So confused? What is he doing

[Someone123]

So about 6 months ago I ended a long term relationship with my BPD bf. I had tried to breakup with him once before but he manipulated me to stay. These forums are what helped me gain the courage to even think about leaving him the first time. I knew it was what had to happen, but he knew just how to manipulate me... feeding off of my guilt. Throughout some of the most dramatic and difficult times of my life, I finally gained the courage with the help of friends and family to leave him and go no contact. I did not break no contact once, despite him contacting me 3 or 4 times. I am now in a relationship with an amazing man, and I am the happiest I have ever been before. I just recently saw that my ex BPD partner is with a new girl as well, and he is with someone who is very into fitness and more muscular than I have ever been. This confuses me greatly because he used to nag me endlessly about being at the gym too much, that I would gain too much muscle and become masculine... .he even told me once my muscles disgusted him. And now he is with someone who is even more so than I ever was? Why is he doing this? He always told me how he hated people that are too serious into working out, or didn't want to be at the gym too long... I just don't understand. Do you think he is doing this to still try to hurt me? I am totally over him and moved on. It just about blew my mind when I found out the person he was with and I wanted to know why you guys think he was doing this?

[Buried in Blackness]

I'm going to take a stab at this here.  Based upon what my ex used to do to me.

I think it all goes back to the manipulation and control  He is taking something that means something to you and turning it against you. So when you think about it, do it, you feel like s&*(.

I don't think it would have mattered if it was cooking, painting or whatever.  If it was something that brought you joy, that had an effect on you in a positive way, they twist it against you.  As a means of controlling your feelings.  Of cutting you down.  Of doubting yourself.  Changing your behavior because you disgusted him.

See how it made you second guess yourself?  See how it put him in a position of making you feel like that?

They use the things that are closest to us.  Most of the time the things that give us joy, and use it against us.  Mine NEVER asked me about the things that I did that made me happy.  Ever.  Even though I wanted her too.  Even though I really could have used some encouragement.  Her way of doing it to me was just to ignore it.  Never talk about it.  Pretend it didn't exist. But HER interests... .wow. Still blows my mind. 

It's not you. It's him.  It's not the him you remember.  It's the REAL him.  Maybe that's not her Achilles heel.

That's the way I see it at least. 

Sorry you're going through it.  It sucks. 

[Inside]

I think pwBPD constantly look for ways of hurting those they’re closest to in order to shift the focus away from themselves.  …if you’d been getting soft he’d have suggested you spend more time at the gym…  They place you on a pedestal then search hard for ‘reasons’ to knock you off, because they can’t sustain the effort of holding you up.

My uBPDxgf would constantly criticize people we knew …then instantly after pushing me away – I’d find her tight with them!  BP's don't know who they are – let alone who we are!  But you don’t have to give much thought as to what kind of put-downs he’ll be coming up with for her … just be glad you’re with someone who’s genuine. 

Also realize that much of the hold our BP’s had on us was due to our willingness to take their criticisms as fact.  And though we’re not perfect (cuz no one is), it was never us – it was them …not the gym

[Inside]

Mine NEVER asked me about the things that I did that made me happy.  Ever.  Even though I wanted her too.  Even though I really could have used some encouragement.  Her way of doing it to me was just to ignore it.  Never talk about it.  Pretend it didn't exist. But HER interests... .wow. 

Boy did that bring back memories!  Yes, downplaying anything of interest to me -- yet magnifying the importance of anything that excited her.  So, she didn’t even have to openly criticize it, just ignore it.  What a complex web of messed up they are…  I’m 8 months NC …and still trying to figure this crap out

[Tausk]

Someone:  I'm sorry for your pain and confusion.  It's very difficult.  And especially so, when trying to logically assess what is happening with someone who lives with a serious disorder such as BPD.

From what I can gather from what you said, I'd say:

1.  While you two were together, if you spent a lot of time at the gym, he was probably at the end, insecure about the time away from him.  The abandoned child schema in a BPD needs a lot of attention and is very jealous of time away by the partner pursuing other activities.

2.  His new partner likes working out.  A pwBPD has a limited sense of self and a limited sense of his likes and dislikes.  What your ex is looking for is someone who will permit him to mirror the idealization of the false self.  I'm sure that you got this initially from your ex. Remember at first how almost nothing you did was wrong... .So, your replacement probably has very little to do with what he said he liked or disliked when he was with you.  All that matters to him is that someone will attach to him, so that he can assume an identity.  


Read about the disorder.  Try not be spiteful or angry. Try to be judicious with your assessment of his and your actions, by reading and learning about the Disorder and more importantly, why we invited the Disorder into our lives.

And remember, our exes are lost traumatized children with limited sense of self and living in the terror of their very real nightmare.  

It's very sad.

T

[Someone123]

I have to admit- I definitely am angry. I am very angry with him for taking advantage of me and my good intentions. I am very angry that despite my attempts to leave and my knowing that I HAD to leave that he manipulated me to stay out of pure guilt. I m very angry that he told me things that both of us knew were not true in an attempt to play off of this guilt. (eg. I will never love again, I will never move on, no one will ever love you like I do etc) I am very angry that he turned things I loved and I enjoyed into tools to torture me with. I am very angry that he made me feel like everything was MY fault... and live with the fact that being treated poorly was punishment for my imperfections. I am very angry for the yelling, the manipulation... the coercion... the stress and torment I endured. I am very angry that I gave 110% of msyelf to the relationship and he gave me maybe 10%. I am angry that I spent all my money each time we went out for dinner or etc. The amount of money, time, emotion, stress, and happiness that I wasted on him is ridiculous. It's sad that he had a troubled childhood. I get it. But it is also sad that I had a troubled young adulthood due to his selfish actions. I refuse to believe he is unaware of his selfishness and his torment. Quite honestly I believe he may never have loved me or much cared for me. I was his tool to get whatever he wanted. Now that I am out of it I see it clearer every day. I won't lie... I am very, very angry at him. And I hope I do never see him again because I will not be able to hold back the things I want to say.

[Tausk]

It's OK to be angry.  I'm sorry, I meant to say, "Try not to become too spiteful or angry."  

And what I mean by that, is that I had to accept my feelings as they were.  Angry, rage, spite... .but my responses to my feelings were what counted.

And I used my anger, to ensure that I stayed away from the ex.  And I used that anger, to look at myself.

But when I used that anger, to lash out, or to fester and let me become bitter, then I let the Disorder win even after the interaction was long over.   Some people on this board remain bitter for a lifetime.  I don't want to be one of those.

The anger is neither good nor bad, it just is.  It's our reaction to the anger that determines its benefit or destructiveness.  

Stay on the board.  Learn about the Disorder.  I did and it helped me to depersonalize the behavior and detach.  I hope you can as well.

In support,

T

[Inside]

I realize the disorder simply is… and have also tried to understand it, but there’s the effect is has on ‘us’ as well, an interface that’s difficult to navigate.  Tausk, I so appreciated your description, so clinical in comparison to my ‘gut reaction’ and lingering disgust … it made me feel childish in comparison…

I’d say it’s best to use our anger as motivation toward moving on, and to make sure (if possible) we never allow ourselves to be used to that extent again.  But just as we try/ tried so hard to adjust our feelings in a way which makes someone with BPD feel accepting and trustful of our love, it seems only fair we expect the same of them.

Is the only way for one of these r/s’s to work is with our constant giving in to their disease?  Sorry if I’m straying here, but it so often seems we’re dancing around the issue that we’re dealing with something so flawed it’s truly a no-win scenario.  Are we simply flowers on which they light …extracting our nectar or pollinating us before moving on to another?  …I know… it’s so complex, which is why I find it so challenging to give ‘advice.’  Maybe I should give up  

I realize we’re also a component, if only ‘the flower’ that draws their attention or allows them to visit us…  …so complicated…  And that’s why when someone describes it from the BP’s perspective it’s so hard to ague, yet so difficult to accept…  Just suck-up our losses and watch for a better prospect?  Or decipher our flaws and try again... ?  Likely both…

What angers me is how well they use our expectations to hurt us, yet refuse to apply the same to themselves.  Or, is it all a front?  Just one massive mask, with which they hide their weaponry….  My conclusion is pwBPD should be avoided at all costs and that there should be Public Service Announcements describing their behavior so as to warn society thus hopefully putting a stop to their ability to reproduce.  And that doesn’t come as much from personal anger as it does having read countless stories ‘around here’ having ended in varying degrees of tragedy. 

If bitter, please, tell me where I’m wrong

[MommaBear]

Someone:  I'm sorry for your pain and confusion.  It's very difficult.  And especially so, when trying to logically assess what is happening with someone who lives with a serious disorder such as BPD.

From what I can gather from what you said, I'd say:

1.  While you two were together, if you spent a lot of time at the gym, he was probably at the end, insecure about the time away from him.  The abandoned child schema in a BPD needs a lot of attention and is very jealous of time away by the partner pursuing other activities.

2.  His new partner likes working out.  A pwBPD has a limited sense of self and a limited sense of his likes and dislikes.  What your ex is looking for is someone who will permit him to mirror the idealization of the false self.  I'm sure that you got this initially from your ex. Remember at first how almost nothing you did was wrong... .So, your replacement probably has very little to do with what he said he liked or disliked when he was with you.  All that matters to him is that someone will attach to him, so that he can assume an identity.  


Read about the disorder.  Try not be spiteful or angry. Try to be judicious with your assessment of his and your actions, by reading and learning about the Disorder and more importantly, why we invited the Disorder into our lives.

And remember, our exes are lost traumatized children with limited sense of self and living in the terror of their very real nightmare.  

It's very sad.

T

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Now that my xhwBPD has moved on, it's like he's got a whole new identity. And yes, he's tried desperately to take the things I enjoy and ruin them for me. Whatever little solace I had in life, whatever comfort I could get from external sources or activities, he'd dump all over them, and then take up the activities himself as well.

Don't take it personally. You mentioned in another post on this thread that you were angry. Use that anger to claim what is rightfully yours. You want to lift weights? Do it. You want to put on muscle? Do it. He does not have a monopoly on workouts, and he never will.

[MommaBear]

What angers me is how well they use our expectations to hurt us, yet refuse to apply the same to themselves.  Or, is it all a front?  Just one massive mask, with which they hide their weaponry….  My conclusion is pwBPD should be avoided at all costs and that there should be Public Service Announcements describing their behavior so as to warn society thus hopefully putting a stop to their ability to reproduce.  And that doesn’t come as much from personal anger as it does having read countless stories ‘around here’ having ended in varying degrees of tragedy. 

If bitter, please, tell me where I’m wrong

THIS.

WOW I know you're serious, but this really, REALLY made my day! I'm sitting here giggling to myself just imagining what a PSA would look like.

"Is your loved one plagued by black and white thinking? Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions, and live in a perpetual state of need? Was your relationship paradise at the start, only to become a hellish nightmare of lies, betrayal, and insanity? If so, talk to your lawyer about BPD, and look into options for enforced sterilization. Enforced sterilization may not be for everyone. Side effects include ... ."

Hahahaha! Sometimes it's good to laugh through our pain 

[Inside]

The site’s been ‘under construction’ so I’m just now taking a peek …and have little time to answer… but I’ve just laughed so hard my stomach hurts! --

WOW I know you're serious, but this really, REALLY made my day! I'm sitting here giggling to myself just imagining what a PSA would look like.

"Is your loved one plagued by black and white thinking? Do they refuse to take responsibility for their actions, and live in a perpetual state of need? Was your relationship paradise at the start, only to become a hellish nightmare of lies, betrayal, and insanity? If so, talk to your lawyer about BPD, and look into options for enforced sterilization. Enforced sterilization may not be for everyone. Side effects include ... ."

Hahahaha! Sometimes it's good to laugh through our pain 

Yes, it was serious… but I’m glad you ran with it!  I can see it now…  I am still laughingn … OK – gotta get for a bit, but yur good