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Author Topic: Is it wrong to think these thoughts?  (Read 1208 times)
Ventus2ct
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« on: July 24, 2014, 06:33:07 AM »

3 months NC and yes still think about my ex, as mentioned in another thread re compassion, I don't feel hardly any to her now, I have to look deep inside myself to find it. I sit here and actually think "what a sad little life she leads" Is this wrong of me? Is it me being bitter? Or is it actually how I feel? It makes me feel slightly guilty to think this but I do. I guess she copes as best as she can.

I feel excited and not at all apprehensive (in my mind anyway) about dating again, not a relationship but just dating. Excited to feel free, to not think 24/7 about "her", excited to meet new people, normal people, have normal conversations etc.

Having read so many stories on here regarding healing I am just curious to know should I feel like this at this time stage of NC? Or am I just burying my issues/her only for them to resurface again later down the line.

I will add the relationship lasted 9 months (with a break in-between of circa a month) or is it simply that I have accepted that I have no hope left that contact or reconciliation will never happen. I feel that I am almost at the stage where if she did try again or contact me i would just walk on by and continue my NC.

Am interested in your thoughts.
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2014, 01:04:37 AM »

Hi Ventus,

Everyone is different. There are no time limits and only you can ultimately judge your progress. I read most of you old posts to get a backstory. You are making progress it seems from what I read. You and your ex have been through a lot. I wouldn't over analyze yourself too harshly. Just feel the feelings. All of them from anger to tears and see what new understanding of things comes during the healing process.

When you start dating your going to possibly risk falling in love fast into a rebound relationship to fill the void. You might wait and just sort things out or very casually date and take things slow if your sure your ready for it.

Considering this girl had an abortion lately, man to man I would tell you consider using protection in the future until you have at the very least a serious relationship with a healthy person. There are members here who have kids with their BPD ex's and they are going through a lot of stress. Maybe the next girl you date will have BPD also or worse or better, who knows right? Just saying that as caring advice, not preaching to you.

I think it is ok to care about someone you once loved and understand them. It's also ok to care about yourself and insist on NC from a person who broke up with you by text and was cruel. I am strict NC also. I feel that someone who has shown no respect for me is not deserving of any more of my time.

Where do you feel you are at regarding the five stages of detachment?

Peace,

AO

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Blimblam
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« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2014, 03:16:06 AM »

Ventura,

What ever it is you are thinking is legitimate. It is all a part of the process.  The thoughts go In circles though.  It's is normal to obsess about her after all she feels like your soulmate right and how could she just move on so quickly.  I think you really need to just take things slowly and be patient with yourself. I'm sure you feel a gaping hole feeling in your chest well that feeling is trying to tell you something and it had all the answers.  When you are ready you must accept defeat and surrender to that feeling in your chest and just feel it observe it remove the story and just embrace that gaping black hole untill you find comfort in the emptiness.  You can't force it and you can't fight it.  It may take quite some time before you find that comfort In that empty feeling and that's ok.  You may find as you embrace that feeling great shame and fear all sorts of repressed emotions just feel them accept them let them pass over you.  This may take a while and that's ok too. Keep reading keep posting.

This is what I found when I finally accepted defeat and surrendered to that feeling in my chest. But let me first tell you there were a bunch of times I thought I accepted defeat and surrendered but there was still a part of me fighting clinging to hope and guess what that's ok too it will happen when it happens.  


   

Re: What I am reclaiming.

« Reply #9 on: Today at 02:00:18 AM »

Quote

What you experienced throughout the relationship was your own self reflected back at you.  She was just a mirror you projected your own pride or fantasy onto her. Her experience was radically different than yours you were just a distraction to her.  What you were really bonding to was the idealized version of yourself you saw in her eyes that's why she felt like your soulmate.  All those moments where you soothed her activated your vulnerable narcissism and you felt an sense of pride when she was soothed conditioning you to maintain the fantasy. The illusion is that she the object you identify as the projection of your self is one and the same. You are not letting go of her she is already gone. You are reclaiming the part of yourself you think you lost wen you lost the object. You can already feel that part of yourself and it feels like a gaping hole in your chest you never lost that part of yourself though that is the illusion that is so painfull. Realizing all you thought was her was really you, it was your own projection, own it because that's just a part of you.

The pain is the conflict thinking you need the object to feel that part of you again. The pain is your body saying hey I'm right here HELLO! I AM RIGHT HERE.  Accept defeat and surrender to that feeling in your body. It is waiting for you

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Blimblam
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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2014, 03:54:00 AM »

Ventus

You are in the midst of an epic journey.  This experience you are going through has been inspiration for a lot of the greatest art throughout history.  The oddysy by homer.   The stories of vampires and succubi.  Pretty much all the music by the bands tool and a perfect circle. The movies fight club  the entire new batman series.  The movie eternal sunshine and the spotless mind.  All film noire.  The matrix. 

The biblical story of Samson and Delilah

Check all that stuff out and you will get a lot of clues.

The music by tool if you also read the lyrics and a perfect circle will really help you to center in on what you are feeling and experience it somatically.

Cry a much as you can.

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Ventus2ct
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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2014, 09:25:58 AM »

Hi AwakenedOne,

Am not sure where I am in the 5 stages, feel more anger, at her and also at myself for allowing myself to have put myself in that situation.

I make myself not think about her as best I can, sure I can still admit to missing waking up with her and many other lovely things. But I have to let my mind wander for that to happen.

Regarding a relationship, I am simply not ready, am aware of this, just casual dates for me, see how I feel, I may not be ready, just aware that there is a future ahead and am excited by it.

Many thanks for your words, may reply in more length later as currently in a tractor!
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Ventus2ct
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« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2014, 09:29:02 AM »

Blimblam can I respond later? Thanks for your words
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Ventus2ct
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« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2014, 03:20:25 PM »

BlimBlam, yes I note your words and what you say is very true, maybe I am not looking inwardly enough, I recognize a lot of what you say. I just seem to have reached a stage in this last week where I feel different… I don't obsess 24/7 about her, sure I think but I suspect I have come to the realization that it would never work, realization I am not 100% I'd want it to work if given a chance because I am also aware that it was toxic.

Thinking about what stage I'm at, I am not sure, anger or denial or both. I was hopeful of contact but not so much now, although I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes have some hope, but I am unsure if they would be for the right reasons. Maybe I would like the opportunity to "reject" her but then that wouldn't make me a very nice person would it!
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seeking balance
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« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2014, 04:28:08 PM »

3 months NC and yes still think about my ex, as mentioned in another thread re compassion, I don't feel hardly any to her now, I have to look deep inside myself to find it. I sit here and actually think "what a sad little life she leads" Is this wrong of me?

Why do you think this may be wrong?  Attaching judgment to you or to her, keeps an attachment.  There is no right/wrong way to process, but the fact you think of her means you are... .well, processing.

Is it me being bitter? Or is it actually how I feel? It makes me feel slightly guilty to think this but I do. I guess she copes as best as she can.

The answer is probably "all the above".  It is common to bounce around the stages of grief, it is not linear at all.  Try not to attach judgment to yourself for how you feel - notice it, let it go.

I feel excited and not at all apprehensive (in my mind anyway) about dating again, not a relationship but just dating.

It is exciting to think about dating, dating itself - that is hard work.  You will know right away if there are any lingering effects - pay attention to your boundaries and such.  Feel free to post or read the dating board - it is here for a reason   

Excited to feel free, to not think 24/7 about "her", excited to meet new people, normal people, have normal conversations etc.

Question:  Can't you do this without it being dating?

Having read so many stories on here regarding healing I am just curious to know should I feel like this at this time stage of NC? Or am I just burying my issues/her only for them to resurface again later down the line.

I will add the relationship lasted 9 months (with a break in-between of circa a month) or is it simply that I have accepted that I have no hope left that contact or reconciliation will never happen. I feel that I am almost at the stage where if she did try again or contact me i would just walk on by and continue my NC.

Am interested in your thoughts.

You know, I have said many times on these boards - we are where we are.  If this is how you feel now, then it is real for you.  You will know pretty quickly if she did contact you how real this is - it could go either way.

At the end of the day, we do our best and our emotions are just that:  energy in motion... .depending on the day, it may change.

If you are worried about your feelings not being "real" or "right" - sit in them, don't react to them, it will come clear for you.

Peace,

SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
Ventus2ct
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« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2014, 04:50:22 PM »

Thanks SB, yes I guess reading some other topics, eg compassion, got me thinking that I didn't actually feel any, and then it snowballed, an avenue I hadn't really thought about or examined until then.

Agreed re stages and bouncing around them, so i suspect I'll feel very different next week and then the week after that. Just noticed a massive change within myself this last week, maybe I've just become numb to thinking about her non stop or maybe just that I'm super busy currently.

Yes I can do all of that without dating, although my job does not lead to lots of social interactions, just need to get out and do more social things/functions.

I guess having given it some thought this afternoon regarding if she contacted me, it would depend on how she was, what she said and how strong I felt at the time. As you say it could go any way and hand on heart, it would go the wrong way possibly.

I realize in my saying that would indicate that I am deluding myself in detaching despite feeling better, so whatever I have felt this week is something I cannot put my finger on, I just feel like my old self, like an old friend has walked into the room after being absent for nigh on 12 months.

Strange but I like it, a small brick in the wall.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2014, 05:30:21 PM »

I realize in my saying that would indicate that I am deluding myself in detaching despite feeling better, so whatever I have felt this week is something I cannot put my finger on, I just feel like my old self, like an old friend has walked into the room after being absent for nigh on 12 months.

Strange but I like it, a small brick in the wall.

Ventus, you are not deluding yourself, you are noticing is all - it is not so black/white or all/nothing in terms of detachment... .it takes a lot of time to get to the place of pretty much nothing for most of us.

Celebrate the "old self" coming back - that is awesome!

There really is a lot to the 90 day detox that NC can provide - you seem to be living proof of that.

This is a good thing, you are doing the work - keep it up  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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goldylamont
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« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2014, 06:02:26 PM »

awesome stuff Ventus2ct. SeekingBalance is giving good advice and like he said, detachment is not a linear process. consider the return of your old self, this brick in the new building of you, as a gift. and know that during your recovery you may return to some of the more darker places--and what helped me to do was to acknowledge the good when i felt it. i would try to revel in moments of new found consciousness, of feeling OK. and i would actually tell myself to remember these moments so that when other more challenging moments came along, i was aware that there was yet another more comforting reality that would return. i may not be able to feel it when i was feeling down, but having the experience of feeling it for real, and the faith of knowing that it would return were comforting. this old friend of yours will be there for you, even if he leaves for a while he will return, and the next time even stronger, even longer. so really connect with how you feel now and keep this in mind when things get more challenging. best to you
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Ventus2ct
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« Reply #11 on: July 26, 2014, 01:44:56 AM »

Many thanks GoldyLamont and Seeking Balance, just got to go "with the flow" and observe the emotion, what they are and when they happen. It's great to feel the "old friend" has returned but I will take note that maybe he won't be around permanently, I guess it depends on what I ruminate about and if I "let" myself go back to dark thoughts. It's good when close friends say that you're back to your old self, no matter how temporary!

Although I am also aware the aborted child's due date is this Monday, so that'll be another hurdle to jump emotionally and mentally, so I expect that'll put me back a little. She may contact or she may not but I think unlikely.

Yes 90 days (nearly I think) NC does a lot, it's hard, very at times but I have no desire to reach out, did think to send a card to her stating I was thinking of her for this Monday but thought better of it, it currently sits on my table, soon to be put into the bin.

I think NC was easier for me as my ex has not reached out, she may have done in the first 2 months but I didn't know as she was blocked on everything. I guess am very lucky she just cut and run, this reinforces the shallowness of her feelings/love to me but all the same am grateful as it is allowing me to heal.

I seriously don't know what state or even if I would still be alive without this forum, it has been a godsend and I thank you all so very much for all your advice and support! 
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Blimblam
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« Reply #12 on: July 26, 2014, 02:46:29 AM »

I am glad you are here ventus.  I'm so sorry to hear about what your are about to face. It can be so hard to accept the reality.  I can relate to coming close to the end.  In. The darkness there is cleansing. 
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Ventus2ct
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« Reply #13 on: July 26, 2014, 05:37:21 AM »

Cheers Blimblam, one thing that puzzles me is the fact that she has cut and run, no contact at all does sometimes make me wonder if she is BPD? Or is cutting and running typical of some? I guess when they have secured a new supply there is no need to contact, also suspect that she blames me for the abortion so will be painted black for eternity? To be honest I'd rather it that way!
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« Reply #14 on: July 26, 2014, 08:30:04 AM »

Ventus, so glad you are finding yourself again. This forum is so amazing in your healing journey.  When I feel like ruminating or reminiscing, I start reading the posts here. I have seen comments that we are a kind and compassionate group, but we are so well versed here it blows my mind! There is so much wisdom here, truly a blessing, helps me way more than talking to a well meaning friend who can't understand this. Just wanted to also mention I have started to have dinner, etc. with men and have explained I have been through something quite unpleasant (that's an understatement) and not looking for a relationship.  People have been understanding, and I have met some interesting people from different walks of life.  The reason this helps me is I am with NORMAL for a few hours without expectation or punishment if I look at them the wrong way.  Also without drama, arguing,  and the person is actually interested in ME and my conversation,  and they aren't turning their head every five seconds looking at every cute blonde that walks by. It is helping in my recovery. Continue each day surrounding

yourself with healthy and positive.  Your mindset will slowly start to go there automatically. 
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« Reply #15 on: July 26, 2014, 08:33:25 AM »

Cheers Blimblam, one thing that puzzles me is the fact that she has cut and run, no contact at all does sometimes make me wonder if she is BPD? Or is cutting and running typical of some? I guess when they have secured a new supply there is no need to contact, also suspect that she blames me for the abortion so will be painted black for eternity? To be honest I'd rather it that way!

My ex waits for guys to contact her first when they are old supply.  She only works on securing new supply
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