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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Poll
Question: I ostr in this thread and I have been no contact for... (please update regularily)
Less than a week - 4 (11.1%)
1 week - 1 (2.8%)
2 weeks - 3 (8.3%)
3 weeks - 1 (2.8%)
4 weeks - 2 (5.6%)
5 weeks - 2 (5.6%)
6 weeks - 2 (5.6%)
7 weeks - 2 (5.6%)
8 weeks - 2 (5.6%)
9 weeks - 0 (0%)
1 weeks - 0 (0%)
10 weeks or more - 17 (47.2%)
Total Voters: 36

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Author Topic: Re: "No Contact" Members Daily  (Read 5125 times)
I Am

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« Reply #30 on: July 18, 2014, 07:14:57 AM »

Be gentle with yourself Amigo.  I have recycled more times than i can count.  two weeks ago despite all the horrible things i have been through, i fell completely back.  Re engaged and promised to spend my life with her, bought her a diamond ring.  I fell for it all.  then less than one week into the recycle she lost it in a restaurant because i told her she was beautiful.  She launched into an attack about who else i had said that to.  Called me abusive and refused to leave the restaurant... .   it only got worse... .and the pain is unbearable.


I have no honest idea how many times i have taken or begged for her back.  Usually she begs me but i have her as well.  I am on day 9 of no contact and am hoping and praying it is my last day 9... .   
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Aussie JJ
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« Reply #31 on: July 18, 2014, 07:24:04 AM »

End of Day 14 L/C. 

I have done alot of reading today, had to go into work to cover for someone this morning and after that just decided to read a book from the op shop.  Went down, bought a book, sat on the beach and read until the sun went down, posted here when I had thoughts of BPD etc and here I am. 

I have finished my $3.00 book!

I must have looked crazy sitting on the sand in my suit reading a boko but it took my mind off everything else and I was able to enjoy it for what is was. 

Now to cook some dinner at 10pm!
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« Reply #32 on: July 18, 2014, 07:35:05 AM »

thank you Split Black, Aussie JJ and amigo.

I feel just like you amigo did - I want just one more round with my exBPDgirlfriend. I was the one who decided to brake up.

I have not contacted her for almost 3 weeks, during which she emailed me 3 times  and left love letter in my mailbox.

Now she's been quiet for one week. And it confuses me, but on the other hand this is what I wanted.

But I also feel that maybe by contecting her, meeting her I will realize more clearly, that she has serious problem. And thet she really does not want ME, but wants to survive by using me.

I think that I am fooling myself while wanting to have "controlled contact". Because at the same time I am really AFRAIND of any contact. So what is the point of having it? I want it and I am REALLY afraid of it... .That it will ruin my stability, which is so SHAKY:) I hate this feeling.

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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #33 on: July 19, 2014, 08:10:47 AM »

I have taken the breakup with my exBPDgf very hard as well.  It ended in early January and she quickly went into ignoring every single text and email I would send... We dated for a year and a half and just a week before the breakup she was actually talking about having a child together, which would have been her first at 41.

I could not go more than four days without sending an email or text profesing my love for her and trying to convince her we were worth it.  She truely was my first love even though I am in my 40's.

I can understand every one of you who are having trouble staying NC.  This is what finally gave me the strength to go and STAY NC.

I had so many questions about this woman after the breakup.  The only way to really get a few answers was to go back and check her public Facebook posts.  She would often acuse me of being a "facebooker" which was the furthest thing from the truth. In fact after she made this comment a few times I closed my FB account to avoid any more conflict on that topic and I told her all I wanted was her NOT facebook.  She never closed her account as I never really cared.

Well after our breakup you can sort of say I became a "facebooker" in search of some answers.  I quickly realized SHE was the one always on FB and it had been for YEARS.  She commented often on diffrent saying about if someone doesnt respect you give them the "axe" and would actualy LOL about it.  She had hurt many other guys feelings with breakups and was actually laughing about it publicly on FB.  Of course her ex's weren't into FB all that much and most liekly never saw this.

After four months of texting and emailing her at least every four days I came aross another one of her comments on Facebook which she had written about her ex just before she met me.  It was a saying about silence and ignoring someone being a very powerful way of dealing with people.  To this she commented "Silence is a killer I tell ya... Especially for anyone we don't want back in our lives... .It's a killer I tell ya."

That comment from her right there woke up the PRIDE and DIGNITY inside me.  It was Mid April when I read that.  I wrote to her a last email letting her know what could have been for her with the love I had to offer her, wrote abut some of the great times we had and then I ended it by telling that she is right, Silence is a killer but as much as I loved her I will not allow her to kill me.  I wished her well in finding the "perfect" man as eventhough I did EVERYTHING  humanly posible for her, she always had things to point to me that were wrong with me while she of course we perfect.

I told myself enough is enough.  There is no way in hell a sick, disordered, ungrateful, spoiled and rotten 41 year old CHILD will ever get the upper hand on my mind and heart again after she is well aware of how painful ignoring someone is and she was ignoring me.  All of a sudden going past 4 days wasnt so hard anymore.  It is very true, NC gets easier the longer you go.  We live in the same small town and when we cross paths in our cars she practically stops her car to look at me.  I dont even look at her which prompted her to complain to a friend how I ignore her when we see each other.  I let him know that I tried many times to contact her and she ignored me, if I ever speak to her again it will be beause she contacted me as I will NEVER ever try again.  Im worth more than that and so are all of you.  Do I still love her?  I still love who I THOUGHT she was.  She is out there now flirting away with other men and her good looks while I stil suffer quite a bit over what she put me through during and after the relationship. 

I tell myself, for me disordered women like her are a dime a doze to find but for her to find a man with the heart and kindness and love that I had for her and was willing to give to her forever... .GOOD LUCK.  There will be TONS of men that will have some great sex with her hot body, but after a few times, they will kick her to the curb and then she will go back on FB and again complain about how men dont respect her.  Im in more pain than she is right now but the future looks one hell of a lot brighter for me than her.

  She will always be the true "Facebooker"

I wish you all the strength to get past this.

Love2give, I can tell from reading your post that you are a really good person and yes, it is correct that good solid caring committed people are not always easy to find. Look around at some of the names we members use here, let along reading our posts. I like what you said about knowing that you will be that same person moving forward where as your ex will remain stuck in her very same patterns and perhaps never find someone as good as you again. I know my ex will never find anyone who genuinely cared for him as a person the way that I did. I am assured of that. 

You seem to have done an impressive job gaining closure for yourself with the many attempts you made to contact during those months and then gaining the needed knowledge to stay NC long term.  Good for you and keep going strong with your healing.

And you know, regarding the ignoring thing. I can recall my ex saying way back in idealization that he absolutely HATED being ignored by others. He said it with such passion that his body language even showed me how much he meant that. I guess it was projection as he was forewarning me of who he was and the tactic he would then eventually use on me with deliberate purpose.

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KeepOnGoing
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« Reply #34 on: July 19, 2014, 08:26:13 AM »

Day 21 for me. No contact. Some days I feel stronger than others. I feel best when I do something healthy for myself, like running. Ran four miles the day before yesterday, and felt strong the rest of the day. Not feeling so strong today, but this thread helps. I am seeing so clearly that I was attracted to the illusion of who I thought she was. It makes me so sad that she's so tortured by her disorder, but I can't save her, and she obviously doesn't want me to. She's now in her world with nearly 500 followers on Instagram. She follows no one, so I guess she's being fed by all the showering of affection she gets from total strangers every time she posts a photo. Thank you all for being here and being real. At least my "followers" here are dealing with real issues. Peace, and have a strong day. Keep On Going. Seriously.
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« Reply #35 on: July 19, 2014, 10:58:30 AM »

i went back 7 times sometimes we broke up for a week sometimes for a month she never went to someone else but going back is the worse thing to do the cycles get shorter and the pain gets worse

i got depressed  and on meds she never admitted that she was the problem telling me that i was lucky to be with her and that a lot of her execs would take her back

we have been a part for 7 months now and 4 weeks with nc i am finally healing we getting a divorce and i never want to talk to her again

i am addicted to her and going to withdraw no hard feelings just want to be happy again and be in a normal realtionship
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #36 on: July 21, 2014, 05:21:51 PM »

Right, the primal emotion is love. Love for someone who doesn't love us back. But they might have - and they say they do (and then say they don't and so on... .) and that creates the huge problem.

I have experienced unrequited love. In fact I have had a Non exbf who did once love me tell me that he didn't love me anymore. Hurt like hell. But I knew he meant it and so I could eventually move on. I went N/C without ever knowing what that even was. Wouldn't have occured to me to contact him after he said "I don't feel about you that way anymore".

But here, now, this complete craziness. I have to tell myself he doesn't love me, he never will. I have to do all the hard work. He gets to jump in and out of love as he pleases. With me, with the ex, with the potential future girl. Why do I have to be the rational one and do the right thing? I am tired of always doing the right thing. Why can't I just be irrational and inundate him with texts and e-mails? Maybe I should. He also once mentioned that he likes to be pursued ( I know the other ex does) and that he likes "strong reactions".

But no, for today I will continue to be the sane one. Thank you for letting me vent.

Amigo,

You/ we have to try to be the rationale one bc we are dealing with irrational people.  You're correct when you cite your prior experience as hurtful but appropriately delivered providing some sense of closure.  Something that made sense.

The BPD r/s is more like this: Friendship, laughter, incredible mutual joy.  Perusing and seducing and inviting you all the way into a beautiful, safe, wide open relationship that is pure bliss.  Compete acceptance for the person which you are, compete mutual sharing and encouragement and caring. Compassion. Declarations and signs and symbols pointed out in every direction of this persons total and devoted love.  For you! Only you! More growing and connecting and sharing and safety and full wide open love.  They want to share everything with you. They want you to share all the good and important moments of their life with you.  They bring a sense of color to another wise black and white world.  They seems to not only love you.  But respect you. They love you in a way that would never ever seem false.  Ever. Then.  The switch is pulled. Literally.  You are in the dark in what seems like a second. 

You are devalued, split, recycled, distanced, dissociated from, forgotten and abandoned.  And never once in that horrible cycle are the words or even the respect to provide any sense of compassion, caring, or closure for the non. 

Thats why we now have to be the rationale one.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #37 on: July 21, 2014, 06:14:36 PM »

Thank you Caredverymuch. Having this dialogue with you helps me stay on the track of sanity.

The way you described it is pretty much exactly what happened for me. With a few red flags thrown in here or there. But that complete sharing and wanting to be only with me... .Almost agressively planning a future with me... .(since I was always the rational one urging him to slow down)

And now I am only good for a random text. I am a piece of trash, that may or may not be recycled.

Thank you for listening.

Amigo, I was the rationale one too. Confident, in control being level headed.  I recall having very frank conversations on deep subjects. Easily. We shared openly and he aggressively was not only perusing a future with me, he got me to slowly start to believe it was real.  I was the one holding back there in all the beauty saying this is maybe not for me.  You know they sense that.  Then they pull harder.  They bring you over to the other side of that wall of logic and self rationale.  Remember they dont do boundaries. Which too feels really endearing in the idealization phase. So whats not to believe.  We know the red flags now.  But then? They were drenched in the sweetest form of pure love that we forgot to trust our instinct.

You are not trash nor good for a mere text to check in on supply source. You are worth a million times more than that as everyone on this board is. 

That what we allow continues.  Take back the reins. Take back the control.  Join me in radical acceptance.   

And move forward. 
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thereishope
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« Reply #38 on: July 21, 2014, 06:15:32 PM »

love2give,

Your post was very therapeutic for me to read just now for some reason.  It put word to some of the feelings I didn't know I was having.  Thanks for sharing.  It is good to just stop for a second and just realize that by God's grace, I have become a better person than I ever was, and that I truly have had my husband's best in mind.  I am not worthless, incapable, completely irritating and inadequate in every way... .I have been patient and kind and loving and willing to do just about anything to make him happy.  I can't help that it just can't seem to be done.  

Thanks again.  God bless!
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« Reply #39 on: July 22, 2014, 01:32:13 PM »

 

Remember, NC is a tool you can use to give yourself time to heal.  You can keep it in this state for as long as you want or need. It isn't a "punishment" - like giving the silent treatment.  It is for you.

As for Facebook or other social media... .yeah, I would suggest you discontinue access.  All you are doing is torturing yourself.  That is what it really boils down to.

As for:

Excerpt
I also realised that I do not/did not miss her as a person, but I miss the fantasy of what we could've had.

I agrree... .and disagree.  Yeah - you do miss the "fantasy" of what you could of had (or what you thought you had)... .but you miss her as well.  Don't short change yourself.  Your emotions and memories are real - so don't ever try to kick yourself into thinking that they are not.

As for:

Excerpt
Today my therapist said, that it is good to read and educate about BPD but it is very important not to use BPD as an exuse for the BPD's behaviour.

BRAVO!  A lot of people get this part wrong. They think "oh... .my SO is disordered... .it isn't their fault!"  They aren't brain dead zombies just acting on instinct to want to eat your brain and have no concept of the pain and anguish which is being caused. 

As for:

Excerpt
And that we should think about us - wounded us. Not victims, but persons who've lost something, who've been seriously affected by BPD.

Well... .I agree and disagree.  Mostly - hell to the yeah we are victims!  They "did it" to us... .so how can you not see that we have been vicimized?  That's like saying "oh, someone broke into my house and stole all my stuff but I"m not a victim!"  Bullcrap. 

Now... .if we allow ourself to stay holed up in our house afraid to ever leave again... .well... .that's is acting like a victim and getting a victim mentality going on (which sucks... .so don't do that).  But the reality is - we have been seriously affected and lost stuff because we are/were victims to their behavior.  WHeter we stay in that role or not is totally up to us... .I choose not to. 

I hope you do as well.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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seeking balance
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« Reply #40 on: July 22, 2014, 02:35:40 PM »

So, I missed threads 1 & 2 on NC - but this is a topic that is brought up often over the years... .

Remember, NC is a tool you can use to give yourself time to heal. 

Exactly - it is nothing more or nothing less than this.  It is not a magic cure for all those crappy feelings and contact sometimes even soothes those crappy feelings... .not the most healthy way, but it can work for some.

At the end of the day, we all must feel our pain - the level of which we  hurt is different based on the baggage WE bring to the relationship and the POWER we give that relationship to have miraculously healed our baggage.  Coupled with a  Disney dream of "happily ever after" - these relationships take some time and space to heal from.

Our love and our intensity is real for us - it is real for them too - we simply have different ways of coping with grief.

I also realised that I do not/did not miss her as a person, but I miss the fantasy of what we could've had.

Grieving a fantasy is the same work and process of grieving anything else - because we all believed what we had was real.  As others have said, including your T - this is very much a loss and sometimes the loss of a dream is even harder because we tie so much worth into it.

Keep posting, keep processing - it really does get better.

Peace,

SB
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #41 on: July 22, 2014, 03:08:14 PM »

Malwa

When my BPD dumped me I kept saying i would rather be alone than with her. My therapist told me not to think this way. If I kept saying "alone" that would make being with her sound so much better even though she was verbally abusive and toxic to me. By saying alone I wasn't allowing my mind any other  options. Alone is such a strong and powerful word.  It can influence and make us feel isolated and lonely. When I stopped using alone in my speech it helped a.ton.

Also recently my BPD had an episode. She was verbally abusive. It was a side of her I hadn't seen in well over a year. When I saw her carrying on something in me switched. She is no longer this beautiful woman to me. I mean she is beautiful. Like drop dead gorgeous beautiful. But when she was ranting I just saw this ugly person. Now when i look at her or think of her that's all I see... .That ugly person.  I guess i am lucky. It seems to be making detachment easier.  Maybe if you can distort your picture of her in your mind that will help with detaching. Just a thought.
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« Reply #42 on: July 24, 2014, 02:57:24 PM »

I have been NC since Saturday.  Prior to that was two weeks of her declaring she missed me and wanted a future.  Prior to that several months of LC and not hearing from her.  Which to be honest, was much better than hearing BS about wanting to be together, missing me, and wanting a future.

I have felt so much anger lately and been dealing with this finally as the real pain of a real breakup and no hope for a future.  It's only been NC for 5 days now.  I am maintaining it because I realize no good would come of it. 

The vampire would just suck the life out of me!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Alex86
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« Reply #43 on: July 31, 2014, 01:07:49 PM »

So after almost two months my ex contacted me yesterday... .I felt my heart beating again at a very fast rate.

I tried to be "civilized" and picked up my phone. The reason for contact was that she still cares for me,

she thinks of me and she doesn't want to lose me from her life. She almost begged me to go for some coffee.

She sounded more thoughtful telling me that she will understand if this is difficult for me (to go out for coffee).

I don't know what to do. I have been thinking of her all day. I can't kept her out of my mind.
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« Reply #44 on: August 01, 2014, 06:12:08 PM »

I have such strong desire to contact her, that the only thing I could think of to do is to post it here instead. Today was a day of mixed feelings. I missed the good times initially, but it started to change in to anger and sadness. I'm 100% certain she has recycled her ex. The last time we spoke - almost two weeks ago - I confronted her about it. However, she would not only deny, but turn it around. She was hurt and offended by the very notion. I let it go after that, because I knew she would never admit it. Even after I've seen the evidence right in front of me. She was trying to fix it with him when we were still together. It made me angry.

It was the realization that I meant absolutely nothing to her that brought the sadness. I was simply a replacement. It was just convenient that I was there, twice. I wanted to tell that she should be ashamed of herself, using a person like that. She should be ashamed of all the lying and manipulating. Not only to me, but to everyone. She would manipulate and lie to a mutual acquaintance who we worked together with. She admitted to that she was using her to get work done, only to drop of the face of the earth after she was done with her. She admitted how she lied to her parent and manipulated them to get away with all kinds of things. She is simply a terrible person and I wanted to tell her that. Eventhough I'm certain she has this terrible disorder.

However, I keep telling myself that she very much meant the beautiful things she said to me, at that moment. It just changed in one day. Like my therapist says. She saw something in me, she might still do. Her emotions are just too extreme and can change at any moment. I do not miss the moments when we would be joking around one minute and the next she would be giving me the silent treatment.

In the end I know that telling her would enable her. I'd show myself to be a weak person.
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« Reply #45 on: August 02, 2014, 02:17:18 AM »

i broke the NC after 17 days, i'm so sorry and feel like s hit... .

i was triggered by my friend asking of her, who is she with now bla bla. i looked at he FB profile and wasn't surprised of anything... .she's in the triangulation with her ex and a new victim girl (she told me she doesn't have anything with her and don't want anything with her- LOL LOL LOL).

SHE IS NEVER GONNA CHANGE.

i'm an idiot for not letting go completely.

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« Reply #46 on: August 03, 2014, 12:53:57 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic.

Please feel free to start a new thread.
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« Reply #47 on: August 03, 2014, 08:42:12 PM »

I guess what I am afraid of is am I really any different from her?  I know my smile and laugh were pasted on and were cover up for the pain and hurt. But what was her smile about? Was she really having fun or was she covering her hurt and pain? 

Or are questions like this how we drive ourselves crazy?  I went through this last summer with her. I don't know if I can handle another summer in pain like that. This week is especially hard cause a group comes thru town and in this group is the man that she supposedly married last summer. What if she takes off with him again?  I can't go thru it again.

They mostly do not process emotion like a non. They have the incredible ability to detach and move on even after very long term relationships. They always have back up... .they have back up their back up. Shes giving you as much thought as she gives her toaster.

===================================================================

Im having a really hard time with this statement.  This is not true.  They dont all ways have backups.  Some people with this illness hardly have any friends at all.  There are some that have back ups,  but they are not all like this.  its just adding more pain to everyone's fire to group them as ALL being the same like this.



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« Reply #48 on: August 06, 2014, 07:26:47 AM »

Soo... .I want to think I have ended the r/s with my ex a few minutes ago after contact and having been NC 2.5 months.

She had contacted me the previous week because she had seen me accidentally and wanted to see how I was and that she cared for me.

I almost thought we can be together again but she was clear: only friends.

This as a matter of fact made things somehow easier for me. I didn't like it and told her we can't be just friends if we can't be a couple.

So we agreed that we can't be together and stop contact. At the end of the phone call, she told me she loves me and I also said I love her.

I have a feeling of freedom but mixed with bitterness and pain and a bad taste in my mouth. I have this dreadful thought what if I find no one to love me.

Starting NC again.

Alex,

Mine would ask if we could be friends nd I would say no. I would tell he  That I couldn't be friends with her and we couldn't have a relationship if we weren't a couple. I didn't want to hear about who she was sleeping with and I didn't want to hear about her kids. It would be to hard for me. She always said I don't understand why it has to be all or nothing with you. Usually after a day or two of not hearing anything from her she would text me and say she loves me and wants to be with me and only me. So be careful of a recycle. It can be coming your way. So prepare how you 're going to respond and how you are emotionally going to handle that text or call if you get it.  Because it's never truly over with a BPD.

Yeah I'm aware of that but I don't think it will happen. I feel the connection has been lost for both us.

Though I'm thinking again the conversation. Even if the conversation was short I again feel hurt.

At first she confessed me that she had made me to handle too many difficult issues. Which is so so so true. Of course she didn't say sorry.

In our previous contact I had "accused" her she hadn't tried enough for our r/s. Towards the end of the conversation, she said she tried as much as she could. Immediately I thought that this was another attempt not to lose control and be good with herself trying to play the victim. Like she wasn't enough for me or I demanded too many things. I didn't comment on that.

Another thing that hurt me is when she said that even if we wanted so much to be together, our love wouldn't be enough. There should also be other things in order for the r/s to work out. I also didn't ask what other things since that would be pointless. In the end, she said she loved me.  But of course she leaves me. What person on earth would leave the person she says she loves? Don't they understand that love isn't to be found so easily?

Crazy stuff indeed.

Alex,

Your conversation sounds so much like the conversation between me and my BPD. It is a scary. I always thought mine was done too... .five Yeats down the road and we are still back and forth.  Hang in there and really think if this is the life you want. I am going on five years and it sucks. I often think what my life would be like if I just walked away the first time.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #49 on: August 08, 2014, 02:17:32 PM »

Just starting at day 1, ya'll. I was at day 4 or 5 and then she contacted me yesterday, only to say it was a mistake. So here we go again. day 1. I'm angry and hurt and miss her all at once.
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merm49

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« Reply #50 on: August 15, 2014, 11:15:41 PM »

Of course everyone's situation is different, but I'm wondering if the BPDex will ever stop contacting you even after you've cut it, specifically from those members who don't have a child with the BPDex?

Knew her for a year this week, together for 8 months, another 1.5 of broken up/together but not together (her words), 5 weeks of NC initiated by me with sporadic attempts to cut even that short.  Long email declaring her love for me, meet her, find out she had sex with someone else the night before and day of meeting me.  Told her I never care to speak to her again and we're done done.  She said well don't you want e to tell my mom (she's from a conservative Muslim country and hadn't yet told her parents about me, always a sticking point with me once things got serious) and I said no, because it doesn't matter anymore.

Last night I had a dream she contacted me, checked my trash folder on email and sure enough there it was: "As promised, I talked to my mom about you.  I didn't tell her everything but did tell her how much we care(d) about each other.  Do you want to know what she said".  In many ways its the same attempt to contact me that there have always been, whether its I really need to talk to you, I have something to give you, I don't feel well, Do you want to know.  It's sad and sick, really, and oh so predictable.

I am in an MA program and on low-dose chemo for a non-cancerous but serious condition (fortunately I don't have too invasive side effects).  In large part due to her behavior, I want to finish my four remaining courses this term and be done, but I think the logical decision is to stick it out for two terms so I have ample time to rest up/recover from the drugs and don't push myself too hard.  But this is just so annoying, frustrating, etc and I'm guessing it just won't stop.  She seems to be able to go about 10-20 days without contacting me, and then when I do speak with her, she takes out her anger on me by ___ing somebody else Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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Aussie JJ
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 866


« Reply #51 on: August 17, 2014, 06:08:52 AM »

Narellan,

I hope you enjoyed your holiday.  Horrible what they do to you.  Such a sad existence where to validate themselves they have to hurt others. 
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Aussie JJ
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Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 866


« Reply #52 on: August 17, 2014, 06:43:26 AM »

I am in general.  I know too much about BPD and it has been getting me down a bit. 

My major thing at the moment has been personally changing a lot of my circumstances.  Improving my circumstances and loving it.  So hard making those changes. 

I've decided on a holiday when all of this is over a bit like you have done.  Still doing my walks in the dandenong ranges and because my knees hurt I bought a bike!  Essentially aside from the exBPDgf everything is starting to improve a lot for me. 

Life is getting better outside of the BPD spin cycle.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Aussie JJ
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Posts: 866


« Reply #53 on: August 17, 2014, 05:46:52 PM »

kc,

I do a personal inventory at the end of every week. 

Don't say NC now, set a goal of what you want back, use BIFF or SET communications, get your stuff then jump into NC. 

It feels so much better having that control over everything by going, met all my goals.  NOW for initiation of NC.  I have ZERO reason to contact her now, everything has been exchanged. 

Its liberating. 
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Aussie JJ
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Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 866


« Reply #54 on: August 18, 2014, 02:49:27 AM »

Well, 

At the start again, for me end of day #45!  Pretty good day after the weekend I was able to logic my way through it, the emotion side with some events that transpired. 

To anyone reading this, this is my AA counting the day's thread for BPDA!, it has been really helpful for me!  I am sorry it is now up to the 5th thread (NOT) and I invite you to count the days with other like minded members. 

It is fantastic knowing others are going through this and being able to relate to them as they work through the process of detaching from their toxic relationships. 

Links to previous threads for anyone  who wants to go back and read the comments of those before them. 

Thread #1

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228426.0

Thread #2

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229136.0

Thread #3

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229649.0

Thread #4

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230299.0

Know that your not alone and it does get better!


AJJ.
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Narellan
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« Reply #55 on: August 18, 2014, 05:09:13 PM »

5 months for me with the exception of one brief text message last week to request he remove photos of me he had published on his web page. It was necessary and blunt, I threatened legal action if he didn't remove them. My T spoke to the police about it who said it was stalking behaviour and I could act on it if I chose to.

I believe he wanted to pull me back into any form of contact so I chose not to pursue it when he removed the photos. So a slight cheat from my end but I still made a statement that I did not want contact or him in my life under any disguise.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #56 on: August 19, 2014, 01:13:58 AM »

NC Day 1 is over! Feeling okay, pretty good actually. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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NorthLight
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WWW
« Reply #57 on: August 19, 2014, 06:32:58 AM »

Congratulations to everyone that manage to stay NC! Smiling (click to insert in post)

From what I have read (and experienced), if we try to contact them (for closure or because we miss them... ) we do not get in contact with the person that once loved us, and that can give us what we seek.

I have been NC for 5 weeks +- now and I miss her like hell every morning, but any form for contact and I get back on day 1 after being dumped, so I know NC is the only way for me.

I wish I could move on, I am really tired... Good luck every one, I am so glad I found this place
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« Reply #58 on: August 19, 2014, 07:37:05 AM »

18 days nc/lc so far. Allthough i see her every day at work and she asks me work related questions sometimes.

It is really hard somedays. Not hearing from her sounds like she never cared for me and that is rough on me.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #59 on: August 19, 2014, 08:59:16 AM »

This is a really good idea for a thread.

I haven't spoke to mine & want to. It's tough.

5 mos NC. Some days are hard, esp when I see him.  But, I truly have realized the person I loved is not the real person who exists everyday.  I am glad to be out if the toxic push pull and everyday away has made healthier and restoring my sense of self. Keep up the good work peeps!    Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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