Get Off Social Media

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I broke NC on Saturday. Had calm conversation with uBPDw. She said she doesn't trust me and never will and doesn't believe a word I say. I was weeping uncontrollably. Called her at 4 in the morning and she answered. Said I missed not being able to reach out to her in bed... .she said she missed that too. Today I got served with divorce papers. She knew even when talking to me what was about to happen and never mentioned it! How cruel!

Anyways, why does everybody keep looking at FaceBook accounts? Its the worse. You can even go online and Google it and there are horror stories. Its nothing but a way for your ex to inflict more pain. I refuse to have an account even though she has one. Why make the pain continue by torturing yourself?

I'm 6 weeks out and hating life but hanging in there. Now I know there's no hope for my 28 year marriage and while angry I'm resolved to fight for my life and sanity. Get rid of all social media now and recover faster.

[Hopeless777]

I broke NC on Saturday. Had calm conversation with uBPDw. She said she doesn't trust me and never will and doesn't believe a word I say. I was weeping uncontrollably. Called her at 4 in the morning and she answered. Said I missed not being able to reach out to her in bed... .she said she missed that too. Today I got served with divorce papers. She knew even when talking to me what was about to happen and never mentioned it! How cruel!

Anyways, why does everybody keep looking at FaceBook accounts? Its the worse. You can even go online and Google it and there are horror stories. Its nothing but a way for your ex to inflict more pain. I refuse to have an account even though she has one. Why make the pain continue by torturing yourself?

I'm 6 weeks out and hating life but hanging in there. Now I know there's no hope for my 28 year marriage and while angry I'm resolved to fight for my life and sanity. Get rid of all social media now and recover faster.

[LettingGo14]

Anyways, why does everybody keep looking at FaceBook accounts?

Why make the pain continue by torturing yourself?

I'm sorry you have faced that Hopeless777.  That is painful, and the timing is brutal.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I, and some others, have tortured ourselves at times with social media.  At one point, after I was blocked, I even created a fake account so I could look.  

You are right -- it is self-torture.  But, there are reasons worth considering:

(1) Our brains want answers.  We ruminate and repeat over and over and over.  Until, in agony, we realize our brains don't have the answers -- perhaps, instead, our hearts do.   For me, Facebook tortured me -- UNTIL it did not.   I arrived at the point where I could admit to myself it was all an illusion.  A projection from me to a computer.  Period.  

(2) We think we can find resolution.   We look for hidden messages and read between lines.   Again, it is self-torture.  And, again, it is projection.   But, sometimes we do it until it loses its radioactive power.  We do it until we accept reality.  

I kept myself stuck.  I knew it intellectually, and I heard all the advice to stop.  But, truth is, I didn't stop until I internalized this lesson:   the only answers are within.

Keep posting, my friend.  It helps us all.

[Hopeless777]

Ah yes... .I want a logical answer to why she won't go to the marital counseling she set up in the first place. She says "I'm not ready yet." I've even asked her why after 27+ years of marriage she won't go; I get no answer. Our grown kids don't even want to get involved. I have no answers and no one can give them to me in any way that makes a bit of sense. So she had me served yesterday. She tells my 25 year old son "I'm done with the marriage." He says "How's that possible after 27 years?" She tells him "Maybe I'm not done!" Talk about torture. I'm at a loss. I have enough torture, physical and emotional abuse, and now legal issues. Who needs to be stalking them through social media as well? But I still love her even after all she's done to me. How sad. How helpless I feel. How Hopeless!

[Promises]

Mine didn't have a FB account when we met.  Said he hated it would never have one.  He made me feel so guilty I quit checking mine.  He had one when he was with his wife and started an affair through it.  I'm sure he has one now but I am never checking.  Ever.  Why torture myself.  I've already been tortured by meeting him and sharing my life with him.  I'm being toutured in a different way now.  Tortured by memories and the ghost of a monster.  Yeah, I'm not looking.

[Mutt]

Ah yes... .I want a logical answer to why she won't go to the marital counseling she set up in the first place. She says "I'm not ready yet." I've even asked her why after 27+ years of marriage she won't go; I get no answer. Our grown kids don't even want to get involved. I have no answers and no one can give them to me in any way that makes a bit of sense. So she had me served yesterday. She tells my 25 year old son "I'm done with the marriage." He says "How's that possible after 27 years?" She tells him "Maybe I'm not done!" Talk about torture. I'm at a loss. I have enough torture, physical and emotional abuse, and now legal issues. Who needs to be stalking them through social media as well? But I still love her even after all she's done to me. How sad. How helpless I feel. How Hopeless!

I still recall the night that I uttered words that triggered a series of events that where not in my control "I want a divorce" I'll never forget that night and that look on her face, it was like a switch turned on.  I was depressed and frustrated beyond belief at my spouses behaviors and treatments towards me for years. I didn't know with what I was dealing with at the time. I triggered a primitive self-defense mechanism in her disorded mind that she's not self aware enough to see. I was split black and I felt like I didn't know this woman anymore, this is an entirely different person that disassociated our marriage, intimate relationship and our entire history together. She was rewriting our history at the blink of an eye and I was in disbelief, I still didn't know about borderline personality disorder. What happened Hopeless777 is that her fear of abandonment was triggered and you are split black, I'm so sorry that this happened. You feel anger and you have a right to feel angry.

She served you with divorce papers. Have you heard of Bill Eddies book? Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.