Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 26, 2020, 09:34:31 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Beyond abandonment depression  (Read 5745 times)
Split black
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 343



« on: July 15, 2014, 08:31:50 PM »

If anyone has had an inflated sense of self, and is struggling with seemingly endless recycles, I found a few paragraphs from the amazingly informative "2010" which speaks to me and perhaps to some of you.  I have found the words below strengthening my resolve to heal and self actualize.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

"First, let go of the mirroring object, then suffer through the abandonment depression. Continuing to contact your broken mirror will only keep you seeking out it's flawed reflection, which will never be perfection again. You've got to let go of any hope that will change. It never was supposed to be a long term relationship. It couldn't be. It was fantasy.

So, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Withdrawal, Depression, Acceptance. The only way out -is all the way through the abandonment depression... . and if you'll note, that comes after withdrawal, which is what happens after "no contact." So if you are still holding on, it will only take longer to heal.

Where you are now- needs to be assessed in a realistic manner- and that means *feeling* your abandonment depression while feeling so vulnerable and alone that you feel awful. That's what abandonment depression feels like- and it's supposed to. The pain is there for a reason- to grow! You will survive.

This relationship has brought up something that you need to address for personal growth. whether it's a false self, or a fixing compulsion (self sacrifice) or just a feeling of emotional deprivation, there is a cure for your pain. A return to the broken mirror object isn't going to fix any of that as a long term solution. It's only purpose was so you could see yourself as you always wanted to feel. Now, that power must become your responsibility. Painful yes, but so rewarding."
Logged
Emelie Emelie
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 665


« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2014, 08:48:00 PM »

Thanks Split, for re-posting that.  2010 does have an unusually gifted and helpful insight into these relationships.  I'm still bouncing between withdrawal and depression.  When I start to "accept" that this is really and truly over (he's apparently gone NC with me... .perhaps due to a replacement), really and truly needs to be over,  I veer into the depressed side of the equation.  I think depression is in part a result of acceptance.  You finally accept the situation is hopeless and that is difficult and, well, depressing.  I assume (hope) the final acceptance stage is more positive.  Once we've moved through the depression.  That this last stage is a point from which we can move on. 

It is comforting to be reassured that feeling truly bereft... .vulnerable and alone and awful and depressed... .is a "stage".  One from which we'll eventually recover.  Sometimes my greatest fear is that I'll never really recover.  And that may be true.  As with many people who suffer a traumatic loss.  It's always a part of you.  You just learn to live with it, and create as much meaning and joy in your life as possible, in spite of it.
Logged
Take2
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 732



« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2014, 10:03:58 PM »

Splitblack... .how are you doing with your situation. ... ?

I haven't been on here as much lately. ...   I hope you are past withdrawal and denial and anger onto acceptance... .   things have been somewhat better for me... .which isn't to say I've had NO with my ex since we do still work together. ... .but I have been feeling stronger... .despite my e's continued rage and follow thru on some threats... .   I have been given no more options to convince myself anything could ever come of any kind of r/s with him... .

Hope you too are in a strong place... .

Logged
Split black
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 343



« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2014, 02:59:00 PM »

Thanks Split, for re-posting that.  2010 does have an unusually gifted and helpful insight into these relationships.  I'm still bouncing between withdrawal and depression.  When I start to "accept" that this is really and truly over (he's apparently gone NC with me... .perhaps due to a replacement), really and truly needs to be over,  I veer into the depressed side of the equation.  I think depression is in part a result of acceptance.  You finally accept the situation is hopeless and that is difficult and, well, depressing.  I assume (hope) the final acceptance stage is more positive.  Once we've moved through the depression.  That this last stage is a point from which we can move on. 

It is comforting to be reassured that feeling truly bereft... .vulnerable and alone and awful and depressed... .is a "stage".  One from which we'll eventually recover.  Sometimes my greatest fear is that I'll never really recover.  And that may be true.  As with many people who suffer a traumatic loss.  It's always a part of you.  You just learn to live with it, and create as much meaning and joy in your life as possible, in spite of it.

You will feel better one day at a time. And when the fog totally lifts you're going to look back and wonder what the heck
Logged
Split black
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 343



« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2014, 03:06:19 PM »

Splitblack... .how are you doing with your situation. ... ?

I haven't been on here as much lately. ...   I hope you are past withdrawal and denial and anger onto acceptance... .   things have been somewhat better for me... .which isn't to say I've had NO with my ex since we do still work together. ... .but I have been feeling stronger... .despite my e's continued rage and follow thru on some threats... .   I have been given no more options to convince myself anything could ever come of any kind of r/s with him... .

Hope you too are in a strong place... .

I allowed recycling again this past month which ended with me changing my number. This go around was awful and nothing changed. I made it worse by sleeping with her and she literally decided to to once again go full tilt smear to ruin me.

I'm in the only place I can be with any possible chance of saving my myself and breaking this horrible toxic cycle. She will never change. I have to. 8 days since I saw her 4 days of NC. I have no idea what she is doing or saying. She can't reach me. I'm ok. Just a bit bummed from time to time. Hope u r ok
Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2014, 04:37:21 PM »

If anyone has had an inflated sense of self, and is struggling with seemingly endless recycles, I found a few paragraphs from the amazingly informative "2010" which speaks to me and perhaps to some of you.  I have found the words below strengthening my resolve to heal and self actualize.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

"First, let go of the mirroring object, then suffer through the abandonment depression. Continuing to contact your broken mirror will only keep you seeking out it's flawed reflection, which will never be perfection again. You've got to let go of any hope that will change. It never was supposed to be a long term relationship. It couldn't be. It was fantasy.

So, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Withdrawal, Depression, Acceptance. The only way out -is all the way through the abandonment depression... . and if you'll note, that comes after withdrawal, which is what happens after "no contact." So if you are still holding on, it will only take longer to heal.

Where you are now- needs to be assessed in a realistic manner- and that means *feeling* your abandonment depression while feeling so vulnerable and alone that you feel awful. That's what abandonment depression feels like- and it's supposed to. The pain is there for a reason- to grow! You will survive.

This relationship has brought up something that you need to address for personal growth. whether it's a false self, or a fixing compulsion (self sacrifice) or just a feeling of emotional deprivation, there is a cure for your pain. A return to the broken mirror object isn't going to fix any of that as a long term solution. It's only purpose was so you could see yourself as you always wanted to feel. Now, that power must become your responsibility. Painful yes, but so rewarding."

I think it takes a lot to admit an inflated sense of self... or living egoically, living a role rather than being a fully authentic genuine person. Before my r/s with a pwBPD, I had a good sized ego, accomplished a lot... .but felt very little of anything good or bad most the time.

Abandonment depression is horrible and inhibiting, and usually dealt with early in life... when it comes back during a r/s with a pwBPD... it is a sign you have old issues to work through. I am pretty certain after a lot of false starts and dead ends that I finally understand the BPD r/s and my own FOO issues.

I read "The Betrayal of the Body" by Alexander Lowen M.D... .and it was an WOW experience. He described how people come to be detached from emotions and bad feelings, and how that detachment leads to being somewhat detached from the body (exact opposite of mindfulness)... we learn to live in our heads, intellectualize, daydream, work towards an "image" that we want... sometimes of perfection... but essentially... it leads to being out of touch with reality to a degree. Emotions are blunted, both good and bad. Its hard to describe how much of the content was applicable... I highlight books and probably 90% of it is highlighted/noted or underlined... that has never happened before in 100's of books... .but the subject was schizoid behavior and schizoid personality disorder... .which is estimated to affect between 1% to 40% of people... my reaction was(?)... how could something be 4 times as rare as BPD or maybe 10X as common? But learning about how someone can not quite differentiate/individuate right... and become introverted, shy, daydreaming, intellectual... things a lot of people are... AND not be a big problem to most other people... because they are quiet, shy, withdrawn, afraid to argue or make decisions... .kind of made sense. If its not broke, or no one realizes its broke, it doesn't get fixed.

User 2010 wrote a lot, and I enjoyed reading it... really made me think... and I believe the point was that the horrible experience of having all these emotions become un-repressed... can be to give us the wake up call to work on our issues and get back in touch with feelings and being our real self.

I felt elation and dejection, laughed and cried more than I had in the last 30 yrs... during the brief time I was in the BPD r/s... it was an emotional roller coaster. In comparison all those other years were bland... and had the emotions muted. It was like watching 3D/HDTV after having an old B/W tv set. I want color and feeling back.

Abandonment depression is also known for depressing you when you do something that activates your real self... something you really want  deep down... then instead of being happy and keeping doing it... you are anxious, feel undeserving and weirded out... depressed somehow. It is being unable to do what you want to do... because you are surviving rather than living. (Hope to heck that it is just me and not lots of people on here that have been that way.)


Logged
Split black
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 343



« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2014, 07:18:51 PM »

If anyone has had an inflated sense of self, and is struggling with seemingly endless recycles, I found a few paragraphs from the amazingly informative "2010" which speaks to me and perhaps to some of you.  I have found the words below strengthening my resolve to heal and self actualize.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

"First, let go of the mirroring object, then suffer through the abandonment depression. Continuing to contact your broken mirror will only keep you seeking out it's flawed reflection, which will never be perfection again. You've got to let go of any hope that will change. It never was supposed to be a long term relationship. It couldn't be. It was fantasy.

So, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Withdrawal, Depression, Acceptance. The only way out -is all the way through the abandonment depression... . and if you'll note, that comes after withdrawal, which is what happens after "no contact." So if you are still holding on, it will only take longer to heal.

Where you are now- needs to be assessed in a realistic manner- and that means *feeling* your abandonment depression while feeling so vulnerable and alone that you feel awful. That's what abandonment depression feels like- and it's supposed to. The pain is there for a reason- to grow! You will survive.

This relationship has brought up something that you need to address for personal growth. whether it's a false self, or a fixing compulsion (self sacrifice) or just a feeling of emotional deprivation, there is a cure for your pain. A return to the broken mirror object isn't going to fix any of that as a long term solution. It's only purpose was so you could see yourself as you always wanted to feel. Now, that power must become your responsibility. Painful yes, but so rewarding."

I think it takes a lot to admit an inflated sense of self... or living egoically, living a role rather than being a fully authentic genuine person. Before my r/s with a pwBPD, I had a good sized ego, accomplished a lot... .but felt very little of anything good or bad most the time.

Abandonment depression is horrible and inhibiting, and usually dealt with early in life... when it comes back during a r/s with a pwBPD... it is a sign you have old issues to work through. I am pretty certain after a lot of false starts and dead ends that I finally understand the BPD r/s and my own FOO issues.

I read "The Betrayal of the Body" by Alexander Lowen M.D... .and it was an WOW experience. He described how people come to be detached from emotions and bad feelings, and how that detachment leads to being somewhat detached from the body (exact opposite of mindfulness)... we learn to live in our heads, intellectualize, daydream, work towards an "image" that we want... sometimes of perfection... but essentially... it leads to being out of touch with reality to a degree. Emotions are blunted, both good and bad. Its hard to describe how much of the content was applicable... I highlight books and probably 90% of it is highlighted/noted or underlined... that has never happened before in 100's of books... .but the subject was schizoid behavior and schizoid personality disorder... .which is estimated to affect between 1% to 40% of people... my reaction was(?)... how could something be 4 times as rare as BPD or maybe 10X as common? But learning about how someone can not quite differentiate/individuate right... and become introverted, shy, daydreaming, intellectual... things a lot of people are... AND not be a big problem to most other people... because they are quiet, shy, withdrawn, afraid to argue or make decisions... .kind of made sense. If its not broke, or no one realizes its broke, it doesn't get fixed.

User 2010 wrote a lot, and I enjoyed reading it... really made me think... and I believe the point was that the horrible experience of having all these emotions become un-repressed... can be to give us the wake up call to work on our issues and get back in touch with feelings and being our real self.

I felt elation and dejection, laughed and cried more than I had in the last 30 yrs... during the brief time I was in the BPD r/s... it was an emotional roller coaster. In comparison all those other years were bland... and had the emotions muted. It was like watching 3D/HDTV after having an old B/W tv set. I want color and feeling back.

Abandonment depression is also known for depressing you when you do something that activates your real self... something you really want  deep down... then instead of being happy and keeping doing it... you are anxious, feel undeserving and weirded out... depressed somehow. It is being unable to do what you want to do... because you are surviving rather than living. (Hope to heck that it is just me and not lots of people on here that have been that way.)

@Charred

Great post... .and I can relate to just about everything you said. Especially the fact that if it werent for the fact that they are in constant survival mode, lie, cheat and manipulate... .they certainly are not boring. But intensity... .and drama... .and great sex ( in the beginning before it became transactional) Is not love. It is not intimacy.  

So that my friend is the trade off... . I have had women and actually do now... .truly love me for who I am. Ultimately I do something retarded and self sabotaging. Those core issues you spoke of, have come up for me in a huge way now that I am on the back 9 of my life.

For me, its time to change. I cant escape my childhood issues any longer... .she will never ever change.  I have to change my behavior... .the proximity to her stripped me down and laid waste to the defenses I had buried deep... .in 13 months of the worst hell that I have had in a very very long time. Drama, intensity, never ending demands, and ultimately the worst demonizing anyone should have to hear... .followed by some demand that would lead to sex, of which I was so jacked and starved for from her... .and then blaming shifting, projection target nastiness and gas-lighting. She has a parade of white knights she keeps hidden. Shes a substance abusing addict. She has an emotional dysfunction, but I have enough normalcy to end MY addiction to a person... .because its not about her... .its about un met childhood needs. I will always care about her on some level, but I just cant be there anymore.  Sucks.
Logged
cosmonaut
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1057



« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2014, 08:21:00 PM »

I've heard the term abandonment depression used many times here, and I would like to understand more about it.  Does anyone have any good resources?  I know user 2010 wrote of it often.  I realize the term is somewhat self evident, but I'm clearly undergoing some sort of hideous depression and I want to understand it better.
Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2014, 08:54:01 PM »

Abandonment depression is what they call the separation anxiety a little kid has when apart from their mother... when they first start venturing out on their own ... they need a secure base, and they will get out of eye sight and then come back to see if they are okay and to find their mom. As they learn to do things on their own the mother normally would mirror their excitement at accomplishing self actualizing things like starting to walk away and simple things like that. The mirroring and encouragement refuels them and helps them to develop a sense of self... that it is okay and in fact good to explore and learn and do what they want to do.

However, if instead of encouraging them to express themselves... the parents are negative or punishing about self activating behavior... the kid picks up on it, and feels that same abandonment depression... but stops themselves from individuating... they watch the parent for signs of what is okay and what is not, and never go through the earliest level of developing their self... which results in arrested development, and since it is before the stages where they develop empathy, and is at the point where the infant still sees everything as good/bad... you get someone that does splitting and is super needy in some way... like BPD/NPD/SPD.

If someone doesn't successfully complete the individuation phase of development... .the abandonment depression comes back anytime someone is trying to be their real self, it is triggered by those kind of activities... so a person will do something that is right for them, deep down right... and then be hit with severe depression and feelings that they are terrible, bad, that bad things will happen... so they stop doing what they want, and do what someone else wants or they take a role and try to act like something they are not... like be "a great mother" or " a rescuer" or any of a zillion other roles that give someone a false persona to hide behind... .and calm their nerves.

The anxiety is great... it is the same level of intensity we get with dealing with a pwBPD in a r/s... because that is what is going on with them. They go back and forth between acting like a perfectly wonderful child-like person(good false ego act)... to trying to be themselves (briefly)... then plummeting in to being all the bad that they split themselves in to being... a total witch/beast... .so you see idealizing/pathetic clinging/raging-hating.

The amazing thing to me... is that supposedly all might have taken for them to be normal... was some parental unconditional love, personal attention mirroring of emotions, and encouragement to act on their own.

Instead... a lifetime of being unsure who they are, failed relationships, projecting blame and hurt on others... and lost potential.

Best few books I have read on Abandonment Depression were "The Real Self" and "Search for the Real Self" by James F. Masterson M.D. and "The Betrayal of the Body" by Alexander Lowen M.D.

The Betrayal of the Body is probably the one I would most recommend... it described me, my parents, and my exBPDgf ... our thought processes and issues so well it just amazed me... should be a classic of psychology... .but they are all very good.
Logged
cosmonaut
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1057



« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2014, 09:41:05 PM »

This is perfect, charred.  Thank you very much for taking the time to write it.  It helps me understand much better what the term means.  I have heard of Masterson's work before and I think I will have to check him out.  I haven't heard of Lowen, but I'll have to look into him as well.  You seem like you are very knowledgeable about this.  I think you must have walked a long and difficult road.
Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2014, 10:19:30 PM »

This is perfect, charred.  Thank you very much for taking the time to write it.  It helps me understand much better what the term means.  I have heard of Masterson's work before and I think I will have to check him out.  I haven't heard of Lowen, but I'll have to look into him as well.  You seem like you are very knowledgeable about this.  I think you must have walked a long and difficult road.

Thanks... I have been almost obsessive about trying to figure out why I fell for my pwBPD... why it was so toxic, what illusions I was operating under, and after beating up on myself a lot... .why I beat up on myself a lot. Was hyper as a kid... they called it ADHD... and Ritalin helped... but a few years ago it became clear it was not some organic hyper problem... more likely I wasn't securely attached... was just anxious... so I worked on anxiety (mindfulness)... and found my ADHD symptoms were gone when I was relaxed and present... but I could be a nail biting bundle of hyper nerves if I got to ruminating and worrying.

Read the books on shame and saw the TED talks and realized that there was some kind of an issue with false vs real self in my pwBPD... and in how I responded to people... liked authentic people, couldn't stand big ego's and people lacking integrity... and while I did my best to be true to my word... I ran from being my real self... and wasn't sure who I was in some ways.

Read Laura Mellin's books... "The Pathway" and "Wired for Joy"... on the role of anxiety in causing a lot of issues between people... how the reptile/emotional and thinking brains work with stress. and how to get from a bad high anxiety state to much more pleasant states... but they didn't quite do the trick. Excellent books, and well worth the effort... but still, I had trouble with doing things I liked... then feeling horrible and stopping... to the point of it being ridiculous and a mystery to me. Then I read "Betrayal of the Body"... and realized it perfectly described me, my not totally horrible, but non-validating and anti-real self upbringing ... and it pointed to a ray of hope in dealing with what was some degree of schizoid ideation and symptoms on my part. The mix of exercises and psychology... to get you back in to feelings... in your body... made sense... and drove home the point something was wrong. If you grow up being tense and anxious... it eventually shows in your body... you breath shallow in your chest, not deep and naturally from your diaphragm, you tense up a lot of muscles in your jaw and neck and things like that. Became aware of just how physically tight and detached I was from my body and feelings both good and bad.

Once the basic understanding of how a little kid normally develops a sense of self started to gel with me... I wanted to know what all could be done to work through the Abandonment depression... as I thought just doing odd stretches and seeing a therapist... sounded questionable. Read the Masterson books... and he very clearly elaborated the process that happens with kids... the doing a little, running back to mom, doing a little more ... and how they get refueled in their efforts if they are lucky and have a good mom... however an absent minded one, or one that treats them like an object, or one that wants them to play some role... doesn't refuel... they run out of gas and don't get over that early hurdle... and it stops a lot of development... just like it does for pwBPD and pwNPD.

They are good books... and the issues are so common that even if its not your issue... you will know people that have behaviors that suddenly make sense to you.

My long difficult road... was denying that I was impacted by my NPD father or BPD mother, their endless fighting and divorce... moving every few years... and all the other things that clearly did impact me. The long difficult part was avoiding feeling emotions, and keeping people at a distance out of fear and to prevent hurt. Looking back ... makes me feel stupid to have put off doing anything about it... I am over 50 now and only reached out for help when I was so stressed out I feared a heart attack or some kind of breakdown.  Stoic... is stupid.
Logged
Karmachameleon
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently broken up
Posts: 74



« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2014, 10:22:22 PM »

I'm amazed at how appropriate this post is for me.  I have been crying for two days straight and it scared the crap out of me.  I'm typically not a depressed person.  But currently I am going between uncontrollable crying and a zombie like state.  It is torture.  I am 1 and a half months post breakup and 2 weeks of total NC.  I guess this means I am getting past withdraw?  I have been able to fully realize that this is about me and not him, so that's progress, right?  I am no longer wanting to know what he is doing and I have quit wishing for ways to work things out.  I do still want horrific things to happen to him, though... . I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to get a referral for a therapist.  
Logged
charred
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1206



« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2014, 10:34:18 PM »

I'm amazed at how appropriate this post is for me.  I have been crying for two days straight and it scared the crap out of me.  I'm typically not a depressed person.  But currently I am going between uncontrollable crying and a zombie like state.  It is torture.  I am 1 and a half months post breakup and 2 weeks of total NC.  I guess this means I am getting past withdraw?  I have been able to fully realize that this is about me and not him, so that's progress, right?  I am no longer wanting to know what he is doing and I have quit wishing for ways to work things out.  I do still want horrific things to happen to him, though... . I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to get a referral for a therapist.  

It could be that... or something else... have the professional work with you and find out. Therapy is not scary, or hard... it is talking to someone and getting feedback... after a while you find yourself getting better and looking at things differently. For a lot of people seeing a good therapist is the first time in their life that they had someone who was genuinely interested in improving their well being and happiness. Just the huge stress relief that came from learning about and doing mindfulness exercises justified continuing seeing the therapist. I paid cash and didn't worry about insurance or anyone finding out and thinking badly of me... just thought of it as some guidance counseling. Over time, my view changed from... "my exBPDgf did this to me", to "I was 1/2 the problem in the r/s", to " my issues and her issues went back before the r/s"... to "who cares about her... how do I get to being my real self and really living?"

The zombie like state was one I was often in... some of it numb, some of it off in my own internal world. Its okay to be yourself... acceptance is what is hard and helps a lot.

Good luck.
Logged
Take2
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 732



« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2014, 11:52:23 AM »

Splitblack... .how are you doing with your situation. ... ?

I haven't been on here as much lately. ...   I hope you are past withdrawal and denial and anger onto acceptance... .   things have been somewhat better for me... .which isn't to say I've had NO with my ex since we do still work together. ... .but I have been feeling stronger... .despite my e's continued rage and follow thru on some threats... .   I have been given no more options to convince myself anything could ever come of any kind of r/s with him... .

Hope you too are in a strong place... .

I allowed recycling again this past month which ended with me changing my number. This go around was awful and nothing changed. I made it worse by sleeping with her and she literally decided to to once again go full tilt smear to ruin me.

I'm in the only place I can be with any possible chance of saving my myself and breaking this horrible toxic cycle. She will never change. I have to. 8 days since I saw her 4 days of NC. I have no idea what she is doing or saying. She can't reach me. I'm ok. Just a bit bummed from time to time. Hope u r ok

Yep... .I know that no way could I sleep with my ex again.   Every time fantastic but each time / recycle triggered a worse/scarier reaction from him.

I am having one of those one step up, 500 steps back kinda weeks. 

I need to read the rest of this chain... .it seems really interesting. ...

Logged
Elpis
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 349



WWW
« Reply #14 on: July 25, 2014, 09:47:56 PM »

I love my T--without her I would still be stuck in the same Groundhog Day situation where I kept doing the same things trying to change it up with my uBPDh of nearly 38 years, and still expecting things to turn out differently.

Turns out, something I think I already knew, I love to "help" and to be needed. Even my friendships have often been about me being someone's person to confide in.

Also turns out that I have complex ptsd because of non-nurturing parents in the earliest of years, which has a weird connection and match up to many BPD traits. (but I have never been an angry raging person as my uBPDh has been for most of our marriage.) I've put more energy on my H than on myself, thinking that I could help him somehow with his difficult childhood. As we've gotten older I started thinking "why is he still talking about this but not doing anything about it?" And I started looking around and seeing all the projects he's started and never finished in our house (have had 2 rooms "out of service" 1 for nearly 2 years and the other for 8 years) and realizing so much about him has been just words. And I kept talking myself out of things being wrong until I couldn't stand how they were anymore--no reciprocal interest in my life, no regard for my needs or rights as a person... .bleh.

My body told me Enough and handed me Fibromyalgia, something that seems clearly related to one very over-reactive Fight Flight Freeze response that's been overused since birth. So, yep, the body doesn't lie. I think I need to read that book by Lawson.

All I know for sure is that we have to be very aware of our body responses and where our brains go--I find myself thinking "gee wouldn't it be great if his therapy changes him enough to not push me so hard I have these trauma breakdowns related to my past and everything was good again!" We have kids together, grandkids, and every holiday has had some BPD event and weirdness to mess with it. It's hard to decide that we know what we know--but if nothing else, WRITE IT DOWN. WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH. So that if you are sure you need to be moving forward in your life you can look at the list and say "right! I don't ever want to go back there."

The grief stuff? It doesn't happen in a straight line. You can experience little bits of each part all scrambled together, hit 'anger' and still go back to 'denial" for a while. The point is, we go through all those stages at some point or at many points in the grief process. We need to accept the process and not overanalyze, yunno?

60 and just figuring it out! (out of the house for 5 months now.) Still don't know where this whole thing is going, but I suspect I will always be too big a trigger for my h and he for me after all these years... .I love him and wish him the best, and I wish the same for me.

Elpis

Logged
Karmachameleon
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Recently broken up
Posts: 74



« Reply #15 on: July 26, 2014, 12:18:09 AM »

You can experience little bits of each part all scrambled together, hit 'anger' and still go back to 'denial" for a while. The point is, we go through all those stages at some point or at many points in the grief process. We need to accept the process and not overanalyze, yunno?

60 and just figuring it out! (out of the house for 5 months now.) Still don't know where this whole thing is going, but I suspect I will always be too big a trigger for my h and he for me after all these years... .I love him and wish him the best, and I wish the same for me.

I love this.  Thank you so much.  38 years of marriage and you are able to move on and cope with this?  Wow.  You are amazing.  Makes me see that I can make it past my relationship, too.  At 41 I've been feeling like it is too late for me to find happiness.  You are an inspiration.
Logged
Elpis
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 349



WWW
« Reply #16 on: July 26, 2014, 01:07:48 AM »

I love this.  Thank you so much.  38 years of marriage and you are able to move on and cope with this?  Wow.  You are amazing.  Makes me see that I can make it past my relationship, too.  At 41 I've been feeling like it is too late for me to find happiness.  You are an inspiration.

Thank YOU! i'm glad it helps-- and at 41 you're still a baby.  

And you can make it past your relationship. The healthier you get the more you'll see the truth of things, and the more you'll WANT your own mental health! I have my days of stumbling over "wishes and dreams" trust me. And it's all part of the process.

You have at minimum HALF YOUR LIFE to live! Craziness, eh? And I have at least 2 decades. We have loads of time. Smiling (click to insert in post)

And now I will clear my throat and sing:

"KARMAKARMAKARMACHAMELEON, YOU COME AND GO, YOU COME AND GO-O-O-OH... ."



Elpis
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!