Dignity

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've asked myself the questions what exactly it is that kept me trying, hoping or someone not closing the door completely for my exBPDgf and keeping low contact.

I feel the main reason is the fact she dumped me in an aweful way, after that she kept contacting me and wanting to remain friends and subtile dropping some flirting lines which she knew that would keep the candle burn.

I realized now that it is "dignity" what i lost in her and tried to get back from her... .Obviously this will never happen. But its a huge step for me to come to this conclusion and to know were to focus on for myself.

Ofcourse i let it happen, i contributed the circles, aware of the fog and I learned from it.

Can someone give me ideas on how to work on dignity?

[icecream]

I've asked myself the questions what exactly it is that kept me trying, hoping or someone not closing the door completely for my exBPDgf and keeping low contact.

I feel the main reason is the fact she dumped me in an aweful way, after that she kept contacting me and wanting to remain friends and subtile dropping some flirting lines which she knew that would keep the candle burn.

I realized now that it is "dignity" what i lost in her and tried to get back from her... .Obviously this will never happen. But its a huge step for me to come to this conclusion and to know were to focus on for myself.

Ofcourse i let it happen, i contributed the circles, aware of the fog and I learned from it.

Can someone give me ideas on how to work on dignity?

[enlighten me]

By not rising to the bait she puts out.

By following your moral values.

By being the best person you can be.

By being an example to others.

By working hard and achieving your goals.

By realising she hasn't taken your dignity she just buried under the clutter that is her confused personality.

Those any good for starters?

[AwakenedOne]

By expecting and requiring more from your partner.

By not believing anyone is better than you.

By not participating in the game/manipulation.

By not giving anyone else power over you.

By understanding that you have the ultimate power of going NC with your ex if you choose.

[icecream]

Thank you both for your help!

Yes, it is all in my hands what to do with my life, what to expect from a partner or a friend and to live a life towards happiness without the drama of a borderline ex.

No excuse for not taking that chance in live... .some days are easier as others and thats why guidelines and forums like this helps a lot.

[Tausk]

IMHO, Dignity, grace, self esteem... .start with a true sense of self.  As 2010 said and I agree, it was the false self that was mirrored.  So when the mirrored shattered, part of my desperate  attempts to reengage was the attempt to rebuild the false self.

So when I don't let go, the toxic shame builds.  So I've had to let go of the false self, and look at my real self.  And part of that is to list out my attribute and the areas that I want to work on and read them regularly.  And I also pray to whom/whatever to help me move forward.

But it's the recognition of my attributes that have mattered.  I'm a good son, a good sibling, a man of character, a man of integrity, a man of service, a good friend, and good companion, a hard worker (at times)... .And my flaws are not due to an evil nature, but the very real flaws of being human and growing up with trauma. 

And when I know deep inside who I really am... .not the false self... .then dignity, self esteem, and serenity also have fertile soil in which to grow in my soul.

It's maybe more of a personal inventory response.  Hang in there,

T

[irishmarmot]

Once you have put enough distance between yourself and your expwBPD the fog will lift and you will see clearly.   You will no longer believe the lies that were told you.  You will be free, to be the good person that you are.  Ypu will meet someone who will uplift you intead of trying to bring you down.  You will be wiser and be able to see how tolerant loving and patient you are.  You will learn some truths about yourself that will help you in your next relationship.   You have a bright future ahead of you altough you may only see pain today.  You will have your dignity back.

[OutOfEgypt]

Find a therapist.  Feel the righteous indignation of what she did to you.  Feel the pain of the loss.  That sense of "dignity lost" is your reaction to the indignation and pain you felt but buried in order to survive in the relationship.  There's a song that has a great line in it, because it rings so true "I sold my voice to pay for my security."  It's time to break your voice back out of the pawn shop.  Dignity is not lost.  It's buried.