Please reassure me that it's not all "moonlight and roses".

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi Family,

One of the main things that has helped me keep NC in the almost two years since my exBPDbf dumped me, was the belief that the relationship with his spouse was chaotic, violent and unstable. She is also (I believe) BPD and is quite volatile. I clung to this belief and to the notion that he left me because I triggered him more than she does.

I have also believed that he was "keeping tabs" on me thru FB. Checking up on me every so often. There is a lot of evidence of this.

Well - now I need all of you to reassure me that his marriage has not suddenly become ideal. Please note that this man tried to reconnect with me back in December. I ignored the effort and he immediately blocked me on FB. Been that way ever since. However, I was told that as recently as last month - he reacted very strongly to one of my own posts. It was not a coincidence.

The reason I need reassurance is because I did a stupid thing. A mutual friend showed me what the ex put up yesterday on FB. I shouldn't have looked. But I did. The ex has now put up his status as "Married" with the date of the wedding He has also amended his name on his page to reflect hers next to his. They've been married 26 years. Let me add that I recently landed a great job at a prestigious university. The ex is aware of this. I always used to tell him that he should go back to school and become a professor (he is extremely intelligent!). He has a degree in Philosophy - yet makes a living in the service industry. So now what else has been added? The ex is now attending a local college.

Gang - please tell me that their lives aren't suddenly all "moonlight and roses". I have discovered that I am obviously not as far along in my healing as I thought. This hurts. Badly. Part of me thinks he's doing this on purpose to "lash out" at me because my own life seems to have improved greatly since he dumped me. That he's still pi$$ed at me for rejecting him in December. That he somehow knows that I would eventually look at his page and that this is to wound me as seeing him apparently head-over-heels for her again. And it does.

Please reassure me that "unstable interpersonal relationships" still holds true for BPD. I hate feeling like she won. That a violent, alcoholic, abusive partner is a better choice. I have deactivated my FB account as I felt like it was time. I hope I can stick to it.  Sorry for my rambling. Just angry and hurt. My own fault. Shouldn't have looked.     

[lipstick]

Hi Family,

One of the main things that has helped me keep NC in the almost two years since my exBPDbf dumped me, was the belief that the relationship with his spouse was chaotic, violent and unstable. She is also (I believe) BPD and is quite volatile. I clung to this belief and to the notion that he left me because I triggered him more than she does.

I have also believed that he was "keeping tabs" on me thru FB. Checking up on me every so often. There is a lot of evidence of this.

Well - now I need all of you to reassure me that his marriage has not suddenly become ideal. Please note that this man tried to reconnect with me back in December. I ignored the effort and he immediately blocked me on FB. Been that way ever since. However, I was told that as recently as last month - he reacted very strongly to one of my own posts. It was not a coincidence.

The reason I need reassurance is because I did a stupid thing. A mutual friend showed me what the ex put up yesterday on FB. I shouldn't have looked. But I did. The ex has now put up his status as "Married" with the date of the wedding He has also amended his name on his page to reflect hers next to his. They've been married 26 years. Let me add that I recently landed a great job at a prestigious university. The ex is aware of this. I always used to tell him that he should go back to school and become a professor (he is extremely intelligent!). He has a degree in Philosophy - yet makes a living in the service industry. So now what else has been added? The ex is now attending a local college.

Gang - please tell me that their lives aren't suddenly all "moonlight and roses". I have discovered that I am obviously not as far along in my healing as I thought. This hurts. Badly. Part of me thinks he's doing this on purpose to "lash out" at me because my own life seems to have improved greatly since he dumped me. That he's still pi$$ed at me for rejecting him in December. That he somehow knows that I would eventually look at his page and that this is to wound me as seeing him apparently head-over-heels for her again. And it does.

Please reassure me that "unstable interpersonal relationships" still holds true for BPD. I hate feeling like she won. That a violent, alcoholic, abusive partner is a better choice. I have deactivated my FB account as I felt like it was time. I hope I can stick to it.  Sorry for my rambling. Just angry and hurt. My own fault. Shouldn't have looked.     

[MommaBear]

It's not moonlight and roses, and I think deep down, you know it as well.

We all have moments of doubt, but remember, Facebook is a social networking tool. I know plenty of people who only every put up sunshine and happiness on their Facebook page, only to be living in absolutely darkness and despair in real life.

Facebook is whatever we want it to be, and remember, with pwBPD, admitting that things are going horribly, horribly wrong (especially to an ex) isn't going to happen.

And there may in fact be periods of highs and lows in their relationship. Doesn't mean it'll last. After all, we were with them, we know what the roller coaster is like. We know how charismatic and charming and persuasive they can be. We know what the idealization/devaluation cycle is about. Don't beat yourself and think your ex is suddenly "cured" just because things may APPEAR to be on an upswing.

The only consistent thing about pwBPD is that they are inconsistent. Especially about relationships.

My xhwBPD is in a new relationship, and while I'm not the least bit jealous, his description of her makes me wonder if he didn't just find a replacement. The only terms he used to describe her were the very same terms he uses to describe anyone who meets his endless emotional needs. Kind, giving, generous, sweet, wants peace at all costs, would do anything for me, etc. ... .The moment I stood up to him, and began to detach from the relationship, I was considered "mean". Suddenly, according to him, I had lost my integrity. I was not longer a good or a nice person. Ever now, exercising my legal rights is considered "unfair" and the double standard he feels entitled to is obvious to anyone with half a brain. He still freaks out, tries to control everything, and believes he has a genuine right to tell me what I can and cannot do with every aspect of my life, including my career.

Meanwhile, he puts her on a pedestal. I gave him everything I had to give, the very best parts of me, and he just took everything I had to give and never gave back. Some days that realization is devastating.

But I know what it means to be up on that pedestal. There were times I told him that I hated the pedestal more than I hated being ground under his heel, because at least when I was under his heel, I had something to look forward to. Being on the pedestal means you'll be knocked off and beaten into the ground at a moments notice, for any number of things, be their your fault or not.

Poor girl, she hasn't a clue what's coming. I really, REALLY feel sorry for her.

Good things never last with pwBPD. Everything they touch, sooner or later, turns to ash. Don't be fooled by this temporary upswing, and remember, Facebook is a fountain of misinformation.

Good luck!

[lipstick]

MommaBear,

Thank you for replying. Great post and helped me get my head on straight again.

I have to admit - I got really angry for the first time since he dumped me when I saw what he had posted. Plus - a part of me can't help but feel he did it on purpose to hurt me. I'm blocked by him on FB - but I bet he somehow knows I would see this. Could be wrong.

I just don't get how he can go back to idealizing her. They do not have a physical relationship. There is no intimacy. It's abusive and dysfunctional. Yet I am the bad guy here. And she is worshipped. Just mind-boggling.

Well - I've shut down my FB account. I'm sure he'll figure that out one of these days. I guess he truly does prefer abuse. I know for me - I just have to stay away and heal. It's so hard accepting that everything he promised me was a lie. But it is what it is.   

[patientandclear]

Lipstick, do you know she is abusive or is that the story he told?

I went for quite a while puzzling over why my BPD ex was obsessed with his abusive longtime exgf. But I eventually figured out she was a character produced by his defenses and possibly also to mirror me (I was in a truly abusive marriage). From all accounts from mutual friends, she really loved him, took him back many times after he left her and dated other women; he nearly destroyed her. She went into rehab at the end of their r/s. Strangely enough, his exW was also an alcoholic ... .

In his story she hurt and victimized him. I'm sure he's saying that about me too. Unless we were there, I don't think here's an reason to accept the premise that the ex was abusive.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi lipstick,

I know this feeling.  When my (at the time) wife was cheating on me with another man, she was kind enough (sarcasm) to explain to me how much better this guy was at dealing with her.  It made me feel horrible.  But you know?  It's a lie.  The last time she recycled him and used him for sex and then threw him away (to recycle with me, haha), he wound up checking himself into a mental hospital for a while.  Sounds like he couldn't cope that well with her, after all, huh?

But she was great at making it sound like a) she's normal, and b) even if she's not normal, there are other people out there who can handle her just fine, and I'm the exception.  Both are lies.  It only *seems* that way because of the different phases in the relationship she's in.  And to be honest, I think part of the reason she tries to keep it that way for a while is so that her exes (me included, now), think they are wrong and she was right.  But I'm not wrong.  It doesn't matter what kind of act she pulls.  Eventually, that mask will slip.

Just look at the things you endured with him.  This is not a matter of "who triggers him less."  Look at the things he did to you.  Look at how he was trying to go back with you while with someone else.  Is that a stable person?  Is that a person of good character and reliable, stable emotions?  No, it isn't.  Is that someone you would ever want your daughter dating (if you have one)?  Nope.

As much as it kills you to do so, this is where you need to let him go.  I've found that hanging onto the "competition" game about who wins and loses, and if her new man is "better" and "wins" is just a way to hang onto her, to torture myself, and to validate her sick games.  Let him go.  You know what he's like.  And you have your own life, now.  He's not your problem.  And you know, deep down, that the idea that they two of them will run away and live happily ever after is FOOLISH.

Besides, let's play devil's advocate.  Let's say that he can be a close-to-perfect man while with this other woman (laughable, but bear with me).  :)oes that matter?  You know he's terrible with you.  And that's what really matters.  The competition thing has to do with validating our feelings and hanging onto them (often out of resentment because we know we were treated unjustly and blamed like it was our fault).  But that validation must come from us.  We must know what we know and feel what we feel and stick to that.  You know what he's really like.  You know it.  The rest is just an act, a rouse, so that he can feel better about himself and trap another person in his game (and keep you convinced that there's some flaw in you that is to blame for it all).

If you want to really "win", you leave the game.  You stop playing it.  You grieve the loss and wish him well and keep him out of our life.

[lipstick]

Hi PatientandClear,

Thank you for responding.

Yes, I'm sure on the abuse. I have had it confirmed by numerous people. He has had his nose broken by her while sleeping in his recliner. They have been banned from restaurants as she has struck him in public. She has taken her vehicle and struck his while he was in it. She has acted out at his place of employment. There are other examples, but I think you get the picture.

I'm just puzzled.  I really do think this was done to hurt me. According to mutual friends, he spent most of yesterday constantly on FB - from about 2:30 in the afternoon until 12:30 this morning. Acting out. Bizarre.

[patientandclear]

Got it. Well, it seems certain all is not as it appears on the surface.

It does seem true that emotionally remote partners don't trigger engulfment fears but allow pwBPD to maintain "chase" mode for a more protracted period. Doesn't mean it's a happy or healthy situation obviously.

[Mr Hollande]

Isn't it also true that when the idealising period is over and the devaluation phase takes hold that we, their ex'es, come out of the cold storage as comparison for how "much more caring, loving, attentive, reliable, honest, intelligent, capable, sexually potent, attractive" (add positives as they apply to you) we are to their current partner/victim?

I must also add MommaBear, that I am enjoying your insightful posts.

[enlighten me]

Hi Lipstick

Rest assured its definitely not moonlight and roses.

My ex wife left me in 2010 for a man who was her dream guy and could do no wrong. She moved in with him and on the 5th of this month remarried.

Sounds like its all working out. Or you would think it was.

Well 3 days after the wedding I get a message from her asking if when she picks up our sons if we could have a talk. When asked what was wrong she said she didn't want an argument and didn't want to put it in words as she would mess it up as she always messes things up.

I said I wasn't after an argument but if it was important enough to mention than she should give me a heads up. Well a few emails passed and in the end what she said was she was useless, couldn't do anything right, everything she did was wrong etc etc.

So it would appear that all is not moonlight and roses and who does she reach out to for a shoulder to cry on? Yep her ex. Ring any bells with what you read on the site?

So now I have my uBPDexgf and it likes like my uBPDexw to deal with. Double joy 

[lipstick]

OutofEgypt quoted: Just look at the things you endured with him.  This is not a matter of "who triggers him less."  Look at the things he did to you.  Look at how he was trying to go back with you while with someone else.  Is that a stable person?  Is that a person of good character and reliable, stable emotions?  No, it isn't.  Is that someone you would ever want your daughter dating (if you have one)?  Nope.

As much as it kills you to do so, this is where you need to let him go.  I've found that hanging onto the "competition" game about who wins and loses, and if her new man is "better" and "wins" is just a way to hang onto her, to torture myself, and to validate her sick games.  Let him go.  You know what he's like.  And you have your own life, now.  He's not your problem.  And you know, deep down, that the idea that they two of them will run away and live happily ever after is FOOLISH.

If you want to really "win", you leave the game.  You stop playing it.  You grieve the loss and wish him well and keep him out of our life.[/quote]
Out of Egypt,

Thank you for your thoughts on my situation. I agree - it is time to let him go. My mom said something interesting to me about my ex this morning. She feels he is "competing" with me on some level. Like - he checks out my FB page, sees what is going on in my life (new job - new friends - new relationship - going places) and is jealous. So he now has started adding lots of new "friends" ( in quotes cuz he has no friends) to his FB, putting up statuses that no one responds to, and now - the whole "married" thing. My mom feels like he's "acting out" and trying to compete with me as he views me moving on and doing better since he dumped me. Does that make sense? Does it sound like something pwBPD do?  I really do think he put up the married status to hurt my feelings. The big Cootie.  

[enlighten me]

The facebook thing rings so true. My exgf posted loads of updates which at first got lots of likes then slowly the likes died down to just her small band of groupies. She then spent a Saturday morning doing her hair and make up then posted them. Plenty of attention but it felt like it was aimed at me and when I didn't respond I got a message about something trivial just to check that I was still there. When she only got a brief but polite response the new friends appeared. 20 in one day.

I like to think that she is stalking me as there are some women that message me and post things with xxx's at the end. Nothing going on but an evil part of me likes to think she is jealous the rest of me doesn't really care.

[OutOfEgypt]

My mom said something interesting to me about my ex this morning. She feels he is "competing" with me on some level.

They do!  For sure.  They won't admit it.  My ex has accused me of competing with her (which was partly true), but she never owns that her whole life is a competition to out-go and win over everyone who has ever rejected her or whom she has ever rejected and had a relationship with.  It's an exhausting way to live for us, so imagine what it must be like for them.  Of course, they have the lifelong skills to pull it off for a while.  They know how to get attention, how to play the part, how to be the life of the party even, or how to gain sympathy.  But yes, your intuition and what your mom said is, I believe, probably accurate.

Being with and then detaching from a person with BPD is like being thrown into a crash-course on learning to listen to your intuition, perceptions, and feelings.  You cannot really listen to their words or actions.  They paint a vivid but disorted and ultimately deceptive picture -a picture they are desperate to believe about themselves and their life.  But your intuition and perceptions and feelings are pretty good at sniffing out what's going on, far more than our obsessing and ruminating mind can ever figure out.

[OutOfEgypt]

My ex told me stories of delight about how a boyfriend she dated even briefly but broke up with her but some time later (a year or two) came into the store where she worked and looked interested, like, "Hey, how have you beeeeennnn?  "  She would eat it up.  She told me how good it felt to reject him, to demonstate how much better off she is without him, like she was laughing in his face.

She also told me that she would get off, sexually, on the idea of knowing that every guy in a public place wanted to have sex with her, but that she rejected every single one of them in her mind.  She loved that she could lure them with her allure and then reject them.  She got off on it.

That's a glimpse inside the head of a person with BPD.  Although many people have feelings like this, but for a person with BPD I think it is constant and extreme.

[refusetosuccumb]

Roses have thorns.  Moonlight casts a warm glow over the darkest of places.  When someone has to prove to the world they are happy, they most likely aren't.

Stay strong.

[OutOfEgypt]

refusetosuccumb, very well put. 

I used to think to myself, "If she is really so happy, and if I'm really the reason for all of her unhappiness, then why does she sit for up to 3-4 hours at a time on the counter in the bathroom, picking her skin until it looks like raw hamburger?"

Hmmmmmm

[momtara]

No one on my Facebook page even knows I'm divorced.  (from BPD ex-H) I post about my kids and everything seems all rosy.  I think of my 500 Facebook friends, 5 know the truth.

[refusetosuccumb]

Me too.  Few people know the real story.  I, too, only post funny things and good stuff about the kids.

We separated last year and it was common knowledge that we split (due to his girlfriend posting to his page "my sexy boyfriend" for all the world to see).  Most people were shocked that it happened, in public we always seemed like a great couple (denial runs deep in me, hmmmm?)

I didn't tell many people we even got back together, I was embarrassed for how I was publically humiliated and still gave him another chance.  So when I run into people IRL and they don't see me wearing my rings they just remember that we broke up last year... .not again a few months ago.

Not a story I tell a whole lot of people about.  Maybe I should?  I don't know.

[lipstick]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I do appreciate it. It does help.

He's definitely acting weird. According to friends - he's been on FB continuously since yesterday afternoon. Adding "Friend" after "Friend" after "Friend".  ? 

I've come to a couple of conclusions - 1. He's in some sort of bizarre competition with me. 2. He's trying to hurt me. 3. I have no idea why he feels the need to hurt me. 4. I need to let him go. He only makes me feel bad, causes me pain. I've worked so hard to put my life back together and thrive. I guess he doesn't like that I'm moving on. Abandonment fears, perhaps? 

[enlighten me]

The 20 or so people my ex added in a day were from her old school and live hours away. It also made her have more FB friends than me. I think part of it was a competition but I think it was more to do with feeling liked and being the centre of attention.

I also found it strange as she said she hated school and got bullied a lot but then I realised these where all safe people. People who could provide a quick fix but not have to deal with. People who didn't know anything about her now so wouldn't judge her. And if she got to do a bit of flirting then she would be even happier. Unfortunately for her real people have real lives and she will become just another number on peoples friends list that they don't speak to.

[lipstick]

Enlighten me,

I get that. My ex "friends" distant relatives on his spouse's side of the family. Along with all of his son's friends (weird!). When he blocked me back in December, he deleted all of our mutual friends save for one or two. About ninety people total. He was pi$$ed at me !  Now, he's adding anyone and everyone he can. I guess he's just sending "Requests" to the folks that pop up on your "People you may know" list. It kinda smacks of desperation.

I don't know if he's trying to catch up with me. I've got over 900 folks on my list. Mostly customers that I've met over the course of two years. So he's got a long way to go !  It "feels" like he's trying to get attention. Like he's looking for validation. Like he's trying to get people to acknowledge that he's a good guy. He's not. And I think it's catching up to him.

I will tell you that this month is the two-year anniversary of our moving in together. I don't know if that is driving any of his behavior. Dates affect him. He's being erratic as hell. On FB constantly. And it's been ramping up for a while now. So confusing.   

I do appreciate your input, though. Helps me a great deal.

[enlighten me]

It does smack of desperation and part of it probably is. I liken it to school yard antics of look how popular I am (please be my friend). I may be seeing it as personal but it all feels as if my ex is desperately trying to get my attention.

The way she posts something then is constantly on and off facebook to see whos responded. Of course I never do so something else will get posted and still no reply. Then 2 days later I will get a trivial message about post or finances and I will reply to this in a business like manor. Then she goes quiet for a few days and it starts again.

What we have to remember is that even when they've replaced us we still provided them with the comfort they were after for a while. They are not heartless demons and do hold feelings for us but the guilt of their actions prevents them from ever telling us the truth. They would rather put a hard face on and act as if we meant nothing to them than admit who they really are.

I have further proof of this as my uBPDexw wants to talk and ask my advice as her 10 day marriage isn't going well. I may have to step in and try and save it for her as I cant handle the thought of her and my exgf in the same county. If that happens Imight emigrate.

[JohnLove]

Hi lipstick. This guy is married 26 years?... .and getting remarried?. You were playing with fire even before the BPD stuff. I believe you are probably correct in your assumptions and findings. Do I need to remind you he suffers from BPD?.

Lipstick, do you know she is abusive or is that the story he told?

I went for quite a while puzzling over why my BPD ex was obsessed with his abusive longtime exgf. But I eventually figured out she was a character produced by his defenses and possibly also to mirror me (I was in a truly abusive marriage). From all accounts from mutual friends, she really loved him, took him back many times after he left her and dated other women; he nearly destroyed her. She went into rehab at the end of their r/s. Strangely enough, his exW was also an alcoholic ... .

In his story she hurt and victimized him. I'm sure he's saying that about me too. Unless we were there, I don't think here's an reason to accept the premise that the ex was abusive.

BPD sufferers tell you only what they want you to know... .and only want they want YOU to believe. I believe you are being played. My instinct suggests he wants you in some sort of harem... .

... .is that what you want for yourself?.

[lipstick]

Hi JohnLove,

Thank you for your response. No, he's not getting remarried. He's still married to the same woman. It's a long story and I won't bore you with the details.

He doesn't have a harem. He wishes !  I don't know what is going on with him. I think he is trying to hurt me as I have not reached out to him since I was blocked on FB in December. Save for one email explaining to him why I could not be FB friends with him. I put up a boundary and he didn't like it. No one stands up to him in his world. I did - and I've been punished for it.

Or he could be truly happy right now. Maybe things are going well for him in his world. But I don't really think so. He's adding new FB "friends" left and right. Suddenly changing his FB status to "married" and putting her name next to his after YEARS of not doing this. Just way weird behavior.

[lipstick]

enlighten me,

Good points. Perhaps my ex is struggling with the "anniversary" of sorts this month. Plus, we're only two months away from when he dumped me. I know he feels lousy about that (when he allows himself to think about it !).  Maybe he is doing all of this to make himself feel better about what he did to me. Perhaps he's trying to prove to himself that he made the right choice in going back to the abuse.

Or not. Who knows? Hurts my brain... .

[blissful_camper]

I experienced my ex competing with me (and all of his exes) as well.  He made competitive comments about his exes (while we were together) as though there was a great urgency to one-up them and win. This continued for years, sometimes decades, after the relationships had ended. He never ever really let it go.  He kept close tabs on all of his exes.  He was deeply satisfied when an ex was having a rough patch in her life (he felt his life was better than hers), but it was an angry-satisfaction.  He was quite resentful/jealous/hateful/hurt, when these women were happy and doing well in their lives.  That is when he smeared their reputations, played victim, and sought sympathy from others.  (Decades after the r/s was over) He just could not let go.

It sounds like your ex is competitive. My initial reaction is that he is image-crafting on Facebook.  He's creating an illusion.  Is that for you to see?  Possibly.  Maybe he's trying to get a rise out of you so that you react. Maybe he's uncomfortable with the idea that you can and will find happiness away from him, and this is causing him anxiety. Thus he feels the need to convince himself (and 'show you' how happily "married" he is.  

[Blimblam]

But it is moonlight. But the source of moonlight is the sun which burns radiant like the love within you.  What you see of the moon is the light within you the truth lay in the dark side of the moon. 

[lipstick]

It sounds like your ex is competitive. My initial reaction is that he is image-crafting on Facebook.  He's creating an illusion.  Is that for you to see?  Possibly.  Maybe he's trying to get a rise out of you so that you react. Maybe he's uncomfortable with the idea that you can and will find happiness away from him, and this is causing him anxiety. Thus he feels the need to convince himself (and 'show you' how happily "married" he is.  [/quote]
Blissful Camper,

Thank you for your thoughts on my ex. Much appreciated. I will tell you - he has a ridiculous sense of entitlement. Grew up very spoiled - cars, money, etc...   He and his spouse have always struggled financially. He is the chief breadwinner. She works at a very low paying job (when she manages to go in) and has zero marketable skills. He makes snarky comments when he views someone as having "more" than him. My ex-husband (who I divorced for my ex!) makes a very good living. We are now back together and working on our issues. Things are going well for me personally and financially. When my ex first dumped me - I had NOTHING! I had to start completely over and had a very hard time money-wise. He knew it, too.

I do post things on FB from time to time showing how my ex husband is spoiling me now. And, to be honest, how I'm spoiling myself. I've worked very hard to dig my way out of the mess I was in and I'm proud of it! I think the BPDex sees these posts and they irritate him.

I agree that I believe now he is competing with me in some strange way. He won't win!  I also like what you said about "Image Crafting". I think that is exactly what he is doing. His life is crap (behind the curtain) yet he can't deal with that reality. So he creates another one via social media. And begrudges me what I've worked hard to achieve. 

[lipstick]

Let me add a couple more things - my ex was always saying how he had to "win" no matter what. Even when we would play - wrestle, if I was getting the best of him- he would cheat to gain control

Also - my partner took a very flattering picture of me last week. I've lost weight. He made it into my profile pic on FB. That same night, my phone rings around 11:00pm. Private name, private number. Hung up after three rings. Coincidence? Doubtful. So juvenile.