Lost/Hurt/Alone

[beachlover]

I was dating a woman who was not diagnosed with BPD, but upon my conversations with my therapist he suggested I look at the traits. Once I did some research it was like the person was living my life with my ex. We broke up in January, tried to work things out for a few months, but she got meaner, push/pull constantly. Always needing me to focus on her and when I didn't, she cheated on me. For some stupid reason I stuck around. I finally stopped talking to her in April went no contact for 2 months. She finally contacted me and told me that while we were still together she found out she was pregnant and got an abortion that's why she was so push/pull before I cut her off. When she contacted me two weeks ago she told me she still loves me, how hurt she is, how she wants to work things out. She said all this when she is living with a guy who she is now sleeping with. She told me they don't hook up, but they sleep in the same bed every night. I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she wanted to be with me, but none of my friends or family believes she was ever pregnant. She finally screamed at me yesterday calling me all sorts of mean names and then blocked my phone number. I am so hurt and lost I feel like she just came back to make sure I was still hurting and she could have me only to throw me back out again.

[Forestaken]

She's playing you.  Don't let her.  Run or at least walk away from this r/s.  I was married a uBPDw for 20+ years.  Trust me - peace alone is better than drama with her.

You are better than her.  Realize it now.

[beachlover]

That's my goal. I guess right now I just feel empty and broken. Defeated is a good word for it. It's like I sit here and just wish things hadn't fallen apart and she didn't bring out the worst in me.

[JohnLove]

That's my goal. I guess right now I just feel empty and broken. Defeated is a good word for it. It's like I sit here and just wish things hadn't fallen apart and she didn't bring out the worst in me.

That's often the feeling of a non to an intimate relationship with a pwBPD.

The pregnancy/abortion story and the sleeping in bed but not sleeping with story... .how do they get us to buy this crap?. 

I feel for you beachlover. There are some great tools on this site. Look after you and things will look after themselves. 

[Forestaken]

Defeated? Translation = Educated.

I don't know your age, I'm in my fifties.  So, I give less and less importance on society's preception on what is important (especially in term of r/s).  Look on the positive side, you learned the red flags of a bad r/s.

Move on.  What's next?

[beachlover]

Next is trying to get back to where I was before even meeting her. I'm 28 so I know this isn't the end-all-be-all, but for some reason it's the hardest relationship I'd ever have to get over. I just feel castes out, used, and taken for a fool. I'm a strong person and very much a no nonsense person, but for some reason this person got through and now I'm trying to get her out. It's so hard because the only reason I let her back in was because of the pregnancy, but to be 100% honest I wanted her to reach out, but I was a fool to think she'd changed or realized any flaws in her ways. Especially with how she treated me. I was reading about projection and it almost seems like she feels so terrible and has such a low view of herself after all she put me through that it just gets projected as anger toward me.

[peiper]

Mine did the same thing, except for the cheating, I think anyway. She split three times and always came back.

[peiper]

I let mine totally destroy my self esteem

[Forestaken]

Beachlover: Jeez my S is 24! Gawd, ya make me feel old 

Interesting history, I found more and better members of the opposite sex in my thirties than twenties.  The good ones seem to want to establish themselves first.  I dunno, just an observation - no science attached or conducted with it.

Peiper: I understand the "self esteem" feeling, mine did the same.  It's been 2 years of NC - with only visual contact in divorce court.  I'm doing 100% better.

[beachlover]

It just sucks that I can't call her out about all her lies. She'll never understand if I even tell her or care. All the evidence points to that she lied, but it's just so hard to understand that a person could tell such a big lie with so many components and fight basically to the death that it's true when it's not.

[peiper]

Get used to it, or run. Im going through legal crap now. Just run

[beachlover]

There's no getting used to it. I'm on the run, but I'm still hurting.

[beachlover]

The hardest part, for me, is trying to understand how someone can create such a convoluted lie and stick to it. Even though it isn't true. A week ago I asked her for documentation and she yelled at me saying I'm an ass and she doesn't have a scanner. I told her to take a picture and sen it to me. I got nothing. Then on Saturday I asked her again as we were in a huge argument. She sent me a picture of her computer off saying you'll get your proof later since my computer is dead ass. Well, I never got anything and the last time I checked she can plug her computer in and it instantly works. It's just lie on top of lie. I feel as though she knows she's caught and that's why she freaked out so hard. I guess it's also, why did she lie? What was she even looking to get out of it?

[Forestaken]

The hardest part, for me, is trying to understand how someone can create such a convoluted lie and stick to it. Even though it isn't true.

Are you trying to understand an absurdity?  Don't, because you can't

What you can do is move on.

[beachlover]

It's been over a week. Haven't heard a single peep from her. I guess that's good.

[e350]

Hey Beachlover,

I love the beach too.  In fact live 3/4 of a mile from it... .Yet I digress.  I know how you feel.  You want her to take ownership of her "stuff". I am the same way.  The list of wrongs she did to me was long.  When I hurt, I wanted her to be accountable for ALL of them. But then I finally realized that a.) she would never own any of it and b.) even if she did, it would be meaningless and only to get me back so we could do it all over again.  We did this dance a lot.

There is an article on this site titled, "How a Borderline Relationship Evolves."  It really opened my eyes on why it was so hard for me to let go.  The Idealization phase is so powerful especially for those of us who yearn for love and have co-dependency issues.   They press all the right buttons and man does it feel great!  The intimacy was the best.  It had to be love.  It's like a drug. But then comes the clinger phase and you are no longer the best guy she's ever met.  It's all about her needs, her depression, her ailments and if you don't focus 100% on her needs (as unreasonable as they get), she makes you pay and pay big.  Mine would cheat on me.  That was the way to hurt me the most.   And I would be shocked at the callousness of it. I took care of her, her three kids and this is how she repays me?  The answer to that question is yes.  This is how a BPD will repay you- without remorse, without regret, without feeling.  It's how they are wired. 

The way I look at it now is I don't need her to admit to her cruelty. I know it was cruel. Asking her to admit to her wrongs is like asking a blind person to describe a color.  Somewhere deep inside me I feel bad that she is going to lead a lonely life and damage her three children all because her older brother was allowed to sexually abuse her over and over even after she told her parents.  It really is no surprise she has BPD.  But only she can seek help and I've pointed her in the right direction.  I can take solace in that.

Stay strong brother and realize when a relationship starts off fast and is very intoxicating, you probably found another one. 

[Crow Moon]

The hardest part, for me, is trying to understand how someone can create such a convoluted lie and stick to it. Even though it isn't true.

I too am having difficulty accepting that they a person can so blatently lie to another without any sign of remorse. In fact whenever I called out my uBPDexgf on lieing she would turn it around on me and be "offended". She is the absolute best at that. I'd fall for it everytime and start defending myself and apologize to her. Afterwards I would feel this absolute disbelief about what just happened, because I knew for a fact that she was lieing.

Anyway, I think the reason why they can stick with it, is they somehow belief it themselves when they lie. As if they think it's the truth when they tell the lie. As if they create a false reality.

[beachlover]

I know there is no hope. I guess what I'm wanting will never happen and that is just for her to understand she's wrong. I hope karma catches up to her and I hope she shows up at my house crying one night and I will have the strength to not even open the door. I want to move forward and not be hurt by someone who doesn't feel pain or remorse. What I want will never happen just like wishing I never met her can't happen. Now she's in Mexico with her drug addict scumbag boyfriend and she could care less that we were supposed to go together. She SUCKS!

[Mutt]

Hi beachlover,

I understand about how you are feeling  Everyone wants to be heard and she isn't acknowledging your emotions or that she cares. I agree it's a horrible thing for her to do to leave you behind on a trip you were supposed to go together and it sucks   You have a right to feel anger and hurt by her actions.

How does going out with friends or family sound like to take your mind off of it?

[beachlover]

It was just a real blow to the head how she could be telling me I guess a month ago her lie about being pregnant then how much she misses me and wants to be with me and then ends up in Mexico. So much deceit and blatant lying that it astounding to try to even take it all in. At this point it just makes me laugh out of peer dumbfoundness.