean as it sounds slowly take away all weapons that he can use to hurt you from him,try to be with people try to get him off your mind,and you will find this way you find more coping skills.

Boy but do i write a lot.

[Miss Topaz]

I understand where u are coming from. I am coming close to caving and messaging my boyfriend after he has told me 'it's over' but it has only been a few days. I'm awful at staying quiet when he goes 'no contact'. don't beat urself up too much u have done way better than me!

I understand the feeling of wanting to reach out and making sure it isn't over *hugs*

[itgirl]

Hang in there. If you read my posts from my early days it was the reason why I came to this board. I was dealing with silent treatment. Only difference to our story is that I bought her the plane tickets to come and visit and after I paid them she went complete silent on me. It lasted for more than 30 days. The first 10 days were the worst. After that I started focusing on just getting through one day at a time and focussing on myself. It worked.

She eventually broke her silence and now we live happily ever after.

There is hope and just know you did nothing wrong.