feeling guity for feeling angry.

[Ziggiddy]

The tension in my heart has been mounting and mounting.

Took my first trip away without uBPDm in years. She asked to come but to my surprise I ummed and ah'd and said no and didn't give in. It was therapeutic but oh so painful. I felt guilty for being relieved at the  lack of drama, stuff everywhere, endless shopping, filling my car up, tears and recrimination when I say I can't fit any more in my car. I don't want to eat that takeaway. I don't want my car overflowing with smelly takeaway containers. I'd like to sit quietly at night and read or draw or anything but getting caught up in endless conversations that always swing back to how everyone is mean to her, jealous of her or more and more lately: how everyone copies her and wants what she has.

Anyhow it was a letting go process and somewhere between being PMT, being away from home (I am a homebody) a huge storm and a full moon I was feeling ever ready to tear apart.

After the holiday I went around to take the kids to visit her and she is still seething quietly that my brother and I have been 'in collusion' and trying to discredit her (?wtw?) Also she is mad because I have maintained my boundaries and not come running after her to grovel and simper and make it all better which i have done for 40+ years. She is probably also annoyed that I declined to take her away with me.

I got mad. I got MAD. Why should I feel guilty for not taking responsibility to FIX us ALL the livelong time? it is childish and I don't WANT to fix it. <Crosses arms and huffs. And stamps foot just to make a point>

A side point: recently I was advised of an incredibly traumatic event in her life which has completely destabilised me because it is directly related to my entire identity.

So all of this roiling away inside me and my 2 most trusted advisor/counsellor/friends unavailable and it all just got too much.

In the course of looking for some documents I found a letter that my brother had written me 10 years ago. It contained a reply to the first letter I had sent him after a lengthy estrangement. I initiated  an attempt to try and reconstruct a r/ship after a huge amount of childhood/adolescent and young adult conflict.

His reply which contained a copy of my original letter seemed to me to ignore all the part he played in our estrangement and withheld rather unkindly much hope for an improvement without me demonstrating a good deal more good behaviour. At the time it hurt me.

Rereading it caused me to explode.

I was completely catapulted into rage for the terrible cruel AWFUL sick and humiliating way he had treated me as a kid.

And I do mean sick. Now, he has apologised to me for past treatment but I don't really  think he remembers a good deal of it.

I accept that that he was very badly wronged by our parents but I was enraged to think they beat me but he beat me more and worse. Regularly. And he had access when they were at work.

Teachers asked me if my parents were hitting me and I would say "No, it's my brother" And so that was all right then. Seriously?

Not only did I have to deal with him beating me maliciously (his word) but if I dare to tell on him I'd reap all the benefits of watching him copping a flogging before my eyes. Double whammy.

I KNOW he needs acknowledgment for the wrong that was done to him. I guess today I realised I need acknowledgement for the wrong that was done to me.

He has given me this in some measure. We are on the same team and I feel like I've put a huge puncture in our therapeutic growth and support. Now I'm scared that he will be mad at me for saying all the things...

And I feel so awfully guilty for having said them

Will I ever get well and just ... .I don't know. Stop feeling so bad? Stop wishing for things I just can't have?

[SomerledDottir]

Ahhh, Ziggiddy... .your pain is so palpable.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

You have a right to this pain, and all these angry feelings.  And you have a right to an acknowledgment of all the wrong that has been done to you, and all you've suffered.

When I first posted on this board, I believe it was Mutt that told me that most likely the only closure I would get from uBPDsis what the closure I gifted myself.  It looked like a tall order at the time, and sometimes still does, but those were some of the wisest words I've ever read in my life.  I feel like what you need, what you are seeking, is that acknowledgment and alot of peace.  Sadly, I think that it is likely that the most likely source at this time, at least, is yourself.

You're right: It is NOT your responsibility to be the fixer here and you have nothing to feel guilty about.  Recently, I read a piece in a magazine about the concept of "jubilee".  In the Bible, every 49 years, the Israelites had the jubilee -- all debts were cancelled, property was given back to its original owners, the slaves were freed, etc.  The reader, age 49 (my age, incidentally), asked the columnist, a rabbi, how (s)he might apply the jubilee concept to their own life.  The rabbi responded that we spend the first 49 years of our lives being the son/daughter/parent/spouse/employee that everyone thinks we should be; when we turn 49, it is up to us to spend that year carefully deciding who WE want to be, and when we turn 50, we should begin being that person.  I've begun that process.  Maybe you, too?  I don't think it's too early... .or too late.

[SomerledDottir]

Oh, and Ziggiddy, re: your brother --

You two had a difficult r/s for a long time, alot of damage done.  Remember this: it takes just a second or two to open a deep, bleeding cut on your body, or a bad bruise, but those injuries take days or weeks to heal.  Why do we expect our minds and hearts to heal any faster?  Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are relationships built or repaired in a short time, if we are to do it right.  Yes?

[Ziggiddy]

Oh SomerledDotir - thank you for your kind and wise words - and your sympathy. I'm feeling more turmoil than I can ever remember and feel like I've just shot my best friend accidentally - or maybe on purpose.

I was chilled when I read what you wrote of the Jubilee year. Why? because this very morning I read about that very thing in the Bible! Odd coincidence.

And a nice interpretation of it I may add.

All about renewal and fresh starts. Getting free of slavery. Repossession of the land.

I guess it's a hopeful thought that we can think what we choose. :'(

You have a right to this pain, and all these angry feelings.  And you have a right to an acknowledgment of all the wrong that has been done to you, and all you've suffered.

What an incredibly sympathetic thing to say. Thank you so much 

[SomerledDottir]

It's probably not a coincidence, Ziggiddy; I believe Whom we call God brings us together in given situation for a purpose.  Synchronicity is alive and well on bpdfamily.

Since things with uBPDsis blew up, I have been taking stock of my entire life, accompanied by the ears and hearts of sympathetic friends.  I've been telling stories that some have never heard before, due to what I believe is the nature of dealing with this disease, at least for me, a tendency to want to excavate the entire life, figure it out, mourn, sift, get rid of what doesn't serve me, save and nourish what does.  Maybe I'm in the stage of life that this process was inevitable anyway. 

As I've received shock and sympathy for things others didn't know I suffered, I've come away with two strong feelings:  We must have respect for the suffering we have endured, and our strength to have come this far.  And we must be gentle with ourselves, because so many others haven't been.  Hang in there, I'm pulling for you! 

[Ziggiddy]

I am so proud of you. And so glad to have the connection. i am really sorry for what you have gone through with your sister. I wonder how deeply into the mind and heart the roots go when it is a family member as in relation to a SO? Like you grow up with it and never really understand that it is far from normal. Far from ideal.

I read something last night about 'emotional flashbacks' and it struck a real chord with me. It's not a memory but a memory of a feeling.  I finally got a reply from my brother this morning but realised my peace wasn't dependent on his response. THAT was eyeopening.

Also the pattern of running after mum and lapsing into a blind panic when she wouldn't respond or even talk to me. I had a flash of what it must have been inside my head at that time. I reassured myself that I had a RIGHT to take the abuse to my brother - he was the perpetrator! And that gave him the opportunity to own up and take responsibility

Why was I worried about hurting his feelings when he was the chucking it at me back then? My empathy gland was overswollen and his was undergrown. Those are not entirely my fault.

And you know what SomerLedDottir? You probably 'get' this but I was overtaken by the peace that excels all thought. Some things I got to leave to powers greater than I.

It's probably not a coincidence, Ziggiddy; I believe Whom we call God brings us together in given situation for a purpose.  Synchronicity is alive and well on bpdfamily.

Since things with uBPDsis blew up, I have been taking stock of my entire life, accompanied by the ears and hearts of sympathetic friends.  I've been telling stories that some have never heard before, due to what I believe is the nature of dealing with this disease, at least for me, a tendency to want to excavate the entire life, figure it out, mourn, sift, get rid of what doesn't serve me, save and nourish what does.  Maybe I'm in the stage of life that this process was inevitable anyway. 

As I've received shock and sympathy for things others didn't know I suffered, I've come away with two strong feelings:  We must have respect for the suffering we have endured, and our strength to have come this far.  And we must be gentle with ourselves, because so many others haven't been.  Hang in there, I'm pulling for you! 

The excavation - very well put. You find some gold in there but there are  some pockets of poisonous gas aren't there?

I love LOVE your last paragraph. I'm saving it and printing it. What a soul affirming thought. Cheers 

PS you have the most intriguing screen name I have ever seen! How do you say it? Is it like So-mare-Led Doat-teer? Or how?

[Turkish]

Why was I worried about hurting his feelings when he was the chucking it at me back then?

You know about FOG, so I won't go into that. Given how you describe your mother, did you ever feel safe expressing yourself?

You were shut down on so many levels. For your teachers to pick up on your emotional state enough to query about your home life says a lot. You were honest; they ignored you. What should have been another safe relationship in its way turned out to be a mirror of your home life: invalidation. That must have been so frustrating, and maybe reinforced a learned defense mechanism to not trust?

I read something from Lawson's book today which made me stop:

"Shutting down, closing up, and “going in” are instinctual, life-saving responses to threatening conditions."

I used to be avoidant, and hated it. I think mixed in with that was repressed anger. All of these decades later, and now I am aware of why. FOG is all but gone. I accept that I had to do that: I was surviving. While I still mourn the destruction of my family due to uBPDx, and the    I retained from my BPD mom, I had little choice in it. In a way, I never really grew up.

Now I am very aware and I have the choice. Thank you, SomerledDottir, for posting about Jubilee. I'm just a bit shy of 49, but I'm starting to be me, rather than projecting a false self and hiding behind its defenses. I can think of all those years wasted, or I can accept and acknowledge the feelings of that little bullied boy, take his hand, and bring him along with me, out of slavery to The Promised Land.

[SomerledDottir]

Wow, Ziggiddy, you have had quite a day!  I'M proud of YOU!

By holding your brother accountable, you have given him quite an opportunity.  Now he can take ownership, make amends, if he chooses, and perhaps the two of you can begin a new relationship that will be healthy for both of you.  By choosing to honor your pain, you give him a chance to heal his own.  This give lots of opportunity for forgiveness, if you both choose, of yourselves, each other, and your parents.  You had a red-letter day!  Bravo!

That peace that surpasses all understanding that you speak of is awesome, isn't it, and not at all surprising at the same time.  It comes from the joy little Ziggiddy inside of you feels from being heard, supported, and honored.  You are lovingly parenting and protecting her and now she feels safe. You're right, your peace doesn't come from your mother or brother or their reactions, but honoring yourself in a healthy way.

I feel you on the flashbacks.  A college student I work with convinced me to hire (on a trial basis) her brother (13) to cut my grass.  Their dad brought him and the lawnmower over and the kid worked for about a half hour.  All this dad did was yell at the kid literally the whole time.  For some reason, the bolt fell off the blade and the dad had to go to a chain hardware store to get another bolt, leaving the boy, unbeknownst to me, at my house while he was gone, about 45 minutes, maybe an hour.  When he came back, the mowing and yelling continued for another half hour or so, till mercifully it began to rain and they went home.

The student contacted me to make arrangements for them to return and then left it slip that the dad had abandoned the boy in a strange neighborhood, with a severe thunderstorm watch going on all afternoon.  I asked why on earth he had done such a thing and she said, "I don't know.  Being a man and not thinking, !"

Naturally, I think whatever reason the bolt fell off the mower, the dad decided to scapegoat the kid, and leaving him alone at my house was his punishment.  Sickening.  Shades of SomerledDottir's stepdad.  Talk about triggering flashbacks and nightmares.  It sure explains certain behavioral problems I've seen at work with the college student.  Unfortunately, although with NC, I have managed to recover from the worst of uBPDsis' shenanigans, right now I have a mother beginning to show signs of dementia, and a depressed/suicidal good friend and can't take this student or her family on, too.  I feel kind of guilty but I'm only one woman and I can't save the world.

Ziggiddy, you're going to take my breath away with all these compliments.  A few months ago I got a beautiful red suede outback hat and if you're not careful my big, fat head won't fit in it anymore!     Seriously, this site saved my sorry butt a few months ago and gave me some much-needed answers; it's my pleasure to give back whenever I can.

SomerledDottir (Summer-led Daughter) means ":)aughter of Somerled" in a few different Scandinavian languages.  I am the 21st great-granddaughter of Somerled, who was the King of the Hebrides, Isle of Man, and the other islands off mainland Scotland in addition to parts of northern and western Scotland.  He is said to have been part Gaelic, part Viking (probably Norwegian) and the only notable figure with more descendants alive today is Genghis Khan.  I am also the 19 gg-daughter of Robert the Bruce, if there are any genealogy buffs reading.

The jubilee concept appeared in Rabbi Rami's column in a recent Spirituality and Health issue.  Ziggiddy and Turkish, it may be on their website if you google it.  Alot of people seem to find that resonating with them, I'm noticing.  And Turkish, I think you're right on the money. .  Ziggiddy, good on ya!  Here's one for you, too!   

[SomerledDottir]

Ziggiddy, almost forgot to tell you something else I thought of while at work:  If we have respect for the suffering we have endured, and our strength to have come this far, then we can have nothing but hope for the future, because we know we have passed through the shadows before and triumphed, and if we did it then, we can do it again!

I applaud your courage!

[Ziggiddy]

Now these replies have brought a healthy wash of tears to my eyes.

SLD I was very much struck with your comment

By holding your brother accountable, you have given him quite an opportunity.  Now he can take ownership, make amends, if he chooses, and perhaps the two of you can begin a new relationship that will be healthy for both of you.  By choosing to honor your pain, you give him a chance to heal his own.  This give lots of opportunity for forgiveness, if you both choose, of yourselves, each other, and your parents.  You had a red-letter day!  Bravo!

That peace that surpasses all understanding that you speak of is awesome, isn't it, and not at all surprising at the same time.  It comes from the joy little Ziggiddy inside of you feels from being heard, supported, and honored.  You are lovingly parenting and protecting her and now she feels safe. You're right, your peace doesn't come from your mother or brother or their reactions, but honoring yourself in a healthy way.

I never really thought of it that way but I think that's it. It's hard not to want to control the outcome -I said so he should - but it IS actually a growth opportunity. For us both. And a test of a relationship that may not be strong enough to stand it. Either way I'll have a better understanding and that hopefully will be worth the price.

" It comes from the joy little Ziggiddy inside of you feels from being heard, supported, and honored.  You are lovingly parenting and protecting her and now she feels safe." This. this ... .I can barely find words. What a way to explain it! 

Really? This opens up a whole plethora of possibilities!

You must be sick of hearing me say thank you but thank you! What a way to look at it.

Turkish - I am gobsmacked. Me? Shut down? Surely thou jest? I am loud and funny and say everythi- but wait. I had to think. Really? OMW. OMW. I am. I AM. Or I would have not been strangling for 30 hours for having said my truth. For BLAMING.

You know about FOG, so I won't go into that. Given how you describe your mother, did you ever feel safe expressing yourself?

You were shut down on so many levels. For your teachers to pick up on your emotional state enough to query about your home life says a lot. You were honest; they ignored you. What should have been another safe relationship in its way turned out to be a mirror of your home life: invalidation. That must have been so frustrating, and maybe reinforced a learned defense mechanism to not trust?


"Shutting down, closing up, and “going in” are instinctual, life-saving responses to threatening conditions."

rather than projecting a false self and hiding behind its defenses. I can think of all those years wasted, or I can accept and acknowledge the feelings of that little bullied boy, take his hand, and bring him along with me, out of slavery to The Promised Land.

I know about the FOG but I forgot about the FOG in the face of childish sensation.

It never occurred to me that the interchange with that teacher had an effect that far reaching. It was like ... she held out a hope "Are your parents hitting you?" What? Maybe someone can stop my brother? Maybe ... maybe <hope shining> Oh no. nononono. Back to the grist.

Sweet Lord that crushed me.

Did I feel safe expressing myself to my mother? 24 hours ago I would not have ever thought to ask that question. Now I know. No no no HELL no. Especially if it was to call a spade a spade. The linchpin dynamic was blame and  dodging blame. It's HER fault. It's HIS fault. I expected and believed it was MY fault. Why then express a sense of injustice? it was clearly my fault. What's to express. Except "Will she love me after she's stopped being mad?"

Like my brother. Will he ever be my friend again when he's stopped being mad? I can't ... .I can't find a way not to care about that.

But thank you guys so much for setting me on a better road than I was on yesterday