Story that may make you laugh - maybe not - but I CAN LAUGH NOW ;)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are over 3 yrs of shutting out BPD MIL.    It still hurts but we are so much better off & happier.

Well here is the story:

When I first moved in with my husband MIL was coming to visit.     I reached into my spiritual pocket and although she was pretty nasty to me I said hugs and kisses will fix all this.   I told my husband I wanted her to come over and stay for a night with all the kids.  My kids were needing a grandmother figure in their life.     Grandmother arrives and I have a beautiful roast beef dinner with all the fixings.     A specialty cake that says "welcome back grandmother" because she lives in another state.      I put out this amazing dinner.  Hugged her on arrival.   Said all sorts of nice things.

After the meal she did not express anything.  No thank you.  NO nice job.    And even after the cake too.    She then looked at her grandson - my step-son - and said "oh, "funfunctional" (me) will clean all this up" and she said this in the most disrespectful way you can imagine.

The next morning we had coffee.   She tells me that my S.I.L. (her daughter) is going to be very jealous of me.   I said to her "why would she be jealous - she is pretty & successful and has a great family". 

The conversation continued with her telling me point blank that my step son and step daughter should live with their mom becuz her family is better than ours.    Now keep in mind that my husband's x wife left him for her best friend's husband and this guy was also his friend as well.    THEIR FAMILY consisted of a marginal drunk step father that shined a full moon while drunk out one night.   This man is quite the beer chugger.  Not to mention absolutely no values & they refuse to buy clothing for any of the kids nor really do a thing.   They go out - party - and SWING!.       So my BPD MIL is telling me basically 3 months after I moved in that our family sucks.     Everything she said that morning came out of my step-son's mouth over the course of the next two years and to this day - the brain washing and negativity will be with this kids for life.

Morale of Story:    All of you need to take these mentally ill people seriously and don't be smooshy silly spiritual with them.  It doesn't work.     

So where is the funny part?   The funny part is my vision of how I would handle this if I could do it over again.   I immediately would have walked away from the kitchen and told my MIL that SHE should clean up along side all the kids.  THEN, the cake would have been dumped into her lap.  Next, when she started putting our blended family down her ASS would have been out the door.  Oh - and for all the comments about her lying and telling people I drink & drive and am an alcoholic - I would have poured a whisky sour over her head.     These people are lethal, deadly & "bye bye".     Add an enabler to the pic & forget it.   


Amen.

[funfunctional]

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are over 3 yrs of shutting out BPD MIL.    It still hurts but we are so much better off & happier.

Well here is the story:

When I first moved in with my husband MIL was coming to visit.     I reached into my spiritual pocket and although she was pretty nasty to me I said hugs and kisses will fix all this.   I told my husband I wanted her to come over and stay for a night with all the kids.  My kids were needing a grandmother figure in their life.     Grandmother arrives and I have a beautiful roast beef dinner with all the fixings.     A specialty cake that says "welcome back grandmother" because she lives in another state.      I put out this amazing dinner.  Hugged her on arrival.   Said all sorts of nice things.

After the meal she did not express anything.  No thank you.  NO nice job.    And even after the cake too.    She then looked at her grandson - my step-son - and said "oh, "funfunctional" (me) will clean all this up" and she said this in the most disrespectful way you can imagine.

The next morning we had coffee.   She tells me that my S.I.L. (her daughter) is going to be very jealous of me.   I said to her "why would she be jealous - she is pretty & successful and has a great family". 

The conversation continued with her telling me point blank that my step son and step daughter should live with their mom becuz her family is better than ours.    Now keep in mind that my husband's x wife left him for her best friend's husband and this guy was also his friend as well.    THEIR FAMILY consisted of a marginal drunk step father that shined a full moon while drunk out one night.   This man is quite the beer chugger.  Not to mention absolutely no values & they refuse to buy clothing for any of the kids nor really do a thing.   They go out - party - and SWING!.       So my BPD MIL is telling me basically 3 months after I moved in that our family sucks.     Everything she said that morning came out of my step-son's mouth over the course of the next two years and to this day - the brain washing and negativity will be with this kids for life.

Morale of Story:    All of you need to take these mentally ill people seriously and don't be smooshy silly spiritual with them.  It doesn't work.     

So where is the funny part?   The funny part is my vision of how I would handle this if I could do it over again.   I immediately would have walked away from the kitchen and told my MIL that SHE should clean up along side all the kids.  THEN, the cake would have been dumped into her lap.  Next, when she started putting our blended family down her ASS would have been out the door.  Oh - and for all the comments about her lying and telling people I drink & drive and am an alcoholic - I would have poured a whisky sour over her head.     These people are lethal, deadly & "bye bye".     Add an enabler to the pic & forget it.   


Amen.

[Botswana Agate]

 

Big huge WORD to everything you wrote. 

[Torocat]

Isn't it irritating when they pull this stuff in front of people you don't want to lose control in front of?

[Botswana Agate]

You know, make YOURSELF a cake that says "Welcome back FunFunctional" to celebrate your steps to getting a grip on the BPD.  You deserve it.

I'll come over for the roast.   

[funfunctional]

Hey there,   

Torocat I agree about not losing control.   I stayed in control.   But I let her go too far & was a newby & caught off guard.    So I can only IMAGINE an altenative response that would have shortened how long her nonsense went on but would also have probably made her more explosive (BPD) so things rolled as they had to.

Botswana - I like the cake idea!   

Moving beyond the anger of the events that happened as it is in the past now.   I feel like stages happen - we acknowledge what happened - get angry - then we can start to move on.  BPD is not in our lives.   

Recent stirrings with me have been the realization that my sister is BPD (or so I think).   Her behavior is a mirror to BPD MIL.   I see it now.   There are many common traits.   My sister has been the divider in the family for years.     She hates, hates herself,  and does not respond to love.     I have had to come to realization that she and I may not have a relationship.   I think it is over.   She is doing the silent treatment to me and I quite frankly just want peace.     

Thanks & not sure the story was real funny but my main point was the damage that can happen and "nicey nicey - sugar & spice" does not work.

[HappyChappy]

After the meal was over, you should have asked your son to clear away the dirty plates and unwanted meat. He would then clear away your BPD MIL! Ha! You're right these BPD are poison.

[funfunctional]

Too funny Chappy!

AGREE! 

Life is far too short to have this hate in our lives

It was my step son actually that she made a point of being disrespectful in front of.  Hence, he moved out a while back as BPD MIL made it her mission for him to hate us.   She took a young mind going thru puberty and change and made sure he wasn't going to succeed with us.   We tried everything!     I have no use for people - like you said "unwanted meat".

[P.F.Change]

After the meal she did not express anything.  No thank you.  NO nice job.    And even after the cake too.   

Did you do all of those things in order to get her thanks? Are you resentful that you did not get the payoff you deserved?

What kind of solutions are you looking for?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[funfunctional]

I did all those things as a show of "kindness" and "affection" towards her.    She was visiting from where she lives now (another state).    I was about to become her new daugther in law.   My own children needed a grandmother figure and we were new in the area and all starting over.    I lost my mother and have very little family.   My expectations for her behavior were actually quite low.

My thought was that despite her negative behavior toward me,   I was going to show her that I wanted a positive relationship.   I was also unaware of her mental illness. 

There were many responses she could have had that would have been okay.  Pehaps a "thank you" or "beef tastes good".    I think showing my step-son I was someone NOT to be respected was her response. 

Also,  we went to a cook out that afternoon invited her but instead she asked if she could stay in our house and hang.   I had a bad feeling.   A week after she left I tried to use my curling iron and a large cut was in the cord that sparked up fire red.  I found it wierd as the cut was so deep but didn't think much of it.   Then when I  picked up my pummice stone in bathroom and got a whiff of a chunk of poo that was smeared on it I  put two and two together and realized grandmother kept busy in our house alone.  My husband's first response was "my mother did that" and also told me a story about how MIL hated her own mother and when my SIL asked for an item that belonged to her grandmother MIL vandalized the item beyond repair and delivered it to her in that condition.

A few months after the visit to us in a drunk state she told my sister-in-law, she was investigating me and snooping thru my stuff for personal financial information.    It came to a head when I found out she had  rekindled a previous HATE relationship with my husband's x wife and had her participating in the "investigation".    Since I moved in she was talking to my husband and then calling the x wife and relaying ALL and ANYTHING personal he was telling her. 

The solution?  We have not talked to her in a few years.     The results of the investigation served inconclusive but both grandmother and x wife made sure to include my step son in all of it and hence did wonders for our family blending.   Most 12 year olds that love their mom and grandmother find themselves really in the middle.  The damage this woman has done is unforgivable.

 

[P.F.Change]

That's scary about your curling iron.

What do you need for your own healing? How can we help?

[funfunctional]

((PF Change))

Thank you... .you guys are already assisting in that.  I have a place to come and vent & share.  Time heals.

 

I also had to CHANGE things up here.  Back early winter I deleted most of my face book people. I took off anyone that was related in anyway to my MIL and my husband's x wife.  I decided to ENJOY being alone and what happened?   Friends came!    I have made some nice friends & my social life is getting better and better.  I had to be OK with being alone.   I am very spiritual and I put angels all over my house.  Saged the hell out of it (LOL).    Decided to enjoy any alone time... .and just smile & breathe.

I am getting "over" all this and putting it in my past.   I see the crap I was put thru (the abuse) and I get it now.   

 

My kids will benefit from that & continue to build their own lives.

Good things are coming.    They got me when I was vulnerable.  A person who moved away from their support system.  A person who had gone thru LONG relationship/marriage and was divorced.   A person who is a breast cancer survivor.    Person that lost a lot of family - my mom tragically - and now my aunt.

I am now a person that is stronger.  I can stand proudly on my own two feet.  I can stand strong alone AGAIN.  I can freely enjoy WHOEVER is around me and make them laugh.   I laugh with them.    The old me is back & kicked up a notch.

((Hugs))  healing continues... .but thank you!

[P.F.Change]

I am glad you are already feeling helped. bpdfamily is here to help us move beyond venting, to really looking at our own "stuff." We're here if you ever want to take a deeper look at this.

So where is the funny part?   The funny part is my vision of how I would handle this if I could do it over again.   I immediately would have walked away from the kitchen and told my MIL that SHE should clean up along side all the kids.  THEN, the cake would have been dumped into her lap.  Next, when she started putting our blended family down her ASS would have been out the door.  Oh - and for all the comments about her lying and telling people I drink & drive and am an alcoholic - I would have poured a whisky sour over her head.     These people are lethal, deadly & "bye bye".     Add an enabler to the pic & forget it.   

[funfunctional]

Yes.  I do feel like we all play a part in whatever it is going on in our lives. 

I do self reflect.  Do look at my own reactions.    I think I used to "react" faster and now I step back - take a few breaths and think.  Let the dust settle.   One thing I have learned is we can't control other people's behavior.   We also don't have to put up with it.   

I am always interested in understanding more.    Not sure what going deeper requires that I am not currently doing - so I have to think on that. 

Thank you... .you share a lot of good stuff/knowledge/experience with people here and I look forward to reading your posts.

[P.F.Change]

Thanks, funfunctional. 

What I was getting at was the suggestion of dumping cake in your MIL's lap and pouring a whiskey sour on her head. Maybe not in line with your goals of self-reflection and stepping back instead of reacting.

We have a lot of tools here that might be able to help you form a different kind of vision for how things could have gone instead. Things like TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind, and  BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

Would you be interested in thinking through how those tools might have helped you if you had them back at the time of that visit from your MIL?

[funfunctional]

PF Change,

Actually the thought of dumping the cake and drink was some humour in moving on from the whole experience.    If I had to do it all over again with prior knowledge I think I would have insisted that EVERYONE in the room help pick up.   I also would not have left her alone in my home.   My husband would have also not trusted her with private information.     The boundaries would be drawn faster with prior knowledge of her illness.   I would have been in CHARGE.

If you are walking down an ally and get mugged you don't look at how you may have changed your own outlook or reaction or what emotional response was triggered related to the past.  Getting caught off guard by someone's behavior because you have never dealt with that sort of mental illness and behavior is what happened.   What happened was a rude mentally ill old lady came to my house and said a lot of negative comments & behaved bad & deeply affected the emotional well being of my step son & also planted hateful seeds to intentionally destroy our "blending families".    Kids are young and impressionable.

Our reactions can be adjusted.  Agree.    But we were mugged.

   

[P.F.Change]

If I had to do it all over again with prior knowledge I think I would have insisted that EVERYONE in the room help pick up.   I also would not have left her alone in my home.   My husband would have also not trusted her with private information.     The boundaries would be drawn faster with prior knowledge of her illness.   I would have been in CHARGE.

It sounds like you learned some valuable lessons from the experience. 

Our reactions can be adjusted.  Agree.    But we were mugged.

Perhaps at the time you didn't have the tools you do now. The experience could certainly have felt as traumatic and unexpected as a mugging. Now, with some time and knowledge on your side, you understand the scope of what you were dealing with, and you also have access to a different skill set. I think it's possible to come through our traumatic experiences and process our anger. I think you're right that looking for a humorous side to things can sometimes help. Do you think it is really funny, though, or is there still anger there that you need to work through?

[funfunctional]

Hi,

It is a mix PFchange.    I do apply a lot of humour to situations to help me work thru the anger.   I am easing up on the anger part though and it is moving into my past.  And totally I would be equipped so as not to be mugged again.   

I have stuff to process and it is taking time but if I go back a year and compare to now I have come a long way.  I am happy.   I ignore a lot.  I don't respond.    Honestly having my step son move out was so wonderful.   I think for all parties involved.   Now he has chosen the side his mom and BPD grammy were pressuring him to choose so he is out of the middle.     What went on with that is a whole other set of emotions that I am healing from.   When you try so hard to please a kid and realize - stop pleasing - he wants his own mother to do HER JOB which she doesn't but now that he lives with her all the time she HAS to at least do a little.

Lots going on with BPD sister right now.  Big stuff.