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Author Topic: Update: He won't let me go  (Read 2691 times)
razemarie
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« on: July 17, 2014, 11:10:57 PM »

Back story here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226294.0

It finally happened.  I made some changes to my cell phone and had his incoming calls go straight to voicemail and his texts sent to my email.  He figured it out.  While talking to my son, he must have told him to go get mommy because suddenly my son thrust the phone at me.  I answered and he asked if I was blocking his texts.  I explained my boundaries and said that we need to keep the discussion limited to our son and communicate via email.  He got extremely agitated and I had to end the call.  Then later on tonight I got two lengthy emails from him.  It was a suicide note.  I responded one time that I was contacting the local police to check on him.  I got no response.  I even tried calling his phone... .went straight to voicemail.  So I called the cops.  They are on their way to his house right now and I am really shaken.  
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razemarie
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« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2014, 11:14:50 PM »

I just got off the phone with the police.  I was scared to answer when they called.  My ex is ok.  He was sleeping and claimed he had no idea why I had called them.  He denied texting and emailing me at first, but the cop said after they pressed him on the issue he admitted to texting a lot because we were having some problems and he was trying to work things out.  I explained as much as I could about his past suicide threats, excessive daily texts and emails and using our son to try and see me.  I am supposed to call them if anything further happens.  I am scared at how he is going to retaliate against me.
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« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2014, 11:55:12 PM »

He was sleeping and claimed he had no idea why I had called them.  He denied texting and emailing me at first, but the cop said after they pressed him on the issue he admitted to texting a lot because we were having some problems and he was trying to work things out.

It sounds like he dissociated the event. He has problems not we have problems but it's not details cops are concerned about.

This is emotionally scary stuff    razemarie and it naturally triggers us into panic mode. I'm glad to hear that your OK and he's OK and you did the right thing by calling the police and letting professionals take care of it. That's good and keep doing it Here's a link with usefule information in regards to Suicide Attempts.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Did you tell the cops that you are scared about him retaliating you?

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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2014, 12:40:27 AM »

I just got off the phone with the police.  I was scared to answer when they called.  My ex is ok.  He was sleeping and claimed he had no idea why I had called them.  He denied texting and emailing me at first, but the cop said after they pressed him on the issue he admitted to texting a lot because we were having some problems and he was trying to work things out.  I explained as much as I could about his past suicide threats, excessive daily texts and emails and using our son to try and see me.  I am supposed to call them if anything further happens.  I am scared at how he is going to retaliate against me.

Hello razmarie,

No one deserves what you are going through. You'be been doing a great job so far protecting yourself, and your son. I agree with the fact that this looks like a major extiction burst, a huge monster of what is basically a tantrum. By an adult with BPD, it's so much more.

Are you and your son physically safe? How do you think he could retaliate? How is your son dong?

At least calling the cops, you have a record, and that is good.

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razemarie
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2014, 07:39:49 AM »

Last night about 20 minutes after I got an update from the police I received another email from him.  He said that after they left his parents told him they are kicking him out of their house (that is where he has been staying).  He was extremely angry and obviously blaming me for everything.  He can not see that his own actions are what caused this.  I feel bad.  But I made it very clear to him for months that if I got another suicide threat I would contact the police.  He just didn't believe me.  I am not sure how he will retaliate.  That's what concerns me.  I think we are physically safe, at least I pray we are.  I did share my concerns with the police and I am to call them immediately if anything further happens.
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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2014, 08:17:28 AM »

Hi razemarie. I am so sorry you having to deal with this stuff  . I understand how lonely it feels as I was having it for months. However on a positive my exuBPD boyfriend seemed to have a burst 3 wks ago and all has changed. I am not sure if he has a replacement though so that could be why. Either way its calm.

I think you are doing so well and the priority and focus must be you and your child. No one should ever judge you for that. Its tough to hear / deal with pwBPD and I have been working very hard in reminding myself that I am not a professional nor am I equipped to be an on call crisis line worker for him. Those services are right there in front of him and am sure can do a better job than me or he tells them something very different.

I have also had the "being thrown out of his house thing" which was in part true but not my problem. His problem is from his behaviour sadly. Not my responsibility, guilt was my weak spot.

Amazing isn't that he was asleep when the police arrived. I don't know how its possible. Many a time my ex was sleeping soundly whilst I was frantic with worry. Goes to show unattached his was to my pain.

Take care razemarie and the support is here.
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« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2014, 08:18:07 AM »

He's going through an extinction burst and it's because you're not re-enforcing the behaviors and actions that he is used to. You are doing the right things step by step. This is the apex of the extinction burst. He won't take accountability for his behaviors and feelings and needs to project and attribute it to someone else in this case you. Your heart hasn't caught up to your head yet and the situation he has created is due to his behavior, there's no need to rescue him. FOG is strong and it takes time to detach and see the FOG for what it is, emotional blackmail.

Have all of your ducks in a row, safety is the up most importance for you and your son. You're an intelligent and consciousensess woman, you know what's right. The great Winston Churchill once said "If you're going through hell keep going" This is a big extinction burst, you likely feel a hangover from it. Hang in there. It's going to get better.
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« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2014, 08:22:26 AM »

Better that you know what's going on.  Does he have unsupervised time with your son?  Hang in there.  It's too bad his parents are kicking him out - do they know he is suicidal?  (If someone makes that threat, they should take it seriously.)  My exH lives with his parents too and doesn't want to let go of me either, but so far he hasn't made threats.
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razemarie
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« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2014, 07:06:24 PM »

Yes, his parents know.  I have gone to them in the past and they were there when the police came last night. I think they are just tired of the never ending drama.  But who knows what really happened.  He may just be saying that to try and get more attention. He is unbelievable.  Today he sent an email saying that he wants to take our son to a carnival tomorrow and to have him ready by 11 am.  No mention of anything that happened.  Like everything is normal.  I have let him know that our son is not going anywhere with him right now.  He currently has him every other weekend.  If he continues to stay at his parents I am ok with him seeing our son for the time being because I know they are extremely involved and help watch him.  But if he is truly kicked out, then I obviously have some pressing concerns with his current state of mind.
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« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2014, 09:56:29 PM »

Similar situation to mine.  My exH acts the same way.  Also takes our kids to his parents' house.

If he really did get better, I'd take him back.  It's not realistic.

My exH used to claim his parents were kicking him out too.  I don't think they'd do it though.  He said it a year ago and he still lives there.

Trust your instincts.  Judges take suicide threats seriously and don't want kids around that. 
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razemarie
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« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2014, 08:13:57 AM »

He continues to email asking for a reason I won't let our son go today.  How can a person be in such complete denial about what happened the other night? 
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« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2014, 04:57:39 PM »

That's not surprising.  Just hard for you to deal with.  People in the child custody field usually don't want to take kids away from their parents, but suicide threats/attempts are something they take seriously, so if you need the law on your side, you'd probably have it.  You just have to ignore the messages - he is trying to engage you (as usual).
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« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2014, 05:28:21 PM »

Excerpt
Wikipedia:

Dissociation is a psychological state or condition in which certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, or memories are separated from the rest of the psyche. For this reason, it is sometimes referred to as "splitting."

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0

That denial of what passed is dissociation razemarie. As momtara said he's trying to validate an attachment. It takes time to depersonalize the behavior but it's difficult in the meantime. Ignore the emails. 
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razemarie
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« Reply #13 on: July 19, 2014, 10:22:32 PM »

Thanks for the support.  I spent the day away from the house and computer.  I have not responded to anything further and will continue to ignore the emails. 
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« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2014, 03:29:09 PM »

It is always hard to figure out if they're delusional or intentionally manipulative.   Sometimes they block things out or create a false memory.  It doesn't mean they're trying to be cruel or obtuse.  They have so much to lose and don't think logically about the right way to get it back.  All they have to do is be good people and good spouses and good fathers, but they are too sick to know how.  It's a real shame, because there is a reason we married them and that good person is buried deep inside.
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razemarie
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« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2014, 09:17:46 AM »

Update:  A week ago I took a really big step and signed a lease on a little house for me and my son.  We start moving in tomorrow.  I know this is a good move for us and that I should be happy but I can't seem to drum up any excitement.  I am hoping that once I start moving things in and get settled I will be able to relax and enjoy the moment a little.  I think a big part of my concern is how my ex will react when he finds out I am moving ... .without him.  I sent him an email yesterday letting him know and he has not responded.  I had planned to tell him last weekend, but he started crying when he dropped off our son and begged me for another chance over and over again until I had to go in the house and shut the door on him.  I'm worried that I will get another suicide threat or a possible attempt this time.  He will view this as yet another form of abandonment and another step I am taking further away from him.  I wish I could be happy.  But I feel guilty and sick to my stomach, like I am doing something wrong.  Are these feelings normal? 
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« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2014, 10:18:39 AM »

Update:  A week ago I took a really big step and signed a lease on a little house for me and my son.  We start moving in tomorrow.  I know this is a good move for us and that I should be happy but I can't seem to drum up any excitement.  I am hoping that once I start moving things in and get settled I will be able to relax and enjoy the moment a little.  I think a big part of my concern is how my ex will react when he finds out I am moving ... .without him.  I sent him an email yesterday letting him know and he has not responded.  I had planned to tell him last weekend, but he started crying when he dropped off our son and begged me for another chance over and over again until I had to go in the house and shut the door on him.  I'm worried that I will get another suicide threat or a possible attempt this time.  He will view this as yet another form of abandonment and another step I am taking further away from him.  I wish I could be happy.  But I feel guilty and sick to my stomach, like I am doing something wrong.  Are these feelings normal?  

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. You're doing good razemarie. You're putting his feelings before your own. There's still an attachment there - you have a long history together. His crying adds on top of the difficult step that you made. Pat yourself on the back and find something to reward yourself with. You earned it. Detaching is a process. If you look at the sidebar to the right it says "Attachment leads to Suffering. Detachment leads to Freedom" Write it down and carry it with you. The guilty feeling is part of the suffering from attachment - normal feelings in this type of r/s for now.  If he threatens with suicide call emergency services.

Although you may feel horrible razemarie, bravo to you - you have come a long way in a short period of time  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) It gets better.
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« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2014, 10:20:41 AM »

I felt the same way about moving.  I told my exH about it during a parent coordination session so I'd be a bit buffered from his reaction. He seemed fine with it, although I'm not sure.  I framed it as a financial decision and didn't act excited about it, so maybe that's why he wasn't as triggered.  He still came by the new place and had some of his mail sent there.  I let him do it (maybe a bad idea).  This is a new step and it is triggering, but maybe it won't be as bad as you think.  

I was a lot happier after I moved.  The old place was too big, harder to clean, more expensive, and had bad memories.  I started having a lot of second thoughts about moving (posted them here too) but it was a good decision in the end.  Packing up and moving (especially alone) is very hard, so that probably adds to your depression.

I am still not completely happy.  I feel bad for my ex.  Sometimes I remember the good things and I miss him.  Most exes here seem to move on quickly, but mine has not.  So I understand your situation.  :)o you think you'd ever give him a 2nd chance, or are you 100 percent done?  if my ex REALLY changed - which would probably take some magical medicine and lots of therapy - I might take him back, but it's too risky right now and not easy to imagine it could happen.

Good luck with the move.  Hopefully you can get friends or family to help.  I did mine pretty much alone and it wasn't easy.
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razemarie
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« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2014, 02:20:19 PM »

Thanks for the support.  In answer to your question about whether or not I would give him a second chance... .the answer is no.  I have given 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances in the past and each time things only got worse.  The psychological and emotional abuse/manipulation is more than I can handle.  Now that I have detached from him and have had a chance to really look at things and remember things I had tried to block out, I could never go back.  I took him back before I learned about BPD and the amount of therapy it would take to see any improvement.  I kept thinking that something I could do would help, but nothing did.  For me, thinking that there is a chance he will change and we could have normal relationship is not healthy for me.  It's not realistic.  I do not want to be in a relationship where I have to lead and take charge in all areas because the other person is too unstable and emotionally unhealthy to do so.  He crushed my soul and spirit.  I still care for him and always will.  But I am no longer in love with him.  Too much has happened for me to take him back.  Mutt has helped teach me to care from a distance.  I am a very caring person and tried for eight years.  But I lost myself in the process.  I am not willing to ever lose myself again. 
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razemarie
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« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2014, 02:21:18 PM »

I wish I knew how to put my feelings first.  I try and some days it's easier than others.  But when it comes to big things that I know will make him suicidal it's hard to not care. 
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razemarie
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« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2014, 02:29:36 PM »

He just emailed me a response.  He first said, "I'm happy for you.  It must feel good."  Then the second email he said that he can't believe this is happening to him, that he lost me and will never forgive himself.  In the grand scheme of things, this wasn't as bad as I had imagined.  At least now he knows.  That's a big weight off of my shoulders.  I am sure as the day and weekend progresses I will get more emails from him.  I think I will hold off until next week to read them though.  Time to focus on me and my son right now.
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« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2014, 02:40:18 PM »

I have my son this weekend, but am taking tomorrow off of work to move some things while he is at daycare.  I am sure we will take a few loads to the new place over the weekend as well, but it will be tough on my own while I am watching him.  The following weekend my son goes to his dad's house and I have my dad and stepdad coming to help with trucks and trailers.  So the majority of things will be moved next weekend.  This kind of helps me and my son ease into things.  It will be a big change for both of us.
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« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2014, 03:21:35 PM »

I agree with momtara moving is not fun and it's especially difficult when you have kids. Your son is a toddler and needs a lot of attention. Then there's the tantrums 

I like your idea of ignoring his emails until next week while you are moving. It's still stressful to have to worry about dropping your son off at daycare and having a set amount of time until you have to get him. Your ex is sending mixed messages. He's being supportive then he sending another message and making you feel guilt - all in the same breath. You feel like your 'walking on eggshells" Thankfully for you dad will watch him while you get the bulk of the moving done. It will be good to spend time with people that are close to you while moving - family. That will help a little with the transition.
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« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2014, 03:33:10 PM »

Oh yes, plenty of tantrums!  Three is a tough age.  I am very lucky to have a supportive family.  They have been a big help to me. 
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« Reply #24 on: August 01, 2014, 09:45:02 AM »

"Three is a tough age."  Are we talking about the son, or the dad, now?   

Your hubby is like mine.  Do you think he'll date and move on?  I was watching the movie "Her" and the guy is getting divorced and I started feeling bad about my ex again, then got an annoying email from him and realized again that I'm proobably doing the right thing.  I'm sure this will happen a lot more.

While you can't be responsible for whether your ex is suicidal, I hope his family or someone (shrink) is keeping tabs on him.  You shouldn't have to be the only one worried.

I did a lot of my moving when my kids were in day care too.  Some people have tons o' friends and tons o' money and tons o' support.  I don't, but I was able to do it - glad to see you are strong and doing it too!  What do you like about the new place?

Hopefully your ex will calm down from this latest trigger.  I know what you mean about having it off your shoulders.  Even telling my ex that I wanted to take a trip with the kids was scary for me.  I try not to give him everything in one lump.
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« Reply #25 on: August 11, 2014, 12:59:41 PM »

I wish I knew how to put my feelings first.  I try and some days it's easier than others.  But when it comes to big things that I know will make him suicidal it's hard to not care.  

You can't "make him suicidal." Only he can do that. If he's feeling suicidal over this, then he needs to take action... .on his own. This isn't your problem.

Remember that, and before long you'll believe it. If you need to feel like you've done something to help him, then let his family or friends know, and take yourself out of the equation. Or, if you think there's some kind of imminent threat, call the police - if they think he's a threat to himself, they'll take him to the hospital and he'll get help. Either way, you're not the responsible party.

You've come a long way!
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« Reply #26 on: August 12, 2014, 12:40:45 PM »

Thank you for the encouragement everyone.  I have been very busy the past few weeks moving into (and fixing up) our new place.  Not an easy feat on your own with a toddler!  But it's been therapeutic at the same time and is starting to feel like home.  My son loves it, so the transition has been pretty smooth.  The good news is that my ex has been surprisingly calm over the move.  He is down to only emailing once every other day now.  I have been finding myself going long stretches of time (sometimes a full day) without really thinking of him. I finally feel like I am putting ME first and it feels good.  Tonight I am cutting off my long hair.  It's time for a fresh start in all areas and I think I am ready.
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« Reply #27 on: August 12, 2014, 03:22:54 PM »

Excerpt
The good news is that my ex has been surprisingly calm over the move.  He is down to only emailing once every other day now.  I have been finding myself going long stretches of time (sometimes a full day) without really thinking of him.

razemarie that's so good to hear! Kudos and give yourself a pat on the back. You got through his extinction burst. You stuck to your boundaries and he's starting to get the picture. He'll test from time to time and the stretches of not thinking about him will get longer. High five!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You did it!

Excerpt
Tonight I am cutting off my long hair.  It's time for a fresh start in all areas and I think I am ready.

Change is good  

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« Reply #28 on: August 12, 2014, 03:54:35 PM »

Change is good!  Thanks!
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