Confronting their tactics head on

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I broke up with my BPDgf a few months ago after 3 years of off an on, since then, as was the same last time, she immediately took up with a friend, not someone close enough to ever hear how out of her mind she was, but one close enough to where if I go out they will likely be there.

I'm able to see that he is a pawn, just like I was, just like the man last year was, and I'm no longer emotionally attached in the slightest, yet seeing them does cause a physical reaction; my heart drops, I feel flush and a little anxious. I

know that I essentially have to put my life on hold if I don't want to see them, but I'm wondering for those who have been through something similar, does just forcing yourself to see them lessen any of the difficulty?

[Housman]

I broke up with my BPDgf a few months ago after 3 years of off an on, since then, as was the same last time, she immediately took up with a friend, not someone close enough to ever hear how out of her mind she was, but one close enough to where if I go out they will likely be there.

I'm able to see that he is a pawn, just like I was, just like the man last year was, and I'm no longer emotionally attached in the slightest, yet seeing them does cause a physical reaction; my heart drops, I feel flush and a little anxious. I

know that I essentially have to put my life on hold if I don't want to see them, but I'm wondering for those who have been through something similar, does just forcing yourself to see them lessen any of the difficulty?

[Blimblam]

In my experience forcing myself to see them only served to hurt me more and enter further into denial.  It may be different for others.  

For my first ex who is BPD to get to that point took me 2 years and a large chunk of time dedicated to rewirimg the neural pathways in my brain in self reflection and solitude.

[Housman]

In my experience forcing myself to see them only served to hurt me more and enter further into denial.  It may be different for others.  

For my first ex who is BPD to get to that point took me 2 years and a large chunk of time dedicated to rewirimg the neural pathways in my brain in self reflection and solitude.

The first time it happened I was completely devastated and tried to take my own life twice. I never even saw her and the first guy. But this second time around I guess I know what's in store for him and it hurts less? I know that, whether he realizes he's being used to hurt me, or they just have a typical BPD relationship and he eventually splits him black there will be no happy ending. I'm not in denial that he's having the best time of his life now and probably feels like a sex god, but i know it isn't true. I've dedicated a huge chunk of my time to these thoughts, but I think in many ways you're right. I'm probably still just not quite there, though I yearn so badly to be.

thank you. How do you feel two years on?

[Mutt]

I still get triggered if I see my ex and the replacement and it's 15 months out from the seperation. It's likely due to the horrible way she broke up and it all happened suddenly. I have kids so I can't go complete no contact, I'm at minimal contact. The only time I see either is at pick-up at her house on exchange days with the kids. Sometimes he is there, he shy's away so I don't feel shame or guilt I can he does though, i just feel triggered and PTSD doesn't help. My advice, go no contact and stay out of their way. Detach, heal, take good care of yourself and get out of the FOG. It gets better.

[toomanytears]

I still get triggered if I see my ex and the replacement and it's 15 months out from the seperation. It's likely due to the horrible way she broke up and it all happened suddenly. I have kids so I can't go complete no contact, I'm at minimal contact. The only time I see either is at pick-up at her house on exchange days with the kids. Sometimes he is there, he shy's away so I don't feel shame or guilt I can he does though, i just feel triggered and PTSD doesn't help. My advice, go no contact and stay out of their way. Detach, heal, take good care of yourself and get out of the FOG. It gets better.

Sometimes I find testing the water useful because if I go too long without contact I start to forget and idealise. When I do have to get in touch the response is unpleasant. That helps me to see him for what he is again and that I am now in a much better place without him.

[Mutt]

She said something at the kid exchange today and tried to FOG me with guilt. That's enough for me to be reminded and it was all but a minute long or less. Once I was out of the FOG, I see things for what they are.

[Aussie JJ]

Mine was super polite at the handover just then, put me up briefly.  I asked a question, "why are you doing this again?" 

Then bam, instant I'm an arsehole. 

Not infront of the kid etc etc.  I just replied, their never is a time  without it being infront of our son.  Your job is to pick him up and leave.  She said you always do this, it was my fault again. 

I smilled and said, "J****, I will always love you, it is hard not to, I just recognise that I can never act on those feelings and emotions because your unwilling to recognise your own flaws and work on them.  Goodbye." 

So now I'm painted black again. 




I have found that with some of the more obvious tactics, when I nammed and shamed them to her she stopped instantly, triangulation, blackmail, being a psychologist for our son.  I'm sure they are still there but she suppresses them as I will call her on it.  If you are able to man, go NC.  I know how you feel about her, we all feel that way but it's now prolonging your pain.  At the moment I just stopped crying again because it absolutly destroys me how she treats me and uses our son as a 'tool' to manipulate me. 

[Blimblam]

In my experience forcing myself to see them only served to hurt me more and enter further into denial.  It may be different for others.  

For my first ex who is BPD to get to that point took me 2 years and a large chunk of time dedicated to rewirimg the neural pathways in my brain in self reflection and solitude.

The first time it happened I was completely devastated and tried to take my own life twice. I never even saw her and the first guy. But this second time around I guess I know what's in store for him and it hurts less? I know that, whether he realizes he's being used to hurt me, or they just have a typical BPD relationship and he eventually splits him black there will be no happy ending. I'm not in denial that he's having the best time of his life now and probably feels like a sex god, but i know it isn't true. I've dedicated a huge chunk of my time to these thoughts, but I think in many ways you're right. I'm probably still just not quite there, though I yearn so badly to be.

thank you. How do you feel two years on?

How are you feeling these days? 

I was very close to killing myself about a month ago. I understand how incredibly painfull this experience is.  Reading on here and posting a lot and the support of this community literally saved my life. There is something about letting it out on here to people that understand that is incredibly healing.

You sound like you have a grasp on situation logically which is good!  For me my denial was I want carrying around hope for it to work out one day. It was on an unconscious level your body feels it though. Everything I did a part of me carried that hope around for years.  I was no contact but every few months I would see her somewhere and it became painfully obvious I wasn't over her.  After maybe two months alone in the woods with just me and my mind I worked through a lot of my internal issues and fulle detached from her.  After about 6 months alone in the woods I got through most of my own internal issues. 

But years later I went back with a borderline an realize after being ripped open once again I still have deeper core truama that I am now doing my best to work through.