Not doing that well today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

And to be clear, I did the recycle 4 years later thinking she had changed. She didn't. It pretty much followed the same pattern as the last relationship. All the same red flags, bad feelings in my gut, the rationalizing and sticking it out. This time, I'm hoping I get over it more quickly... .I'm trying to do No-contact the right way (no seeing messages, no getting calls, no occasional peak at her social media.) The sooner you work on that the sooner you can heal and realize just how much she messed with your head and your heart. Feel bad for the next sucker... .or don't... .just know he's going to deal with the same thing.

But this time around is the first time I've heard of trauma bonding. What are some good resources to learn about this?

Eric -- you say you are ready to "recycle" -- please go back and read the post from Learnandgrow.  Learnandgrow did a recycle -- same thing happened again.  Please understand these people do not/cannot change.  Do you want to be hurt all over again?  BPD's rarely seek out therapy.  You are living on hope.  I understand this, I was there for a brief while until I spoke to a knowledgeable therapist.  If you can afford it, I would recommend it.  The pain you are feeling is due to the fact that you were trauma bonded to this person.  VERY important for you to know this and research it.  It is NOT like a "normal" break up.  She holds great power over you and you need to understand why.  I know you are hurting badly now; I have been there.  But if you are dead set on "calling her Mon." then you have a day or so to do some research.  Wish I could say "I hope things work out well for you" but if this is truly a BPD person, no way they can.  Just more heartbreak and pain for you.  It was tough, but I followed NC (NO contact) and the first 2-3 months were the very hardest, but it DOES get better.  Hope you will not set yourself up for more heartbreak.  "Know thine enemy."  Please research trauma bonding.  You apparently have no idea about the strength of a trauma bond and need help in understanding it.  Good luck.

[learnandgrow]

And to be clear, I did the recycle 4 years later thinking she had changed. She didn't. It pretty much followed the same pattern as the last relationship. All the same red flags, bad feelings in my gut, the rationalizing and sticking it out. This time, I'm hoping I get over it more quickly... .I'm trying to do No-contact the right way (no seeing messages, no getting calls, no occasional peak at her social media.) The sooner you work on that the sooner you can heal and realize just how much she messed with your head and your heart. Feel bad for the next sucker... .or don't... .just know he's going to deal with the same thing.

But this time around is the first time I've heard of trauma bonding. What are some good resources to learn about this?

Eric -- you say you are ready to "recycle" -- please go back and read the post from Learnandgrow.  Learnandgrow did a recycle -- same thing happened again.  Please understand these people do not/cannot change.  Do you want to be hurt all over again?  BPD's rarely seek out therapy.  You are living on hope.  I understand this, I was there for a brief while until I spoke to a knowledgeable therapist.  If you can afford it, I would recommend it.  The pain you are feeling is due to the fact that you were trauma bonded to this person.  VERY important for you to know this and research it.  It is NOT like a "normal" break up.  She holds great power over you and you need to understand why.  I know you are hurting badly now; I have been there.  But if you are dead set on "calling her Mon." then you have a day or so to do some research.  Wish I could say "I hope things work out well for you" but if this is truly a BPD person, no way they can.  Just more heartbreak and pain for you.  It was tough, but I followed NC (NO contact) and the first 2-3 months were the very hardest, but it DOES get better.  Hope you will not set yourself up for more heartbreak.  "Know thine enemy."  Please research trauma bonding.  You apparently have no idea about the strength of a trauma bond and need help in understanding it.  Good luck.

[Inside]

Hi Eric1 …you’d think that having spent a substantial portion of my life around here I’d have noticed your post had gone to a second page… I didn’t, but am caught up now

I remember being given the same (excellent) advice you are … but feeling that ‘I knew better.’  I knew how much I loved her, and how much I was willing to help her…  So I tried, returning several times after being ‘dumped.’ 

Each time, I’d grown, but she hadn’t, because pwBPD rarely grow.  I’d done the research she hadn’t the guts to, so each time we tried again, she was further behind…  She knew my suspicion of BPD, even sought out a T …whose claim to fame was ‘treating horses!’  And I suspect, just as she’d done during our ‘couples counseling,’ she denied any BPD trait and refused to be open or honest with her T... .

…three months a couple turned into three weeks, then three days before we’d fall apart.  The more I expected from her, the more apparent it became that she wasn’t able to provide it.  Another interesting aspect became her assuming I viewed her as “nuts.”  Her words.  So instead of attempting to hide her BPD behavior, she’d throw it in my face, as if letting me know she now had no intensions of being anything other than ‘who she was.’  Fine, I’d always wanted honesty.  But, her traits included sitting me on a shelf while she entertains others, preferably, men. 

I’d never been OK with that, and could see where this was headed … so after being invited to her bed on a Saturday night, I decided to drive home alone instead.  Yes, she’d been abandoned – and, she’d earned it.  A year or two prior, that wouldn’t have happened.  But as the BPD played out, it was inevitable.

That may sound like a nice way to go…  but what I counted as 7 relapses merely doubled the time I’d wasted with her.  She, or pwBPD are terminally unstable.  We ‘think’ we can handle that… are more than willing to try… but here’s the catch – when they want gone – they will do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING it takes to get gone!  They will wreck your life faster than they have their own.  They are, as mine put it, Nuts! 

They target well though, we are loving and caring people – and that’s where our advice to you is coming from.  She will eat your life alive, and already is.  You deserve better, and she deserves no more than she’s already received.  If she loved you, she would have ‘made this work.’  She didn’t – instead, she did what BP’s do – move on to their next victim.  Please, do not remain a victim.  We’ve all been victimized, don’t get me wrong, it’s just the sooner you pull away – the further and faster you’ll escape the hold, the drug…  Right now, especially that she’s focused on someone else – escape.

It’s not easy … I felt as though I were watching myself put one foot in front of the other…...   Life was dark, and all thoughts were of her.  But each day the pull was a bit less, and though I fell back, or allowed myself to experience it again – the progress I’d made helped me move away with a bit more ease.  Mainly, that ‘progress’ was logic – ‘bpdfamily.com,’ so to speak.  Let them speak, and listen to them.  None of us are playing games here – this is serious ___.  Hell, we don’t even ‘know her,’ but we know BPD, and it’s terminal.  Read around here – read where a marriage gets you … kids with a BPD partner… and considering its genetic …can you imagine passing that to your child... ? 

I get wound up… sorry, but I, we can feel your pain … and only want you to share our joy for having pulled (and finally stayed) away.  Stay with us

[Eric1]

Appreciate the kind words & advice. It really does help.

I think one of my main problems, and it's always difficult to say, is that I have low self esteem. I can be insecure, and she just brought out my insecurities. Rather than face them, I just fought.

People tell me I'm good looking & handsome. Friends have asked why I'm single because, and I'll quote one 'I'm a catch'. I just don't see it though.

I've got a really well paid job, but I hate it. I'm starting to make a career change, which will be a massive salary cut, but I'll get more satisfaction out of it.

I play sports & was captain for two seasons. I own house, have a dog, got a great group of friends, have a large family, although at times they can trigger me & can be quite critical.

All in all, on paper, I have a great life. But, I'm just not happy. I don't know if I'm depressed, or what. At the moment, I just can't find happiness in anything. Turning to me ex won't help, I know that. But, it was the first time that I thought I met someone who I can marry & have kids with - that dream has been shattered. There's other girls out there , without all the emotional baggage & issues, but I just don't think I'll ever have that connection like I had with me ex.

[Inside]

Eric1, I can relate to the low self esteem…  if my parents did anything well, it was wringing the self esteem from their 4 children, beginning with the oldest, me.  I became a gentle caregiver.  Though also considered good looking, when exposed to the prettiest or brightest girls, I’d not even try …assuming some other guy either had them or soon would.  

I’m sure my BPgf picked up on that... . Low self esteem seems a quiet yet reoccurring theme around here, nothing we’re proud of, and perhaps one of the most difficult personality defects to overcome.  Again, you’re not alone…

Sounds like you’re ‘starting over,’ with all kinds of potential.  I’m hurting, spending weeks preparing my home and property for sale.  ‘This’ is perhaps my only social interaction, though I’m not complaining.  But when I venture out, the attention is quite uplifting.  I find myself smiling big while simply going about chores like shopping and such, even notice interested women picking up on my attitude.  You are destined for the same and only need to allow it.

You are a catch - so shift your thinking from the ex to your positive achievements.  And as difficult, even traumatic as our BPD r/s’s have been, I sincerely feel I’m a better person for having experienced it.  Though hope to avoid another … it definitely feels as though ‘I’m’ a better person for having been tested.  Though walking the rim of depression, basically alone in the woods (with guns) is not something I’d recommend anyone try…  But I’ve had no choice, and little help … other than folks around here   A wise friend who knows my situation recently described me as walking through a very long tunnel, “You’re in so deep you’ve yet to see light, so you’ll have to make your own.”  That continues to help…  So when it’s dark, I accept that, and struggle to ‘make light.’  And every so often I notice a flicker ahead!  

So what do we fear?  Matching a mate, living up to the expectations of a healthy woman?  Or being bored after having the ride of our life?  That was a pretend r/s though, with someone who mirrored us, a carnival ride … it wasn’t real.  But though it may not show just yet, I hope you also feel stronger for having gone through a BPD affair.  Actually, both reading and posting around here has assured me that my feelings and fears are shared by many.  Now I’d like to take what I’ve learned and apply it.  

I’ve not gotten any professional therapy.  Once I’d called my health provider's psychological help line and ‘the recording’ told me to ‘describe my symptoms so a panel could evaluate my need for treatment.’ I thought, F- that … assuming one of few ways to receive help was to describe the likelihood of ‘self harm’ into a recording device?  So I’ve relied on family and friends, which fortunately include several mental health professionals.  I realized ‘going it alone’ gets a lot of people killed, but seemed to be squeaking by…

The best thing we can do with regard to our BPD r/s’s is to give ourselves some distance and time.  That gives us the time and perspective to gather our thoughts, run them by others, do some homework and focus on ourselves – as opposed to the black-hole needs of our former BP’s.  Then we grow.  And, if the opportunity arises, see if they’ve grown.  I suspect not in their case.  How can they?  Swinging from one r/s to another does not allow for growth.  So while it appears they’re out-distancing us by miles – it’s we who are growing.  But sure as ___ – where there’s gain – there’s pain!  So if you see the ‘happy couple’ gallivanting through life - realize it’s ‘us’ who are moving ahead.  

It takes some time to recover; I treat it like furthering my education.  I don’t know that our self esteem grows …maybe it simply becomes evident to those previously drawn to the flamboyant behavior our society promotes as ‘ideal’ begin to notice those who actually make the world go round (us )…  Even my parents wouldn’t do it the same, everyone grows … unless they’ve got BPD…  It may not feel as though moving sideways is moving ahead, but we’re moving  

[Xstaticaddict]

When I saw it all happen I was so horrified at MY stupidity in trying to change her and thinking I could make a difference... .

 

This was the key to me being able to see things more clearly too. Realizing i was always trying to change her and thinking that was my best and only move. Letting go of someone I didn't actually fully accept or respect or really even like when it came down to it never even occurred to me.

It's so important to realistically assess what you'd be getting in a recycle and to look at all their horrible coping, and chaos and fighting against love and figure out why we would want something like that as opposed to the difficult task of finding someone healthy to love, or even harder, going it alone and loving ourselves the way we would want a partner to.

[Xstaticaddict]

All in all, on paper, I have a great life. But, I'm just not happy. I don't know if I'm depressed, or what. At the moment, I just can't find happiness in anything. Turning to me ex won't help, I know that. But, it was the first time that I thought I met someone who I can marry & have kids with - that dream has been shattered. There's other girls out there , without all the emotional baggage & issues, but I just don't think I'll ever have that connection like I had with me ex.

Eric I soo identify with this statement. I've dug deep into this feeling and part of it for me was finding out that I was doing a lot of the things in my life to live up to my dad's expectations of me, which he would always express as a kid by telling me i wasn't good enough. If i got 98% on a test it was where's the other 2%. As i'm older now i realize he was overcompensating for his own shortcomings and trying to live vicariously through me, but it was brutal as a kid and only recently at 37 I've only started to let go of that kind of thinking as start pursuing things that genuinely make me happy and have nothing to do with him.

I think it's great that you're moving into a career that you enjoy. The money will come if you're truly passionate about it. That'll be huge for you.

The part about not thinking you'll find someone you connect with like your ex is the way i feel too. Fortunately i'm starting to add, THANK GOD at the end of it now as i start to realize that she's absolutely like Heroin to me. A high that kills you slowly, and never stays as good as it was in the beginning.