The craziest thing is happening.

[Karmachameleon]

I joined this board because of my dBPDexbf and not because of my uBPDex husband.  I was able to detach from my ex husband because we were married for 10 years and I probably spent the last 3 or 4 of them going through the process of getting over him while we were still together because he was never home and we never had any positive interaction and I just focused on raising our son.  He painted me black a few years into our marriage and it just stayed that way, but he never decided to leave and neither did I.  So, by the time I left I was never wishing for him to change or for things to get better.  I finally had to leave because we were so broke I couldn't take proper care of our son anymore.  However, I was VERY angry and jealous of him because he was free to run around doing whatever he wanted and I was stuck living at my mother's house with a young (special needs) child.  He had destroyed me financially and emotionally and I was severely bitter and depressed and overwhelmed.  Drinking every night, etc.  But, a few months later I met my recent bpbf and he gave me things to be happy about and things to look forward to, and of course we were "absolutely perfect for each other" ... .  I've run that story into the ground.  But anyway, long story short, the crazy thing is that my ex husband and I have been divorced for 3 and a half years and the entire time he has only seen our son for a few hours once a week or sometimes every other week if he had better things to do, never looked me in the face, never said anything nice to me, acted as if I wasn't speaking if I asked a question, never gave me credit for anything I do for our son, bad mouthed me to anyone and everyone including check out people at the grocery store, got behind $3,000 in child support, the list goes on.  BUT NOW after 10 years of barely any employment while we were married now he has a great job, a nice house and a new BMW.  He used to sleep all day and smoke pot, now he gets up at 8:30 and goes to the gym and eats organic, GMO free, etc.  I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  Anyway, my point is that you can never let your guard down because after almost 4 years of this and NC/LC all of a sudden out of NOWHERE he is being SUPER nice to me. Like, really really nice.  It's a little creepy.  Like he just magically forgot everything.  He will sit and chit chat when he drops our son, makes jokes, compliments me, looks me sincerely in the eyes, sends me random texts of things he thinks I would like, etc.  It is VERY confusing.  But it goes to show just how their minds can work and also how well they can adapt and appear to be "getting better".  I mean, maybe he did get better on his own?  It's unlikely, right?  I know he didn't do therapy or anything.  Maybe it's a phase, but he seems very different than he used to be.  So so weird.  I never expected this or saw it coming and I can't even wrap my brain around it.  I was way past acceptance in this situation.  But I am sad and vulnerable because of my bf breakup so for a brief moment something in the back of my head said, "Maybe we could have worked things out... ."  REALLY?  I seriously think I need a lobotomy.

[Mutt]

Like he just magically forgot everything.

It's the disorder. Disassociation, remembering things differently, amnesia.

Dissociation may affect memory creation or retrieval, any aspect of sensory input and interpretation, the capacity to execute motor functions such as movement or speech, and the emotional coloring of experience. The cognitive and emotional aspects of experience can be separated in more than one way. The perception of one's surroundings may be robbed of all emotional tone as in depersonalization. On the other hand, emotion can so dominate consciousness that it blots out current reality as might occur in the flashbacks that occur in Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Most of the dissociative disorders that have been defined are well-circumscribed in scope and may, in turn, originate with a single intense or traumatic emotional experience. There may be amnesia covering a specific event or period of time. There may be a discrete alteration of sensory input, such as tunnel vision or even an episode of psychogenic blindness (often interpreted as an unconscious unwillingness to view something painful). Motor functions may be affected as in the paralysis of a limb or an inability to speak (which may be understood as unconscious recognition that something is unspeakable). Such alterations of sensory or motor functions that are not based upon physical diseases characterize the conversion disorders along with pseudo seizures and other non-organic neurological dysfunctions. There may even be apparent alterations of the individual's usual cognitive abilities.

Any of the dissociative symptoms may occur in BPD. Dissociative experiences are a hallmark of BPD. They are generally more varied, more complex, and often more persistent than the single symptoms that characterize many dissociative disorders. All people with BPD dissociate. Only some people who dissociate have BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0

Anyway, my point is that you can never let your guard down because after almost 4 years of this and NC/LC all of a sudden out of NOWHERE he is being SUPER nice to me. Like, really really nice.  It's a little creepy.  Like he just magically forgot everything.  He will sit and chit chat when he drops our son, makes jokes, compliments me, looks me sincerely in the eyes, sends me random texts of things he thinks I would like, etc.  It is VERY confusing.

It is confusing when you are split and you feel like you are idealized and put on a pedestal or denigrated and undervalued. It's not about you, I'm sorry Karmachame it is about him. You mentioned he's more successful with his personal life. What's the backstory on the women and relationships?

It's out of nowhere, you're not split black anymore, you're split white.

[Karmachameleon]

As far as the backstory with women and relationships, there really isn't one unless I'm just completely clueless and he is a master at hiding it.  My ex husband had a bazillion BPD behaviors, but cheating wasn't one of them.  Unless I'm totally missing something.  He was a real "guy's guy" and his main objective was male bonding and hanging out with his guy friends and impressing them. He wasn't confident around women. And as far as I know my ex boyfriend was also faithful, but at this point nothing would really shock me with either of them.  But I know this isn't typical, so maybe I'm way off.  I am not the jealous type, so maybe I missed some red flags.  And to be honest, I'm the one who actually cheated on my ex husband after a year and a half of him never being home and never talking to me.  It was wrong and I hate that I did it.

[Karmachameleon]

But me cheating was all the ammo he needed to justify anything he did for the next nine years... .

[Mutt]

Your exBPDh would have projected, blame shifted, and disassociated anything. From my experience with my ex, anything that wasn't to her liking, however old or ancient history it was, it's still brought to the forefront. They never let go  

I had to pick up my kids and my S2 had a gash on his head and blood was trickling down. I could tell it was very dry and the replacement was home but didn't come to the door. My D8 had answered the door. I was upset and called ex. She brought up something about my S6 being injured years ago and it was my fault. I can't recall an incident with him but she was disassociating, lying. She likely felt guilt for having gone to work hours previous and the replacement hadn't cleaned him up.

Do you feel guilt for having cheated on him and being divorced now?

When I ask about women, it sounds like he is trying to validate an attachment to him. He's looking to see if you're available. You are vulnerable likely having been recently broken up with your xBPDbf. This could be a potential disaster.

[Karmachameleon]

I do feel bad for having cheated on him, but I also realize that it was over a decade ago and I have more than tried to make amends and all the subsequent things he did to me hurt way worse.  I know why I did it and how I was feeling at the time, which doesn't make it right, but I learned my lesson and will truly never cheat on anyone ever again.  It's not worth it.  Yeah, you're right about it being a possible disaster.  Yesterday he sent me a long rambling text trying to sound enlightened.  As part of his BPD not-having-an-identity thing, right now he is a wannabe hippie who does yoga and shops at Whole Foods. (In the past he's been many other things)  So he sent me this long text about peace and love and understanding and us forgetting the past and focusing on the next phase of life together and to be our son's strength, blah blah blah.  So, I decided to test out something I learned on this page about how they never apologize.  So I sent a short text back, "thanks, I appreciate that.  I am truly sorry for the pain I may have caused you."  His response... ."I know you are."    I really did just laugh out loud typing that.  So anyway, thanks universe for confusing the heck out of me at a time when I was already confused enough.  That's pretty weird about your ex and your kid's injury.  So typical, though.  You just can't win.  Unless you happen to be randomly painted white out of nowhere for no particular reason.  Then you can't lose.  Temporarily... .  So weird.  I suppose he could freak out on me at any minute.  In better news, still NC with ex bf, so that's progress.  He had been emailing me, but stopped.

[Mutt]

Oh I have a lot of stories that I could throw in the weird pile I had this conversation lately with my somewhat estranged SD15 (exes firstborn). To make a long story short her and Queen/Witch mom have been triggering each other and ex kicked her out, SD15 doesn't want go back home. She has a lot of her own FOO issues and no support from her family other than me.

She's been feeling guilt over partying and doing drugs and she's trying to go back to school, she's struggling. She is getting chastised by mom and her family for being a bad girl, yet they are the people fuelling that pain and are too narcissistic to empathize.  Really my SD15 is soothing years of emotional abuse is the way I see it and she's being judged instead of getting help to get to the source of the issue. She is a young woman that doesn't deserve what life has handed her and is confused. Really tough things that aren't her fault due to a Queen BPD mother.

I told her that what she's been doing doesn't constituted her as a bad person. We all make mistakes. She has a lot of positive qualities and virtues and people sometimes get mixed up in life. We are the sum of the good and the bad, we are somewhere in the grey area. I told her to not be hard on herself, I know you're struggling but you are a good young woman, you own that despite of the hardships.

Forgive yourself Karmachameleon because I sense you still feel a little bad about exH. You asked for forgiveness. There's nothing that you can do, you made a mistake and you need to let it go and forgive yourself. We all make mistakes and mistakes does not quantify the sum of who and what we are. To err is human.

Unless you happen to be randomly painted white out of nowhere for no particular reason.

You are right. It's a disorder and exH has no control splitting either way, black or white. It's alluring with all of the friendliness and confusing because of 4 long years where the man could not see any positive virtues and made-up black or self perceived notions of you. It's a coping defense mechanism for him due to a disorder, but don't forget that 4 years. He can't see that middle ground, a pwBPD really struggle in this area. Your either all good or all bad.