Had enough

[freshlySane]

As much as people tell me its not my fault i cant blame myself i cant take this lonely i want to end it right now because im so sick of this pain and its not just my exwBPD its every women i been with not one good or memorable relationship and those where my faults. I gave my all to this women because i wanted to finally be happy and it turns it she is more damaged then me. Ive been abused physically emotionally for 4 years. She is with a new guy and after 9 months  still he is perfect makes me believe me and every ex she ever had  just wasnt right for her  or after all it really is just PTSD and she doesnt have BPD I have to end this im tired of the pain im done with life

[freshlySane]

I dont know i come here no body cares

[Blimblam]

im sorry, I can sense your extreme frustration in your post Ive been there and it does get better.  what happened?

[Mr Hollande]

She is with a new guy and after 9 months  still he is perfect

Are you absolutely sure about that?

[freshlySane]

i sent her an apology letter this is what she wrote back My only response. I don't care for your song, I don't care neither do I want songs to be written to me. You repulse me. You can try to kill me and a fetus and write things like let's feel sorry for you. U tried to kill that child,  requested it be killed. Thankfully I did that. I do not want any ties to you, further interaction, don't mention my relationship out your mouth. Me, my life and my man's is none of your concern.

long story short we argued i tried to take her phone that i bought for her she punched me i threw her on the bed and laid on top of her she couldnt breath and someone came in and i got off of her. i feel horrible because i dont abuse women. I snapped off of the nasty things she said to me over the years.

that message sent me over the deep end

she dated this guy for 3 months while with me left him to be with me again and left me to be with him its been 9 months and she is so happy

[Mr Hollande]

I speak from expereince here. It was over ten now years ago that I once laid my hand on my first BPD ex. After AMPLE provocation I might add but it happened in public with plenty of witnesses around. She sucked me right in and I fell for it. She went to the police and it turned into a big mess which damned well nearly destroyed everything I had worked for. For that one moment of madness I could have lost it all.

Chief, you really need to be careful about confronting her. Seriously! As a woman she holds all the abuse cards and if she decides to drag you down the legal path you will be dragged there like a rag doll. You will not stand a chance. Think about it.

Try to stay safe!

[Blimblam]

that letter must hurt really deeply. For the sake of your sanity No Contact.  You are painted black right now and that is when they will sink to their lowest depths to hurt you.  You know her he will be painted black too.  Also his happiness with her is just his own projection. The idealization phase doesn't last, everything after that is our own projection clinging to the fantasy.

[OutOfEgypt]

She is with a new guy and after 9 months  still he is perfect makes me believe me and every ex she ever had  just wasnt right for her  or after all it really is just PTSD and she doesnt have BPD I have to end this im tired of the pain im done with life

Dude.  It's a lie, a sham.  That's her game.  If she gets it to be your fault and the new guy is "perfect", then she gets to unload blame onto you and not look in the mirror herself.  Soon, it will be his turn.  But right now, you are helping her continue her game by being the patsy and reacting to all of her crap.

I can also identify with getting to the point of snapping.  Thankfully, I never did anything terrible, but don't you think they KNOW they are provoking you?  Their whole game is to throw you off and get you to react so that you become the loser and the psycho so that they don't have to look at themselves (and nobody else will).  Forget her.  She isn't worth it.  She lives in a soap opera.

Normal women are NOT like that.  They aren't cruel like that.

I know what you want... .you have so much hurt and anger that you want the truth to be revealed.  You want justice.  You want all her relationships to fall apart because deep down you *know* she's a phony.  But you demand it so badly that when it doens't happen, and when she seems to be doing well, you take all that rage and pain and bitterness and swallow it yourself.  And it is making you sick.  Time to let go of her and focus on your own life.  She really is NOT worth it.  Is your life really not worth it?  Are you not worth freedom?

[OutOfEgypt]

And trust me.  She's just as emotionally tied to you in unhealthy ways, too.  If somehow you had an epiphany and emotionally moved on and found a good woman and walked around happily with this new woman and finally saw how much you have going for you, it would kill your ex.  Suddenly, she would be calling you up to see if she can hook you back in and put you under her thumb.

It's a game.  And she's not going to quit, so you have to.  It's a display.  I know it hurts, but it will start hurting a lot less when you really decide to let her and all her crap go.  You are worth more than that.  You are worth more than what you lived through.

[freshlySane]

I keep saying to myself why didn't i get up  sooner when she said she couldn't breath i feel like an abuser i never laid my hand on her.

I know she provoked me but i lost myself i only wanted to restrain her i never meant for anything bad to happen to her

Shes kicked me, punched me all kinds of stuff and i always walked away i took the abuse internally.

I feel like a horrible person

[freshlySane]

This was the hardest thing to post because im not a bad person i dont want people to think im this horrible person

[OutOfEgypt]

It happens to the best of us.  It truly does.  Don't beat yourself up about it -it really does nothing productive.  At least you know from experience how far this person can bring you, so you can thank your lucky stars that you are done with her.

[freshlySane]

It happens to the best of us.  It truly does.  Don't beat yourself up about it -it really does nothing productive.  At least you know from experience how far this person can bring you, so you can thank your lucky stars that you are done with her.

Am i an Abuser did i lay my hands on her? i feel horrible its eating me up

[OutOfEgypt]

What you are is a human being.  Humans make mistakes.  Humans can be pushed to the point where they lose it.  :)on't try to label yourself like that.

Abuse, by the way, has to do with longstanding patterns of the same destructive behavior.  :)id you do that?  No.  So let it go.  She's the abuser.  What you are is a dude who is lucky to get out while he still can.

[Mutt]

Hi freshlysane

I agree with OutOfEgypt, we all do something that makes us feel guilt and shame but it's a mistake. You are the sum of all of your parts. I'm sure that you're a person that does positive deeds as well? The needle for now in the way that you're feeling is a little too far in the black zone. You think that you're a bad person over this, you're somewhere in the middle the grey area. Center yourself. To err is human. We all do something we're not proud of including myself but it doesn't mean you are a horrible person from where I'm looking at. You feel guilt it's OK try forgiving yourself  

[freshlySane]

This is horrible its funny my mother told me she would push me to a breaking point and i never listened to her.

Its so Sick because im blaming me and in blaming me im negating all the abuse she put me through  Because all i can remember is her crying when i got up

two wrongs do not make a right

[Aussie JJ]

Look all circumstances are different. 

I will give an example of mine for you.  Now with this it has been 18 months and I still cant walk I to this room in the house without virtually having a breakdown. 

I came home from work, she wasn't working at the time.  I started playing with our son.  She started a fight with me.  I left the room so it wasnt infro t of our son. 

[Aussie JJ]

Look all circumstances are different.  You feel shame, guilt and regret?  The fact that your questioning yourself and working on it is healthy.  I have to commend you on being so open and honeat, please understand it is always a impossible situation that we are faced with with BPD. 

I will give an example of mine for you.  Now with this it has been 18 months and I still cant walk I to this room in the house without virtually having a breakdown.  

I came home from work, she wasn't working at the time.  I started playing with our son.  She started a fight with me.  She always did this as i was giving attention to him not her.  I left the room so it wasn't in front of our son.  She followed me yelling at me in a rage.  I kept going from room to room.  I was in tears at this point, I went to the garage it was raining she didn't follow me.  Minutes later she is outside with our son on her hip yelling at me in the rain.  He was 14 months old at this point.  I go inside.  She follows still screaming at me.  Our housemate comes over tells her, this isn't healthy for S1yo, fight but let me take him away.  She yells at him he retreats. 

I'm in the back room begging her after 15 minutes? Of continued verbal abuse to please leave me alone.  I'm standing in the corner unable to get away and I cant push past her as our son is on her hip, I don't want to push her and him.  Standing in the corner balling my eyes out.  Something that I have never experienced before happened then.  I got hit by someone I care about.  1 or 2 times on my back.  I turned around and then got hit on the chest. 

My response... .  I turn back around balling my eyes out and punched a hole in the wall.  She backed off, I got out my phone called her dad to pick her up as she couldn't stay that night.   

I suppressed that night for 12 months and shut that memory out, it was only when I spoke to my P and 're-lived' it that I recognised everything that transpired for what it actually was.  I woke up after 15 minutes sleep for weeks on end reliving that and would have to check every corner of the house to make sure she wasn't their, I would check constantly when my son was around to make sure that she wasn't going to be in the room before I entered with him. 

I got told and I beleived for 12 months that it was all my fault.  That responsibility was resting wholly all on me for those events.  I now admit to that, I am not afraid of what happened and I am proud that unlike her I tried to deescalate for 15 minutes and instead of hitting another person I hit the wall.  I know it isn't something to be proud of but I never hit her and never will.  I take comfort in the fact that despite everything I made an effort to deescalate and disengage from a situation I couldn't control. 

My way of managing this from now on.  Work on me. 

I have to ask you a question that was awful for me to answer but what did you do that was positive when all the crazymaking was happening.  For me, I tried to deescalate and not be confrontational.  For her she kept it going ramping it up and up and up until I snapped.  My snapping was hitting a wall, hers was going to get worse and worse than just hitting me. 

For you, did you recognise the pattern and know you were about to be kicked and punched by her even more so you restrained her?  This didn't work so what is your strategy for next time. 

For me, their never will be a time when it escalates to that level again.  For you, never let yourself be abused like that again, let her have the phone.  Let yourself have enough respect for your own sanity and let go. 

Something I do here that is a bit weird but helps me depersonalize is to read through other peoples posts, say to myself this is how I would disengage, leave that situation, disengage from that BPD behaviour.  Its very hard for me to do that with mine because I am emotionally involved, as its hard for you with yours.  Read through some other posts and see the disorder and react to that not the person. 

Read through mine above and tell me what I could have done better to respond to BPD behaviours.  Having that feedback helps me and practicing those skills is making me more grounded.  If this helps you realise that next time I can do XYZ differently or this is when I get out so it doesn't escalate then it is positive.  It will hopefully also reinforce that you are not alone and you are not crazy, you are trying to change and improve as a person.  Read through others posts, see that it happens to all of us and for yourself practise how you would disengage, deescalate and be that better person. 

Having problems is acceptable, we all have them.  How we deal with them is what is important and defines us as people. 

You tried to stop yourself from being physically abused.  For that, for caring for yourself why should you feel guilt, shame or remorse.