100% Detachment?

[AwakenedOne]

Is it possible to 100% detach from our BPD ex's? I'd say yes. Is this realistic in my opinion, I don't know.

Seems to me 99% is a more realistic goal. After living with someone 4 years and going through hell mostly and having good times partially seems that a person would have to be either a saint or a robot to crank it up to 100%?

Still, maybe 100% detachment allows for small moments here and there in life of having anger or pain about something related to our ex's and us? Maybe that's just being human? Detached but human.

I would be interested in others opinions on this.

Peace,

AO

[enlighten me]

I think it depends on your circumstances.

My uBPDexw and I have two sons together so I always have dealings with her. Emotionally though I think Im pretty much close to 100% detachment from her. Just realised she's getting married today and have no feelings about it. Obviously with the children involved there will always be occasions where she winds me up but I think that happens with all exs.

I am at a point of indifference when it comes to her. Just as long as the children are happy then I have no reason to concern myself with her.

[Mutt]

I think you've got a realistic number there AwakenedOne. There's still moments I think about my marriage. I think the difficult part is the two realities, mine and her disassociations of the r/s and marriage, I think that as time passes it gets easier, we detach 100% when we begin new r/s' from my experience. I can't see why it would be different if you had a disordered or non-disordered partner. But there is a certain emotional intensity that I can identify with my ex wife I never experienced with another woman.  Are you worried a little you're not going to fully detach from your ex-wife AO?

[Changingman]

Is it possible to 100% detach from our BPD ex's? I'd say yes. Is this realistic in my opinion, I don't know.

Seems to me 99% is a more realistic goal. After living with someone 4 years and going through hell mostly and having good times partially seems that a person would have to be either a saint or a robot to crank it up to 100%?

Still, maybe 100% detachment allows for small moments here and there in life of having anger or pain about something related to our ex's and us? Maybe that's just being human? Detached but human.

I would be interested in others opinions on this.

Peace,

AO

Yes, absolutely, no question. When the wounds are healed. I think about my xW never, they are actually very boring, when do you get to do what you enjoy? Not anything to hold on to but the hurt and anger for a while. Then that gets boring and drifts away.

I'm still working on my detachment and the issues it brought up, but I'm getting there.

The self work is it really, realising it's you and your life is the most important.

People are what they are, it's a hard lesson.

[Ventus2ct]

Typically what sort of time span are you boys and girls at to get to this "detachment stage"? Am just over 2 months NC and nowhere near where you guys are, still think far too much about her, still have hope every day (although I notice it is getting less)

I guess it's a process and this takes time, feel in a much better place than i did a month ago but nowhere near over it.

This "thinking about him or her" does it just eventually lessen every day until you go a day without thinking about her/him? As much as I have tried I still cannot help myself, despite thinking about all the negatives etc.

[enlighten me]

Typically what sort of time span are you boys and girls at to get to this "detachment stage"? Am just over 2 months NC and nowhere near where you guys are, still think far too much about her, still have hope every day (although I notice it is getting less)

I guess it's a process and this takes time, feel in a much better place than i did a month ago but nowhere near over it.

This "thinking about him or her" does it just eventually lessen every day until you go a day without thinking about her/him? As much as I have tried I still cannot help myself, despite thinking about all the negatives etc.

Its been 4 years since I split up with the ex wife. The detachment process took longer due to a very messy divorce and us having children together.

I would say I was over her a year ago though.

One of my biggest problems was lying to myself. I convinced myself that she was a good person who would never do anything to hurt me. When I found out about something she had done it knocked me right back.

Now with my exgf I decided to think the worse. I told myself that it was all a lie and that she had probably cheated on me, lied to me and maybe even stole from me. Now as these prove to be true I do not get shocked by it so don't go backwards in my recovery.

Its been 2 months since me and the exgf split and I am a long way down the road to recovery.

[LettingGo14]

I read a story once where the Dalai Lama talked about loss.  A reporter asked him how to "get over" it, and the Dalai Lama paused, and said "you don't" -- he touched his heart and said "it's always here."

That's my goal -- to be able to hold it all with 100% detachment.

[Ventus2ct]

It's just the pain, anguish, guilt, realization, depression etc etc that comes in waves, does it ever stop?

Personally I can be perfectly fine for a week or so then "bang" it hits you. I guess it's the same for you all.

It's Friday, another weekend beckons, another week with NC completed. Another week wondering, hoping, another weekend wondering what she's up to, what's she's doing. Just seems to be a merry-go-round! I have plans to go away but it still doesn't stop you thinking.

Maybe Fridays are just bad because of these factors.

[Changingman]

I'd say some of the early stages were the worst.

I wanted rid of her and the pain, when I began to detach that was scary as it drifted away, and even the anger was an attachment I was losing, that was scary. Then the revenge fantasies started to go... .that was scary still an attachment. The real poison starts to leave from the time you go no contact, but it is dripping from deep inside you. This is recovery from a dark illness,  you have been infected, you may have secondary infection. Give yourself time, this is serious stuff

I think about 4 months is getting better, 7 it's like a different era.

The truth will set you free

They NEED someone

They didn't love you EVER.

They HATED you, like their Father/Mother.

YOU didn't make them happy

They DON'T care about you at all.

They DIDN'T respect you.

They FEEL you are weak and pathetic.

They have left you bleeding to death by the side of a motorway in the middle of nowhere.

They want you to still want them.

then... .

They NEED someone

They didn't love you EVER.

They HATED you, like their Father/Mother.

YOU didn't make them happy

They DON'T care about you at all.

They DIDN'T respect you.

They FEEL you are weak and pathetic.

They have left you bleeding to death by the side of a motorway in the middle of nowhere.

Then

They NEED someone

They didn't love you EVER.

They HATED you, like their Father/Mother.

YOU didn't make them happy

They DON'T care about you at all.

They DIDN'T respect you.

They FEEL you are weak and pathetic.

They have left you bleeding to death by the side of a motorway in the middle of nowhere.

NO... .

Instead... .

I promise my future self that I will become healthy, I will treat myself with respect, dignity and love. I will care for myself like a father/mother should his beloved daughter/son. I will be honest about how I feel and expect to be treated with kindness.

Sign on the bottom line      

... .

[Ventus2ct]

Thanks changingman, just what I needed, that and a bl**dy good walk with the dog in the sun.

This forum is so great, roll on 7 months!

[eniale]

I believe it is possible to detach 100%.  I am 17 months free of a very destructive relationship.  He contacted me by email (once by phone, but I was not home) just about every 4 months for the first year.  Except for first time, when we exchanged a few brief emails (and I only did that to work up to getting something unsaid off my chest) I have not responded to any contact from him.  Do have to say though, that about 6 mos. after break-up I ran into him.  He was with his new woman, I was with man I am seeing.  We were in a restaurant with music, dancing.  I felt fine!  No problem!  Then as we left, he followed us out to lobby and walked within a foot of me.  I did have a bad reaction that lasted about 6 hours.  I think now it was shock, maybe even fear.  I did lots of reading on trauma bonding.  Similar to Stockholm Syndrome.  Helpful.  BPD's bounce you around so much; you are emotionally involved, they are charming, then turn on a dime, and you don't realize it, but you change your personality, "walk on eggshells" to keep things calm.  This forms the trauma bond.  Very difficult to break, much harder than regular break up.  But am fortunate he does not live too close, so haven't run into him since, and have gone NC (no contact) when he has made efforts.  Think he's given up now.  And I don't envy my replacement, as he has the problem and will treat anyone he is in relationship with as he did me.  I dodged a bullet!  And I am now free of him!  Would NEVER go back.  Would NEVER respond to any contact.  Good luck!

[AwakenedOne]

Are you worried a little you're not going to fully detach from your ex-wife AO?

I would imagine that if one day she walked by me with a new guy I would feel something. Maybe I wouldn't, I really don't know to be honest. I guess the feeling would be a momentary hurt and pain associated with the past lies in this horror story raging violent marriage. Not a wishing I was with her instead of the other guy. Hard to explain this feeling. I need to read more about trauma bonding. I have tried not to overload my brain with too much information.

I have wanted to walk on the 3 mile nature exercise trail at the close by local park, but she and her evil mom walk the trail very often. I don't think I can take the trauma of having to walk by both of them on a 3 ft wide path.

[myself]

I have wanted to walk on the 3 mile nature exercise trail at the close by local park, but she and her evil mom walk the trail very often. I don't think I can take the trauma of having to walk by both of them on a 3 ft wide path.

Like so much else with detaching, going a bit further down the road, finding yourself another trail, may do wonders for your continued forward progress. First steps are often the ones we stumble on the most.

[AwakenedOne]

I have wanted to walk on the 3 mile nature exercise trail at the close by local park, but she and her evil mom walk the trail very often. I don't think I can take the trauma of having to walk by both of them on a 3 ft wide path.

Like so much else with detaching, going a bit further down the road, finding yourself another trail, may do wonders for your continued forward progress. First steps are often the ones we stumble on the most.

This is the only nature trail in the town and very close to my house. I am just wondering if driving to the next town to take a walk is really detachment. I could of course always walk on the street.

I am far beyond taking my first steps.

[antjs]

I'd say some of the early stages were the worst.

I wanted rid of her and the pain, when I began to detach that was scary as it drifted away, and even the anger was an attachment I was losing, that was scary. Then the revenge fantasies started to go... .that was scary still an attachment. The real poison starts to leave from the time you go no contact, but it is dripping from deep inside you. This is recovery from a dark illness,  you have been infected, you may have secondary infection. Give yourself time, this is serious stuff

I think about 4 months is getting better, 7 it's like a different era.

The truth will set you free

They NEED someone


They didn't love you EVER.

They HATED you, like their Father/Mother.

YOU didn't make them happy

They DON'T care about you at all.

They DIDN'T respect you.

They FEEL you are weak and pathetic.

They have left you bleeding to death by the side of a motorway in the middle of nowhere.

They want you to still want them.

then... .

They NEED someone

They didn't love you EVER.

They HATED you, like their Father/Mother.

YOU didn't make them happy

They DON'T care about you at all.

They DIDN'T respect you.

They FEEL you are weak and pathetic.

They have left you bleeding to death by the side of a motorway in the middle of nowhere.

Then

They NEED someone

They didn't love you EVER.

They HATED you, like their Father/Mother.

YOU didn't make them happy

They DON'T care about you at all.

They DIDN'T respect you.

They FEEL you are weak and pathetic.

They have left you bleeding to death by the side of a motorway in the middle of nowhere.

NO... .

Instead... .

I promise my future self that I will become healthy, I will treat myself with respect, dignity and love. I will care for myself like a father/mother should his beloved daughter/son. I will be honest about how I feel and expect to be treated with kindness.

Sign on the bottom line      

... .

do you think the length of the relationship plays a factor in detaching ? i am in a good place now. a very good one compared to the initial days. but it took me 4 months to get here after a r\s that lasted only 6 weeks. isn't that weird ?

[Blimblam]

I think the focus on detaching is a form of attachment.

For me I think the recognition that I am a part of a fractured aspect of a "universal self" experiencing  life subjectively is key.  Then While at the center of my own experience surrender to inability to control all the factors in my life.  I do not choose where I came from. What I do to anything else in my existence I am ultimately doing to myself, my universal self... .this gives me compassion.  The realization that the harm others do to others stems from ignorance of their universal self.  The factors that made them disordered to be this was was not their choosing, they did not choose where they came from.  

Therefore I must focus on being true to myself my subjective experience of the universal fractured self and the universal self.  This will allow me to detach from the outcome of my actions and that of others.

the path is no path.  

when you are the most lost is when you will find yourself.

you don't choose where you come from and everyone is at a different point on their journey.

[myself]

I have wanted to walk on the 3 mile nature exercise trail at the close by local park, but she and her evil mom walk the trail very often. I don't think I can take the trauma of having to walk by both of them on a 3 ft wide path.

Like so much else with detaching, going a bit further down the road, finding yourself another trail, may do wonders for your continued forward progress. First steps are often the ones we stumble on the most.

This is the only nature trail in the town and very close to my house. I am just wondering if driving to the next town to take a walk is really detachment. I could of course always walk on the street.

I am far beyond taking my first steps.

First steps, in this situation, would be you walking where you want and choose to walk. Getting past your worries about it each and every time you follow through. If you feel to do so, claim the local nature trail as your own. It's there for everyone. What are the odds you'd be there at the same time? Walk with a friend when possible, to help alleviate some of the potential hassle/confrontation. It's understandable it could be upsetting to see her, but holding yourself back from living your life seems worse.

[Mutt]

Are you worried a little you're not going to fully detach from your ex-wife AO?

I would imagine that if one day she walked by me with a new guy I would feel something. Maybe I wouldn't, I really don't know to be honest. I guess the feeling would be a momentary hurt and pain associated with the past lies in this horror story raging violent marriage. Not a wishing I was with her instead of the other guy. Hard to explain this feeling. I need to read more about trauma bonding. I have tried not to overload my brain with too much information.

I have wanted to walk on the 3 mile nature exercise trail at the close by local park, but she and her evil mom walk the trail very often. I don't think I can take the trauma of having to walk by both of them on a 3 ft wide path.

It makes sense AwakenedOne. I still get triggered when I see my wife and the replacement. I'm not divorced yet and part of that trigger was because of how I value marriage. She broke her end of the contract nonchalantly and disassociates to cope. Seeing someone after you have a history with them and I agree there could be a trauma bond there still hurts. We're human with feelings and those feelings take time to process. The less that I see her the less that those feelings are triggered and the PTSD. I center myself with knowing that she cannot have an intimate inter-personal relationship with no grey area and I can't subject myself to her emotional dysfunctions. I set myself short and long term goals to rebuild my life without her and hopefully it will eventually lead to someone that has the emotional maturity to honor our wedding vows and we can have a healthier relationship without being enmeshed. Rome wasn't built in a day.

[AwakenedOne]

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Yeah, I think things just will take time and a lot of these feelings that we have are normal and understandable. I just have to remind myself detachment isn't becoming a robot.

[eniale]

Awakened One -- Think it is vital you read about trauma bonding.  I would not worry about "overloading" your mind.  You need to understand just why this bond is so hard to break.  Perhaps, like me, you were not even aware of how this relationship mixed up your mind.  I did not realize the fear I was living in.  The highs were so good, and I was so fearful of saying/doing anything that would "upset the apple cart."  This went far beyond just the ordinary way one does not say something to hurt another, etc.  This is walking on eggshells.  You are more fearful than you realize.  This is the trauma that forms a very unhealthy bond.  My good friends noticed the change in my personality.  I was less spontaneous with everyone as I had learned to be so careful what I said.  Not normal.  I believe you have to understand this to realize just how damaging the other person was to you.  Once you have grasped this, it still takes time.  If you can afford it, therapy helps.  Try to find someone with experience with BPD and trauma bonding.  Get rid of any triggers that bring on memories.  When you do start to have emotional memories, you have about half a minute to rescue yourself before it affects you.  When this ever happens to me, I say to myself "that was before I really knew who he was."  We can be like babes in the wood with a BPD person.  They are very skillful at what they do.  Good luck.  The first 3 mos. were hardest for me.

[Changingman]

Antony_J

"do you think the length of the relationship plays a factor in detaching ? i am in a good place now. a very good one compared to the initial days. but it took me 4 months to get here after a r\s that lasted only 6 weeks. isn't that weird ?"

I have no idea AJ, I was with My xW for 14 years, we almost made it I thought, now I think I helped her to go from BPD to NPD. It has taken me till now (years) to realise what has happened to me.

AJ If you feel it, you feel it. Be honest about the emotions, they are important. This is a chance to align your true desires and wishes with your perceptions of yourself and others. You were lucky to get out in such a short time, but she must have got to you.

[antjs]

Antony_J

"do you think the length of the relationship plays a factor in detaching ? i am in a good place now. a very good one compared to the initial days. but it took me 4 months to get here after a r\s that lasted only 6 weeks. isn't that weird ?"

I have no idea AJ, I was with My xW for 14 years, we almost made it I thought, now I think I helped her to go from BPD to NPD. It has taken me till now (years) to realise what has happened to me.

AJ If you feel it, you feel it. Be honest about the emotions, they are important. This is a chance to align your true desires and wishes with your perceptions of yourself and others. You were lucky to get out in such a short time, but she must have got to you.

Yes deep inside  i know i am lucky. And yes she has got to me. But even my friends who i trust so muxh said that i was integral and they would have done the same dance and reactions that i did till i broke up with her except for a mini recycle that lasted a week. They can see that she was so subtle yet abusive and manipulative. God she is so good at it. Dhe is cunning. Even my therapistwas sorry for what i have been through and told me that anyone could have been in my place and that no one would be able to avoif it except if you are a saint or already in another r/s. God she is so good at being evil and foxy

[Changingman]

"Even my therapist was sorry for what i have been through"

Me too AJ,

[Blimblam]

For me taking the Meyers Briggs personality test then googling my type and reading a lot about it helped to validate me.  I realize I came to rely on a lot of my exs perceptions of me to validate my self worth.  My body felt profound pain and it was leading me to my core issues.  Addressing those two things has helped a lot to detach.

[AwakenedOne]

If you feel to do so, claim the local nature trail as your own.

I walked the trail today at the park for the first time and reclaimed it for myself. It's my trail now, and my park and my world! I'll share the world with you guys I promise though. A small user fee ok?