Do smear campaigns hold them accountable?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Bit of a tricky question.

To make a long story short, my ex and I were quite young when we first got involved with each other (17/15). When she started talking about abuse at home I archived a lot of her worrisome messages and made a mental note of certain key phrases to search for in the conversation - you know, just in-case something truly was going on at home and I needed to vouch for her. On top of this, I never deleted any text messages from her when I finally got a phone (I was a bit late to the party), so there's timestamped proof of us meeting up and doing things together, or simply talking as if we were a couple.

Like all of you I was eventually painted black and her form of damage control was to simply deny everything and claim I was some creepy stalker or whatever. I don't take crap from people and didn't think any of her beta orbiters would come after me with a crowbar if I fought fire with fire, so I leaked a fair bit of these worrisome facebook/text messages to the general public on high-traffic websites; there's a huge audience for crazy ex stories and it showed. I didn't bother censoring her name (or mine) and they spread to her social circle pretty quickly.

Nobody came after me. In fact I got pretty unanimous praise from others, saying I did the right thing by holding her accountable for her actions, or people who'd heard through the grapevine that my ex "wasn't all there mentally" but nobody could confirm it until now. Even her dad, who initially wanted to press charges against me, backed down once I linked him to the full collection of her ramblings - most of which included fictional tales of abuse where her dad was the main culprit, lengthy rants directed at her parents for oppressing her in ways only she could comprehend, over-dramatic confessions on how I was the best thing to ever happen to her, as well as your standard info exchanging and banter where the only conclusion you could draw from everything is that we were more than friends and she has issues. All of these posts can easily be found by typing her name into Google.

Now, her family was pretty affluent - they lived in a very upscale suburb and even from her few positive remarks and Facebook posts about them, it was obvious they had money. It would have been no challenge for them to find a good lawyer, take me to court, and win. I'm sure her dad was fed a garbage story to begin with, but his anger over seeing his daughter's name and reputation dragged through the mud should have made him press on with the court case anyways... .right? Or did what he see in the posts resonate with him?

But what I'd like to know, is if this kind of smear campaign is a valid way to hold people with BPD accountable for their actions? Cause I mean, they can't cry to daddy or their beta orbiters that someone's "making up stories" about them and triangulate if the non has already proven the "crackhead stories" are in fact the truth.

[.cup.car]

Bit of a tricky question.

To make a long story short, my ex and I were quite young when we first got involved with each other (17/15). When she started talking about abuse at home I archived a lot of her worrisome messages and made a mental note of certain key phrases to search for in the conversation - you know, just in-case something truly was going on at home and I needed to vouch for her. On top of this, I never deleted any text messages from her when I finally got a phone (I was a bit late to the party), so there's timestamped proof of us meeting up and doing things together, or simply talking as if we were a couple.

Like all of you I was eventually painted black and her form of damage control was to simply deny everything and claim I was some creepy stalker or whatever. I don't take crap from people and didn't think any of her beta orbiters would come after me with a crowbar if I fought fire with fire, so I leaked a fair bit of these worrisome facebook/text messages to the general public on high-traffic websites; there's a huge audience for crazy ex stories and it showed. I didn't bother censoring her name (or mine) and they spread to her social circle pretty quickly.

Nobody came after me. In fact I got pretty unanimous praise from others, saying I did the right thing by holding her accountable for her actions, or people who'd heard through the grapevine that my ex "wasn't all there mentally" but nobody could confirm it until now. Even her dad, who initially wanted to press charges against me, backed down once I linked him to the full collection of her ramblings - most of which included fictional tales of abuse where her dad was the main culprit, lengthy rants directed at her parents for oppressing her in ways only she could comprehend, over-dramatic confessions on how I was the best thing to ever happen to her, as well as your standard info exchanging and banter where the only conclusion you could draw from everything is that we were more than friends and she has issues. All of these posts can easily be found by typing her name into Google.

Now, her family was pretty affluent - they lived in a very upscale suburb and even from her few positive remarks and Facebook posts about them, it was obvious they had money. It would have been no challenge for them to find a good lawyer, take me to court, and win. I'm sure her dad was fed a garbage story to begin with, but his anger over seeing his daughter's name and reputation dragged through the mud should have made him press on with the court case anyways... .right? Or did what he see in the posts resonate with him?

But what I'd like to know, is if this kind of smear campaign is a valid way to hold people with BPD accountable for their actions? Cause I mean, they can't cry to daddy or their beta orbiters that someone's "making up stories" about them and triangulate if the non has already proven the "crackhead stories" are in fact the truth.

[AwakenedOne]

I understand your pain and frustration but I don't agree with what you did. Smearing your ex's name for the world to see is not the way to deal with someone with a mental disorder. This action only results in shaming her and embarrassing her family. You just about got yourself arrested. Maybe what she said about her dad is actually true? After someone breaks up with us I think we don't need to focus on holding them accountable. Our focus should be more on detaching.

[goldylamont]

well, personally i don't see anything wrong with what you did. i think it's awesome that you were able to clear your name. manipulative people thrive off of their lies and ability to use triangulation and other techniques to play people against each other. it's rare to be able to make a solid case and expose them for who they are. kudos to you for achieving this.

i will say though, what you're doing is pretty risky. if so far this has been a win for you, i would stop there. don't put yourself in any more risk of having this backlash on you. make sure you take a strong stance that you aren't bitter about anything but just needed to set the record straight. show an air of compassion and detachment going forward to ensure others your motive was transparency rather than revenge. and if you make it out of this unscathed then smile to yourself!

[.cup.car]

I understand your pain and frustration but I don't agree with what you did. Smearing your ex's name for the world to see is not the way to deal with someone with a mental disorder. This action only results in shaming her and embarrassing her family. You just about got yourself arrested. Maybe what she said about her dad is actually true? After someone breaks up with us I think we don't need to focus on holding them accountable. Our focus should be more on detaching.

Aside from laws that protect minors from extreme cases of bullying, the internet is still a highly sophisticated "bathroom wall" where almost anything goes. The laws that allow us to speak freely about the government and spread highly inaccurate rumors/gossip about celebrities are the same laws that allow us to talk crap about people who have wronged us. Not to mention the obvious fact that situations like these don't actually concern law enforcement to begin with - no matter how well you are able to skew the wording in your favor, it still boils down to "somebody is saying mean things about somebody else on the internet!" That is not something that warrants a call to the police.

[.cup.car]

well, personally i don't see anything wrong with what you did. i think it's awesome that you were able to clear your name. manipulative people thrive off of their lies and ability to use triangulation and other techniques to play people against each other. it's rare to be able to make a solid case and expose them for who they are. kudos to you for achieving this.

i will say though, what you're doing is pretty risky. if so far this has been a win for you, i would stop there. don't put yourself in any more risk of having this backlash on you. make sure you take a strong stance that you aren't bitter about anything but just needed to set the record straight. show an air of compassion and detachment going forward to ensure others your motive was transparency rather than revenge. and if you make it out of this unscathed then smile to yourself!

I agree that it was a risky move, but as I said above, the only conclusion you could draw from the posts is that we were more than friends and she has issues - those being the two things she was so adamantly denying.  It's almost impossible for a pwBPD to manipulate their family and beta orbiters into believing a non is "making up stories" about them, when the non is able to prove the pwBPD was inviting them over late at night, discussing very personal issues, arranging to go to concerts together, exchanging addresses/info, etc - this is what I did and it cleared my name.

I also agree about the "air of compassion" comment. In most of the posts, I mentioned that I did take the time to help this girl and it seemed to work - again backing that up with screencaptures of her idealization rants that painted me out to be some savior of hers. Again, a pwBPD can't convince others that you're some terrible person if you're able to produce evidence of her saying the exact opposite about you. Your average person will add this all up and realize the pwBPD is heavily skewing parts of the story and shouldn't be trusted, preventing any sort of manipulation from occurring.

It makes me feel bad for a lot of non's on this board who were the victim of manipulation and triangulating, because what I've detailed above is literally all you have to do to avoid it. 

[AwakenedOne]

I understand your pain and frustration but I don't agree with what you did. Smearing your ex's name for the world to see is not the way to deal with someone with a mental disorder. This action only results in shaming her and embarrassing her family. You just about got yourself arrested. Maybe what she said about her dad is actually true? After someone breaks up with us I think we don't need to focus on holding them accountable. Our focus should be more on detaching.

Aside from laws that protect minors from extreme cases of bullying, the internet is still a highly sophisticated "bathroom wall" where almost anything goes. The laws that allow us to speak freely about the government and spread highly inaccurate rumors/gossip about celebrities are the same laws that allow us to talk crap about people who have wronged us. Not to mention the obvious fact that situations like these don't actually concern law enforcement to begin with - no matter how well you are able to skew the wording in your favor, it still boils down to "somebody is saying mean things about somebody else on the internet!" That is not something that warrants a call to the police.

The way I read your previous post, it seemed like you were admitting that he had grounds to press charges on you. The thing that would be terrible though is if her dad really abused her. He backed down when you starting linking him to the story. My ex smeared my name also, it sucks. If I tried to clear my name though nothing good would happen. I just backed off and moved on. They can all have her and believe her insane lies all they want.

[fromheeltoheal]

Busting a borderline for a lie is pretty easy, since there are so many of them, but getting a borderline to take responsibility for those lies or their actions will never happen, such is the disorder.

You're relatively new to this site and I don't know your story, but you sound still in the thick of it.  It takes what it takes, but a healthier way for you in the long run is to let go of the 'fight fire with fire' mindset, show up in the world with integrity, honesty and authenticity, and then have faith that if she says something false to people who really know and care about you, they will just laugh it off as complete bullsht, which they will, and she'll dig her own hole.  Start focusing in that direction if you can, and take care of you!

[Mutt]

Best thing to do is nothing. The truth has a way of working it's way out.

Let her smear campaign begin, and keep your distance. Maintain radio silence, because there is no need to bargain with an emotional terrorist who threatens you. Realize that Borderlines never really give up an insecure attachment when the insecurity is what fuels their distorted belief system.  You see, you are very useful in that regard.

If you let go, then she can find a new replacement to take your place. I know that sounds callous, but this is about need. BPD is an attachment disorder, and some Borderlines, especially waifs, buy protection out of weakness, rather than strength. That means they will appear victimized in order to find new rescuers and the insecure attachment to those rescuers will begin to take over your dynamic.

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