Veiled threat: please advise.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, my ex has never been one to try to cause damage to me directly or mess with my livelihood (that I know of... .there was one incident in the past that she may have lied about that I wrote about before). In any case, two weeks ago she contacted me, and an argument ensued. Not responding at all since despite triggers. Today she texts "I guess you're pissed." Then "I should tell you as a friend that some people here talk about how your Facebook violates the companies social media policy" (she is blocked). Then "more than one person, many times." Then "FYI."

I am active on social media but do not believe this to be the case. In any case, I will go through the policy and do whatever I have to do in that regard. What I'm primarily looking for is the community's affirmation/opinion about the idea that 1) she is trying to provoke me and 2) the best course of action as regards her is to do or day nothing at all.

I imagine all will agree on this. I just want to see if there are alternate opinions.

Thank you

BNTS

[BacknthSaddle]

So, my ex has never been one to try to cause damage to me directly or mess with my livelihood (that I know of... .there was one incident in the past that she may have lied about that I wrote about before). In any case, two weeks ago she contacted me, and an argument ensued. Not responding at all since despite triggers. Today she texts "I guess you're pissed." Then "I should tell you as a friend that some people here talk about how your Facebook violates the companies social media policy" (she is blocked). Then "more than one person, many times." Then "FYI."

I am active on social media but do not believe this to be the case. In any case, I will go through the policy and do whatever I have to do in that regard. What I'm primarily looking for is the community's affirmation/opinion about the idea that 1) she is trying to provoke me and 2) the best course of action as regards her is to do or day nothing at all.

I imagine all will agree on this. I just want to see if there are alternate opinions.

Thank you

BNTS

[Confusedmae]

In my opinion, you are correct.

Take care of what you need to to protect yourself, batten down the hatches and stay strong.

You can do this!

[Mutt]

Today she texts "I guess you're pissed." Then "I should tell you as a friend that some people here talk about how your Facebook violates the companies social media policy" (she is blocked). Then "more than one person, many times." Then "FYI."

It's FOG BNTS.

[BacknthSaddle]

Today she texts "I guess you're pissed." Then "I should tell you as a friend that some people here talk about how your Facebook violates the companies social media policy" (she is blocked). Then "more than one person, many times." Then "FYI."

It's FOG BTNS.

Could you elaborate Mutt?

[Aussie JJ]

Something I have started to do that works for me. 

From DBT opposite action.  If I feel like telling her what I see and how it is wrong I do the opposite.  I do nothing. 

Gets rid of the emotion from the decision and lets me get grounded a lot faster.  Do the opposite of what your being FOGed into doing. 

[Mutt]

Today she texts "I guess you're pissed." Then "I should tell you as a friend that some people here talk about how your Facebook violates the companies social media policy" (she is blocked). Then "more than one person, many times." Then "FYI."

It's FOG BTNS.

Could you elaborate Mutt?

Who is pissed? You or her? It sounds like she is projecting anger. Who's talking about your FB and company policies? FEAR and GUILT. Can you trust her to tell you the truth? My ex distorts and dissociates because she can't deal with her emotions. More than one person, many times? FEAR. What sorts of feelings are triggered when you hear this? I would feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's emotional blackmail.

[gtrhr]

Fear Obligation Guilt according to acronyms list.  Not sure about the other one... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

[gtrhr]

B----- That Need Slapping according to the urban dictionary!

[BacknthSaddle]

Today she texts "I guess you're pissed." Then "I should tell you as a friend that some people here talk about how your Facebook violates the companies social media policy" (she is blocked). Then "more than one person, many times." Then "FYI."

It's FOG BTNS.

Could you elaborate Mutt?

Who is pissed? You or her? It sounds like she is projecting anger. Who's talking about your FB and company policies? FEAR and GUILT. Can you trust her to tell you the truth? My ex distorts and dissociates because she can't deal with her emotions. More than one person, many times? FEAR. What sorts of feelings are triggered when you hear this? I would feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's emotional blackmail.

Ah, I see, thank you (all of you).  I suppose I'd always thought as the "Fear" in FOG referring to fear of letting the attachment go, and the "Guilty" as guilt over abandoning the pwBPD.  I can see however that it could be interpreted more broadly than that.  She is definitely trying to provoke both of these in me (and succeeding), especially fear.  I don't know what her goal is, other than to make me feel frightened/miserable because she is angry.  And although I can see how she would interpret my lack of response as anger, yes I agree she is projecting her anger.  I imagine that this is more of a distortion than an outright lie, which yes I believe she does frequently.  And yes, it feels like emotional blackmail, except without the clear objective of typical blackmail (e.g. money). Correction: the objective is clear, it's just hard for me to satisfy.  In any case I do not intend to engage her. 

[BacknthSaddle]

B----- That Need Slapping according to the urban dictionary!

OK this is just hilarious... .I meant "BNTS" as short-hand for "Back-n-th-Saddle"

[enlighten me]

It sounds to me like a touch of the green eyed monster.

You have blocked her and she cant keep an eye on you. She may have heard friends talking about something you put on facebook and from that out comes the twisted lie. If she cant see what you do on facebook then the next best thing is to stop you using it. She obviously cant come out and say that so she uses fear of authority to try and do it.

My ex wife used to say stuff like this when we were together. It didn't make sense at the time so I just shrugged it off and allayed her fears that I wasn't doing anything wrong as far as my work was concerned.

I had forgotten about this until you mentioned it.  

[Mutt]

In any case I do not intend to engage her.  

You're right on target BNTS  

A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. -War Games

[BacknthSaddle]

It sounds to me like a touch of the green eyed monster.

You have blocked her and she cant keep an eye on you. She may have heard friends talking about something you put on facebook and from that out comes the twisted lie. If she cant see what you do on facebook then the next best thing is to stop you using it. She obviously cant come out and say that so she uses fear of authority to try and do it.

My ex wife used to say stuff like this when we were together. It didn't make sense at the time so I just shrugged it off and allayed her fears that I wasn't doing anything wrong as far as my work was concerned.

I had forgotten about this until you mentioned it.  

I'm realizing now there have been things like this in the past. Once we got into an argument at work. No one knew we were involved. I worked on government grants at the time. She said the next day that people said to her "maybe with the sequester he'll get fired." Of course we were involved so she said it in a "cute" way. If it was true, certainly there was no effort to explain the situation or defend me. Just play the victim.

More recently: the fight resulted because I was not responding to her, and she suggested it was bc of pictures posted of her on FB. I had seen a picture involving her that was triggering ( a work thing), but not what she was referring to. She was referring to pictures a mutual friend had posted of her kissing her new boyfriend (I had not seem them). I said I had not seen ten and pointed out, bc she was blocked, that I couldn't see anything she was tagged in. It turned out that the friend had posted the pictures on her own timeline without tagging them. I suppose there are alternate explanations for this, but it seemed plausible that she asked the friend to do it this way so that I'd see them ( they are very close).

Anyway, it's all irrelevant. The fact that I even have to think this way means I need to just stay away no matter what.

[BacknthSaddle]

One more thought: it's so, so sad that it actually passes though my mind "maybe I'm overreacting and she's just trying to be friendly and protect me." How could I be dumb enough to think something like that for 5 seconds. That FOG is for real.

[Mutt]

Yes FOG is real and trust your gut and instincts.

I think as more time passes and the further you detach you'll start to see the behaviors easier and quicker. Good articles to read: FOG, splitting, and projection. I see all of these behaviors in my exes emails and the little interactions when it's time for me to pick up kids and vice-versa. I'm starting to see my memories in a different perspective now and her emotionally abusive dysfunctions. Even my wedding day I see in a while other way with the FOG she was throwing up that day. It makes me wonder why did I put up with this?

I'm speaking for myself and from my experience. I'm detached but when I was with her it was an attachment and an insecure one. I was more vested in what her needs where than my own. I was enmeshed. I didn't know where she ended and I began there was no definitive line there.

My personal opinion, I was too intertwined with all of it to see it for what it was. Don't beat yourself up. Keep detaching, depersonalize her behaviors and I believe it will be second nature for you in detecting her behaviors and toxicity in others. You will also see how emotionally immature she is as well. Doesn't your exe's message sound emotionally immature? Projection was the hardest one for me to learn because it happens so quickly in conversations with her.

I also communicate only by email and the FOG is there in black and white. I don't get triggered on the phone because I don't use it. Email for me slows everything down and I see all of it.

[BacknthSaddle]

Yes FOG is real and trust your gut and instincts.

I think as more time passes and the further you detach you'll start to see the behaviors easier and quicker. Good articles to read: FOG, splitting, and projection. I see all of these behaviors in my exes emails and the little interactions when it's time for me to pick up kids and vice-versa. I'm starting to see my memories in a different perspective now and her emotionally abusive dysfunctions. Even my wedding day I see in a while other way with the FOG she was throwing up that day. It makes me wonder why did I put up with this?

I'm speaking for myself and from my experience. I'm detached but when I was with her it was an attachment and an insecure one. I was more vested in what her needs where than my own. I was enmeshed. I didn't know where she ended and I began there was no definitive line there.

My personal opinion, I was too intertwined with all of it to see it for what it was. Don't beat yourself up. Keep detaching, depersonalize her behaviors and I believe it will be second nature for you in detecting her behaviors and toxicity in others. You will also see how emotionally immature she is as well. Doesn't your exe's message sound emotionally immature? Projection was the hardest one for me to learn because it happens so quickly in conversations with her.

I also communicate only by email and the FOG is there in black and white. I don't get triggered on the phone because I don't use it. Email for me slows everything down and I see all of it.

It's very true: even now an old action or comment by my ex will pop I to my head, and I will see it in a whole new light. I agree with you about email as well: the advantage there is not just the fact that it is written, but that there's no immediate back-and-forth to get caught up in (like there is in text messaging). The back-and-forth can cause you to respond rashly based on emotion, and this can cause you to get sucked in by the FOG. I was lucky in this case because my phone had gone out, so I actually received the texts several hours later, all at once.

Of course, it is obviously time to just block her entirely.

[MommaBear]

Oh, I get veiled threats and polite reminders of this type all the time (riddled with reminders of how "generous" he's been, making all those sacrifices for me over the years. He once suggested if I hadn't gone to grad school, he'd be able to drive a better car!).

I just tackle whatever needs to be tackled (and he very often threatens my career or things that have nothing to do with our relationship), and cut off all communication. I show no fear. I just CMA (cover my a... .), and refuse to acknowledge or even comment in the most offhand way about any of these threats.

It works. Most of the time. He still contacts me from time to time with crazy things, but I'm now at a point where I just don't care.

Sometimes I feel like saying, "Right, thanks for the reminder. Someone else COULD potentially find out about that. I'll get right on it."

But I say nothing, deal with the issue, protect myself, and never, NEVER give him the satisfaction of knowing he's provoked even the slightest reaction out of me. Especially a FOG reaction.

Stay strong!