I need help. When I think back to how I wavered when I tried to set a boundary, I worry that I was behaving like a BPD would--saying one thing, doing another.
Hello sea_of_wounds. When I arrived in this community, I felt like a strung out addict, shivering in a corner, and desperate for another fix. Nothing made sense in my addled brain.
The very first thing that helped was accepting that I was not alone. You, my friend, are not alone either. Most of us on this board felt the exact same way, in the shame and pain of abandonment.
There would be times where I would try to set a boundary, then cave because she looked so upset or dismayed. When I attempted to set a boundary, I felt like I was "acting"---I had to pretend it wasn't killing me to draw a line, when it really was.
I wanted to show how much I was hurting, but that seemed to trigger her in one way or another, so a lot of the time, I just tried to remain stoic and firm. But I felt like hell.
Like the night I tried to tell her I should just say goodnight---cancel our plans for going out---I didn't want to have to feel like that one-night-stand woman again--didn't want to feel all the pain and loneliness the next day. Plus, for 25 minutes prior to our departure time, she was arranging a ticket to visit another an unnamed "friend" in a city north of me. I knew it, but didn't say anything. It hurt like hell, but I just kept quiet.
She looked scared and said, "Your mood has completely changed." She asked me if we could stay in, then, have a glass of wine, etc. etc.
I was filled with regret over the thought of hurting/disappointing her, so I changed my mind and said, "No, it's ok. We can still go out." We had so little time together--just over a day---and then she would be gone... .maybe forever. I wanted to hold on to every moment---so precious to me, but I will never know what it was for her.
This happened a lot when she still lived in my city. I would cave, because of how much I loved her, and because of how much I couldn't bear to see her sad/scared/uncertain.
What you describe is human. We all "react" to cues from others, and sometimes -- especially when its a family member or a loved one -- we "react" in ways we regret. Brene Brown has a nice mantra for enforcing boundaries, "Try to live with discomfort now, rather than resentment later." The reason she says this? It's very hard to "be" with discomfort. Many people react emotionally -- and "cave" -- in the face of potentially disappointing others.
The good news? There's a lot of research about reacting vs. responding. There's a lot of tactics/techniques out there to help us grow.
I now feel (sometimes) grateful for the devastation of my relationship because it's forcing me to read the research and learn techniques to self-soothe in the face of discomfort.
I am still reeling from not responding in my usual warm, loving way to a beautiful email she sent to me a week ago. I was not cold, but I kept a certain distance in my words, and it's killing me.
I keep thinking I appear to her as cold, cruel, wishy-washy, insensitive, etc etc.
It feels unbearable to not reach out to her in kind, to not figuratively fall into her open arms. I don't just walk away from people---I don't cut people out of my life, not people who mean so much to me. It feels so against everything inside my heart, my soul.
We are at war with ourselves, my friend. Your authentic self is warm and engaging and open and vulnerable. Yet, our unconscious survival mechanism (the amygdala) has been imprinted with the trauma of the relationship. It is the flight, fight, or freeze mechanism, and it blots out our rational, cognitive mind, because it wants us to survive.
Please give yourself a break. And be kind to yourself. We are learning to stand on our own two feet. We are learning to "hold" discomfort. We are learning to self-soothe.
Your choice to keep distance is a wise choice, given the past. The challenge, now, is to work with the difficult emotions that accompany the choice. We work with difficult emotions by naming, acknowledging, and accepting them. We learn to hold. We learn to go through, and FEEL.
But I have no idea what else I can do at this point. I am in so much pain right now, hating that I have to pretend to be strong when I am not, pretending that I am ok losing her from my life, when I am not---not in the slightest.
I am so desperate right now---this horrible pain and this relentless agony I experience because I feel like I am just discarding her without a second thought, the way a BPD would to someone they had professed was so "dear" to them... .
How do I feel like I am NOT evil, disordered, dismissive, unfeeling, uncaring? How do I tell myself that I am NOT BPD for doing this? How do I feel ok with my choice? How do I find peace? How can I forgive myself if she believes I was mean and cruel for telling her I couldn't be in touch right now?
This pain is unlike any other---I feel like a walking corpse. The pain is absolutely relentless.
The pain tells us something. It's emotional pain. Its roots are often unconscious. Our cognitive brains don't feel like we can control our emotions, so we flounder like a fish flapping and gasping for breath when tossed on dry land.
Here's what I did:
1.
Learned to meditate. I started with Pema Chodron's book, When Things Fall Apart. Meditation forced me to sit down, and pay attention to, my monkey mind -- WITHOUT JUDGING IT.
2.
Learned techniques to stop judging myself mercilessly. Thoughts beget emotions, and emotions beget thoughts. Check out Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Lots online.
3.
Learned to self-soothe. I decided that no one, except me, was responsible for my happiness or sadness or mental health. It was an excruciating path, with twists and turns, but it's okay to twist and turn and spin and fall. Like the old zen saying, "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54."
4.
Read these two books: The Journey From Abandonment To HealingThe Betrayal BondWe're here for you. You are a warm, generous, and caring individual -- I can see it in your posts, and
I affirm you.
