50 reasons never to return,,, BUT?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I sat down the other day with a notebook and started recalling all the times in the past year we were together,, how many melt-downs she has had... .  How many times she has treated me like ___ for absolutely no reason... .

I cam up with 50 !       That is just in one year... .  One a week you could say... .  these are Major majors... .  Not just the day to day crap in between...

That is 50 reasons never ever to return... .So logical... .

And that is the crazy crazy part of this whole thing... .I still crave to see her,  I still wake in the night longing for her... . 

She still goes around and around in my head,, even after we have been apart for just over 5 months. 

50 really good reasons... !  Every one a serious encounter... .

Yet every day I struggle not to go around and see her... . 

It defies belief... .

[kiwimitch]

I sat down the other day with a notebook and started recalling all the times in the past year we were together,, how many melt-downs she has had... .  How many times she has treated me like ___ for absolutely no reason... .

I cam up with 50 !       That is just in one year... .  One a week you could say... .  these are Major majors... .  Not just the day to day crap in between...

That is 50 reasons never ever to return... .So logical... .

And that is the crazy crazy part of this whole thing... .I still crave to see her,  I still wake in the night longing for her... . 

She still goes around and around in my head,, even after we have been apart for just over 5 months. 

50 really good reasons... !  Every one a serious encounter... .

Yet every day I struggle not to go around and see her... . 

It defies belief... .

[RJC83]

Hi,

You seem very determined. It can be really hard to understand sometimes. You could be just missing the old days. Have you met anyone else?

[Ventus2ct]

Kimiwhitch, I feel the same today also, since lunchtime, I had lunch with a very good friend and explained all that had happened to him in some detail, he was flabbergasted, floored, even more so when I said I couldn't 100% rule out that if she wanted to get back with me, I'd possibly have her.

I actually said that, I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do but that was how I felt at that moment in time, I relapsed back into the murky world that is post BPD.

Yes, I have been thinking a little about her all afternoon and this evening, but, I haven't reached out or contacted her because I just don't need to do I?

It would achieve nothing and more likely result in rejection yet again, verbal abuse and to be honest do I need it? Does anyone need it?

No, we are better than that, we deserve so much more! They say "When the party's over, it's time to leave!" Our happiness lies in the future, not the past.

Stay strong!

[I Am]

hang in there Kiwimitch.  It is not worth the going through the pain again.  I have had the worst day yet staying NC.  I was working on my computer and hit some photos i had forgotten.  it crushed me.  I have not been able to shake this wanting her back feeling all day.  No matter how bad she treated me and the horrible things she did.  I am going to go to sleep shortly just to end the day.  Tomorrow will be better.  Be strong and keep your chin up!

[myself]

Every day, there are other reasons to add to the list. Positive reasons. "Today I believed in myself." "Today I wasn't abused." "Today I chose reality instead of illusion." Soon it's 500+ and counting.

[bruised]

That is 50 reasons never ever to return... .So logical... .

And that is the crazy crazy part of this whole thing... .I still crave to see her,  I still wake in the night longing for her... . 

Keep reading your list bro and those cravings will go away eventually!

[love2give]

That's what is so amazing about this site.  By reading posts like the one you just wrote, it makes us realize these odd feelings of wanting them back are common to most of us.

When my family asks how I am feeling after 6 months since the break up I say the same thing,  I will never contact her again as she has ignored me for way to long and I deserve better but if she were to call me I am afraid I will still give her a chance, a chance she does not deserve.  Every day I work at getting to the point where if she calls, I can say "Thanks but no thanks".

That day will come or so I hope.

You are not alone.

[Infared]

What is it about us the we find ourselves in this tortured state over someone who has repeatedly treated us with such horrendous behavior.

I will skip the list of 50 (mine is more like 200! LOL!)... .and because of all of the above I have instigated absolutely NC for years now... .but I think of her every day.  This is an extremely rare occurrence, but she "staged" an accidental run-in in the grocery store parking lot and my reaction as soon as I saw her  5 feet in front of me was to turn my head, speed up to my car and get out of Dodge as quickly as possible.  Her behind me sighing and acting out victim (she ain't no victim, no way, no how). 

Why was that the hardest thing I ever had to do.?  Why do I have trouble protecting myself from more harm? Why do I still feel like I miss her?    It's soo twisted.

I do not understand it... .but it sure is painful.

[I Am]

Why was that the hardest thing I ever had to do.?  Why do I have trouble protecting myself from more harm? Why do I still feel like I miss her?    It's soo twisted.

I do not understand it... .but it sure is painful.

Thanks Infrared for sharing.   I am struggling not to contact -  I keep checking my phone to see if i have blocked messages... .

and this helped me.