From the time I moved in to the last move out, 9 months.
It was me who moved out each time, five times in total.
The first time, she was screaming at me that she hated me and to leave.
Then she told me she never said that, and love-bombed me and I fell for it.
Each recycle was worse and worse, the longest period of time we got along was about two weeks.
At first, I would forgive her and begin to feel safe and relaxed and excited about being alive and doing things, and something would happen out of the blue where she'd be screaming at me about something or somebody, accusing me of sleeping with so and so or wanting to f* somebody else.
Along with the accusations of cheating were the accusations of being a liar, hiding things, being manipulative, and more.
In my whole life, I have never cheated. And with all integrity, I was beginning to hide from her because I was terrified she'd make another accusations and another meaningless fight would ensue. I was manipulating my life to appear appropriate so she'd stop screaming at me. No matter what I did, I would lose.
During the last month our fights got worse. She said I wasn't a man. Said I was broken. Said I was using her. There was a lot that I no longer remember, unless somebody starts talking in a similar way then I get triggered (example, new age speech about projection and mirroring and being unconditional and all positive ... . )
Honestly, the trauma of it all has left me not remembering most of it. Perhaps I need to write it down to remind myself, in case I ever feel lonely and reconsider.
The final straw was when she was screaming that I was abusing her, while clawing and punching at her own face.
I did the stealth move ... .out of the town, out of the state, and to my parents home four hours away.
To this day, she insists she never did or said those things.
None of it.
She says I made it up to humiliate her and make her my enemy.
Talk about crazy-making behavior. It did a number on my self-esteem. I was questioning myself, reality, my memory, what I was seeing and feeling ... .I began to believe her that I was broken.
I feel broken.
She wants to be friends with me, work with me on projects. I don't want to give her any way in.
After all her accusations, I can't. I found a picture of her with a guy.
She refuses to admit to her accusations and perception she held about me, women, and dating ... .and cannot see how she has a double standard. He is just a friend. Riiiight ... .a "friend." According to her definitions of "friend" they are bumpin' uglies.
She used to threaten me with going out and doing whatever she wanted ... .because according to her that is what I did. I did whatever I wanted and never listened to her.
So, she IS doing this stuff ; there is visual proof ... .and she still denies it.
She claims that I have been dating and seeing people since I moved out.
I have not. I've focused on healing, self-nurturing ... .and helping out my mother who has had a stroke.
I'm terrified of getting involved in such a toxic relationship again, and avoid women in general.
Things with her reached a point that I was having severe chest pains.
When I mentioned this to her she put me down and would talk about how her brother was a hypochondriac who got all the attention because he faked being sick.
If I am going to kill myself, I'd rather it be short and sweet and not a living hell. Living with her in this state was, as my father put it, suicide by relationship.
So ... .long story short ... .it took me 4 months to move out the first time (as she screamed at me) and then five more months to make it final. Then it has taken 9 months to reach the point where I am never going back, I am at peace with how things are turning out.
All in all, around two years of my life gone ... .and the rest gained.
It is my opinion that leaving is completed once we are no longer emotionally invested / attached to the individual, and that forgiveness and compassion has begun to set in.
I do not want to give this person ANY power over me, and for me that includes carrying any emotional baggage.
Thank you, emotional freedom and leaving in body AND SPIRIT.
