Scared, sad and confused...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all,

I wrote an intro in the new members section a couple of weeks ago. I haven't been on the boards very much as I've been busy trying to deal with my life.

I realized last week, when having one of a thousand constant fights with my SO, that I would be happier living life on my own. I know he can't fulfill my needs, he has "gender issues" that I wasn't aware of until we were almost married and at that point I thought I could be ok with his need to be more feminine. Honestly, I can't... .I'm not fluid with my sexuality and I just can't do it. Naturally, he makes me feel like I am a horrible human being because I can't accept and embrace who he is. I do love him, but I can't meet his basic needs and he can't meet mine.

So, he has moved all of his things into his daughter's room. (She doesn't live with us and rarely comes over... .less than once every 2 months, so he can have his own space). I feel like it's on the right path, but all I hear in my head is "you're not even 40 and you'll be divorced twice!" I know that shouldn't matter but it does. Plus, I don't want to make life at home any more difficult for my kids, my daughter (14) has severe anxiety and feels comfortable talking to my SO, because he "gets her".

Sorry for the wall of text. I just knew venting to you guys that you would understand. I'm just so sad. He was supposed to be my one. We had the fairy tale story, that I know now is classic BPD behaviour at the beginning of the relationship.

[tiredallthetime]

Hello all,

I wrote an intro in the new members section a couple of weeks ago. I haven't been on the boards very much as I've been busy trying to deal with my life.

I realized last week, when having one of a thousand constant fights with my SO, that I would be happier living life on my own. I know he can't fulfill my needs, he has "gender issues" that I wasn't aware of until we were almost married and at that point I thought I could be ok with his need to be more feminine. Honestly, I can't... .I'm not fluid with my sexuality and I just can't do it. Naturally, he makes me feel like I am a horrible human being because I can't accept and embrace who he is. I do love him, but I can't meet his basic needs and he can't meet mine.

So, he has moved all of his things into his daughter's room. (She doesn't live with us and rarely comes over... .less than once every 2 months, so he can have his own space). I feel like it's on the right path, but all I hear in my head is "you're not even 40 and you'll be divorced twice!" I know that shouldn't matter but it does. Plus, I don't want to make life at home any more difficult for my kids, my daughter (14) has severe anxiety and feels comfortable talking to my SO, because he "gets her".

Sorry for the wall of text. I just knew venting to you guys that you would understand. I'm just so sad. He was supposed to be my one. We had the fairy tale story, that I know now is classic BPD behaviour at the beginning of the relationship.

[wishfulthinking]

TiredATT, I kicked mine out yesterday.  I'm 39 and he is my second marriage.  I didn't know of any of his issues until after we were married, then it all exploded.  I've stayed this long in part because I worried what people would think... .We got married in less than a year... .he's my second marriage... .already divorced... .etc.  I just can't do it anymore and I deserve better.  YOU DO, TOO.  We likened ours to a fairytale, too.  Funny, nowhere does it say prince Charming is mentally ill.  I'm heartbroken today and feel so much guilt.  He is texting and has called once.  He's not supposed to due to the restraining order, but as long as he isn't threatening or harrassing, I'll let it go.  I'm not responding.  He is begging for us to not give up.  Wants BOTH of us to work on our problems.  Says I have major things to work on.  Yeah, like why I put up with all the crap for so long.  I'm not perfect, but even my ex husband said I wasn't bad at all.  WHen your ex volunteers that info, I figure I should take his word.  Anyway, I feel you.  I "get you". 

[tiredallthetime]

Thank you wishfulthinking.

It helps just knowing that someone out there understands how hard this is. You're so right about Prince Charming... .who knew that was all an illusion.

I heard what I wanted in the beginning, and have looked past all the angry outbursts and blame all in the sake of "doing anything to save the relationship".

I share in your heartbreak... .let's both try to let go of the guilt though... .