Caring for older BPD mother

[AbbyDeety]

Hi guys, I'm having real problems with my mom. She was self-sufficient and living in another state (thank god) until recently -- she got fired from her job, lost her apartment, then moved back to town to "be with family" only to break her hip and become bedridden and in need of 24 nursing care in a home until she heals. AND it turns out she spent all her retirement savings. She is looking to me and my brother to care for her emotionally and financially but she is beyond difficult and I'm the only one who lives in the same city. I've known that she is BPD for a long time but she has roared back into my life. The other day she sent me and my brother 80 texts in 24 hours with complaints and demands. I'm going to see her every weekend and I'm getting depressed. I also have an 18 month old daughter and a full time job. 

And yet I feel I can't abandon her.

Is there anybody out there who can offer any support or advice? Nobody I know has ever had an experience even remotely like this and I'm starting to feel hopeless! I can feel it polluting my life, if that makes sense? Thanks for reading.

[justnothing]

I’m sorry to hear both about you and your mother’s situations AbbyDeety. My mother was close to 40 years older than me and was disabled from the time I was a teenager. The two of us lived alone together until about 2 years ago when she passed away. I was all she had and I didn’t want to abandon her either, so I think I can relate to what you might be going through right now.

How long had your mother been living away from you before now? How long had she been living alone?

I’m asking because if she’s used to living alone then she might not become fully dependent on you or at least not permanently dependent…

Is there any way she could get any kind of government support? Or housing? Is she already at retirement age? This kind of stuff might be worth looking into… try to figure out a way for her to be able to live on her own and somewhat independently. Right now she might be acting super clingy simply because this is a new situation for her and she’s panicking… things might get better as she adjusts to the change and/or manages to secure some kind of income or a roof over her head.

Anyway, even if she seems (and even if she is) terrified, desperate and clingy, you don’t have to let her emotions affect you. She may look to you for comfort and you can try to give her some comfort but there’s a very good chance it won’t be good enough… in which case don’t feel bad or blame yourself… fully meeting her needs is probably impossible so just give as much as you feel comfortable with and without taking away too much from yourself or your baby.

Also, seeing as you do have other family members as you say, don’t try to take the full burden on yourself if there’s a possibility of asking for help from other family members as well.

Incidentally, is your mother aware that she has/might have BPD?

[AbbyDeety]

She has been diagnosed with BPD, but she rejects the diagnosis. If you bring it up she goes completely insane and it escalates her paranoia, split thinking, etc.

She was actually in a rage in the hospital recently and called ME borderline, which I did think was a little funny. Almost.

[funfunctional]

Oh boy.

This is tough.   Thing is once one of you take her in she will ruin your lives.   It sounds like she is old enough for a nursing home?   Perhaps housing for the elderly?   I wonder what this place would do if she had no family at all?   I would think they would have a social services person place her.  Clearly she can't be thrown on the street.     I think I would be upfront with the contacts at the hospital that she is homeless.

The burden does have to be shared as someone else posted.

Best of luck & protect your own sanity and life.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, AbbyDeety,

It certainly sounds like you are in a stressful situation. I imagine it must be hard feeling obligated to care for your mother with BPD while also trying to care for a toddler and balance a job. It is really important to care for yourself, first and foremost. What are you doing to look after yourself? How are you coping with your depression?

You might find you need to put some limits in place just to make sure you are taking care of your own needs. This might mean not visiting your mother as often as she would like. Does that sound feasible to you? Justnothing has some good suggestions about outside support. Have you talked to a social worker about what services and care are available to your mother?

I hope to hear more from you soon, AbbyDeety.

Wishing you peace,

PF