Consequences of BPD-Mum

[Depression = 72% of members]

I didn´t find much about the relationship between BPD-mothers and  their children on my board in Germany (where I come from), so now I´m here, trying to find out, what I can do to help my daughter (16, eating disorder, depression), myself (signs of BPD) and my mum (uBPD, 76, mentioned last, because she says she needs no help)

I have a very nice therapist, who has known me for 18 years (consulted her three times, each time for about two years). It took until now that we noticed I had symptoms of BPD, but also my mum. I have lived a life with (mainly) permanent anxiety and never knew exactly why. I always had problems with my mum (my dad sticks to her), but I could never exactly explain what kind of problem and I could never speak to anybody, because I didn´t know what to say. Apart from that I am leading a rather normal life with husband, children and job – looked at from outside.

I have got a long therapy-break at the moment and my therapist has not much experience with BPD. She admitted I had symptoms, but it was me who found out (on a BPD-board, both for BPD-sufferers and people in relationship) THAT IS IT. I also found out (rather severely) what BPD-behaviour does to close relationships, so I´m not looking for pity.

I also consulted a psychiatrist to find out some more or perhaps get my diagnosis, but  he just said: Trust your therapist. I do, but I feel I have to do SOMETHING while I am waiting for the answer of my health insurance because of taking over the costs – then her holidays and my holidays, etc …

I don´t know if I will find the answer here, it´s just a try. But I would so much like to find out what is going on between my mum and me as well as my daughter and me. And I really do want to face the truth and hope to find out how to be a better mum.

[Angi]

I didn´t find much about the relationship between BPD-mothers and  their children on my board in Germany (where I come from), so now I´m here, trying to find out, what I can do to help my daughter (16, eating disorder, depression), myself (signs of BPD) and my mum (uBPD, 76, mentioned last, because she says she needs no help)

I have a very nice therapist, who has known me for 18 years (consulted her three times, each time for about two years). It took until now that we noticed I had symptoms of BPD, but also my mum. I have lived a life with (mainly) permanent anxiety and never knew exactly why. I always had problems with my mum (my dad sticks to her), but I could never exactly explain what kind of problem and I could never speak to anybody, because I didn´t know what to say. Apart from that I am leading a rather normal life with husband, children and job – looked at from outside.

I have got a long therapy-break at the moment and my therapist has not much experience with BPD. She admitted I had symptoms, but it was me who found out (on a BPD-board, both for BPD-sufferers and people in relationship) THAT IS IT. I also found out (rather severely) what BPD-behaviour does to close relationships, so I´m not looking for pity.

I also consulted a psychiatrist to find out some more or perhaps get my diagnosis, but  he just said: Trust your therapist. I do, but I feel I have to do SOMETHING while I am waiting for the answer of my health insurance because of taking over the costs – then her holidays and my holidays, etc …

I don´t know if I will find the answer here, it´s just a try. But I would so much like to find out what is going on between my mum and me as well as my daughter and me. And I really do want to face the truth and hope to find out how to be a better mum.

[blubee]

hi Angi   It's so nice to meet you

I am also new to this forum and am learning so much.  I also have a uBPD mother. And this is the first time I am seeking out answers/help regarding her illness and our relationship.  My oldest son is also borderline and is attending DBT treatment.  I can't say enough about it.  It is helping him immensely.   I know how common it is for the behavior to trickle down from parent to child.  In one form or another.  There are a lot of people on here with very good advice and experience. 

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Angi, and 

It is commendable that you are taking steps to improve your relationships and gain understanding. A lot of us here with BPD parents also have had some BPD traits at one time or another. It is something we can confront and work through, just as we work through all of the other problem areas in our lives. We use the Survivor's Guide over in the right hand margin to help us see how we are progressing through the healing process. I'm glad to hear you already have support from a therapist. That can be really instrumental.

We do have quite a lot of information here about the effects of having a parent with BPD. One that might have some of the answers you are looking for is Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children. There is also a feature thread on a related topic, Healing - Shame in Adulthood and How We Move Forward as Children of pwBPD.

What is your relationship with your mother like currently?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Angi]

Thank you for your welcome and thanks for all the information, I am really glad to be able to be here 

I read the “characteristics of adults shamed in childhood” in the thread you mentioned and I found myself in every one of them.

But now I am gradually changing. It took me 49 years to find out where my problems come from. First time I got aware of something like BPD was in my therapy in September 2013. Right from the beginning I suspected my mum having a BPD and perhaps also my sister, who had committed suicide twelve years before (with depressions as diagnosis) I always suspected that my sister`s suicide had something to do with my mum. She had started to fight against our mother, after having been a “good girl” all her life until then. That was the most terrible time of my life, although I always had the feeling something had already died in us before.

I read a lot about borderline, mainly about relationships between men and women and also about the damage BPDs do to the people who love them. But it wasn´t until somebody gave me the link to Christine Ann Lawson`s book (can´t mention it often enough), that I realized what had made me to what I am.

My relationship to my mother hasn´t changed. It is still as it always was: I say: “There are problems in our family” and she says: “No, I don´t see where we should have any problems”. So I have always tried to avoid closer contact, and still today I try to keep the distance.

The thing that is slowly changing is my attitude. Since a few weeks ago I have stopped keeping secrets. I started to tell everybody (relatives, friends) about the problems I am coping with and I am trying to explain what I had gone through in my childhood. That is something I was incapable of talking about before. At the same time I have started to believe myself, suddenly realizing that I (as well as my brother, but mostly my sister) did actually have a reason to suffer - and nobody ever noticed.

P.S. Hope my English is understandable. I lived in England for a few years as a child, but unluckily I forgot so much – sometimes a little sentence takes a long time 

[littlebirdcline]

First, your English is fantastic!

Second, I can relate to finally talking about it and not denying it anymore.  I still have moments when it feels surreal and I think I have made too big a deal out of all this, but then I look logically at my history and her present behavior, and I realize this is something to take seriously.  Something that needs to be dealt with, no matter how painful. 

And like you, I am most concerned about my son.  I don't want to pass on this dysfunction to him, and I want to help him learn how to handle his emotions properly and healthily.

Good luck in your journey- you are definitely not alone.

[Angi]

Yes, that´s what my main problem is - trying not to pass things on to my children. I can avoid contact to my mum (as long as she´s healthy, she is 76), but I can´t avoid my children (or they me). So I have no choice but to try and understand what is going on. I read a lot about things like “projecting”, etc. Only they are two different things: understanding what is happening (or rather what I am doing) and transferring it into my own life and changing behaviour in those special situations.

I have - at last - got connections to a support-group near where I live and they gave me addresses of therapists who are specialized on BPD and are able to make diagnosis´. They said: “Everybody could come after a bit of research and say I´m a BPD sufferer”, so I hope to find out soon whether or not. I know it wouldn´t be anything to be proud of, but somehow it would be a relief and an opportunity to know where to start working on.

My mum is not somebody who, for example, had outbreaks of violence, shouting, etc. It´s more subtile: As her child I remember noticing how difficult it was for her to cope with her emotions and bad temper. Those are even features I sometimes find likeable (same with my 14 year old daughter now  ) The only thing I can´t live with is her way of looking for the faults in other people: “I am right”, “other people are wrong”, “you have no reason to feel bad, angry, etc”, “I´m the only one who is suffering”, “You are always looking for dispute”, “I am the most peaceful person” … 

I don´t want to be like that. I know, a lot of people say it isn´t possible to cure BPD. But for the sake of my children (and generations to follow): I don´t want to believe it until I have tried. And a little progress would be better than nothing  .

Angi

I would like to read and understand more, before I start answering in other threads – I read yours, littlebirdcline

[happyfingers]

Christine Ann Lawson`s book was a lifesaver for me.  It was the first time I was really able to put together the pieces of what was going on with my uBPD mother. 

Next to that is this website.  I looked here for ages before I recently got the nerve to post.  It is so helpful to know that there are other people -- all over the world, even -- are going through the same dysfunction with their mothers that I used to naively assume was my own unique problem. 

And, like you, at the top of my list of worries is my daughter and her well being, not just because I want to protect her from the dark side of her grandma, but also because I worry about having or developing some of grandma's BPD traits.

Since a few weeks ago I have stopped keeping secrets. I started to tell everybody (relatives, friends) about the problems I am coping with and I am trying to explain what I had gone through in my childhood. That is something I was incapable of talking about before.

I moved 1700 miles away and cut off contact with my parents and what little extended family I had, and the best thing about that is I no longer have to keep all the family secrets.  Isn't it liberating?  I wish I had your courage to just talk about it to begin with.

[littlebirdcline]

What you said about her saying "you have no reason to feel that way" really rang true for me.  I used to get so frustrated as a child- and still do- when she would tell me what I felt was wrong, or tell me she knew what I was feeling and that I was lying.  Ugh.  So frustrating!