she left her belongings - what should I do?

[malwa]

Hello Everyone,

It's been almost 1 month since I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved out of my flat (we lived together for 10 months, 13 months we were a couple)

First (after many months of being the one who were saying in rage - "I am leaving you!" she was crying and saying that she will kill herself/will do everything for us.

The next day, as I kept telling her that I wanted her to leave (it was very very hard for me) she was quiet and was apologizing for her behaviour. But still continuing "I will do everythig, you are the best now I know that, I dont want do loss you". We never talked about BPD, but once she mentioned (during small party, when we were talking about some family stuff, how our parents were bad etc.) "I am afraid that I have 'this' borderline".

So the next day I kept repeating "I want to end this because our relationship is not healthy, I want see a therapist, and you should do the same". She said "yes yes, I will go on a therapy. I will always feel bad for what I have done to you" (it seemed to be quite honest so it touched me... .although I really dont want her to feel bad... .just to move on with my own life).

She moved out quite soon, but... .two floors up!

She managed to take most of her belongings but she left some "valuable" things to make them "safe". I said OK, but I knew it will cause problems... .There are quite many not my things still in my wardrobe.

I told her - "Thank you, that everything went so quickly. now it's the time I want to focus on therapy and keep calm. Let's go no contact".

She said "Ok, but I cant promise it to you, I will be waiting, I love you".

She left me a romantic letter in the room where she had her stuff. She emailed me the very next day after moving out. She left a letter (a poem) in my mailbox. She's been liking  my stuff on Fcbk for the next 10 days. The second week she sent two short emails. Every emails/letters was romantic. "I miss u, I love you".

I did not reply for any of these message (it was not easy... .).

Last weekend I saw her contacting "new" friends on FCBK. Then a "new" friend posted on her wall etc.

I realised that all these actions were for me to see them, to react. I felt jelaous and was like "So that is how you're waiting for me?".

To be clear - I do not want her to wait for me, I want to end it.

Sometimes I feel bad, sometimes I fell good. But rather depressed. I take pills prescribed by psychiatrist.

Today I was reading about ruminating. Yes, I ruminate quite often and have almost no control on it.

On Monday I had my first meeting with therapist. It was the first meeting and we focused on what's happening right now. She said that if I choose to "cool my heart" (and that is what I've chosen) the best option is for me to make a package and send my ex's belongings to her home address. I know that. She said that the contact/meeting will make me down, depressed, and most probably my ex won't take everything.

So now I don't know what to do. I know my therapist is right.

Now I see that for the last 2 weeks I kept thinking, that my ex will be contacting me, sending me love letters, I will be recovering with this sweet validation (she was the wrong person!) and maybe some  day I will ask her to come and take her things. So everything will go smoothly.

Actually I feel bad that I checked her messages to me, that I checked her FCBK.

It's been one week since she emailed me and I feel like I'm trapped. Although I did not want her to contact me!

Now I started to think, that all these things in my wardrobe are heavy, that I have no time to go to the post office (which is truth). That maybe I should be respectfull and let her just take it.

But I dont want her to come. Another hour I want her to come, or go for a coffee and ask her to take what she's left. I want to email her and propose the meeting (the last, before definitely NO CONTACT).

How do you think? Is it possible to have "controlled contact" in this situation?

best!

malwa

[LettingGo14]

How do you think? Is it possible to have "controlled contact" in this situation?

Your therapist has good advice regarding a "cool down" period.  I know that personal belongings of our ex-partners take on a radioactive quality; however, there are options other than mailing or meeting:

1. Do you have a mutual friend who could take and deliver?

2. Do you have a storage space in another room?

3. Do you have the ability to drop with a third party for storage?

Cooling down is very, very, very helpful. 

[iluminati]

I agree with what LettingGo14 said.  Also, if I'm clear, the stuff she left behind was property for her personal use, not things that were commonly used by the both of you, like appliances, cookware, furniture, etc., right?  I would consult the laws where ever you're located to see what obligations you have in terms of turning over her stuff.  I would also say that any possessions at your place left after a given period of time (at least month, more realistically 2 or 3) will be henceforth considered your property to use and dispose of as you see fit.

[malwa]

thank you for you replies!

yes - these are her things, not ours, but unfortunately some of them are also the things that we used to use together, like valuable porcelain tea service. so it keeps memories alive, somehow.

The thing is it is not a big problem for me to keep the things "physically" - I have storage place (and she knew that). but I do not feel comfortable because it is a kind of bond.

the other issue is that I can imagine, than even if I decide that I want to contact her "for the last time" via email - she will not answer immediately. To make me keeping waiting for her reply... .

I would like to have control over this process but sometimes I am just so exhausted... .

[Mutt]

thank you for you replies!

yes - these are her things, not ours, but unfortunately some of them are also the things that we used to use together, like valuable porcelain tea service. so it keeps memories alive, somehow.

The thing is it is not a big problem for me to keep the things "physically" - I have storage place (and she knew that). but I do not feel comfortable because it is a kind of bond.

the other issue is that I can imagine, than even if I decide that I want to contact her "for the last time" via email - she will not answer immediately. To make me keeping waiting for her reply... .

I would like to have control over this process but sometimes I am just so exhausted... .

I'm not sure that I understand the first paragraph. There are items that you don't want to store because you had a bond?

You're wise and your likely right that your not going to get a response right away, a response that you would like or maybe none at all. The waiting and anticipating causes anguish. I wrote some parting letters on paper to get my feelings out for my wife because it was a life-event a traumatic experience and I needed to have my love for her validated and heard. I wrote those feelings down.

[malwa]

Mutt,

thank you very much!

to make it more clear:)--> I'd rather not store her things because these remind me of her in a good way. You know - we have been leaving in my place. There are so many other things (although I rearranged one room) that makes this flat almost "cursed"... .

I will try to write my feelings down, to protect myself from waiting and anticipating... .

[Mutt]

You're welcome malwa. If you're comfortable with having her things in your surrounding. So be it. There's no right or wrong here    Good idea with writing your letter 

[Trent]

although I really dont want her to feel bad... .just to move on with my own life

She moved out quite soon, but... .two floors up!

She managed to take most of her belongings but she left some "valuable" things to make them "safe". I said OK, but I knew it will cause problems... .There are quite many not my things still in my wardrobe.

Both of these actions are her way to hang on.  It gives her a convenient "excuse" to bump into you in the future.

She said "Ok, but I cant promise it to you, I will be waiting, I love you".

... .

Last weekend I saw her contacting "new" friends on FCBK. Then a "new" friend posted on her wall etc. I realised that all these actions were for me to see them, to react. I felt jelaous and was like "So that is how you're waiting for me?".

From what I've read about the disorder, this is to be expected.  The hard part is ignoring her words and focusing on her actions.  Odds are she won't get far in therapy (if at all) and will end up finding a new guy/savior in relatively short order.  Since you live in the same building, you must mentally prepare yourself for her "showing off" her new bf to you fairly soon.  In fact, if you don't get her stuff out soon, he could be the guy that shows up at your door helping her move it out, being the white knight that he probably is.

To be clear - I do not want her to wait for me, I want to end it.

Good choice.  I wouldn't wait for her to take it; she's had plenty of time to sort out the logistics but that was probably never the issue to begin with.  It's about emotional control.  Her belongings remaining there this long is probably having a negative effect on you, bringing back happy memories and making you miss her.  This is likely by design.  Even if it isn't, it should be treated as such IMO.

I would personally find a way to box up everything that is hers and get it to her without any contact whatsoever, if possible.  LettingGo14 had good ideas.  If she lives two floors up (an apartment I presume?) I'd box it up and leave it outside her door, then send a text "I didn't hear back from you, so I dropped your stuff off at your door.  Good luck" and then go completely NC.  OK, on second thought, I'd probably text her before and tell her when you're going to drop it off, and give her a day to respond.  If no response, proceed anyways. 

This is a tough situation, good luck 

[Infared]

I went thru the wringer with my ex and her belongings... .but I think every situation is different and there can be a lot of different choices.

We rented a townhouse together. She ran off to be with her new hero (of course tellin me there was no one). Initially she said she was staying at her father' shut that was probably a lie. All of her things were in our place and of course, sucker that I was, I was taking care of both her cats, which I really loved as well.

I loved her so much I could not stand the pain of watching her move out so we made arrangements for her to come by with her Mother (who I also loved), to get her things. I left for the day, so her mother may not have even been there for all I know? I trusted her Mom and was in a lot of pain, so I did what I could to protect myself by not being there.

So she leaves all of these boxes in the attic, out of laziness, not on purpose to make contact in the future.  I tell her that she has to come and get them and that I will make it easier for her and bring them down from the attic and put the in the garage (yes, I was still playing parent).

Now these are boxes filled with cooking new cooking utensilsand pots and pans and stuff her Mom had bought her and other old belongings.  She just takes all of it and puts it on the curb.

Again, I left as I could not bear seeing her ! I missed her so much... .so I come home and everything is on the curb... I am talking about a LOT of boxes. Our town had stopped bulk pickup for the winter. People picked thru it and it got rained and snowed on and I had to look at it every day for months. ... .but the important thing here is that none of the affected or mattered to her! It was like she was throwing away her old life literally on my front lawn and running of to fabricate an all new fantasy with her rescuer.  I could not believe that she didn't even go thru the boxes.

I can't tell you how painful it was to look at all that stuff day after day.

One thing I am sure of pwBPD are extremely self-centered! They don't care about anyone else or their feelings. That's for sure.

Malwa, you are very aware of your feelings and processing them. I think you sound like you are being very honest with yourself and protecting yourself from any agendas on her part or yours. When the time is right you will make an appropriate choice with the belongings.

[malwa]

Infared, Trent thank you very much.

Your posts and support made me think of this situation more and more realistic.

I relate to this--> "Her belongings remaining there this long is probably having a negative effect on you, bringing back happy memories and making you miss her.  This is likely by design.  Even if it isn't, it should be treated as such IMO."

I am preparing myself for dealing with this.

Infared - so sad what you've written... .It must've been totally painful, I can imagine that

[malwa]

Hello,

I would like to update you, Guys.

Well, I had a hard time, still, after my last post. I was struggling with my decision about how to move out my exBPDgirlfriend stuff. I met my therapist and she insisted that I should do it without any contact.

Today my ex emailed me (after no contact fo almost 2 weeks, and making new "friendships" on fcbk): "Hi, could I take my photo camera?".(so, not all, but only the camer).

I didn't not repy, but just went to work and at the same time started to make a plan. Although I was totally owerwhelmed by the desire to answer "yes, come ... .at... ." I consulted it with my friends. I contacted mine and my ex mutual friend and asked him to move out everything (3 boxes ans 2 big bags) without her. He came with his boyfriend and they took her things. They were very supportive and said "Malwa, move on and forget. She's got a boyfriend. We were totally suprised, because first two weeks she was crying in our arms and saying that she uderstood everything, she loved you and would do everything. And now, so quickly. Honestly, we are worried, because this is not what 'normal' people usually do, such a change in her behaviour!"./they no nothing about BPD/

So, that is it.

thank you once again for your support!

[asher2]

Malwa -

Sorry I'm late to responding. Your story sounds very similar to mine and perhaps I can provide some insight. My ex also had all kinds of things of hers at my place after we broke up. After we broke up, I was at a point where I just wanted it over and just wanted to move on with my life. I was tired of her drama and I knew it was wearing on my emotions considerably.

You know what I realized keeping her stuff at my place did to me? She still "had" me. Everyday when I'd come home from work, the first thing I'd do was check to see if she got her stuff (she had a key to my place and kept telling me that she'd come to get her stuff when I was at work and leave the key there when she was done). Looking back, she knew very well what she was doing as it was one of her many manipulation tactics. Like your ex, she had already moved on to someone else but wanted to keep me on the backburner just in case. By keeping her stuff at my place, she still was able to be connected to me.

After about a week of her not getting her stuff as she had promised, I ended up boxing it up and taking it to her parent's house in the middle of the day when I knew no one was home. Man, did that feel good. Yes it was hard because I knew it was one of the "final" steps to her really being gone, but when I did that I felt like I finally had some control of the situation. And I had the locks to my door changed. It felt good to "call the shots."

I'm glad to hear you were able to get her stuff out of your place. I'm sure your ex (like mine) would have kept it there as long as she could to still have a way to keep hold of you.

And don't be surprised if she reaches out in odd ways to you in the future. My ex did a lot of covert things to keep tabs on me. I saw her parked once (who knows who many times she actually did it) outside my place once, I received hang up calls and texts from numbers I didn't recognize and even had her view my LinkedIn page THREE DAYS AFTER she got married to my replacement. I firmly believe none of these things were on accident. Her mind is a living hell and she is constantly trying to find ways to soothe herself and find escape routes if she needs them. I'm probably one of many... .

The good news is that it sounds like you are on the path to healing. The BEST thing I did for myself was go NC and create space from her so I could heal. NC is 100% about you and healing. I remember those first couple days and months after we broke up. I was a mess, my head was spinning and I didn't know what the hell just happened. NC gave me the much needed time and space to heal.

Oh, and things do get better. Ironically, it was two years ago today I met her for the first time. My relationship with her was short, insanely intense and over about as quickly as it started. But I learned so much about MYSELF as a result of my relationship with her. There were so many things about ME that needed to be fixed before I felt like I could move on into a new relationship. I took a lot of time reflecting on what needed to change within me before I could start dating again and you know what? I'm dating a wonderful person now and the relationship is developing naturally and I believe in a healthy way. I hope that you too can heal, learn from this experience and have it lead you to someone even better in the future.

[Infared]

Hello,

I would like to update you, Guys.

Well, I had a hard time, still, after my last post. I was struggling with my decision about how to move out my exBPDgirlfriend stuff. I met my therapist and she insisted that I should do it without any contact.

Today my ex emailed me (after no contact fo almost 2 weeks, and making new "friendships" on fcbk): "Hi, could I take my photo camera?".(so, not all, but only the camer).

I didn't not repy, but just went to work and at the same time started to make a plan. Although I was totally owerwhelmed by the desire to answer "yes, come ... .at... ." I consulted it with my friends. I contacted mine and my ex mutual friend and asked him to move out everything (3 boxes ans 2 big bags) without her. He came with his boyfriend and they took her things. They were very supportive and said "Malwa, move on and forget. She's got a boyfriend. We were totally suprised, because first two weeks she was crying in our arms and saying that she uderstood everything, she loved you and would do everything. And now, so quickly. Honestly, we are worried, because this is not what 'normal' people usually do, such a change in her behaviour!"./they no nothing about BPD/

So, that is it.

thank you once again for your support!

Malwa... .that.s GREAT!  I knew you would make a great decision and one that was thoughtful to you and her.  No matter what her behavior, if you focus on behaving well yourself and being considerate and at the same time protecting yourself from further harm/abuse, in the end you feel good about you. This is what I worked for, keeping level-headed... .in my case it was very difficult to do that because of the way I was being treated, (I wanted to lash out... .but with the guidance of a therapist and a self-help group I didn't)... .but I ended up respecting myself and in the end I was all I had.  

Sounds like you have good friends, too... .and they will also notice you mature behavior in the middle of the pwBPD's tempest... .

Sorry for you situation, but BRAVO to you for how you are handling it!

[Trent]

And don't be surprised if she reaches out in odd ways to you in the future. My ex did a lot of covert things to keep tabs on me. I saw her parked once (who knows who many times she actually did it) outside my place once, I received hang up calls and texts from numbers I didn't recognize and even had her view my LinkedIn page THREE DAYS AFTER she got married to my replacement. I firmly believe none of these things were on accident. Her mind is a living hell and she is constantly trying to find ways to soothe herself and find escape routes if she needs them. I'm probably one of many... .

The good news is that it sounds like you are on the path to healing. The BEST thing I did for myself was go NC and create space from her so I could heal. NC is 100% about you and healing. I remember those first couple days and months after we broke up. I was a mess, my head was spinning and I didn't know what the hell just happened. NC gave me the much needed time and space to heal.

+1 to all of this.  Well said, asher, and congrats on your new r/s! 

Malwa, good job on getting it done.  The first couple months are the toughest, so hang in there.  Now is the time to go NC... .block her on your phone, on facebook, everywhere.  You will miss her and be tempted to contact her... .do not!  Instead, come here and read/learn, and remind yourself of what she did to you, and how you deserve much better.