I found myself earlier today reading through my stuff and just amazed at how entrenched I have been in my sons mothers absolute toxic spell. It is comforting recognising this, I know I still have feelings for her however I sort of accept them and that I can't act on them. Its quite wierd, oh the joy of it all.
A big thing for me has been that support network of people that are in the same situation. In honesty, my friends, family and everyone else thinks I am crazy. They cant understand it. Not even I understood it.
From this site, I have the ultimate understanding, more important than many other things I undertstand myself, each day I am learning a bit more bit by bit. The most empowering thing was going through it one more time, being destroyed one more time and being able to see the behaviours and, accept them? Accept it wont ever change.
I have been writting sort of different ways to describe what has happened so I can explore it differently. At the moment I have been stuck on the walking on egg shells line. First book I read about BPD.
At the start if you look at yourself as an Egg, normal everyday egg. On the inside is your soul, emotions, sense of self & pride.
In comes BPD SO
That Egg gets built up, The shell gets reinforced, made to feel invunerable. You are idolized and put on a pedastool.
At some point in time, subconciously, cracks start to apear, little jabs are taken.
The shell is no longer bullet proof. SO starts to pull it apart, the devaluation begins.
Then peice by peice it gets disasembled, scattered all around you.
Our BPD SO's have taken our Shell, our self confidence and broken it down one small peice by small peice. All of those qualities that we were made to be so proud of are slowly ripped apart.
At this point in time we have no defense mechanism, it is taken away and those jabs are directed at our very being. Our sense of self, pride, self worth is slowly and sometimes quite rapidly ripped to peices. We are open to continued assault on our very being and as we have no defense mechanisms left the gaslighting starts and we accept what isnt true. We start to doubt ourselves.
We are then walking around on Eggshells, no defense mechanisms left waiting for the next attack. Trying to avoid another wound to our very core. We cant reach out as to reach out entales crossing the eggshells and to cross them to get support is to invite another attack.
Then, without warning, without any repurcussion to the BPD SO. They leave.
We have no defnse mechanisms and no pride, no self esteem, they took all of that away and made us bare. There is nothing to protect us from the campaign of lies and diistortion that then ensues as we have no support network in place, no defense at all.
I came here in that state. With nothing apart from an open wound constantly bleeding with a light pole sticking out of my side that was getting twisted around constantly.
Due to the guidance of my P, support network, some of the staff here and members with their own posts and experiences. I have started to pick up those peices and I am getting my defense mechanisms back. I am healing and understanding the wounds that have been inflicted upon me and making changes to rectify my faults that exist at my core.
I am now becoming a whole entity again, the wound is still raw and the peices still scattered but I am navigating the minefield and when I open up a wound due to the past experiences I am exploring that wound and not closing it off and denying its existance I am doing work to heal it. I am accepting my faults and ensureing that those faults that have had a detrimental effect on my past, those flaws that have been exploited are not going to repeat in the future.
My past will not be a indication of where I end up in the future. I am changing that future for a healthier alternative, oh is it painful exploring my faults. However it is so empowering.
I am so not going to be able to hand in these journals for court. Going to be between me and my P
.
