He just called. I'm thrilled.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Wow, this is why I never ever answer my landline anymore. I let it ring out then check who called and call back if I need to. HE JUST RANG literally 3 minutes ago, and the adrenaline has kicked in immediately. 4 months of NC and doing crazy $hit to get my attention and then he just rings ! I'm ridiculously thrilled. This is how I felt when he came to my door a month ago and I wasn't home. I need to know he's thinking about me, because he's on my mind Every minute of the day.

I was typing about him on another thread about NC, while the phone was ringing. How bizarre is that ? Now to look at my feelings about this turn of events. My body is shaking, my heart is pounding, I feel happy sort of charged up, and a bit sick and anxious. I'm home alone tonight. I won't be answering the door. I want to laugh out loud. For months I've walked around barely alive and I truthfully feel so alive at this moment. But I also want to cry.

Here's the thing. In my life everyone, and I mean everyone is happy I am no longer with him, but me. I'm a miserable shattered woman. I cry everyday. I come on here and talk to members/ friends and I feel better. Like I'm in a safe place. But every part of me at this moment is screaming to me that I want to be in his arms. That's my body. My head is saying otherwise. This is a dangerous person for me. I will never be with him again, but I want to be.

I'm so afraid of my intense response to this phonecall. I'm so out of my depth again. I thought after 4 months NC it would be easier to ignore him but it's not.

[Narellan]

Wow, this is why I never ever answer my landline anymore. I let it ring out then check who called and call back if I need to. HE JUST RANG literally 3 minutes ago, and the adrenaline has kicked in immediately. 4 months of NC and doing crazy $hit to get my attention and then he just rings ! I'm ridiculously thrilled. This is how I felt when he came to my door a month ago and I wasn't home. I need to know he's thinking about me, because he's on my mind Every minute of the day.

I was typing about him on another thread about NC, while the phone was ringing. How bizarre is that ? Now to look at my feelings about this turn of events. My body is shaking, my heart is pounding, I feel happy sort of charged up, and a bit sick and anxious. I'm home alone tonight. I won't be answering the door. I want to laugh out loud. For months I've walked around barely alive and I truthfully feel so alive at this moment. But I also want to cry.

Here's the thing. In my life everyone, and I mean everyone is happy I am no longer with him, but me. I'm a miserable shattered woman. I cry everyday. I come on here and talk to members/ friends and I feel better. Like I'm in a safe place. But every part of me at this moment is screaming to me that I want to be in his arms. That's my body. My head is saying otherwise. This is a dangerous person for me. I will never be with him again, but I want to be.

I'm so afraid of my intense response to this phonecall. I'm so out of my depth again. I thought after 4 months NC it would be easier to ignore him but it's not.

[Aussie JJ]

Its an amazing feeling and so powerful.  I know it the same as you and words don't do the high justice. 

Narellan, you feel like I feel because your am emotionally mature person.  I have to remind myself daily that I still care for this person, its horrible knowing all of the good that existed previously and also being aware of the total despair that I am in because of the abuse that was also prevalent.   

Intermitant reinforcement, nothing for 4 months, he has let you suffer like this and now he is back to give you that little prop up before rubbing it in your face again.  He is contacting you for himself not for you. 

Mine did that again today with an e-mail.  I am processing it now, do I respond?  Do I name the behaviour or do I disengage?  Its so conflicting, so painful. 

I cant listen to my own advice but I can give it out to people.  I'm going to do what I am recomending to you.  Do nothing.  Because I am emotionally mature this hurts so much and I accept that. 

What a horrible situation, within an hour were both processing the same thing.  I'm going for a run now!

[patientandclear]

Narellan: as I'm sure you recognize, the bodily reaction and the happiness is an addiction response. I remember it so well. Weeks after the sudden end of all his loving texts when he left me, saying it was a "tragedy" ... .He sent a text out of the blue and I felt like I was mainlining heroin. After I learned he was pursuing another woman, I politely told him I needed NC. Three months into that, he sent an email. Same reaction.

By the time he sent the email though, what he was up to with me had changed. Now he was pursuing someone else and his "touch" with me appears to have been to release anxiety and make sure someone else still loved him just in case. I did 't realize that and I responded in such a heartfelt way. But after he got his confirmation that I still love him and would try again if he wanted, he let me know that "I don't know what else to do but to continue on the path I feel so strongly pulled toward, almost despite myself." Which was this other woman, as I later confirmed.

I've had similar contact recently where he reached out after breaking up with the woman he was seeing recently. He put some effort into it and it made me feel what you're feeling: he was thinking of me and so on.

But in truth it is more complex. We play a valuable role in their ecosystem, yes, but it may be that you meet a need for him now that is quite different than the way we understanding these r/ships, in terms of love and primary commitment.

I'm sure you ARE on his mind and he wants to know you still care. What he would do with that information is another matter.

[Caramel]

Hi  

I was reading your post earlier on today. I just did not know what to say. Coz honestly I don't know what I would have done if I were in your shoes. It's been 5 months no contact from my ex. I have been dumped and forgotten completely by the looks of things!  

Then I was listening to this song by Christina Perri, "Jar of Hearts" this evening. I thought I should go tell Narellan to listen to it before she takes any action.

Whatever you decide to do, we are all here for you.

Love and light  

Caramel

[Caramel]

Hi  

I was reading your post earlier on today. I just did not know what to say. Coz honestly I don't know what I would have done if I were in your shoes. It's been 5 months no contact from my ex. I have been dumped and forgotten completely by the looks of things!  

Then I was listening to this song by Christina Perri, "Jar of Hearts" this evening. I thought I should go tell Narellan to listen to it before she takes any action.

Whatever you decide to do, we are all here for you.

Love and light  

Caramel

[LettingGo14]

I'm so afraid of my intense response to this phonecall. I'm so out of my depth again. I thought after 4 months NC it would be easier to ignore him but it's not.

Narellen --  First, give yourself a break.  You are not out of "your" depth.  This is hard sh-t.  Period.  Many of us, including me, would feel the overwhelming "surge" of emotion -- because we have spent so much time processing "why, why, why" and suddenly, maybe we think we will get an "answer."

Second, can you set aside 30 minutes, where you sit down and sit quietly and just take deep breaths?  Let your mind race, but merely "observe" it and don't "chase" it.  Feel what's going on in your body.  Try to realize, my friend, that we own our thoughts and emotions -- even when we feel controlled by them.  You do not -- I repeat -- you do not need to "solve" anything right now.  Just observe what is WITHIN you.

Feel your own power, Narellen.  Even if only for 30 minutes.  Have your read Patrick Carnes' book, The Betrayal Bond?  It might help you understand the "reasons" you feel so bonded, so connected, to your ex.

Bottom line, though:  it's okay.  It is okay to feel what you are feeling.  Be gentle with yourself.   Put your mental health first.

[topknot]

Agree, patientandclear. I have so learned that the sweet and charming texts and calls are only because he WANTS SOMETHING, and never take the words at face value. It is always to see if I will be the backup for his flavor of the day, can I front him some cash, etc. Terribly painful and hurts badly. For me, it is comparable to sticking toothpicks in my eyes to force myself to see this is not love of me. It is using me for what he needs today.

[Rollercoaster1]

I know the feeling... You don't even have to talk to him, but seeing you've missed his call or anything... uff...

This instant kick is overwhelming. But after a week or something, it fades away and leaves you wanting more. It truly is an addiction.

What helps me is enjoying this kick and trying to get my own kick out of not responding to him reaching out. It makes me feel strong and in control, even though it feels like he has all the power by making me feel this way with just one call. Truthfully, it is still hard to feel strong and in control at times like this but if I don't I will reach out and all of it will start all over again. Hoping that my feelings will follow what I'm showing with my actions someday

[Narellan]

Thankyou all 

Rollercoaster that's exactly what I'm doing. I enjoyed feeling something other than sadness or numbness and it made me feel good for a few hours. And it made me feel strong. I have no intention of reaching back to him. I've gone over my response if he comes to my door again, which he will. Planning what to say to end it for good makes me feel good too. I've gone over ever possible scenario in my head and I'm prepared right down to the fake mask ill be wearing to show him I've moved on. It's going to be really hard for me because I'm not a liar. Everything I say and do is honest. But responding to a BPD and showing hurt and pain is not the right way to go. That will keep him hooked and trying harder.

As much as I want him to know my feelings and how devastated I am, i know enough about BPD to know he will get satisfaction out of seeing he's hurt me. So I will lie and be blank and say NC anymore. The past is the past. I have no intention of staying friends with him to allow him any more access to my heart. And I can do this if I keep the conversation very brief and hold onto my real pain until he's gone.

[myself]

Now to look at my feelings about this turn of events.

My body is shaking, my heart is pounding, I feel happy sort of charged up, and a bit sick and anxious... .I want to laugh out loud. For months I've walked around barely alive and I truthfully feel so alive at this moment. But I also want to cry.

But every part of me at this moment is screaming to me that I want to be in his arms. That's my body. My head is saying otherwise. This is a dangerous person for me. I will never be with him again, but I want to be.

If you were talking about drugs, not a person, it would be very clear how what you're feeling has to do with the addiction you're struggling with. It's also an addiction response even though it's a person. The less you're exposed to it, the less will be absorbed. It's choosing freedom from bad patterns.

[Rollercoaster1]

Narellan, you can do this!

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Narellan -

You've come a long way & you can handle this ... .I've been reading many of your posts these last few months.  Caramel is correct about the song "Jar of Hearts" - I've listened to it over and over to keep myself strong in NC and focus on reality. I've posted the lyrics below ... .read them.  You don't have to even say you need NC to your ex.  Your power is in NC.  as you, I wanted my ex to respond, etc... .I had the same thing happen with calls, etc and my physical reactions were the same.  Now that I've had NC for an extended period of time and I've challenged myself to actively & gently move my ex out of my thoughts as she comes into my mind... .I'm finally clearing and its getting easier.  We are not our thoughts but we can work on our thoughts to make them work better for us.  I've found that spending time with friends, doing things to have fun (even if it feels like an effort) has helped - I've had to "change the movie reel" so to speak.  I also think I've had to earn back my own trust in myself to make good decisions on my own behalf and protect myself --- as I accepted a lot of lying, manipulation, emotional and physical abuse even.  This to me is crucial ... .be your own best friend and stay strong for Narellan.

- Phoenix

Lyrics to "Jar Of Hearts"

I know I can't take one more step towards you

'Cause all that's waiting is regret

Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

'Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

Tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

[cosmonaut]

I know this has been a moment you have been expecting (and dreading).  I'm glad to hear that you are feeling great about it.  I think it's validating to know that you are being thought of - that you haven't been forgotten.  I'm happy that you've received that.   

Good idea, too, about having a plan in mind on what to do if you ever do run into him.  It's wise to prepare to protect yourself.

Anyway, I just wanted to say congrats and I'm proud of you.  And happy for you.

[goldylamont]

Thankyou all 

Rollercoaster that's exactly what I'm doing. I enjoyed feeling something other than sadness or numbness and it made me feel good for a few hours. And it made me feel strong. I have no intention of reaching back to him. I've gone over my response if he comes to my door again, which he will. Planning what to say to end it for good makes me feel good too. I've gone over ever possible scenario in my head and I'm prepared right down to the fake mask ill be wearing to show him I've moved on. It's going to be really hard for me because I'm not a liar. Everything I say and do is honest. But responding to a BPD and showing hurt and pain is not the right way to go. That will keep him hooked and trying harder.

As much as I want him to know my feelings and how devastated I am, i know enough about BPD to know he will get satisfaction out of seeing he's hurt me. So I will lie and be blank and say NC anymore. The past is the past. I have no intention of staying friends with him to allow him any more access to my heart. And I can do this if I keep the conversation very brief and hold onto my real pain until he's gone.

Narellan i was going to post something and then i read your response above and realized you're in the perfect mind state already. let this contact from him boost your ego if it has that effect. and channel this extra boost into your practice of NC. in this way, after all of the games that were played before, you're getting back some of the control and energy from the situation. he's put the ball in your court, but he's probably used to women that will keep playing the game with him. instead of lobbing the ball back over to him, we can catch it, keep it for a while then throw it in the trash can as we walk off the court. no words being said.

my ex called me after we hadn't spoken for 6 months. there was never any outright statement of NC, but i realized that she was up to her same tricks of trying to string me along while she pursued other men while lying about it. so i swore of contacting her. i ended up taking this call at the time and we actually managed to have a pleasant conversation. i did have to wear the 'fake mask' as you said, in the sense that i refused to bring up or discuss any negative issues with her. we just talked for 10 min or so about what we were up to... .i made sure i mentioned my current gf as well, not to try to hurt her but to let her know where my commitments lay. in any case, after this call i received several texts and FB messages from my ex trying to re-engage. i only answered one FB message where she asked for the number to one of my friends, so i gave it to her. it turns out she was calling my friend to try and set her up on a date with some other guy--i really didn't mind, but recognize this was her way i think to try and make me jealous? anyways, i pretty much ignored all further contact from her, texts went unanswered. i had gotten what i needed, which was a decent and civil conversation. and honestly a little ego boost where i let her play her cards to try and re-engage while i ignored her. it's not closure in any sense of the case but more aligned with how i'd like to story to be told. my ex has tons of people she's abused that she can call upon to respond to her beck and call, and then there's me with that 'kiss my ass' attitude, even though i never spoke a word

[Narellan]

Phoenix, cosmonaut and Goldylamont Thankyou guys. Big love to you all  

I will keep that song in my head and yes I'm feeling very strong about NC. I have nothing to say. I was up during the night at work ( clients not sleeping arghhh) and I did sneak a peek at his FB. I saw that the past few weeks he is posting all over this new girls photos and she posting on his. He made a comment on one of her disgusting erotic photos " little miss passion pants" and she liked his comment. She is one of  the skankiest girls I've ever seen . Covered in tatts, really hard looking woman in her late 40's. mutton dressed up as lamb. He hates tattooes . I'm glad I looked, because it cements everything in my head even more. He has really lowered the bar he said he raised by being with me. And I didn't feel anything about it except humoured. No sadness or pain, this is who he is. Radical acceptance now. He's not posting this to get a response from me, he doesn't think I can see it because I'm not on FB.

This is my closure. And I've come out alive. Yay me.

I won't be wasting anymore time romanticising who I thought he was. I'm done.

Thanks again, I love you guys. Xx

[patientandclear]

Narellan, this does remind me so much of when my ex reached out after about 3 months of NC with a sweet seeming email.  I referenced it above in this thread.  Had I not had additional information from mutual friends, I would never have known (and he apparently wasn't planning on revealing) that he was simultaneously hot on the trail of one of my colleagues from my office -- a woman he'd previously dated.

Things are often not what they appear with these relationships.  I'm glad you got the additional information.

[sea_of_wounds]

Reading all the responses here, I just had the realisation that they are more likely to reach out when they are feeling an "ego high" from their current new "utensil"---so therefore, feeling more confident to reach out to us, their current good feelings acting as a "protection" from a possible rejection.  They have something to fall back into readily, no sweat, no tears.  Makes it easier for them to send out a feeler, and retreat into their current r/s if they don't receive the reply they want.

Just an idea.  Not sure if that's part of it, but I wonder if they reach out when they aren't so vulnerable, because truly being vulnerable, with no one to fall back on, would make it scary for them to face a possible non-response from us.

[patientandclear]

I think that might sometimes be true Sea of Wounds, but more often my sense is it's the opposite: they reach out to us to gain their confidence from us in order to take a risk with the other r/ship. We are their baseline confidence booster allowing them to try to care more deeply for someone else.

[Narellan]

Yes P and C agreed. I'm so glad I have lots of info now and I see him in a different light. Had I not known about he and my best friend I would have recycled probably. As much as I hate the fact that I had to stoop so low by hacking his FB, it was the best result because the affair was exposed. And it also showed me my best friends true colours. As much as it destroyed me at the time, I'd rather know than be lied to and seen to be gullible. Plus then I knew I wasn't a paranoid crazy person. I went with my gut and it was spot on. Also seaofwounds that's a good point. My exBPD always has a triangulation of sorts going on with one in the dark so he probably had this new girl on the scene when he came to my door. It was definitely already all off with my former best friend, so he may have been looking for the third player both times he's reached out.

It's refreshing in a way to finally see them for who they are. I don't have any anger toward him, no ill feelings. I just feel satisfied today to know the facts and see it all clearly.

But that's today... .Who knows where I'll be in a week. 

[sea_of_wounds]

I can see that as a very real possibility, too, PC.  That makes sense as well.   :'(  Not to our broken hearts, but it makes sense for the disorder to work that way when so much of the underlying roots involve need for supply boosts if things are feeling "shaky" for them.

Narellen, I am glad this call today has given you some sense of validation and relief.   I keep returning to the idea of "ambiguous loss"---which I think define many, if not most, of the endings of relationships with a PD.  There really is no closure, in the conventional sense, and healing takes extra long as a result.  It's when we get fresh examples of their difficult/hurtful behavoiur, that we remember why things were crumbling, why we were in so much pain.

It's so hard when time, at first, makes us doubt our perceptions.  When we have a clear and obvious example of their "true colours"---I think it gives us a little burst in our healing.

I am not sure I will ever get such a validation, so I must continue trying to find peace with my choice.  Fiercely hard, fierce pain. 

[Aussie JJ]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuvdzBt64RQ

This works for me, so many songs that just 'fit'

[Narellan]

I don't know where I'd be without you all... .My new best friends 

Thankyou all x

[peiper]

Narellan I hate to admit it but deep inside I wish she would call. You hang in there.

[Narellan]

Peiper you don't ned to hate to admit that! Lots of us here feel exactly that way. It validates that we meant something to them. And they are thinking of us. I feel really good about it. I will explore why with my T 

I guess when it all ends abruptly we want to know why. What's wrong with me type of questions... Usually there is a reason for a breakup. For me now I'm certain of the reason. BPD but before he attempted these two contacts I was only guessing it was BPD. It's really like a weight off my shoulders today to feel like I know the answer. We all need that. 

[peiper]

I agree. They can sure destroy a persons self esteem.

[patientandclear]

Yes P and C agreed. I'm so glad I have lots of info now and I see him in a different light. Had I not known about he and my best friend I would have recycled probably. As much as I hate the fact that I had to stoop so low by hacking his FB, it was the best result because the affair was exposed. And it also showed me my best friends true colours. As much as it destroyed me at the time, I'd rather know than be lied to and seen to be gullible. Plus then I knew I wasn't a paranoid crazy person. I went with my gut and it was spot on. Also seaofwounds that's a good point. My exBPD always has a triangulation of sorts going on with one in the dark so he probably had this new girl on the scene when he came to my door. It was definitely already all off with my former best friend, so he may have been looking for the third player both times he's reached out.

It's refreshing in a way to finally see them for who they are. I don't have any anger toward him, no ill feelings. I just feel satisfied today to know the facts and see it all clearly.

It's bittersweet to know more -- for sure.  Sometimes I actually come close to regretting the information I had which prevented me from taking his various overtures at face value.  If I hadn't known what I did -- if I had been as disarmed as his current gf, who knows nothing of any of his history since he moved cities and has not connected the various strands of his life at all -- I think back on the content of his messages and yes, I'd certainly have recycled in a heartbeat.  It would seem to be everything I'd been hoping for.

With the knowledge I have thanks to friends and a tiny bit of internet research, I just can't do it.  I would need him to come to me with some commitment to change his patterns of engaging women, and he isn't going to do that.  What's remarkable is that he is still playing this as if I am an idiot.  That isn't endearing him to me, either.

[Narellan]

Yes it's bittersweet. I'm still amazed both my best friend and him can pretend like nothing happened. I saw it in black and white and color pics to each other. And he's still playing it like I'm an idiot too... .I kind of like sitting smugly knowing what I know. No need for them to know that. They truly live in a fantasy world. Not able to face the truth.