Update

[MommaBear]

Hi Family,

So I used some of the techniques I learned on this board in dealing with the xhwBPD this weekend.

BRILLIANT!

He tried so, SO hard to manipulate me. Didn't budge. I could see the fear in his eyes once he realized that his little weapons were useless and I was out of the FOG.

He often uses our child to re-establish FOG on my part, but I stayed strong.

He's grasping at straws. He's really, REALLY trying to get under my skin, to provoke an emotional response, to re-establish control.

Not saying it was easy, but I walked away for once feeling like, "Yup. I won this round. And now that I have an idea of how to go about this, I may just win a few more rounds sometime soon."

NC is not an option since we have a child together, but LC is getting easier to navigate thanks to this board and all you wonderful people.

I know it's not about "winning" but it's about winning control over myself and my responses to his craziness.

I actually feel proud. 

[BacknthSaddle]

You should feel proud. Every now and then I stop and think about how much of my dignity I sacrificed in the service of keeping my dying relationship with my ex alive.  Limiting contact, being dispassionate: as you said, it's not about winning.  It's about re-establishing your true self, your self-control, and your pride. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Awesome!

Curious... .what techniques were the most beneficial?

[refusetosuccumb]

Fantastic! 

I look at my interactions with my ex (LC too, children together) as winning the war (being free) but perhaps losing some battles in between (every interaction that needs to happen).  Dropping the kids off for the day with their dad was good today, waiting to see how pick up goes.

[topknot]

MommaBear, so proud of you! When you finally feel comfortable holding the reins, it's an awesome feeling, Take yourself back; it is balm to your soul. ... .

[MommaBear]

Thanks for the support, everyone.

I'm not sure what the specific terms for each of the techniques are, OutofEgypt (I'm still new here), but mainly I refused to show any emotion. Deadpan face, like I was playing poker for a few million and everything was on the line.

Wouldn't even modulate my voice. Just kept the same tone, the same pitch, dull, flatline, boring.

When he started making suggestions about our child (that would normally boil my blood), I refused to give them any validity, as if to say, "No, what you think isn't possible and not even worth entertaining. I can't focus on the details of the discussion because it's never going to happen and you're so obviously wrong this isn't worth a second thought."

He began to call me "mean" for speaking to a lawyer. Again, deadpan face. Looked distracted, distant, as if the term "mean" could just as easily have been the term "smart".

I also spoke very, very slowly.

He got rattled. I just did my thing. Every time he accused me of something, I'd just say, "No." Very casually, and change the subject.

He tried everything to get a response out of me. Even went so far as to describe sexual things he did with some other woman several months ago. I said, "That's good. I know sex helps keep you focused."

Sadly, he uses our little one to hurt me, and this is a bit harder to ignore, but I managed anyway. I think I was so empowered by our previous conversation that when he resorted to using our kid against me at the end of the conversation, I decided it would be easy not to take it personally and to just be a good parent to the little one once all was said and done. No point getting upset, making my poor kid wonder about loyalty and so on.

Being strong like this is the best thing I can do as a mother.

[OutOfEgypt]

Even went so far as to describe sexual things he did with some other woman several months ago. I said, "That's good. I know sex helps keep you focused."

BWAHAHAHHA.  I would have been tempted to say, "that's good.  freak... ."