Ever feel like an idiot...

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf has frequently had contact with other women (ex girlfriends, new women, has had a profile on match.com... .) all while living with me.  Contact usually increases when he has been out drinking, as he was tonight.

He comes home at 11:30pm after 6 hrs of drinking at a local bar, while my d8 (not his) and I are having a sleep out on the pull out couch in family room. So he goes up to bed.  I go to the bathroom and hear him talking at midnight, so I go up and question who he is talking to and he says "no one and won't give me his phone." I get his phone & look at calls and there's no call, to find, not that he didn't delete it before I got to the room.  Anyways he says to me "you fell for it, I tricked you... ." I just told him he was wrong, you don't play "tricks" and grow-up.

Are you f'in kidding me? He thinks by fake (although my guess still real, just deleted) calling someone is a "trick" you should play on someone you claim to have a committed relationship with! And then tries to turn it around as my fault. Again what?

So now as I'm back laying with my d8,  I feel like a big idiot! I am pissed at myself for "knowing better." I should've just ignored him! He got what he wanted... .me falling & playing his stupid game.  This is where/how he has "lost my love"

My plan for tomorrow is I am not going to address what he did.  I can tell you his "trick" is due to the fact that I am having a camp out with my d8 (who is gone to her dad's for a week as of tomorrow) and I am not sleeping in our bed and he is jealous of the attention the little girl is getting.

I also do not plan to be "intimate" either. And will go about my plans for the day. I get this is a mental disorder, but at some point (when you're almost 50), you need to "grow up" and get yourself some help. He knows he has issues and acknowledges it and sometimes addresses it, BUT I'm done!  

I just have to figure out how to detach my feelings & ideas of normalcy more!

[JohnLove]

Hello FigureIt, any kind of intimate communication with the opposite sex is a dodgy area for me. I don't believe it would be acceptable for me in a committed relationship no matter how desirable the person was.

The next paragraph is hardly family or healthy relationship friendly behaviour... .and then let the games begin... .ahh, the games.

I don't know if your SO has always been like this or this is escalating behaviour but it's starting to sound like the FOG is lifting... .

When you love someone there is a strong emotional bond. When that emotional bond is damaged or broken all there is left is the logic part... .and as you have found... .without the love, it just doesn't make any sense. Love does not play games or attempt to cause hurt.

Your plan for tomorrow sounds good. You sound like you have your head on straight and can identify what has triggered the BPD behaviour.

You are well on your way to being whole again... .I wish you and your daughter well.

[refusetosuccumb]

Yes I have.

You are not an idiot.  You are a faithful loving human being in a r/s with someone who isn't capable of having a loving r/s with you.

My ex (16yrs together) moved out, abruptly, last year.  Said he had a roommate.  The roommate was the woman he was having an affair with.  I found out on Facebook, how embarrassing.  When I confronted him on it, he actually said that it was my own fault I didn't know about this and that he left enough "hints" for me and that me being surprised was my own fault.  He also said his affair was my fault because I couldn't forgive him for his drug use.  See how silly this sounds?  But like an idiot, I actually felt bad.  The FOG was heavy for me I guess.

Games are for children.  In a committed r/s, sex and love is the only thing that separates it from friendship.  I refuse to compete for my mate.  I'm too valuable a prize.

[123Phoebe]

Hi FigureIt,

I get that when we're hurting, we might say some things that we don't really mean, or do, but aren't sure how to communicate it or... .

It wasn't too long ago that you were talking about leaving this relationship.  Do you still plan to?

The reason I ask, is because it would seem that if this is something rolling around in the backs of our brains, we're not fully present and committed to the relationship ourselves.  This can manifest in all kinds of ways-- body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, games etc... .

So here are 2 people in a relationship that aren't fully present, hurting because the other partner isn't making them feel wanted.

Where would you ultimately like to see your relationship headed?

[FigureIt]

123Phoebe,

I do understand what you're saying and yes I am planning on leaving. I have given him multiple chances to stop the contact with other women and also to let me know about plans for a Friday night or weekend and he REFUSES to get help. Just this past thurs I asked him to let me know if I needed to get a babysitter for Friday, his response was I don't know. At 5pm on Friday he says to get one, come to find out from the other couples wife, going out that night had been planned all week. And the game play or "trick" is childish.

I may be getting things in order but I do not go out partying or picking up others, I don't treat him bad or act cold. I try to incorporate him I my life (weddings, daughters games etc) he either choose not to go as before or gives me a hard time about having to attend a family event, as he always does.

I don't have the drive, energy or want to fulfill his high maintenance. And he doesn't want to treat me respectfully, even though I do.

Yes I've tried or trying, but it's just one thing after another. When I spent the entire day tues with my sis & her kids, then went to my parents, he gave me a hard time. Then I got the cold shoulder. This isn't love! This isn't going to be my life for 40 more years, not unless he seriously make an effort at counseling and I don't see that happening.

[refusetosuccumb]

This was my situation too.  My ex still blames me for his indiscretions.  Hmm let's see, if I was more "spontaneous" or "affectionate" or "spent more time with him" he wouldn't have had to seek attention elsewhere.  That I didn't make him feel like a man.  He was supposed to take care of the kiddos before/after school.  Most of the time he was asleep.  But the kids didn't tell me this until a few months in.  Once they told me, I had to make other arrangements for them as I didn't trust my ex to have their best interest at heart.  Hard to make a man feel like a man when you see him as your third, most difficult child.

My kids and myself are doing really well.  I have learned who my real friends are.  My kids aren't so distracted with every day ___ their dad would pull.  It's calm and relaxing and clean (my ex would make a huge mess and leave it for me to clean.  Damn me for asking him to pull his weight by feeding his kids). 

The kids and I watch a lot of movies in the evenings together.  I actually have spare time.  I can go out without the third degree.  No one accusing me of cheating (laughable, considering what he was doing).

You will be even better once you are away from this.  He will act out and try to guilt you.  I just keep in mind that I gave it my all and it was up to my ex to help himself - he didn't, so I chose to keep myself and the kids healthy.

Good luck!

[123Phoebe]

I had a hard time too with game playing and lack of planning.  I stopped playing his game and started making my own plans.  At first I did it to show him!  It wasn't coming from an authentic place, while being directed at him.  The authentic place was, I need to look out for my own well-being.  Which sounds like what you're coming to terms with

I was married to a guy, we couldn't get the relationship on track.  We divorced.  There were no regrets, I knew the relationship was over, I wanted it to be over.

This guy, I wanted it to work, but not at the expense of my self-respect.  I didn't want to disrespect him either, although I have a few times, apologized etc... .

If you really want to end it, then all the counseling in the world won't help bring you two closer.  There has to be a real desire on our end to improve the relationship and it starts with improving ourselves.

Not making plans is nothing new, right?  We can't expect them to make plans because we want them to... .  The have to want to.  They have to be motivated in wanting things to improve also.  A meeting of the minds and hearts.

I can't remember if you're seeing a counselor?  If so, what do they have to say about all this?

[FigureIt]

I am seeing a counselor, have an appt on wed. I go once a month. She has seen a change in me from being weak and taking it all tying to fix, to hurt and unsure, to more confident and settled. Although she thinks I won't make it a years time living here, but that is what I have to do financially and for my daughter. I have a great house for her and I now, and he refuses to move out, even if I did buy him out of the house.  We have a pool and dogs, he even claims he should keep one of the dogs, even though he doesn't pay for or take care of them.

Counseling helps, so does being off for the summer and he has to work. I've been working out at a fitness center a couple times a week in the AM. Today he asked at lunch, where I had to go this morning. I said "went to work out." He had this confused look on his face. I need to let hose things stop bothering me. Just accept that I will never get a normal response and/or support.

[123Phoebe]

I am seeing a counselor, have an appt on wed. I go once a month. She has seen a change in me from being weak and taking it all tying to fix, to hurt and unsure, to more confident and settled. Although she thinks I won't make it a years time living here, but that is what I have to do financially and for my daughter.

It's good news that you're more confident and settled

So does this mean that you're looking at this as a roommate situation, essentially?  If that's the case then I guess you can both come and go as you please?  Do you feel comfortable with this arrangement?

[FigureIt]

I don't treat it as a roommate situation. I still show him love, respect, and try to include him in my life. His actions with the other women, and now again having a profile on match.com is what is pushing me away. And his "trick" just really hit a nerve this weekend. He is truly treating me like crap, not someone he claims to love.

Also, if I was to tell him we were over, before I'm ready to move, he would make my life a living hell. I'm in a no win, until I go.

[123Phoebe]

I don't treat it as a roommate situation. I still show him love, respect, and try to include him in my life. His actions with the other women, and now again having a profile on match.com is what is pushing me away. And his "trick" just really hit a nerve this weekend. He is truly treating me like crap, not someone he claims to love.

Also, if I was to tell him we were over, before I'm ready to move, he would make my life a living hell. I'm in a no win, until I go.

I can see how his actions would push you away.  He has a profile on match.com?  I have to be honest, I couldn't live in this situation.  Does he know that you're stuck for a while financially?  There isn't anywhere you could go? 

[FigureIt]

Yes I just found out saturday that he put his profile on match.com.  He did that I while ago and I deleted it without him knowing, now it is back up. He's not paying for a subscription, not that that makes it any better, but he is getting women to send him pics and look at his profile. 

He doesn't really know i'm stuck other then we own this house together and he refuses to leave.  Also, my d8 loves her school and I don't want to completely uproot her too, away from school, our home, etc.  The other thing about moving, is almost everything in this house is mine from my previous house, except for his son's bedroom furniture (which is never used), 5 tvs, and a couch, loveseat & 2 chairs. And like I said when I go, he will be "hell".  He has threatened me in the past he will "destroy me", that doesn't worry me, it's living with the constant nasty once I tell him.

[FigureIt]

123Phoebe,

The end may be coming sooner that I had planned.  Which I'm okay with.  I am ready to move on and be happy.  When he stopped home lunch today I told him I was playing golf with my dad who is 64 years old and  his group, who are men older than my dad.  My uBPDbf got upset with me because "we agreed we wouldn't play golf with the opposite sex!."  I did agree 3yrs. ago when I was trying to "keep him calm" but now if he has a problem with me golfing with a bunch of 60+ & 70+ old men and my partner is my DAD then it's his problem.  I'm not going to cancel on my dad.

During our argument at lunch I confronted him about being on match.com he called me a lying f"in B, so I logged on to the site and showed him.  WOW!  Did he go in to defense mode.  He didn't do that!  He doesn't know any way that was created, it was the company... .blah! Blah! Blah!  Except for the fact the for me to get into his profile it needed a password, which I got on his email when he was out drinking Saturday night.  So he's full of BS, although no admittance.

He then sent me a long text saying he knew nothing I could check his credit cards... .Yet, you needed a password to get into the profile... .

He also claimed that "he's done all this changing, and I've done none and that I'm the problem."

[123Phoebe]

Hi FigureIt,

How are you doing?  Were you able to enjoy golfing with your dad?  I sure hope so.

[FigureIt]

Yes, I did enjoy golfing with my dad and his friends.  My uBPDbf came home about 2hrs after I got home. Asked me nothing about my day. He went to do some laundry and I interrupted cuz he washes darks in warm & I didn't want mine in that.  He then said he was going out, I just asked what time and where, then said ok. He never went out... .whatever (test? Game? Who knows).

Today & tomorrow he has a golf tournament so gone all day. (Still not home... .let at 8:00am, now 12am) Where he is cell service is weak, I got a text from him at 2:40, "Love me?".

Really, so I just responded as expected and his response "I just needed to hear it."  I know I can't do this "high maintenance" all my life. My d8 is less maintenance!

Funny thing he's out "partying"!  While he's doing that I stopped at one of his bars & I wasn't for me.  After dinner with my parents tonight I stopped, bought a bottle of wine and came home b4 10pm and hung with my dogs while watching tv.  I'm good with this/that just wish I would be alone all night... .My guess he'll b bombed when he gets here.  Good thing is he will be gone by 8am.

[Youcantfoolme]

In sorry but am I reading this wrong? Are you sleeping with someone else on a pullout couch while your bf is inside? does d8 = date? If not, please excuse my stupidity! It's been a long week!

[FigureIt]

In sorry but am I reading this wrong? Are you sleeping with someone else on a pullout couch while your bf is inside? does d8 = date? If not, please excuse my stupidity! It's been a long week!

I was having a indoor campout with my daughter who is 8 (d8).  In the summer my daughter has a week with me and a week with her dad.  So on the last night of this past week she wanted to have a campout, but inside.