a 'dear john' type of letter... thougths?

[Danie14]

I'm leaving, I don't know when or how quite yet but it's going to happen. I'm having trouble actually figuring out how to say what I need to say to him... .not even sure if it'll be worth anything but know I have to say something... .anyway here's what I'm working on, can you tell me if this sounds ok or is it just pointless?



I’m leaving you. I need to focus on me. I can’t do that when I’m with you. I could try to explain this to you but believe that will be a waste of my time and your time. I’ll tell you this tho, this isn’t about you. This is about me.

You know I’ve been going thru some things, internal things, over the last year. I know you now this. You’ve said you thought I was having a midlife crisis. I’d say it’s a midlife transition. I’m thinking on the past and on the future. The past is done and over, I can’t go back to redo anything. The future is unwritten and can be anything I want.

I’m in a hell of a jam, to be honest. I want things I can’t have. As long as I stay here with you I’ll never get to have these things that I’ve always wanted. I look back on the past and see so many things that have hurt me to my core. I see so many things I’ve not just let go of but actively pushed away. Why? That’s the big question for me. I’m hurt and I’m angry. The pain the anger doesn’t vanish because you or I want it to. Sad but true. I know it’s true because I’ve been trying for a very-very long time to make it stop to make it disappear from my heart and my mind.

I have to admit that I am beginning to understand that for me to move forward in a good way I need to look backwards, too. It breaks my heart to see how our love has suffered blows neither of us chose to fix….or to even address. It’s hard to know that I accepted these things. It’s hard to know that I allowed these things to be swept under the rug…that we have a very lumpy rug now because of all of that denial.


this is all I have so far... .I'm still trying to formulate it in my mind... .

[Mutt]

Hi Danie14,

That's a touching letter. I can read the sincerity, unhappiness and desire for change. It's coming from somewhere deep, it's coming from your heart. There's no right and wrong here, you could give him the letter but likely it won't be reciprocated, prepare yourself for that. You could write it pen to paper and keep it for yourself. You could also write on these boards, whatever you choose, let those feelings out.

[Danie14]

Thanks Mutt... .

You know it feels pointless to say anything to him... .he's just going to either try to turn it around on me and use it against me or he's going to just ignore all of it and tell me I'm wrong... .ha! actually he'll do both.

On the one hand it feels like giving him ammo to shoot me with, and that's something I try to never do. On the other hand, how can I end over 20 yrs without an explanation a talk or something... .

I could say lots more... .but why? It seems kinda pointless... .I could just write here but that feels to be going no where and getting me no place... .

Lol, he's an ADULT not a child... .I've refused to treat him like he's stupid... .and if this is the case then I *should* be able to talk to him as an intelligent adult... .wow, but that's not the case... .or it is... .but he hides it? or denies it... .confusing thoughts get me confused in my head and trying to make sense of this... .this... .bull-you-know-what!

and I'm a thinker, I always have been, I like to try to understand why things are the way they are... .and this just makes no ever-loving sense to me. He says one thing, he does another, I call him out he denies it and tells me I'm wrong and has gosh darn valid reasons why I'm wrong... .and me being me think well he could be right... .I mean because I know for a fact that I'm not infallible I'm only human I can and do make mistakes... .but to questions my very mind... .oh, boy that's a tough one to live with... .you know? 

and maybe this is one of those big questions that I need to let go of trying to understand... .and my mind keeps on picking away at it anyway trying to make sense... .find logic... .reason... .something... .

and that's why I have to go... .well, one of the reasons... .how can I tell him that? Get him to see... .oh, I can't... .I have to let that go too... .

[Perdita]

You know it feels pointless to say anything to him... .he's just going to either try to turn it around on me and use it against me or he's going to just ignore all of it and tell me I'm wrong... .ha! actually he'll do both.

On the one hand it feels like giving him ammo to shoot me with, and that's something I try to never do. On the other hand, how can I end over 20 yrs without an explanation a talk or something... .

Danie, I wouldn't feel right either if I were you and didn't at least give an explanation/talk after 20 years.  Then again, doesn't he already know how much hurt he has caused you over the years?  If your previous talks didn't help, then I am sorry to say that the letter will probably make no difference to him now either.  It's not right, it's no where near fair. 

I have written my BPbf long heart felt letters about how much he has hurt me.  Trying so hard to get him to see how much his actions have hurt me. One would think that some kind of acknowledgement would have followed.  Something.  Anything.  Yet I got nothing.  That makes the hurt even worse.  Like rubbing salt in the wound. 

If I were you I would see the letter more as something you wrote for yourself.  Your own peace of mind and feelings of what is decent.  Give it to him if you really want to, but don't expect much in return. 

[Changingman]

I would expect something in return, not positive. read about how to move away from a BPD male with the least problems. The raging could be dangerous. I think there is somewhere on this site that has advice for this. You may find when he realises you are abandoning him, it may turn nasty.

Get your stuff out, don't leave a letter, each word will become distorted to him.

Get away safe, don't meet him alone. Abusers won't let go of their prey easily.

I know 'he's not like that'! Be careful plan ahead.

[Danie14]

I know 'he's not like that'! Be careful plan ahead.

Actually he is like that, has been like that... .a long time ago... .and it is concerning to me. That's why it's so hard for me to figure out the actual leaving... .I guess fear is the name.

I'm slowly taking my things out of the house, making copies of tax documents, etc.

I've read and read advice on how to do this safely but the reality is that when someone feels as if they have nothing left to lose they are likely to get crazier... .the reality is that I have no one to protect me from him, insane. No one can or will stand up to him on my behave and to be honest I wouldn't and couldn't ask this of anyone. To put themselves in harms way for me? no, I won't do that to anyone.

The reality is that RO's are going to piss him off more and if I called the cops it'd take them at the very-very least 20 mins to get to my house and more likely 45 mins to get there... .can you imagine what can happen in 20 min's? Let alone 45 mins... .The reality is that his sister runs the local abuse shelter... .there's no help there for me.

I think I'm not only facing the end of a marriage, a life together, but the very real danger of leaving him... .maybe of losing my life... .and trying to come to terms with all this... .

wow, maybe it's not even all that melodramatic... .maybe I'm creating monsters inside my head... .maybe he'll just leave me alone... .

[Perdita]

wow, maybe it's not even all that melodramatic... .maybe I'm creating monsters inside my head... .maybe he'll just leave me alone... .

Danie, don't second guess your gut instincts.  If a little voice inside is telling you that you will be in danger when you leave, then listen to it.  Do whatever you can to be safe.  I'm sure people who have been in the same position will be able to give you good advice on how to go about this.   

[Mike76]

Danie14,

I understand you pain and sadness, although I have mentioned to my dBPDw divorce before I am starting the progress.  I will have a letter in hand from my lawyer at our next MC session.

I came to the realization you did also, I said a few of the things you did in your letter.

No matter what we say, it is not go over well, but I think you are giving it a great try.

At the last MC session, I said something along the following.

You deserve more than I can give you, I can not give you all the things you need.

Additionally, I do not believe you can give me what I need.

[Danie14]

Get help, yes, that's why I'm here. To get help.

The reality is that the local police are not going to be able to provide the help I need in the time frame I'd need the help in. See, I live way out in the country in a small community. They are understaffed during the winter and way-way understaffed during the summer (tourist season). An example: My neighbor called the cops because someone was outside their house digging through their car right at that very moment... .the cops showed up 3 hours later. That's just the reality I live with.

If my H is going crazy, raging, how are they going to really help me or my kids at all?

I wish he'd leave me, again... .

[Perdita]

Danie, is there perhaps a time when your husband has to go away from home for a day or two?  Try to plan leaving at a time when he is either going to be away or simply going to be too busy to come home during the day.  Hope that's possible.

[Danie14]

He used to travel a lot for work but now he doesn't. He's at my side 24/7... .he will literally follow me around the house... .I've caught him 'peeking' at me as I'm just going thru my day (creepy and I've told him this!) He checks up on me all the time. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if he has a keylogger on my computer or some sort of tracking app on my car... .it's driving me crazy!

No, I'm going to face it... .when the time is right... .standing strait and he's going to do whatever he's going to do... .I just don't see any other way around it.

Fyi, I only log onto this site from work so he has no idea about this.

sigh. I know I sound like every suggesting is being shot down I'm not trying to do that to everyone and I really and truly appreciate the thoughts... .they do help me a great deal... .I'm getting there... .slowly getting there... .

[Perdita]

Danie, keyloggers come with default unhide hotkeys, for example Ctrl+Alt+Shift+H in case you would like to see if something pops up.  I think what you are doing now is best though.  Stick to using the work pc when you don't want to risk him seeing what you are up to.  Better to be safe.  How far from home do you work?  Any chance you can pretend to go to work one morning and then get out of there instead?

[Mutt]

Hi Danie14,

I'm sorry that you are facing some difficult choices here in regards to your SO and you are facing a challenge with his sister running the local abuse shelter. I understand that you have read a lot on this on what to do, have you called a hotline in the past for live support to help you with an exit plan?


- Mutt

[Danie14]

This is probably going to sound crazy on my part.

I don't know that I truly *fear* he'd really and truly get totally crazy harmful nuts on me and defiantly not the kids. See when he was like that before it was always when he was drunk or hungover. He'd be sorry when sober and 'nice'... .although there are times when he does get scary mean but seems to be able to control this a lot better when he's sober. He hasn't drank in almost a year.

He hasn't been like that in a long time, the last time he was sorta like that he'd been drinking and we started arguing. I don't really remember what it was about now but it ended up with us in the bathroom and him shoving me against the wall and holding me there until I agreed with him... .until I said 'yes' and that was it. That was about a year and a half ago.

Since then he's never touched me but he's been angry, really angry... .and then that old fear builds up in me and I kinda detach from everything. I have worked on myself very much over the last few years and try to not allow this 'fear' to control me. It's hard and it's a process. I think... .no I know... .I'm making progress.

[Perdita]

Danie, it doesn't sound crazy on your part.  My fear for you is that you might be just a bit in denial about him possibly becoming violent.  There are far too many women who thought the same and today they are in their graves and won't get a second chance to do things differently.  I know this from very very bitter personal experience.  It is better to be careful. 

I think part of you does not want to believe that he can seriously harm you or the kids.  Perhaps he won't. However, you did share 20 years with this man and obviously there are still some feelings there.  I think for women in your situation it can almost seem like too deep a betrayal to say "I'm think he might well get violent with me and the kids".  No matter how bad the emotional and mental abuse, women (and men) often don't want to believe that their spouse would go that far.  The problem is that it can and does escalate into physical violence for some.

Are you perhaps also on a forum or board that give advice very specifically to women who are preparing to leave their husbands and fear a violent reaction?  I think they will be able to help you far more than we can here.  Please keep posting about it here as well!  We might still have some very useful input too regarding safety.   

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we just want you and your kids to be safe.      

[foiles]

I'm not an expert, but when you are ready, it may be possible for you to secretly set up a time for the police to be at your house. That way you wouldn't have to 'wait' for them to show up- they would be there at a prearranged time to 'escort' you when you actually leave. That way, there would be protection when you leave. They could warn him of the repercussions should he stalk you or if something happened to you, and he would know that the authorities are aware that there had been violence in the past. After my exBPDbf became violent with me, he was very concerned about police involvement "to protect himself" . I don't know your husband but sometimes just knowing there may be legal issues can deter them. You know him better than anyone, but just an idea... .

[livednlearned]

The reality is that RO's are going to piss him off more and if I called the cops it'd take them at the very-very least 20 mins to get to my house and more likely 45 mins to get there... .can you imagine what can happen in 20 min's? Let alone 45 mins... .The reality is that his sister runs the local abuse shelter... .there's no help there for me.

I think I'm not only facing the end of a marriage, a life together, but the very real danger of leaving him... .maybe of losing my life... .and trying to come to terms with all this... .

wow, maybe it's not even all that melodramatic... .maybe I'm creating monsters inside my head... .maybe he'll just leave me alone... .

Hi Danie14,

I really feel what you're going through. It feels dangerous to stay, and dangerous to leave. I tried to assess how dangerous my ex was (I've been out of the marriage now for 3.5 years, and I have S13) and it's a very lonely, very frightening feeling to try and figure out the level of danger you're in. My ex was not a puncher or hitter, but he would throw things at me. He threw our dog. He would lock me out of the house. I have read that this is referred to as "environmental" abuse when the abuser uses parts of the environment to threaten and intimidate. It started with yelling and silent treatments, gaslighting, etc., and then it escalated, so I couldn't tell if a worse stage was coming. For a lot of people like us who become accustomed to abuse, that's when our pot of hot water becomes a rolling boil.

Have you heard of Gavin de Becker? He wrote a book called the Gift of Fear which has a chapter on restraining orders. It was a helpful chapter that made me work through whether or not they would increase or decrease my safety. Gift of Fear is a book that could make some people more afraid, but I found -- as someone who lived with a man who regularly scared me -- that de Becker's insights were exactly what I needed. de Becker also grew up in a home with extreme domestic violence (parents firing guns at each other), so he knows a thing or two about what the DV environment is like, and how difficult it is to leave. His organization created the MOSAIC Threat Assessment tool which is designed to help you work through the level of risk in your relationship: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

When I left, it was during the day when N/BPDx was at work. I planned for a year. I moved to an apartment complex that had three law enforcement officers living in it, one of them right across from me and one on the bottom floor. The fact that your sister is at the DV shelter is really unfortunate, but there are other ways to leave without turning to DV services. The bottom line is that it takes tremendous strength to leave an abusive relationship, and every situation is different. Be gentle with yourself as you figure all of this out, and listen to your instincts. They are absolutely your best asset right now.

It's also a good idea to consult with a lawyer just to make sure you understand how things work. For example, I learned that my situation was dire enough that I could leave with my son and live somewhere without disclosing my location until things cooled down -- as long as I put my son on the phone with his dad the next day. I could protect my physical safety, but I couldn't "alienate" my child from his dad. So that's what I did. My lawyer also recommended keeping a journal -- that can be extremely important in a custody battle when abuse is involved. In my state, it is legal to record a person without their consent, and I had video of my ex in various drunken stupors. I had a log detailing how much my ex drank and when.

Another really good resource is the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. That book gave me strength, and it also helped me predict the behaviors so I knew what to expect.

You know your abuser better than anyone does. He knows you equally as well. He knows exactly how to create the perfect level of fear and maintain it so he can control your behavior. There is always the potential that the danger will increase, but there is an equal chance that you will call his bluff. Alcohol makes things unpredictable, and so does psychosis, but even so -- it's possible that your ex is not going to snap. If your H has other mental health issues, that could make him unpredictable as well. Take a look at the MOSAIC tool and try to think as objectively as possible about what level of risk he presents.

Gather as much information as you can and above all, be gentle with yourself. You already have someone undermining your worth, so no need to give him any help with this. Start thinking of yourself as the strong, capable woman you are. There is a lot of research about how powerful and effective it is to say what we want to become, what we want to feel like. It doesn't mean you have to do anything right away, or next week, or next month. It just means you get yourself on your own side. You make an ally with yourself.

I'll be thinking about you, and pulling for you.



LnL

[Danie14]

Thank you, so much... .it really means a lot to me. I'll look into the mosaic but it asks for an email address... .I'll probably create a fake one for this... .just because... .