Need suggestions for reestablishing contact/ setting boundaries

[littlebirdcline]

I have posted my story in several places, so I won't go over it all again.  Cliff's notes:  BPD mom, six weeks ago major blow up, very limited and frustrating contact since then... .

The last six weeks have been full of soul searching, intense therapy sessions, journaling, talking with husband and brother, etc... . I feel that I have reached the point where I'm ready to try and deal with the situation, as it cannot continue this way forever.  Against my husband's wishes, I want to try and reestablish contact and create a different dynamic with my mother.  My mother, when she doesn't feel threatened, is very loving and fun.  But of course, everything makes her feel threatened.  :)on't follow her advice?  It's a total rejection of her as a human being.  :)o something she doesn't approve of?  You're a worthless loser.  So, I feel frustrated because I really miss the fun parts, and I'd like to try to learn to navigate her BPD.  I think deep down she knows something is wrong with her, but swears she will never do anything about it.  So, whatever new dynamic we achieve, I will have to be the one who does it.

The compassion and tolerance I've had for her my entire life disappeared six weeks ago, but it is starting to come back.  I know she is damaged and mentally ill.  So, I want to try and have a relationship without the madness ruling my life.  I mentioned in an earlier post I have narcolepsy, and stress and any emotional excitement make it worse and cause incapacitation.  

I'm not sure how to approach her- I wrote her a very honest letter (without using the word BPD) and that got no response.  I have no idea exactly what is going on with her, so I feel like I'm walking into a mine field.  She has emailed me that she misses me and loves me, but also that everything is my fault and I'm a spoiled brat.  

I'm sorry for rambling.  I just think she is worth at least one more real, concerted, well-thought out effort to create a healthy relationship with her- at least from my end.  I'm just confused and terrified about how to proceed.  

Any suggestions?

[funfunctional]

Well if you know she got the letter sounds like you already said it all.    Her choice to ignore it?  Why?   

My opinion is you put the letter out there and now it is up to her to respond.   

You can't control her responses to things.  She will just have to respond and when she does you step out and protect yourself.   I call it walking on eggshells. 

Maybe the reason you got some of your compassion and tolerance back is because you have asserted some boundaries and stopped letting her suck the life out of you.   

Your comment of "you have no idea exactly what is going on with her, so I feel like I'm walking into a mine filed" is the eggshell walking.    Screw it!  Don't even think about it.  You sent the letter so now let it ride & don't worry about her response.   When and if she responds it will happen.

My opinion is you are allowing her to create anxiety for you.   Keep reminding yourself she is not well & her responses & reactions to things really can't hurt you.

 

[HappyChappy]

I just think she is worth at least one more real, concerted, well-thought out effort to create a healthy relationship with her- at least from my end.  I'm just confused and terrified about how to proceed. 

Any suggestions?

I'm in a similar position to you, so I read your post with interest. The bit I don't understand is if your mom has BPD, then a "healthy relationship" as most people know it, can't happen. A BPD won’t change. I've read soo much on the topic, and my understanding is all we can do is set boundaries, train ourselves to approach the BPD in a way that creates less havoc e.g. using S.E.T. 

By trying hard to think of the right words aren't you leading yourself back into ruminating and the dangers that hold. To expect things to change, aren't you creating anxiety that can't be resolved? As funfunctional rightly said "Screw it" it's your BPD turn to respond, but she won't. She'll be sulking like a 6 year old, and playing power games. It strikes me that you shouldn’t worry about your BPD reaction, as that is predefined regardless of what you say and do. These BPD find a way to criticise and control no matter what. If this makes you anxious, are you ready to go back into battle ? You need to worry about being hovered back up,   and your BPD hammering your triggers again. 

[gloveman]

     Funfunctional and HappyChappy are right. I'm 67 and only realized 4 years ago that you can't establish a normal loving relationship with a BPD parent, that was when I discovered BPD and diagnosed my parents with it.

     Your mom will always go back and forth from acting normal to nasty no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try.

     Normal children want a relationship with their parents, so they try over and over again to establish one.

     Give up. Why do you need the anxiety from worrying about pleasing your BPD. Just set up a boundary and go on with your life.

     You didn't break her and you can't fix her.

     

[littlebirdcline]

Wow.  You guys gave me some real food for thought.  My therapist is very subtly encouraging me to reengage, with boundaries.  (She hasn't said this right out, of course, but I think this is what she's intimating.)  My brother and father want me to.  My husband wants me not to.  Who has my best interests at heart?  My husband is certainly more concerned about me than her, and I think my brother/father are more concerned with maintaining the status quo. 

Your comments have given me pause.  Am I just setting myself up for heartache again?  Will I just be back here on the boards in two weeks b___ing about her insanity again?  Hmmm.

[Ziggiddy]

Little bird

I think it's great that you are making such progress and I am happy for you to have your optimism returning. Once you have seen the situation more clearly it is a sign of healing that you want to move forward and try something new.

If you want to re engage then why shouldn't you? Yes it makes you vulnerable but only to the degree you decide. it's really not about changing your mother's behaviour but changing your own and making the r/ship different by doing that. Will she change? It's unlikely, but as you say there are parts of her personality that you still have access to that you want to invite out, so to speak.

It's great that you wrote to her and I hope you were prepared for the possibility of her ignoring parts of it.

It may be worth your while to try and detach yourself somewhat from her and really listen to the things she says. Validating the valid and ignoring the invalid - there is some great material hereabouts that give some guidelines - I try to find it although you may have already read it it's good to review before engaging.

I have found that concentrating my main efforts on building my own self esteem and learning to trust my judgement have been awesomely empowering when I engage with my uBPDm. It gets easier and easier to step outside of what her words to me about me mean. If I listen to criticism about me (or others) I am generally rewarded to an insight into what she actually seems to think of herself. it seems to me like a script HER mother may have given her. i try to imagine her as a little girl hearing those things and the pain they must have caused her. Now I know that no amount of mothering or obedience or advice following that I do for her is ever going to make a dent in her  there's a part that's just missing and I can't change or fix that, but I can just look for the scraps of real humanity with as much compassion as I am able at the time.

Anything more and I have to really REALLY tell myself "This is not about ME at all" and "It's ok for me to feel angry/impatient/hurt because this is not nice behaviour."

Will you open yourself up to hurt? Possibly. But you have knowledge now that you never had before and that's a powerful thing. You also have desire and optimism and they seem to be coming from within you and belong to YOU. No one can take them away without your permission.

yes she'll be insane in two weeks but more to the point, will YOU? 

It takes courage to do what you are doing  - GOOD FOR YOU! And if it hurts or doesn't work perfectly well we'll all be here to cheer you on and maybe work together to deal with the next thing.

Can't wait to hear how it all goes.

Ziggiddy

[Ziggiddy]

I found the link for the validation workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191788

and while I was trawling around for it I also remembered this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0

It's about believing in yourself. Hope they are of use to you!

[funfunctional]

It really does end up being your choice.

I will tell you that I told my SIL when I first started living with my husband that you only have your parents for so long.   Told her my mom passed 10 years ago and I wish I had her back.  At the time  she hadn't spoken to my BPD MIL for 3 years.   

I had no business saying anything.     I had no idea what it was like to have a BPD mom and the extent of what she had done to my SIL.

My SIL was better off not talking to her mom.  As soon as SIL started talking to her mom again - now the fight from BPD MIL was with my US.  So now it has flip flopped and we have not talked to her.

BPD's can keep "going" and are continued to be enabled as long as someone is listening & responding.  Enablers.   

People that don't understand the magnitude of a true BPD and what they can do when they are destructive in nature just don't get it.  They will think you are mean for shutting someone down.   And quite frankly i have learned to not care about what other people think.  My daily peace is the reward.

[nicolin]

littlebirdcline - you seem to have a good understanding of BPD as you describe it in your original post.  Of course it is your choice and yours alone if you want to try again with your mother, but you did ask us for our opinion.  If you are, in fact, able to not "let the madness rule" your life, then you are a better person than I!  I found that keeping in contact with my mother was the very definition of the madness.  I did recognize that instead of controlling her behavior I could only control my responses to her behavior, but I finally realized what a fruitless task trying to set boundaries and manage the madness really was.  Maybe your BPD mom would allow for boundaries; mine never could.  I have been NC for almost four years and it has been peaceful for me, to say the least.

I can identify with the feeling of walking into a minefield because you never know what is going on with her.  Think of that language you used - walking into a minefield.  That is very strong language and is no way to live.

Is it a question of who in your life has your best interest at heart, or who in your life understands and accepts the problem?  While my sisters were not BPD, they could never accept that I went NC with my mother so they cut me off shortly after that.  I don't think my sisters didn't have my best interest at heart; I just think that they refuse to see the situation for what it really is and it confuses and hurts them.  I wish them peace with it all one day.

Maybe you will be back here in two weeks or two months or six months... .as it was said upthread, people will be here to lift you up and talk.  You just have to decide if you are willing to take the risk.