How to take responsibility through such thorough devastation?

[Blimblam]

The thoroughness of my losses is starting to hit me.  I lost my mind when it snapped after realizing my exs betrayal and the only thing I could do to keep going was to keep hope.  But my hope had been so thoroughly enmeshed with my ex that I kept hope for the fantasy of me am her to be able to continue functioning.  When faced with the reality that it would never work and deciding to let go I was once again consumed by the anxiety the ptsd that I was unable to function even on the most basic of levels without being triggered.  I eventually stopped fighting it and surrendered to it but durring this process I was unable to even really move much.  I couldn't work and lost almost all of my business and investment and ability to make a living.  I failed.  The nagging issue in my mind of always having a choice is haunting me because when I think back I was so broken that the only choices I remember was surrender to the feeling or fight it and I fought my best but fighting it only made it worst.  If I continued fighting I would have killed myself to make it go away.  I struggle with my inner critic about feeling ashamed for my loss and not blaming others but what choice was I left with in that state?  Even writing this is so difficult.  

When talking about this with my friend he gets upset with me for being a victim telling me I never take responsibility blaming my ex or the anxiety for my failure.  Processing this failure and taking responsibility while not being overly critical or making up excuses for myself is extremely confusing.  Everything is blurry.  

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man,

Your friend may be well-meaning, but really nobody knows what its like being with a person with BPD except other people who have.  That said, even my T reminds me that I tend to want to blame everything on her.  I could have "stopped" it, in a way, by leaving her a long time ago, by no longer playing along.  Of course, I don't blame myself for the reasons I did -I loved her, I wanted things to work.  But I do blame her for the things she did... .like the gaslighting and blaming and brainwashing to where I thought it was all my fault.  The "hope" stayed alive because I thought I was the one getting in the way of that hope, not her.  So, I kept thinking that I just needed to be better (like she said) and then everything would be okay.  That's a lie.  A lie I believed. She sold it and practically fed it to me, and she made sure she destroyed any sense of self-esteem that would rise up against that lie.  But I still believed it.  That doesn't mean I need to "blame" myself, ie. condemn myself.  It just means that I can recognize where I went wrong so that I don't fall into those traps in the future.

There is no point in beating yourself up about anything.  But you can look at things and say, "Ok, I shouldn't have done that."  Your inner critic needs no place in these deliberations.  What you need is grace and truth, not condemnation.  Condemnation never made a single person change.  So, look at things truthfully and honestly, but give yourself a break... .and especially give yourself a break when it comes to the fact that *you will not figure it all out and perfectly delineate whose blame goes where*.  Be content to live in the grey areas and know what you know and leave the rest be.  I suspect you want to tie this all up with a neat bow, knowing exactly who is to blame for what.  But it doesn't work that way.  Your clarity will not be perfect and will only grow with time.  You can only know what you know and see what you see.  Listen to your perceptions. 

I suspect your confusion is coming from listening to too many voices.  I bet it just pisses you off, deep down, to hear your friend that say, yet part of you feels like you *ought* to agree with him.  At the end of the day, you have to know what you know and what God reveals.  That's it.  People can offer perspective, but they really don't know what it's been like in your shoes.

[myself]

OutofEgypt said it pretty well, I agree with all of that. Will add that when we feel our lives are heading in a certain direction, but then our momentum comes to a sudden stop, it can be very overwhelming. Painful. Disorienting. Like the road ended and we just dropped off into nothingness. When we've been so betrayed, it feels worse, because it's as if they pushed us over an edge we didn't even know was there. That's not failing, it's falling. It usually takes a while to see, even though we knew this all along, that what matters most is that we're OK with ourselves. Clean and look into your own mirror. Respect yourself. That's how we find balance, peace, and understanding. We don't have to process this all at once. It's blurry because you're still wiping the sleep from your eyes, waking up now. Good Morning! Acceptance is key here. Well worth the struggle.

[whirlpoollife]

Good replies I need for my self too.

OutofEgypt as you described your xw , you described myx2bh .  And unless you lived it, very few understand it.

Blimbam , our spouses messed us up, but we are survivors .  Prior to waking up and realizing that it's not me, I held in all my emotions and had little to no conversations with anyone but h. Then as I got knowledge of pd, my only talk was of h. I needed to get it out.   The whole process of leaving the marriage was traumatic.  I was a victim. Now I work on not talking about h at all in conversations. Not even when he's being a jerk to me. I will talk about anything else,  ask questions to whoever I'm talking to to divert my talk going to talk of h. By doing that it gives me strength.  I'm letting myself take control of me instead of h controlling me. Hope my rambling thoughts help some