It has been a year: A 4th of July Journey

[ConverseHome]

It was a year ago today that I experienced the beginning of the end, though it has taken me a year to extricate and most of all, process in a self-validating way, the chaos that was once my life. It was a year ago when my xBPDgf went into her worst drunken rage after a 4th of July party... .the rage included me hiding her car keys to keep her from hurting herself or possibly others, her raging through the house, trying to break down my bedroom door, terrifying my children, who were also in the house at the time, and eventually finding said keys and driving her car over a retaining wall where it got stuck like a see-saw. She eventually slept it off on the sofa, and it took myself and two cousins to extricate the car (brand new by the way) without ripping out the undercarriage.

So... .me being the "fixer" that I am, I gave her the ultimatum of substance counseling, found a terrific one, and she "committed" to getting help. Well, that lasted about 6 weeks, as the counselor recommended DBT and I suspect started to get at the heart of my ex's issues and my ex dropped the counselor like a hot potato. Rather than sticking to my guns, I caved, and believed her that she could handle her drinking. Of course, I also allowed her to re-define the 4th of July scene... .she was so worried that I was going to behave like her and triangulate with friends that she took the best defense is a good offense approach (she was a master at this). She told our friends that I was being abusive and she was trying to "flee" from me. I mean really... .I asked her to explain my bedroom door that was half-bashed in. Somehow, she could wrap that into her distortions as well. And somehow, I took it.

Anyway, fast forward to Xmas, when it all finally fell apart... .she left me, and as our CT said, "painted me blacker than black." I was, as I was throughout the relationship, "evil, toxic, poisonous, sick, controlling, abusive, worse than her evil stepmother... ." I was labeled in ways that I had frankly never experienced, yet at the same time, couldn't help my own compulsions of defending myself, of allowing her distortions to stick. It's now been six months since the "end" of our relationship - I say "end" as I was recycled a few times, one of which included sleeping together several times, her seeming to see the light, though as soon as she had to take any accountability for her own previous behavior, again, like her substance abuse counselor, I was dropped like a hot potato.

What I can say is this... .It has been a very, very long last year. I had been worried about the 4th of July coming and how this would affect me. I am happy to say, I'm in a new place, and have gotten over her by walking through the most painful process I have ever experienced. It has been painful because I believed and internalized her devaluing; I allowed her to carry on with her cognitive distortions because I was afraid of the fury I received when I challenged her; I allowed her amnesiac dissociations of past events to continue; I compulsively kept going back for more and more, as if I needed to knock myself unconscious from banging my head against the wall; I apologized for so many things that weren't my own and even then it wasn't enough. I was crucified for things I did, didn't do, was perceived to do, whether it was yesterday or five years ago, and I will always be that person for her. On that, I can take it to the bank.

But, I suppose I'm writing because there is hope, though it came into my life at such a glacial speed that I didn't even know it had arrived. It came through countless hours and $ on therapy, from unbelievably supportive friends, from reading this board over and over, from understanding how very similar others' experiences have been, and from being hard enough on myself to have the courage to face my own FOO issues, while also being compassionate enough not to beat myself up. It is this latter point that has been so very crucial for me... .when I finally realized that I was harder on myself than she was on me (and that's saying something), it became the key to breaking free.

I can only say here what I have heard so often from so much wisdom in other posts. That is, my xBPDgf will never change. Never. I play a very important role for her. I am the "bad guy," I am the person upon which all of her emotionally-arrested toxicity is dumped. Without this, she would have to face herself, and then the entire house of cards would come down. Curiously, I have enormous compassion for her, though I've learned to have more for myself. By finding this, I can see her craziness for what it is. I can marvel at her ability to distort, devalue, and dissociate during her rages, as it truly is extraordinary when I step outside of our relationship and look at it from afar. Self-compassion has brought me relief, clarity, and most of all a new-found freedom that I didn't have either with her, or before I met her. She took so much from me emotionally, physically, and financially. But prompting me on this journey - as excruciating as it has been - has been the only gift she's given me worth keeping.

[heartandwhole]

This is an inspiring post, ConverseHome, thank you for sharing.  You make a great point about compassion – first for yourself, and also for pwBPD.  I think that is so important for our healing and ability to move forward to better things.

What has helped you the most getting to this peaceful place?