I'm freaking out

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm sorry if I'm posting too much, but I just have to get this out of me.  I came to this board to deal with issues from my recent breakup with my exbf who was officially diagnosed with BPD, among other things.  In the process of that I realized that my ex-husband is clearly also BPD.  A fact I merely found interesting since we have been divorced for almost 4 years now and I had totally moved on and accepted it for what it was.  I've been peacefully NC with my exbf and there is nothing to report with that.  But now, holy cow!  Everything had flipped upside down with my ex-husband.  He has done a COMPLETE 180 and is being Mr. Wonderful out of the clear blue sky.  He has had our son overnight 4 times in the past 5 weeks and before that he hadn't had him in over a year.  He is suddenly being ridiculously nice to me even though I have been the devil incarnate for as long as I can remember.  I'm so mad at myself for even considering that we might be able to work things out after all this time.  It is very obvious that all he needs is one green light from me and we could be back on.  This is CRAZY!  I never expected this in a million years.  And to make matters worse, even people in my family who know everything I went through with him are saying things like, "Well, you never know.  Things could work out.  Just pray about it.  Blah, blah, blah."  NO!  I can't even entertain these thoughts!  So here is a list of all the things he did during our 10 years of marriage:

1.)  He quit job after job and did not care how our bills were paid.  He quit a really good job with good benefits and insurance right after our son was born to start his own business, never made any money, didn't care, decided he was too depressed to work for months after the business failed.  BUT, screamed in my face that I was a whore for working in a bar when I took a second job as a bartender to keep our lights on.

2.)  He caused me to lose my business that I owned for 12 years because I stopped paying my business rent so that I could pay our mortgage.  It didn't work and we lost our house to foreclosure anyway.

3.) The week our house went into foreclosure he bought a motorcycle.

4.)  He slept all day, woke up and smoked pot and would leave to go hang out with friends never telling me where he was going or when he would be back.

5.) Was rarely available for family get togethers or holidays.  He was always hung over or just had better things to do.  It was humiliating to always have to make excuses for why I was alone on Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever.  Again.

6.)  He used our basement as a place to grow pot, always with the intention of harvesting it and making a ton of money, spent all his time at home down there tending to them and creating complex irrigation systems, but something always happened and they would die and it was all for nothing.  I ALLOWED THIS WITH A SMALL CHILD IN THE HOUSE!  SHAME ON ME!  You could smell it from the street and we could easily have been found out and arrested.  SERIOUS boundary issues on my part.

7.) The night my dad died he left me sobbing on the floor, walked out the door without a word and went to a bar with his buddies.

8.) When I was in labor with our son they made me walk laps around the inside of the hospital to speed up the process and I had to stop periodically and throw up in random restrooms.  He went to the car and took a nap.

9.)  I was in labor for 44 hours, had an emergency C-section and our son was in NICU.  Meanwhile, all he did was talk on the phone to his friends complaining about how uncomfortable the couch was that he had to sleep on.  He finally went home and left me at the hospital alone and scared.  He did not care in the least.

10.) All of my memories of my son as a baby are of he and I doing things alone.  I was a single mom way before I was officially a single mom.

11.) The day I finally decided I was leaving I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store counting quarters to buy milk.  I called him and he was sitting in a restaurant having sushi for lunch.  I then took our son to speech therapy (he has Autism) and he said his first original sentence to the therapist.  "My mommy cries."

12.) After I left I had to live with my mother and was responsible for a special needs child 24/7 who would tantrum and destroy things.  I was constantly managing therapy and behavior plans with therapists and having meetings with teachers, etc.  Completely stressed out.  Meanwhile he was having the time of his life posting pictures on Facebook with girls and partying on boats, etc.  Sometimes we wouldn't hear from him for 2 weeks and when we did he would tell me what a horrible person I was.

13.) When I finally met someone (BPDex) and thought I found happiness he was irate and I was a complete whore.  He used this as an excuse to punish me and not see his son for extended periods of time.

14.)  He was $3000 behind on child support and when the IRS intercepted his tax refund and gave it to me he started being nice to me for a week or so and then asked if I would give him half of it back.  I DID!  SHAME ON ME! and he immediately started being mean and distant again.

15.)  Within the past 2 months he posted a saying on his Facebook page:  Marriage is like a card game.  It starts with a diamond and two hearts and ends with wishing you had a club and a spade.

I apologize for the length of this post.  I bet I could double it, but I'm feeling better getting this much off my chest.  I was worried and thought I was having trouble getting to the anger part of detaching, but now I'm doing just fine.  Thanks for listening.

[Karmachameleon]

I'm sorry if I'm posting too much, but I just have to get this out of me.  I came to this board to deal with issues from my recent breakup with my exbf who was officially diagnosed with BPD, among other things.  In the process of that I realized that my ex-husband is clearly also BPD.  A fact I merely found interesting since we have been divorced for almost 4 years now and I had totally moved on and accepted it for what it was.  I've been peacefully NC with my exbf and there is nothing to report with that.  But now, holy cow!  Everything had flipped upside down with my ex-husband.  He has done a COMPLETE 180 and is being Mr. Wonderful out of the clear blue sky.  He has had our son overnight 4 times in the past 5 weeks and before that he hadn't had him in over a year.  He is suddenly being ridiculously nice to me even though I have been the devil incarnate for as long as I can remember.  I'm so mad at myself for even considering that we might be able to work things out after all this time.  It is very obvious that all he needs is one green light from me and we could be back on.  This is CRAZY!  I never expected this in a million years.  And to make matters worse, even people in my family who know everything I went through with him are saying things like, "Well, you never know.  Things could work out.  Just pray about it.  Blah, blah, blah."  NO!  I can't even entertain these thoughts!  So here is a list of all the things he did during our 10 years of marriage:

1.)  He quit job after job and did not care how our bills were paid.  He quit a really good job with good benefits and insurance right after our son was born to start his own business, never made any money, didn't care, decided he was too depressed to work for months after the business failed.  BUT, screamed in my face that I was a whore for working in a bar when I took a second job as a bartender to keep our lights on.

2.)  He caused me to lose my business that I owned for 12 years because I stopped paying my business rent so that I could pay our mortgage.  It didn't work and we lost our house to foreclosure anyway.

3.) The week our house went into foreclosure he bought a motorcycle.

4.)  He slept all day, woke up and smoked pot and would leave to go hang out with friends never telling me where he was going or when he would be back.

5.) Was rarely available for family get togethers or holidays.  He was always hung over or just had better things to do.  It was humiliating to always have to make excuses for why I was alone on Christmas, Thanksgiving, whatever.  Again.

6.)  He used our basement as a place to grow pot, always with the intention of harvesting it and making a ton of money, spent all his time at home down there tending to them and creating complex irrigation systems, but something always happened and they would die and it was all for nothing.  I ALLOWED THIS WITH A SMALL CHILD IN THE HOUSE!  SHAME ON ME!  You could smell it from the street and we could easily have been found out and arrested.  SERIOUS boundary issues on my part.

7.) The night my dad died he left me sobbing on the floor, walked out the door without a word and went to a bar with his buddies.

8.) When I was in labor with our son they made me walk laps around the inside of the hospital to speed up the process and I had to stop periodically and throw up in random restrooms.  He went to the car and took a nap.

9.)  I was in labor for 44 hours, had an emergency C-section and our son was in NICU.  Meanwhile, all he did was talk on the phone to his friends complaining about how uncomfortable the couch was that he had to sleep on.  He finally went home and left me at the hospital alone and scared.  He did not care in the least.

10.) All of my memories of my son as a baby are of he and I doing things alone.  I was a single mom way before I was officially a single mom.

11.) The day I finally decided I was leaving I was sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store counting quarters to buy milk.  I called him and he was sitting in a restaurant having sushi for lunch.  I then took our son to speech therapy (he has Autism) and he said his first original sentence to the therapist.  "My mommy cries."

12.) After I left I had to live with my mother and was responsible for a special needs child 24/7 who would tantrum and destroy things.  I was constantly managing therapy and behavior plans with therapists and having meetings with teachers, etc.  Completely stressed out.  Meanwhile he was having the time of his life posting pictures on Facebook with girls and partying on boats, etc.  Sometimes we wouldn't hear from him for 2 weeks and when we did he would tell me what a horrible person I was.

13.) When I finally met someone (BPDex) and thought I found happiness he was irate and I was a complete whore.  He used this as an excuse to punish me and not see his son for extended periods of time.

14.)  He was $3000 behind on child support and when the IRS intercepted his tax refund and gave it to me he started being nice to me for a week or so and then asked if I would give him half of it back.  I DID!  SHAME ON ME! and he immediately started being mean and distant again.

15.)  Within the past 2 months he posted a saying on his Facebook page:  Marriage is like a card game.  It starts with a diamond and two hearts and ends with wishing you had a club and a spade.

I apologize for the length of this post.  I bet I could double it, but I'm feeling better getting this much off my chest.  I was worried and thought I was having trouble getting to the anger part of detaching, but now I'm doing just fine.  Thanks for listening.

[patientandclear]

Yes, you do seem to be doing fine

I was married to your exH. For all practical purposes. Not the guy w/BPD who brought me to this board--my exH had other issues, serious ones. But the behavior--almost identical to what you're describing, down to the abysmal behavior when my daughter was born.

We split 7 years ago now. The first two years were awful--a heavily contested divorce, me testifying in a divorce trial about all this and more. But since then things have gradually warmed and I too have experienced astonishing events in which he acts responsibly and does way more than he has to or than he ever has before. I would say now we are truly friends, sometimes good friends. He's fun for me to be with, he knows me well, we have a lot of history. Every so often I would entertain that same thought--maybe? Maybe there would be some future for us?

But. Fundamentally, he still has all those bad habits and they crop up when he gets stressed. I made the mistake of telling him about some confidential information to do with my BPD r/s, and he turned around and blackmailed me with it, threatening to tell others who would have found it very painful, and embarrassing me a lot,  if I wouldn't give him money. He later excused this saying he was really panicked and didn't know what else to do. Oh ... .OK.

And there have been several other episodes which, while rarer than previously, show that at bottom he still has the same instincts and coping mechanisms.

People at bottom don't usually change all that much without being able to articulate how and when they exchanged one value system for another.  I would be very surprised if the guy who could do the things you listed is someone you want to sign on for another tour with.

[x1985x]

Wow Karma. Reading that brought tears to my eyes.

You were so strong to live through that hellish treatment. Reading that, it is painfully clear that he couldn't care less about your well being, your stress, really anything to do with you and your family. I am so sorry that you were in that position, you never deserved that.

Some things are unforgivable. Reading that list, I wouldn't forgive him for most all of those. I'm glad that he has been a better father recently, but you know what he put you through. It breaks my heart that you would feel an ounce of sadness for someone who treated you like a doormat, no, even worse than that. When you said he went and took a nap while you were in the hospital, I wanted to throw my iPad across the room. That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard of. How could you be so cold to someone you "love?" I would have been glued to your side, your hand would have been crushed by mine. I know how afraid and alone you must have felt. God, I just can't believe that. Someone who is carrying your child, getting sick, hurting, feeling pain and anxiety for you and your child, and you take a f__king nap? You're tired? You don't want to deal with it?

He is a scumbag for that. Perhaps he has changed and is a better person now. I would hope so. However, he wasn't there when you needed him, not even close. Your memories are what they are, because he chose to abuse and neglect you. I truly hope that you know how strong you are. You lived through that and you are still here, still helping others with your story. You went through things that others can't imagine, yet you live on.

Your son is so lucky to have you as his mother.

You have incredible strength in you.

I wish you all the luck and blessings in this world, you deserve them. Please know that you are worth so much more than anything he could ever offer you. It is, of course, your path to walk. I just know in my heart that there are far better things in store for you.

All my best to you and yours. Truly, be happy. You are amazing and totally inspiring.

[Karmachameleon]

Thank you so much for saying those things.  I really don't think anyone has actually told me I didn't deserve it.  I feel like my friends and family judged me for putting up with it.  Justifiable, I guess, but not helpful.  I had the strangest realization while I was reading what you wrote.  While all that stuff was happening I don't think I realized how awful it was or that I didn't deserve it.  I'm always of the mindset that I am so lucky compared to other people and I shouldn't complain about things.  At least I don't live in a 3rd world country or have a terminal illness, etc.  So it just went on and on and it's just how it was.  I never even communicated to him that it wasn't ok.  I would imagine if he read that list he would have a completely different perspective on everything that happened.  And yes, most of those things are unforgivable.  Complete deal breakers.  I can't explain why I could feel compassion for him at this point.  But, I picked up my son today and he is seemingly a completely different person.  It blows me away.  I was so overwhelmed with my feelings that I started crying as I was trying to get in my car and he noticed and made me hug him and said the nicest things and kissed my neck.  And I just want so badly to have a family.  And I know he is sad and lonely and I am sad and lonely and I'm just thinking crazy things.  I thought I was so far past this.  I have started spontaneously crying about a hundred times today.  I just can't control it.  I don't understand what is happening.  I've been at acceptance for 3 or more years and just like that I'm back to bargaining?  If that's possible then this whole process of detaching is hopeless for me.

[patientandclear]

So if he's still this way in 18 months, you know you might have something.  In some ways you have nothing to lose by watching and waiting.  If it is real, it will become clear it is real.  All you have to give up on is the idea of knowing for sure right now.

[x1985x]

I'm glad to help.

It is your life to live. I wish you the best. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect, always.