And then she came for me?

[happydog921]

Hi all,

I have found this site to be so comforting because so much of what others are experiencing are echoed in my own life.   Thank you all for sharing your stores.

I'm new here.  I'm not 100% sure that my sister is BPD, but so much of what I've been reading here resonates that I'm thinking this might be the case.  My sis has always been ultra-sensitive and has had "issues" with so many folks I've lost count.  I can't make this a post that goes on and on, so I will focus on the last three episodes that directly involve me as a target.  She typically would find loose acquaintances or strangers to have issue with an verbally assault, but things have changed in recent years.

So episode 1 was about 2.5 years ago and I shrugged it off and took the abuse... .not knowing that it was the start of something more.  We were at my house with some of my friends and neighbors.  My sister had been talking about some rental properties in her neighborhood that had become problem houses and how the town we grew up in (where she still lives... .I'm in a town about 1.5 hrs away) was no longer the place of our childhoods.  When my neighbor (here on a green card, not a US citizen) stated that she wouldn't want to go to this town, my uBPDsis flipped out as if she was being personally insulted (after she herself described how awful our home town has become).  I was embarrassed and defused the situation enough to allow the neighbor to go home without a fight, but then the rest of the night for me was a barrage of insults and screaming and carrying on to the point where she made her husband wake their son and they left my home in the middle of the night to drive 1.5 hrs home.  I was irritated, but not deeply hurt.  Name calling is nonsense and does not particularly insult me.

Fast forward to episode 2, about 1.5 years later at my home.  I had a BBQ with family, friends and neighbors.  uBPDsis had been drinking heavily (as was the case with episode 1, that I hadn't mentioned) and I'd made the mistake of teasing her.  Now, mind you, our family has a very sarcastic humor and teasing is a common theme across the board.  Had I made this same tease on her at her home, I'd have gotten a chuckle and maybe a slap on the shoulder.  This time, in my home, it was EXPLOSIVE!  I witnessed her whole demeanor change and the nostrils flare and the anger start!  I knew the bomb went off, but what I didn't know was how big it would be!  uBPDsis spent the rest of the evening going off on tirades in front of our family, our friends, my friends, my neighbors and many children about what a horrible human being I am.  She spouted to all how I'm a bad mother, a bad sister, a bad wife, a bad friend, I buy the loyalties of anyone I'm associated with (BTW that is because I have a pretty good paying job)... .and on and on.  This post is long enough so I wont' go into gross detail.  Needless to say, the attack wasn't just name calling, but rather an attack on everything I hold near and dear.  Very intentionally hurtful, very directed at things she knows I've been sensitive about and, thus, very cruel.  I told her that I would not engage her in an argument and she screamed around the house that I won't "ENGAGE" her... .it was quite a show.  She came at me and came at me about not "engaging" her so much that I succumbed to the argument and asked her if what she really wanted was a fight.  I ended up face-to-face screaming with her and, in a moment of weakness, I pushed her away from me.  Another night she dragged herself, a friend, her son and her husband out in the middle of the night.

My mom was heartbroken (as I was, because I had considered my sister to be one of my best friends) and my dad wanted me to do what I could to "keep the peace" because he was critically ill and didn't want to think that we would be breaking up the family.  We were LC for a bit because my dad was very ill.  I made a huge mistake that led to episode 3... .I did what Mom and Dad wanted.  I thought it was the right choice.  I thought I was being the better person.  I thought I could forgive the episodes even though there was never an acknowledgement on uBPDsis's part of the extent of the verbal abuse she spouted very publically.

I was wrong.  I pretended for a good while and was very careful and close with anything I said or did in front of her for about a year or so (walking on eggshells). 

Last episode was about a month ago.  My uBPDsis knew that I was in the area of our home town on a day when she had a get together with her friends.  I felt I was in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation because she knew we were nearby.  I tried to talk my husband into stopping briefly at her house to keep the peace.  This was something I could do, but he could not.  I was irritated with hubby and went to sis's without him.  I took 5 minutes to gather myself in front of her home before going to the party in the back yard because hubby had me mad... .didn't want to go into a party as a downer and mad. Was talking with mom and BIL about being annoyed at hubby... .all of a sudden uBPDsis comes out to the street in front of her house and starts, once again, with screaming and insults and carrying on about how she'll never apologize and that she's been the one who's been treated poorly for the last 30 years and how dare I ruin her party (mind you, I never entered her home... .).  Once the shouting started, I simply walked away.  My mom lives about a half mile away and I walked there.  She then decided to attack my mom in front of all the folks at the party.  My mom brought my son and my nephew (uBPDsis's son) to her home after the tongue lashing.  At 3-4 AM uBPDsis barges into my mother's house and pulls her son out of bed screaming that he can't be in the same place as me and all the while telling my mom she's playing favorites and that everyone is against her... .so completely untrue.

Anyway, since this last episode, uBPDsis has not allowed her son to participate in an annual camp activity that he shares with my son.  This has been the last straw for me.  I cannot tell her what to do with her family and child, but I will not allow her to use my son as a pawn to hurt me.  I believe she's done this with both children.

I've gone NC.  I've had to for my own peace of mind.  I have a family that does not engage in personal attacks... .it's not to say we don't fight, but when we fight we fight fair. 

Although I am NC and I think I'm OK to stay this way for a while, I'm concerned about what effect uBPDsis's behavior is having on our mom and on her own family.  After episode 2, I tried to convince her husband to get her some anger management counseling before other relationships suffered, but he's an enabler and he says he has to support his wife no matter what... .and for him supporting means agreeing blindly (i.e. don't rock the boat).

Not sure what more I can do.  I do want to help her.  I love her and I hate that her anger has more or less destroyed our relationship.  I want to be able to help her stop these outbursts before she loses more than just me (already NC) and mom (very close to becoming NC).

Don't know what to do... .

[Linda Maria]

Hi Happydog!  so sorry for what you're going through - your story resonates with me - I too have a sister who is uBPD.  I've been tiptoeing around her my whole life, but was ok with it, though there have been the odd violent outbursts.  My Mum passed away last year, and soon after she really turned on me - spreading weird and nasty lies about me to mutual friends, making it impossible to sort out my Mum's estate and so on.  For a while I tried ignoring it, holding out olive branches etc, but to no avail.  I have found that virtual NC is the only thing that works.  It's a hard thing to do because there is still a big part of me that would like to help her, but I would have "gone under" mentally myself if I hadn't done it.  I only communicate through other parties, like solicitors, estate agents etc. and if she sends me nasty texts or letters, unless I really have to respond to something in there, I just ignore them.  It's probably easier for me than you, as she is my only sibling, and lives about an hour away, so there's no real need to see her, and as my parents are both gone now, other than a couple of very close mutual family friends, there is no-one in my immediate circle who is in contact with her, so I don't have to hear too much about all the stuff she's spreading around.  But it is still a horrible situation.  She also tried to use my children against me which was really weird (she is single with no children) and that really turned my stomach, and so I feel sad that they can't have a relationship with their only Aunty (in the UK anyway), but I would not be prepared to be on my own with her (that's how nasty she's been, even with other people there - as you have clearly experienced as well) so I can't really push the kids to see her.  The more distance you have, the better you feel, and then if at some point there is a way to help her, and she reaches out in a genuine way - you will be in a better place to help her.  Not sure if this helps - but you are definitely not alone!  Best wishes, JB

[happydog921]

Thanks for the feedback... .it really does help to know I'm not alone in this kind of mess. 

I still feel obligated to try to get sis some kind of help, but I don't know how.  I feel selfish in going NC, but right now it's the only way for me to keep my sanity and the only way I can see to show her that there are repercussions to her behavior.  My going back and "keeping the peace" after the second attack episode was the wrong thing to do and it was only a matter of time before it happened again  (hubby was right & I hate it when he's right   ).  I can't go back to any communications with her unless there's a demonstrated effort on her part to get help for her issues.  I refuse to subject myself to her attacks and I definitely will not allow that to happen in the presence of my children.  I hope she seeks help before this anger drives more of her loved ones away... .   

[P.F.Change]

Hi, happydog921, and 

Thanks for sharing your post. I can see why your sister's outbursts would be upsetting and can tell you really want her to get better. It's understandable you would be concerned for her family and for other relatives. It may not be in your power to help your sister, but you can learn ways to take care of yourself.

It sounds like you have a start on looking after your boundaries already. This workshop really helped me solidify some of mine. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence You might also like to read this article:Article 6: Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment.

How else are you looking after yourself, happydog921? Have you ever considered talking with a therapist about ways to cope with your sister's behavior? How do your parents feel about your choice to limit contact with her?

Wishing you peace,

PF