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Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
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Topic: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room (Read 2888 times)
theplotthickens
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 210
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #30 on:
July 09, 2014, 10:00:32 PM »
I have been away from the boards for a few days, and so I am just reading this whole thread! I completely understand the exhaustion that comes from continual drama, living with a person who is committed to being at war with everyone and everything, and treatments that don't seem to work and sometimes make our kids worse. It is hard to hang on sometimes. All of this uses up a lot of energy and the most important resource we have: HOPE. My prayer for you is that you would receive a little bit of HOPE from someone or something this week!
It sounds like your intuition told you that law enforcement was necessary and that is exactly what happened. Maybe you were prepared in some way beforehand. What a wild week you have had! You are very insightful, and your daughter is lucky to have a mom that is still tuned in after all you have been through! I applaud you for holding your boundaries, and living your values. I hope that your daughter can gain some insight from getting arrested, and that you will have some peace about what the new plan is.
Our daughters might be similar enough that I will share something with you; it may or may not apply to your situation. It helped my daughter when I told her that no matter how 'bad' she was (she was being as bad as she could be in hopes that I would kick her out) I was not sending her to live somewhere else. Lots my daughter's big and bad behavior is the magical belief that her problems will magically disappear with new surroundings. She also had the goal of being so bad that I would kick her out. In her mind, being big and bad has lost some of the payoff as she knows it is futile. I won't kick her out, will call the police/social worker/crisis line and hold her accountable. It has worked to reduce her acting out, where other plans have failed. Just throwing that one out there, as sometimes the craziest things work better for our kids than conventional wisdom.
I am so glad to hear you are receiving support, and believe it or not, having witnesses to your daughter's behaviors is a real plus in getting that support! So many times my daughter has denied, blamed and conned professionals, which has only reinforced her behaviors. This whole thing may turn out to be a blessing in disguise.
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Let us know how you are doing.
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Our objective
is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to
learn the skills
to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
jellibeans
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1726
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #31 on:
July 10, 2014, 12:15:13 AM »
Tonight as I type this I can hear dd crying in her room. I have checked her many times and offered help but she tells me she is fine. I asked my older d why dd17 was crying and she told me they had a talked about what had happened and that dd17 had come to say she was sorry. My older d is angry with her for how she has behaved and was probablly very honest about her feelings. Dd17 looks up to her sister and I think it has hit her pretty hard.
We went to her T today and she came out with a couple of plans. One being regular drug testing so she can get some of her freedom back and be able to go out. Thought that was an interesting plan so we will consider that going forward. Her understanding or what went on is distorted. She feels very proud of herself right now or at least she did earlier today. She is blaming everyone for what happened and our conversations today were interesting. I did finally ask her what exactly is she prepared to take responsibility for and she said smoking drugs. I guess that is a start.
She didn't like the out patient program and was very irritated when I picked her up. The group had two other girls that were very young... .maybe 14. She had a hard time relating to them. Their biggest issue was not having their phone at night. DD feels her issues are bigger and she needs to talk with people her own age. We are going back tomorrow for the parent involvement and I hope I can get a better feel for the program. She has also agreed to go to another program just geared towards alcohol and drug abuse which meets on Friday night.
I do think dd puts on a good front and that she is just struggling right now at how to return to the place she was before all this. It is hard to see her so sad. I think I will make sure she knows that she is loved and that it is not her we don't like... .it is her actions. She likes to pretend to be the badass but I know that comes from fear and lack of skills to know how to deal with certain situations.
I am trying to get my hope back... .thanks theplotthickens for reminding me of that... .it is so important to have hope. I could never kick my child out of my home but everyone has their limits.
healingspirit... thanks for the support... .for me seeing her mug shot on the internet site of the jail is something that will forever stay with me... .it is hard to rid yourself of those images.
pessim... .I feel sometime that we have hit bottom but she seems to always find a new bottom... .I can't help think this adds to her shame and I think that is what is the worst for her. For someone to have such a poor self image to begin with then pile more on top is got to be hard.
I am better today and slept good last night. I just have a hard time going to sleep when dd is crying. I hope tomorrow is a better day for us all. Thanks everyone for your advise and kind words... .it really has been very hard but it helps to post here with people that understand. My friends are supportive but they just don't know what to say or do and the sad truth is there is really nothing they can do to help.
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theplotthickens
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 210
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #32 on:
July 10, 2014, 08:22:36 AM »
One other thought... .has individual DBT been tried? My dd went twice a week, and the INDIVIDUAL skills-based therapy was great for her! Groups for her have been meh. Insurance did cover all of it, as my dd is considered very ill. Throwing another idea at ya!
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Elbry
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Posts: 109
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #33 on:
July 10, 2014, 09:01:18 AM »
I just wanted to send you a hug. You are always SO supportive of everyone here on the boards and I am sorry to see you are going through so much difficulty yourself.
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jellibeans
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Posts: 1726
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #34 on:
July 10, 2014, 09:28:55 AM »
theplotthickens... .she has been doing DBT therapy privately since dec 2012. That is when we started to see improvements. She did better for a year but her main trigger is when she loses a friend. Then she falls to pieces and becomes very impulsive. I don't think the hospital stay was of much help either. The med change has done nothing to stabilizer her. I am going to talk with her T again and see if she has anymore suggests. I am not sure going to her more times a week will help but I am willing to try that if this OPT is not a good match for her.
Elbry... .thank you for your kinds words... .since changing my name I have felt very lost here. I am not sure anyone knows me and that has contributed to my feelings of hopelessness. I have had to reduce my posts and right now I don't feel I have a whole lot to give when my own situation is so bad.
Today is another day and I hope my dd17 has a better one.
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HealingSpirit
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married 19 years.
Posts: 425
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #35 on:
July 10, 2014, 01:58:40 PM »
Quote from: jellibeans on July 10, 2014, 12:15:13 AM
It is hard to see her so sad. I think I will make sure she knows that she is loved and that it is not her we don't like... .it is her actions. She likes to pretend to be the badass but I know that comes from fear and lack of skills to know how to deal with certain situations.
Jellibeans,
You're such a wise, committed mom! And soo strong. I can't begin to imagine the pain you feel seeing your DD behave the way she does. I wish you lots & lots of hope. It sounds like your older DD has a rough time dealing with her sister, but at least you can see her "normalcy" as a reference that your excellent parenting skills do work!
Regarding the kids these days being proud to be "badass", I suspect our culture has contributed a lot lately. Is it just me, or are there actually MORE cable TV shows that glorify breaking the law? "Breaking Bad", "Orange is the New Black", and " Weeds" come to mind, to name a few. Even shows like "Paranormal" where they have badass vigilantes fighting demons could help glorify that "acting out" behavior. It's hard to combat all that societal reinforcement with good parenting alone. It seems to me, we're all parenting against the tide of society. Thank GOD we all have each other here!
Sending hugs, peace, and HOPE!
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Being Mindful
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Relationship status: Married for 28 years
Posts: 988
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #36 on:
July 10, 2014, 02:33:18 PM »
Hi Jellibeans, I'm just catching up on your thread. So sorry to hear how difficult things have been. You have been very busy with the care of your DD. Is there anyway you can take a bit of time for yourself. Do something good and soothing for yourself. Being Mindful
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jellibeans
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1726
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #37 on:
July 10, 2014, 06:36:39 PM »
went to the OPT today that was with parent involvement... .I think it is good and I am going to try and get as much out of it as possible. My dd17 is resistant and even went out of her way to doodle and pick at split ends rather than participate. I am hoping in time she will hear what is being said... .if anything it forces us to be together twice a week. She came home and went straight to bed. She really hates going and is looking for a way out. I felt attacked by her quite a bit and her defiancy just hung in the room. I am committed to going but it is hard to watch dd ignore what is being said and actually go out of her way to disrupt things.
being mindful... .at the end of the session we have to commit to a task and a soothing activity so I committed to going golfing... .I have a friend that has been asking every week and I have not been able to go but I am determined to go next week. I hope the temps are not too high... .my car said 105 degrees today!
healingspirit... .I think it is funny you mentioned those shows... .breaking bad is my favorite show. I don't think dd ever watched it but I was a fan. She has been watching Grey's anatomy which is probably okay. My older daughter has health issues and stress is not good for her. My dd17 does not take that into account and is a bit of a bully with her sister. My older d likes to keep the peace and follow the rules etc... .
this weekend I am going to try to take it easy and just relax. sit by the pool and do nothing.
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Being Mindful
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Relationship status: Married for 28 years
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Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #38 on:
July 10, 2014, 10:54:37 PM »
Sitting by the pool sounds nice. Can I join you? I'll bring the fru fru drinks with the pretty umbrellas!
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HealingSpirit
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married 19 years.
Posts: 425
Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #39 on:
July 11, 2014, 12:31:34 PM »
Golfing and sitting by the pool... .Good plan! Sending your favorite cocktail!
I went to my painting class last night, even though I was on the verge of tears all day and I didn't really feel like going. Once I started painting, I got into a "zone" where I didn't think about anything else. I had a great evening and I feel better today as a result. It helps to immerse yourself in an activity that forces you to stay in the moment.
Oops! Got a hair appointment. Gotta run!
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lever.
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Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #40 on:
July 11, 2014, 01:15:12 PM »
Hello jellibeans.
I have just been catching up with your thread and I am very sorry that you have been having such a difficult time recently.
You are doing a great job of being clear consistent and caring.
Your identity has become completely clear to me now and I am sure other people will recognize you-so there is some continuity for you.
You have been extremely supportive to other posters, myself included, in the past.
It is some time ago now but I have been in the position of having to call the police.
It was because I was fearful for my DD's safety and she was physically attacking me too.
It turned out to be the best thing I did as there was some control external to the family.
I only had to do it about 3 times and the frightening behaviour subsided. (It was something I was really reluctant to do.).
I hope you do manage to have a restful weekend and that the programme you are attending with your daughter helps.
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Our objective
is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to
learn the skills
to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Turkish
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Re: Part 1: Husband found marijuana in daughter17's room
«
Reply #41 on:
August 06, 2014, 10:28:36 PM »
This thread has reached its size limit. It is a worthwhile topic.
Please feel free to start a new thread.
Note: Continued here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=230543
.
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